the curious case of missing cases!

Sony Vaio Screenshot

ever since I have started writing, which is i think more than 15 years ago, i have always been very cognizant of the grammar and style and punctuation and other such things. of all the things, i was totally a sucker for punctuation. i learnt about commas full stops, exclamations and even ellipses. i ensured that watever i wrote, whenever i wrote, in whatever medium, i got my grammar correct. in fact i was so obsessed with it that i started judging people on the punctuation marks they used, or dint use, depending on the case.

but then one fine day my laptop stopped working. in lieu, my office got a Sony Vaio and like all products that are designed without a thought, steve jobs would have hated this laptop, this Vaio is a classic #fail. for some reason, the designers of this laptop decided to reduce the size of the shift key and made it as big small as the other keys are. as a result, people like me (who have learnt typing the hard way on desktop keyboards and who type really fast) find it tough to stop the stream of thought, look up for the shift key and then press it along with the required key to change the case, inset an exclamation mark etc. it hit my productivity and ideas harder than non availability of good music to help you think.

at first i coped up by typing things like i normally do - fast and without looking at the keyboard; And then run a spell check and get most of the cases right. but then it was wasting just too much time and since time is most precious commodity that we humans have, i decided to drop cases altogether till i get rid of this wretched Sony. the drop in case came not as an idea but as a reflex, a revolt against this badly designed laptop. Sony, are you listening? also, if you are, please note that conventions and norms such as qwerty order and placement of shift keys etc have been developed over the years and it takes time to insert a new radical change, like the size of the shift key. if you think customers would accept it, no they wont. sorry, you are mistaken. if i were the ceo or something, i would've asked the team that even dared to reduce the size to leave. you must do so imho. and no, am not exaggerating.

and for everyone around me, all i expect from you guys for the time being, is to be a bit tolerant about these stupid misuse of cases. i cant help things to be honest. please excuse me and please do not judge me. in return, i promise to drop cases opinions that i had created against all the people who've ignored cases in the past. who knows, may be they use a Sony as well?

What am I doing in Mumbai?

I am in Mumbai for next few days. While I am here, I will try and do the following.

1. Try and see if there is a business case of establishing a marketing services company here. It sounds like a tough task considering Mumbai is a crowded market and has tons of existing players that are fairly entrenched. But then my employer is footing the bill and I cant complain. If you can help, please lemme know.  
2. I'd try and get fit. I am fat and that too in an ugly way. Here, despite erratic eating schedules, I will try and control what I eat. For starters I will stop having dinners. At Vipassana, we were taught to survive  on two meals. It helps in better digestion, if not anything else. And it may teach me self control, in terms of telling yourself not to eat when you have daal makhani and paranthas served to you...
3. My first short story is almost done. Will try to finish it while I am here. With all the madness in Delhi, it was really tough to work on it. While I am here, I will have time on my hands to work on it. And since I have decided to try and publish it myself on Amazon, I will explore that bit as well. 

So three big things that I want to do in life. Create a business, get fit and start writing. Am on my way fellas. Thats it for the time being. Do lemme know if you could help on any of these three things!

Dooba Dooba

If ever I was to sing something to impress a woman, with my bathroom singing skills, if there is a song that I would choose, it would be Dooba Dooba by Mohit Chauhan. Ofcourse I am not comparing myself to Mohit, I don’t even stand a chance. The song is that brilliant that if you give it to a donkey, the donkey could weave magic from it, I am afterall slightly better than one.

Its a really old song, from the time when I was still a kid and had some hair on my head but the song is still sounds as fresh as it did way back when I first heard it.

Size Does Matter

The entire city of Delhi is on sale. And I wait for this time for long months. So that I may actually go and shop. So last week, lured by the crazy discounts, I made my way to the shopping malls. I was hoping to buy brands that I could have never bought on a non-sale day. The first store I stepped into, I realized that I was at the wrong place.

I have the most weird size that a man could have. I am not young, not old. I am not thin and I am not fit. I am not L and I am not XL. As a result, most things that I buy are either too tight or too lose. No wonder people look down at me, even when I am dressed in my best. In fact there have been times when I have been denied entry to places (clubs, restaurants etc), not because I could not spend money that these guys would have charged, but because I look scary.

All this while, while I was growing up, things dint matter at all. But now, when I am old (and alone), these things do. Time to take charge and get into some size. Any size.

A mess called Gurgaon

For work, I travel to gurgaon almost everyday. And I have been doing it for almost three years now. so much so that I am at the verge of breaking down. I can no longer tolerate this place. Here is a list of issues that I have against Gurgaon.

1. Its too far from my home. Takes me atleast 90 minutes either ways, if I am lucky. Most days its about 120 minutes of ordeal through heavy traffic and angry drivers. The good part is that there is so much traffic that I am supposed to use clutch and brake after every 2 milliseconds. I think its Gods way of punishing lazy bums like me. Imagine all the muscles that I am working on, everyday. My legs must be that strong that I may even defeat Usain Bolt, or even Paan Singh Tomar in any race they chose! 
2. Traffic on the Toll Plaza. Its legendary, how bad the traffic is and how mismanaged the entire thing is. You could come in at any hour you wish to, you would have to wait for atleast 15 minutes on the toll to be able to get moving. On Mondays, its like a black hole. You can get in the toll lane bt you cant get out. It’s a never-ending stretch. If there is one thing that I could fix as God, I would not do anything about poverty, hunger, malnutrition etc. these are simpler issues with easy answers. I would rather fix the mess called Gurgaon Toll. I’d get more disciples and bribes. May be even bomb it if I could. Not a bad idea, come to think of it. 
3. Civic conditions. I have been “subjected” to Gurgaon since 2004 when I came here for my MBA. Its been 8 years and the place is perpetually under construction. In 8 years, you could have built Rome all over again, make three lifesize replicas of the great Pyramids and erect Taj Mahal in Noida, Mayawati almost tried. China could even create a new Earth altogether and hang it in the solar system if they wanted to. 8 years is a lot of time if you ask me. 
4. Amenities. There is not one day when we don’t get power cuts. Wait. There is not one day when we get power. Cuts will happen if there is power. Apart from power, there is never any supply of water. We have to rely on private water tankers. Even at 8 in the morning, when I come in, there is no electricity and hence no ACs and hence all the frustration. If I ever kill someone in Gurgaon, it would be because of the fact that my head got over heated cos of the damn power situation. 

And then there is the traffic in city, the rudeness of residents, the brashness of taxi drivers, the incompetence of policemen, the vanity of rich businessmen, the wealth of land owners who sold it all to builders, the arrogance of of the uninformed and worst of all, the compulsion of someone like me who has to work, to pay the bills.

Games we play

If you're not living under the rock, you would have heard about the recent mini mutiny in the world of Indian Tennis. The arguing parties were Leander Paes, Mahesh Bhupathi, All India Tennis Association - AITA (the governing body of sport in India), their fathers, neighbours, media, relatives and a lot of people on the sidelines.

For the sake of this piece, here is a small recap. the AITA is supposed to send names of the teams to the Olympics organizing committee. Since the AITA wants to maximize the chances of a medal. they decide to send Paes and Bhupathi as a team. For reasons known to Bhupathi alone, he refuses to partner with Paes. AITA then asks Rohan Bopanna to partner with Paes. Even he refuses to partner with Paes. Apparently both Bhupathi and Bopanna play with each other regularly and are of the opinion that since they have practised together, its only fair that they goto Olympics with each other. And rest, as they say, is history. India Today has an interesting timeline, along with pictures of this.

So, all said and done, the sport and the incident got more than the fair share of airtime. It was even "breaking news" for more than 2 days on most entertainment news channels on TV. And in the furore, everyone forgot a few very important things. Let me try to create a list here. 

First. The entire idea of the Olympics Games is about sports and sportsmen spirit. Sports and games are meant to advance solidarity between the participating nations and athletes. This time, they estimate that more than 200 countries are sending thousands of athletes to participate in the games.All those athletes have earned the right to represent their respective countries in the games. Most of these had to work hard, very hard for this honour. And its a shame that our tennis stars take the participation with so much frivolousness and they use words like boycott etc to talk about it. 

Second. The games are not about individuals. Its about individuals representing their countries and trying to and bring glory to their countries. Something that Sania Mirza got spot on in her letter. Wish the senior players from the country had that kind of common sense. Its not about fighting over petty issues and the idiotic royalties from brand endorsements. Its about, for once, burying the hatchet and trying to get some gold back to the country.

Third. The people in question are the highest ranked tennis players in the country. Their every action, every move, is observed by a battery of youngsters who hope to emulate the feats of these greats. With these players involved in such bickering, imagine the kind of legacy that these players are leaving behind. Guess what would the youngsters learn about the game? More importantly, what would the youngsters learn about life? 

And guess thats about it. Unlike most arguments where the loudest mouth tends to be the winner, in this one, the winner is sadly, nobody. And the list of losers, unfortunately is mile long. And it includes, all the players, the Olympic Games, the AITA, our country, the future generations and the hope. And yes, it includes you and I.

Dear lady in the white car

Dear lady in the white Wagon R behind my car on the Gurgoan Toll plaza,

First of all thank you! Today you made the otherwise boring and monotonous trip to office fun. You had been trailing my car, knowingly, since the Radisson flyover. Every time I went fast, you would speed up, every time I would slow down, you’d slow down as well, every time I cut a lane, you were prompt to follow. And yet at no point you looked threatening. In fact the sly smile on your face, when I looked back from the rear view mirror, was charming to say the least. If you weren’t wearing shades, nice ones by the way, I would have tried to read the intent in your eyes. But anyways, thank you.

Second, I was wondering if you do this to every random guy? Because from what I know, I have nothing remarkable about me. Not even my car. It’s a plain Jane Santro with a stupid “True Earth” color (somewhere between a brown and a dirty white). I am bald, dark and everything that a woman’s nightmare is made out of. And yet you chose to follow me. I cant for my life think of a reason why you’d do that. May be you shower such excitement on the least harmful guy every morning? But what ever the reason, you did it and I enjoyed it. At least I just cribbed once about the toll plaza today.

Third, you drive well. Really well. I consider myself a good driver, a lot of friends would vouch for this and its not easy to keep up with me. Not that I am fast or anything but I have this knack with driving. I know when the driver ahead of me would break, when that opening becomes available from where I could zip my car through, when to hit the break, when to slow and so on and so forth. Doing this when you are alone, is really easy. But tailing someone like a shadow, the way you tailed me for good 4 kilometers, is no easy task. You did it to perfection. So much so that, you may remember, that I was looking at you from the rear view mirror and I nodded in appreciation. You seemed to nod as well but then I don’t really remember as I was busy cutting a lane that time.

Fourth, next time you do this, don’t leave your car windows open. Nothing wrong with it. Even I enjoy the wind in my hair and all that but you know you have long hair. Ofcourse when they cover your face and that sly smile, you look all the more gorgeous but then I think in the long run, all the dust and sun could be bad for your hair. No? I mean you are a woman and you must know about this more than me for sure, who’s got like 20 hair strands left on his head. But anyways, it’s a matter of personal choice. I liked the whole effect of hair falling on your face, head, shoulders etc. Just that, i believe that the ones who are blessed with nice hair, must take care of em. Ask the ones like me!

And lastly and most importantly, same place, same time tomorrow?

Sincerely,
The guy in the Santro

The Roadies Generation

This year, the famous MTV series Roadies is in its 9th edition. And it has been bigger, better and more keenly followed than the previous ones. It’s a brilliant concept that I would have loved to work on. If TRPs are to be believed, the producers must have made a killing on their bonuses and the channel must be basking in the amazing ad rates that the show must be commanding. I wouldn't be surprised if the recent decision by the arch rival Channel V to turn into a GEC was encouraged by its inability to come up with shows as captivating as Roadies.

So the idea of Roadies is that about 10 -12 young men and women are asked to finish a road trip (on a bike) from point A to point B. Along the way, they are supposed to undertake various "tasks" and failure to finish those tasks could result in elimination from the show. The ones that complete the road trip are guaranteed of their shot to fame (contestants from previous editions of roadies have gone on to become successful VJs, anchors, singers, actors etc). If nothing, almost every youth in the country would start recognizing them and the face would become as common as Salman Khan's. No I dont have the empirical data to support this assertion, just my opinion.

 If you live under the rock and haven't heard about it, you may ask what makes the road trip of 12 kids so interesting. This is where the wizardry of the producers and writers comes on. The show is spiced up by adding lot of glamour, politics, manipulations, surprises, impromptu tasks etc. So to do well on the show, apart from being a good biker, you need to be able to stab your friends in the back, look for your interests over the groups', excel in the subtle art of bitching and whining, indulge in petty politics, ready to pounce over every tiny opportunity to bend the rules and most importantly, be rude while you are conducting yourself in public or in private.

And since the majority of youth in the country consume this content, the next generation of India is being groomed to accept these as the traits required for success. Gone are the days when hard work, perseverance, resilience, brains and respect were the values that youngsters wanted to imbibe. Now its about overnight success and stardom. And if Roadies is to be believed, the kids on the show are the epitome of someone on the fat road to success. Funny is that Roadies doesn't really market itself aggressively at all. For some reason, it just attracts youngsters like a magnet. For example, the Roadies page on FB, has 4+ million likes? Do we even have that many Indian users on FB? I really feel sorry for all these 4 million people. They are in for a rude rude shock, as and when they grow up.

I am scared that some day, these kids would actually grow up and yet they would not know an iota about the world around them. It would be a scary day. In fact a few years back when I was a brand planner, I conducted a survey amongst college kids in Mumbai where I was trying to understand who they idolized. As part of the survey I asked them about their favourite young politician. Of the answers I got, a large number said, they loved Rajiv Gandhi. And not because of what he said or what he stood for or the reforms he initiated but because he was cute. Cute. And while analysing I realized, that they meant Rahul Gandhi! Imagine, the person who could very well be one of the future prime ministers of the country, kids in affluent colleges in Mumbai dint even know his name!

I dont blame the kids for not knowing these things. I blame it squarely on content like the Roadies. Ask any kid about the show's host and anchor and not one would get it incorrect. But ask them about the reason for recent row in the Indian Tennis and I would be surprised if more than 10% know about it. Do a small dipstick. Ask any teenager around you, who is the president of India? And ask them about the Vice President. If more than 20% get the VP correct, I would send in an application to the next edition of the Roadies.

As a stakeholder in the society, I am very wary of the generation that is growing up watching content like this. And the sad part is that Roadies is not the only one. There are countless such television shows that paddle exactly these things, just that they are wrapped into a different garb. Gone are the good old days of Small Wonder, Jungle Book, Dekh Bhai Dekh where each episode, apart from the great entertainment value, taught something really important to the audience.

All said and done, Roadies is a brilliant television property. Ofcourse TV is serious business. About 30000 crores if some numbers are to be believed. But more than just that, the media has some responsibility as well. The fact that TV is almost universal in reach, the platform could be used beautifully to talk and educate the youth about issues where their input could be critical. TV could create abundant resources that our country would eventually need. Only if we could find an alternative to the Roadies generation!

The Pink Shirt

All my life, ever since I can remember, I have hated the color pink. Especially when someone wears it. It could be pants, socks, hats, teeshirts, shirts, gloves, undies, anything, the colour pink sucks. It’s the most inhuman color to have happened to us humans. My hatred for the colour pink is well documented. I have gone on record and have even publicly humiliated friends and strangers who have dared to wear pink in front of me. 

 Well, who would have known that someday I would end up buying a pink shirt. I was window shopping with a couple of friends today evening when we casually walked into a Fabindia store. For some reason they dint have anything in my size, except a pink shirt. Since both my friends were trying stuff, I was bored and went ahead and put on the pink shirt. And rest, as they say is history.

When I tried it, I felt as if it has been crafted specially for me. I fit so well into it. I have the weirdest structure that the humankind has ever seen and yet the pink shirt fit like an old glove. It was so comfortable that I could have died in it. It felt like second skin.

I was skeptical about it but then I thought what the heck and I just bought it. And since I haven’t worn it with friends as yet, the jury is still out, but yes, I am a proud owner of a pink shirt.

Happy Birthday Dear PD

Dear PD,

Happy Birthday.

Every year, for last few years, I have been trying to cook up a novel way to wish you. This year I have been lazy and have just this blog post to show for my love. I know you'd understand.

Have a great day and a wonderful year ahead.

Luv,
SG

The Count of Monte Cristo

For the last week of so, I have been having strange dreams. One day I woke up trying to console Mercedes that Edward will come back, sooner than later and all would be well. The other day, I thought I was in the grotto at the island of Monte Cristo. And yesterday, I thought I saw the confrontation between Mercedes and Edward where Mercedes pleads to Edward to spare Albert's life.

I mean I have read The Count of Monte Cristo atleast twice before this reading but I dont recall seeing the characters and incidents in my dreams. May be this time, while I am reading it, I am mature enough to comprehend the meaning and I actually understand what is it to be in love. I also understand the true meaning of longing. Ofcourse I dont really have any enemies that would have hastened the process of my separation with my love but I feel what the Count must have felt (had he been a real guy). The way Count plans his revenge on his enemies and the way its executed, I get goosebumps at the mastery. There are times when I actually want to believe in the existence of God and providence!

Coming back, its been more than a week that I have been reading it (I am reading the unabridged version) and its on my mind all the damn time. I have wished, countless times during the reading that there was a time machine and I could actually go back and speak with the Count and learn from him. Alexandar Dumas must have been God himself to have created such an epic body of work. Every character, every part of the story, every incident is just perfect. There is nothing that I would want to take away from the narrative and there is nothing I could add to make it better. Its no secret that I want to be a writer (the blog is an endeavor in that direction) and the day I think I can create something as complex and as interesting as the Count of Monte Cristo, I would have justified my existence.

And just in case you are not yet mesmerized by the Count, check out this character relationship map!

What if you lose your passport?

So this friend went on a road trip to France and Spain and while on the road, he lost his passport. Ofcourse he had two options. One was to get panicked and run from pillar to post. The other was to figure out the way to get it resolved.
So if you are abroad and you lose your passport, you need to do the following.

1. Lodge an FIR with the nearest police station. So before you head out to a new country, you need to have the phone numbers of the tourist police and the emergency number (like they have 100 in India and 911 in US).
2. Once you have the FIR, you need to goto the Indian consulate. This may or may not be in the same city as you are in. Get prepared to travel to the city that has the consulate. Here is a list of all Indian Embassies abroad. 
3. At the consulate, you would need to give the FIR, your photographs and an identity proof that ascertains that you are an Indian. It would be perfect if you have a scanned copy of your passport but if you dont, your Indian driving license and other such documents would suffice. 
4. And then follow the process the consulate recommends. Surprisingly, unlike the most Indian government offices, the consulate offices are surprisingly efficient and they issue either an Emergency Certificate or a new passport within 24 hours (An emergency certificate allows you to travel back to India and your passport allows you to carry on your itinerary as planned).

And that’s about it. Losing a passport is a very common thing and happens to a lot of people. If you DO lose your passport, its not the end of the world (unless you tear it away yourself and you are seeking refuge :D). Just follow these 5 things and you are sorted. And if you do come back, please get me some postcards!

At the cost of repetition, here is a checklist before you head out to a new country for a road trip.

1. Always keep a scanned copy of your passport on the internet. Use services like Dropbox to ensure that its easily accessible. In fact on my Dropbox, I have this folder called legal that has almost all the legal documents that I may need (driving license, PAN card etc) at any time.
2. Always carry a cheat sheet about the places you are going to visit. I use this sheet that I made for myself. This is one printed side of an A4 and has all the things that I may need - emergency contact numbers, hotel numbers, airline PNR, address of the nearest Indian consulate etc.

That's it! 

The Angry (and not so) Young Man

Without the formality of an introduction (or a beginning), let me dive straight into the heart of the issue. At this instant, I am a very very angry man. Here is why.

I live in a lower middle class locality of the capital city of a developing nation. And as a result, there are a plenty of problems - high density of population, bad traffic, lawlessness, petty crimes, broken roads, lazy officials etc. But then, I have had the privilege of getting really good education (private schools, bachelors in computer science and a MBA from one of the best colleges in India) and my job takes me to places that I can never afford, even if I was paid a bomb. As a result, I know how amazing life could be. Things could actually be perfect and there could be an Utopian world where everything is in order and you can work on things that are worth investing time in (rather than chasing people to get your Internet connection fixed). This dichotomy, of my aspirations of living in a Utopian world vs the expectations from the Banana Nation where I actually live, is in one word, fucking my head. Note to self: that's three words Mr. Garg!

Coming back, here is a small list of things that has gone haywire in the last one week or less. And this is not even exhaustive.

1. Its simply too hot to live in Delhi. I can live in extreme cold but I cant stand heat. Even at 7 in the morning, the heat is that harsh that you cant sit in the open. You have to have air conditioning. 
2. I crashed my car. Almost got attacked by a bunch of rowdy taxi drivers. And paying through my nose for the repairs. Will get the car back in about 15 days and as a result, I cant move around the city as well. I can take Metro but I am not a woman and men refuse to take bathes or use deodorants. 
3. The Internet does not work. I have an Airtel connection and they have the most incompetent helpline (or customer care, as they call it) ever. Apparently they always ALWAYS have some "server problem" and they can not even lodge a complaint. And there is no supervisor or an escalation process to expedite resolution. Airtel used to be good, till about two years back, but now, they are worthless. Oh, did I mention that they charged me 50 paisa, per minute, to lodge complaints? I am sure TRAI can do something about it. I will write into them soon. And no, the @airtel_presence on twitter is of no use either. 
4. There is no current. And no, I am not talking about the city of Delhi but in a block of 20 houses. From my balcony, I can see the shining street lights, the well lit advertising boards, the shining LED board for a gym and the constant hum of the ACs at my neighbors. But its me and some 20 other fortunate neighbors that have been blessed by the power cut. Apparently there is some short circuit somewhere. Despite repeated calls to BSES, no one wants to fix and I am left poking in the electric board with a wooden stick, hoping that I would live another day and actually write a few more of these blogposts. 
5. I have been thinking of a month long vacation. Nothing important but I think I am stuck at what I do an I need to recharge my batteries. I also want to take it easy, get fit and read. Every place that I have called (have spoken to at least 15 places), everyone is booked till July/August! Imagine, the entire world wants to go to Himachal in the month when I want to go. How fair is that? 
6. And then, apart from all these things that I cant control, there is that issue of not knowing what I want in life. I am almost 30 and in a few months, I would be on the wrong side of life and I wont know what my epitaph would say! How bad is that! All this while, I have always joked around about me suffering from QLC. Now I know what QLC/MLC actually feels like. There are days when I want to see a shrink but then I wish I could afford one. 

The funny thing is that I have tried everything that I could have. I called up the cops when I got into that accident. I have tried waking up early so that I may avoid traffic and heat while going to office. I have tried complaining against Airtel at all possible forums. I have called BSES multiple times, each time getting assurance about someone fixing the bug. Have called and exhausted all travel portals, agents, Justdials of the world. And have planned and thought about what I want from life. 

I guess my effort hasnt been that great and I need to do more. I dont know! All I know right now, is that, I am a very very angry young man. I now believe that the world indeed is an unfair place. Its definitely not a movie and there are no guaranteed happy endings. Reminds of that line from a song... "...yeah you bleed, just to know you're alive". I wish I had realized this while I was 20. 

And end-note, please do not make impressions about me just by reading this. I want to believe that I am far saner than this. If saner is a legitimate word. I am a mere human, suffering from the curse of mediocrity, wading through life, surrounded by more vegetables and I dont even see a sliver of hope from any corner.

Dear BJP and other political parties

Dear BJP and other such "political" parties,

I heard that you guys had called for a countrywide bandh today. From what I know and understand, a bandh, ideally is a peaceful activity wherein people and businesses supporting the activity, show their allegiance by not working. 

Today however was something else. More than businesses shutting shop by their own accord, it was the hired goons and muscles that forced people to down shutters. The ones who protested were bashed up! There were reports of violence in many parts of the country and the public infrastructure was damaged in at least three states.

You guys must be really proud of what you cooked up. I am sure all of you will sleep peacefully, probably as calmly as as child, tonight. You would have loved every second of the 15 minutes of fame that you enjoyed today, at the cost of us Indians. 

And why would you summon for a bandh in the first place? You wanted to bring things to notice? There are other ways to do it. Lets start with logic and reason. Who stopped you from doing a large campaign on the national media (the kind you do when you are fighting elections) and trying to make people understand why is that fuel prices are going up the spiral? You could have posted intelligent questions in the Assembly and hold the leaders responsible?

Agreed that inflation is getting out of control. I understand that the petrol prices are going through the roof. I know that its getting increasingly difficult for a common man to live a happy and content life in India. But does that mean we make it even more difficult for people! 

Dear BJP and the brains at the helm, a bandh is as anti-progress as anything else could be. If we were to strike about everything, we would not have reached where we are. The prehistoric man, could have decided to strike against the animals of the jungle. And we wont have had a civilization. Gandhi could have sat at home against the British and we wouldn't have had a free India. Stop looking that far back in the history. If businessmen like Tatas and Ambanis decided to call for a bandh every other day for stupid reasons, they wouldn't have had those empires that they have. You know, a man's destiny is not really "written" by some God. Its the man's actions that actually help him create that destiny. While you were forcing the bandh around the country, there were a few men and women who were still working and trying to make this country a far better place to live in. Hats off to them and salute to their spirit. 

You know, with time, typically, political parties grow in stature and they command respect. Their actions earn respect for them. This move has undone a lot of all the hard work you guys may have had done in past few years. I was not really sure if I wanted to get involved with politics but you guys have made my resolve much stronger. Hopefully I would live to see a day where political propaganda like this would not be encouraged by people.

Till then,

A proud Indian.

A real-life coward

A couple of days back, I was going to meet my agony aunt. I was in Gurgoan and I was driving at may be 40 and was singing out loud to my music. There are a few big decisions I needed to take and I wanted her opinion. I was thinking of all the things that I wanted to talk to her about. And I heard a loud noise. I was in an accident!

The other vehicle was a taxi, plying for Spicejet (I would come to Spicejet bit in a minute). The taxi was being driven the way taxis are driven - fast, furious, reckless and brash. I was driving the way I drive. And there was a blind turn. The crash was inevitable.Thankfully no one got hurt in the accident. The two cars got damaged like crazy. Especially mine is beyond recognition.

What had to happen, happened. But right after the crash, at least twenty other taxi drivers ganged up against me. They surrounded me from all sides, hurling abuses at me. Since everyone in an armchair activist, everyone had their version of the story and everyone seemed angry. At least two of them even held my shirt collar. They pushed me around and put my back against a wall. No one hit me but if I had opened my mouth and had uttered a single word, it would have been ugly and I would have been bashed up like crazy. I was held hostage by all these people, most of them dint really have a business being there, and I could not do a thing!

It was broad daylight and there were atleast 100 other spectators. The worst part, the damn voyeurs were actually laughing and enjoying the show. Not a single soul bothered to even try and help me. All the empty noises that I make about being a hero, standing up for what you think is right, being strong, being confident and all that, came flashing in front of my eyes. I was destroyed. I dint know if I was to voice my thoughts and get killed for real or if I was to become a coward and stand there with my head hanging like a guilty man.

At that instant, I realized that I am only good when the person in front of me is logical and understands the situation. There is no way I can handle a mob. Especially a gang of thugs, that is constantly looking for some problem to meddle into. These people are out there to kill or get killed. And for no apparent reason.

Thankfully  this was close to office. I called up a few colleagues, they came immediately. And once they arrived, I took a breather. I finally had someone who I could trust. Even the police turned up after a while. They merely stood there and told us to "reach a compromise" and not bother them with complaints and formalities of FIR etc. I was aghast at their behavior and I was surprised. Aren't they supposed to serve and protect? Aren't they supposed to maintain law and order? Arent they supposed to talk to those goons who had ganged up on me and put some sense in them?

Finally three hour after the arguments and counter-arguments, we reached a "compromise" and everyone left for their respective homes/offices etc. For me, the only outcome is the realization that I am by myself in this wild world. It's like back to those prehistoric days where every animal was for itself and had to fend itself from everything else in the jungle.

In 2012, it's a modern day jungle out there. I am a tiny creature and I need to look for myself.

And Spicejet, I sincerely wish I had a way of reaching your transport department and telling them the kind of people they've hired. But then one things for sure, I am not going to fly Spicejet anytime soon. And all the stock that I own, I would sell. Today.

Hudson News and Dunkin Donuts in India

Yesterday, I stepped out of my home after like 5 days. I am in the middle of a root canal and its painful, even when I dont have any drills or injections in my mouth. Anyways, so I was out and I was going to CP. On the way I saw two new international brands being launched in India. Hudson News (retailers of books, magazines and more recently food, cafe etc) and Dunkin Donuts (retailrs of donuts and coffee etc).

While thinking about these two brands I realized that a brand like Hudson News, probably has no long term future in India (true for most "retailers"). Simple reason. They are in the commodity business. If I set up exact same format at Hudson and called it GargSon and offered as good or better experience, ambiance, convenience, price and service as a Hudson, there is no reason why customers would not flock to GargSon. So if Interglobe (The company that runs Indigo Airlines and is launching Hudson in India), created a new format and a new brand all together, they would have done far better (unless they want to launch house labels or private labels, like a Bharti Walmart).

One may argue about expertise and process experience that Hudson may bring to India from their international presence. But then enough has been written about how India is a different market and how the customers behave, perceive and decide differently.

On the other hand, if its a brand like Dunkin Donuts (being launched by Jubilant Foodworks, master franchisee of Dominoes Pizza in India), customers pay for the product. And for the "association with" and "consumption of" the brand (end of the day its a Donut and there are enough and more good and tasty donuts available in India). The association and consumption of a Dunkin Donuts can not be replicated by a Saurabh's Donuts. And thus, it makes a lot of sense to get international "product" brands in India. These two words - association and consumption - are the only two reasons why host of product brands would do well in India. Starbucks, Ikea to name a few!

And yes, I did try a Dunkin and it was ok. Not close to M.O.D. but it was great to see a Dunkin's in Delhi. Exciting times ahead.

First posted on Sandbox.

Movie Review - Vicky Donor

So I finally saw Vicky Donor, the movie that everyone cant stop talking about. Here is the review!

The plot.
The movie is about a typical young Punjabi guy from Delhi. Like all young Punjabi guys in Delhi, he is jobless, clueless and spends his time in bed, cricket field, malls, clubs and other such places of pleasure. And like all Punjabi guys, he can talk fast and knows all the slang that we use in Delhi.

One fine day when life was hunky dory and he was whiling away time, he stumbles upon an opportunity to donate his sperm and make some quick buck. Apprehensive in the beginning, he eventually gets around and starts enjoying the riches that her sperm gets him. Riches include Plasma TV, a "blue" bedroom, lava lamps, neon bulbs, cash etc.

Then, like all Bollywood movies, he falls in love and gets married. The twist in the tale is that that the man who's been playing the mythical stork, donating sperm to the entire world and showering them with babies, cant have a baby of his own because the leading lady cant conceive for some reason.

And then something happens, followed by something else and some more something elses. The story starts dragging, dragging, dragging and dragging. And eventually the movie ends.

The good 
Few character are brilliantly written. And brilliantly enacted. No, no the leading gentleman or the lady. But Dr. Chaddha, Pepsi Aunty, Mrs. Arora, DaadiJi, the desperate friend. I could totally relate to all of them (no, I dont have any such characters living next door but they are believable and familiar for some reason).

Then, there are few shots that are gorgeous, for want of a better word. They havent made a tourist movie out of Delhi or Kolkatta but some bit is shot outdoor and its been shot well. I particularly love a scene where the heroine is sitting on a bus stop and is crying. Its a visual treat, the way it has been shot. I wish it was slightly longer. I couldn't seem to have enough of it.

And when they get married, the wedding song is hilarious. I have always wanted a court marriage for myself but after I saw that wedding scene, I am very sure I want to have a Punjabi wedding with cars stacked with "whiskey"! Must must see this bit.

The bad
The story in the second half could have been MUCH MUCH better. I cant digest the sudden anger, departure for Kolkatta, reconciliation for a mere party of an acquaintance, even more sudden dispersal of all the pent up anger and the they-lived-happily-ever-after ending. More thought would have made the story more convincing.

The final word.
I would give the movie a 2.5 on 5. Rest upto you. Go see it. The part before the interval is really nice and it does make you laugh. And no, its not thought provoking at all. And no, no comments on the acting skills of the hero or the heroine.

The Outlier!

Recently I was applying for a visa to a difficult country. Difficult because they take great pride in screening who visits their motherland. The screening is downright humiliating at times but then its ok, it’s a little price you have to pay to be an Indian.

So, these guys wanted copies of my income tax returns for last three years. Now I dont really bother about these official documents. I just give all my papers to my accountant and he files the requisite papers. I dont even check with him. I trust him blindly. Today was thus the first time in almost 18 months when I pulled these documents out. And I was shocked to realize that my total income in the last year was exactly half of my total income in my first year post MBA!

I passed out from MDI in 2006. I got placed on day 0 and was picked by GE Money. GE dint pay a lot of money but it was a lot for someone who had no clue how the world works and definitely had no clue what value could he add to a company that took pride in its 100 year old legacy. Obviously I wasnt complaining and I was happy with my 7 6 figure salary. Imagine being catapulted from a zero to seven six figures. And all you had to do for that was play Counter Strike and faff!

So, in almost 6 years since my MBA, while all my friends and peers have moved on to bigger, larger things post their campus jobs, I have moved sideways and actually went down. And went down how. I am on my third job right now and at both places (post GE), I took substantial paycuts. And as a result, I am struggling at low seven six figures (compare it to a few friends who are now at 9 8 figures). And in a world where you are measured by the amount of money you make, the car you drive and by the phone you keep, when I look in the mirror, I see an outlier, on the extreme left of the bell curve! Life is being what it is best at, being a bitch!

But then I dont think I cant blame anyone else for this. While moving on from GE and CLA, I decided that I dint want to work at boring companies and do shitty work. I mean am not too sure if what I do right now is interesting, but well, thats a debate for a different day!

EDIT... And just to prove that I am still a nincompoop, I calculated my measly 6 figure salary as 7 figures. I just cant get maths! Apologies for all the heart breaks :(

Bittersweet Symphony

In my Chennai office, amongst regular folks there are a couple of North East Indian boys. Nothing wrong with them and nothing against them but the sight of them lifting heavy cables, lights and other equipment under the harsh sun was really saddening. It made me want to cry.

I totally agree to the notion of dignity of work and I dont think any work is below human standard but here are two boys, who would have spent most of their childhood and youth in mountains, next to gentle streams of water, amongst beautiful flowers, in the green misty valleys, running after one another on those twisting and turning mountain paths, climbing up and jumping down in probably the best weather that God has showered upon us humans.

Call it twist of fate, most probably they left home for some Rupees and somehow landed in Chennai. Where the life is totally opposite to what they are used to back home! If God had planned life and things little better, he would have made each community self sustainable. May be he did and us humans spoiled it all trying to chase material comforts and such things. Whatever it is, if I could play God, I would either not give anyone any emotions or I would ensure that everyone from the same kith and kin stayed together. To end it, a famous line from The Verve.

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die

Personal Email Policy

So here is my mail policy. I would divide my emails into two. Things that can be finished in a minute or two. And things that would take longer than five minutes.

For everything that can be done in less than 2 minutes, I would do those, at the moment I get the email (thanks to push mail). This could include delegating things, forwarding messages to people, allocating tasks, replying to quick requests etc. I reckon that these would be about 80% of emails that I get in a day. I also assume that for these emails, since the replies would be short, I wont have to be at the mercy of a laptop as I can use my phone to get these done.

The tasks that would take longer, replying to long emails, emails to friends and family, guest post requests etc, I would take them up in one sitting. For these tasks, I would check my email twice. Once at the morning and other towards the evening or before I sleep. Each time I would allocate as much time it takes to get done with them. Everyday, I would sleep with my mailbox empty with all requests.

And along with, I would need a system to track the followups since I would start delegating a lot more things and experience tells me that people are generally lazy. I have been trying to do the followup using tasks with  Google Calendar. So far it looks nice and easy. Lets see how it goes and how I use it over a long term.

The new email policy would also mean that I would have to unsubscribe from all those newsletters that I love reading (Gapingvoid, Seth Godin, Vimrod, Jason Calacanis etc). And subscribe to those from a regular feed reader or something. Finally, the bigger picture (of having an email policy) behind all these changes, is to try and simplify life over the next few weeks. And reach a point where these things dont clutter my head and I am free to think and work on larger issues.

Originally posted on Sandbox.

Airplane Mode

Last few days have been hectic and I have been forced to work a lot of on the planes. And I think I like the entire concept, except my motion sickness and a 3 second long attention span. Its surprising that how much work gets done on a plane. I wish I could duplicate the airplane mode while I am on ground.

Thing with working on the flights is that there are no distractions. You don’t have internet, there is no phone and there is no one to bug you with odd requests of booking tickets for them, making a presentation, getting an approval from a client etc. You get all the time you want. You can concentrate on the task at hand. There is nothing that can distract you. Not even music!

Except that the flights are full of kids and the airlines keep paddling things and try and squeeze every penny out of your pocket. These are minor aberrations and tolerable since these are not your kids and you can ofcourse yell obscenities at them. 

Anyways, can you create an airplane mode in your daily routine? A time of the day when you switch off the wifi and turn off the urge to check twitter and facebook every second minute? A place where no one can disturb/distract you?

Originally posted at Sandbox.

Project 1000. Day 4.

After a five day hiatus, I am back. Blame it on my travel and general laziness. But I am back nonetheless. And now that I am back, lets get 1000 words rolling. This post is specifically intended for Project 1000. As I am typing this, I have no clue what would I write about but I am sure I would use at least 1000 words. I am sitting at a studio floor and we are in between shifts. Everyone gone for their lunch and I have this entire floor with the set and cameras and everything to me. I am using this time to play my favorite music and typing this text. And no, I am not the director or the producer of the manager or even an extra. I am a silent and meek spectator.


This is the second time I am writing this post (last time I wrote something), I hit the refresh button and the entire thing disappeared. The damned auto save did not work!

So cutting the long story short, last time I wrote this, somehow, the conversation diverted towards difference between a rant and a post. In bullet points, I said that a rant is personal, meant for individual consumption, is short lived as it is a temporary outburst and does not move an iota in the scheme of things in the universe. A post on the other hand needs to go beyond an individual, is meant for consumption for a large audience, can live for long and is aimed at changing things, big or small.

Then I said that most of things that I write about are more in the territory of rants, rather than being posts and thus I am not really improving the craft!

And finally I said that I would write about the upcoming posts on aspirations and dreams of being a travel writer, life of a spot boy, poker and why is India poor. Do watch out for those.

Project 1000. Day 3. Joe Nobody.

So today, I dont have anything specific to talk about. So rather than wasting time trying to find a plot to write about, I would try and create something. A character map! When I say I'd create a character, I mean that I would think of a man and try to create a world around him. Most movies, novels and other such things make these character maps to ensure that character and his behavior is consistent in different situations while he is in the plot. After from helping me reach the 1000 word a day goal, this would help me create characters and use them, as and when that elusive book happens.

I'd start with the most cliched character of them all, a computer hacker. 

So we start with the basics. Facts. 
Name: Joe Nobody
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Height: 5' 11"
Body type: Athletic, fit
Education: Dropout from college but very good with computers

Family, Friends and Key People in Life
He is the only son of a single mother. His mother stays in a different city with her sister and both of them work in a hospital. The mother is perpetually worried about his health and marriage but Joe pays no heed. Joe meets the mother once every month or when he drives down to meet her. Joe also has a cousin from the aunt. She lives in the same city as Joe and they get along well. The cousin works with a bank and has no clue about Joe's personal life. This last Sunday of the month is a routine that has been around for more than three years now. All four get together and goto a movie and have dinner. Its as definite as the sun rising in the east. In last three years, Joe has never missed this meeting with his mother and aunt.

Till about a year back, Joe was seeing a woman from work. The woman was two years older to Joe and worked with the marketing team. Now, she has moved onto a different man and a different job. They are no longer in touch. He sorely misses having that female company and is on the active lookout for someone.

His best friends are friends from work. He gets along really well with A, B and C. A and B are managers with electronics and gaming sections respectively. C works in B's team. All 4 are very close friends and hang out together after work and all. Their common interests include hiking, biking, gaming and pub hopping. Apart from that all four are huge fans of the local cricket team, especially when the cricket season is on.

While in school he was very quiet and kept mostly to himself. He had only a couple of friends back then and he has lost touch with them. He has fond memories of the school but he often quips that if he was to get back to school with his friends, it would be so boring.

Overall he is content with having a few people in life. He has largely been independent and likes to be alone. And yet he misses that female company

Occupation 
Joe has been working at BestBuy for more than 5 years now. He started as a sales rep and has grown through the ranks to become the highest level an employee can reach  on the shop floor. The next promotion, due in another 6 months will see him become the lowest "suit". Right now, he is the supervisor of the computer hardware section. Has about 15 retail employees reporting into him. His key responsibilities are to train and supervise the on floor employees. His job requires him to stay up to date with latest happenings in the computer hardware. He knows more than he speaks and most people around him know this and thus treat him with respect. He is known as a true geek that knows everything about hardware. However when it comes to software, he seems to know nothing and relies on his team for help. At times he even calls his team from home and asks them how to fix Internet.

On the other hand, the 8 hours that he is not working at the BestBuy, he is a very active member of the underground hacking community. And he is considered as an authority here as well. He does all these things from a van parked in his garage. If someone comes and looks at his home, there is only one desktop in the living room where he checks his email. In his van, however, there are two row fulls of computers and electrical equipment. There are times when he goes to the BYOC hacker conventions. He prefers to keep things in the van as he loves to work in solitude and space in the van is really limited and thus there cant be anyone else around when hes working.

Personality
Like most geeks he likes to hang out with his kinds. He thus gets along very well with his team. He is good natured and always has a smile on his face. He is always willing to help and actually goes an extra mile to ensure that he is liked by everyone. At times people do take him for granted. And he knows that people take him for granted but he still lets go.

He lives by the maxim of "live and let live". Though he does things that arent really on the right side of the law, he has had no brush with the criminals as yet. 

He does not believe in showing off. In fact he wants to keep as low a profile as possible. At times he gets himself called stupid because of how he acts to conceal his secret identity.

What made him what he is?
While growing up, he has heard stories of people living in fancy mansions and access to clubs and lounges that reek of money. He wants all those things. And he wants them bad. He is very happy go lucky and very content with his life, except for a woman. He like living and he ensures that he has a lot of fun. He has no major hangups in life. He has no dark secrets. The darkest is the fact that he got his first girlfriend when he was 31 and despite that he could not keep the relationship going.

What keeps him awake at night?
At the job front, he is worried about his promotion. He realy likes it on the floor and does not want to move away from there. And on the side project, he wants to win the upcoming hackerCon. He knows that he can easily win it but he still needs to practice and beat competition. And since he has been doing it for some time now, he doesnt really get kicks out getting secrets or winning a competition but its like the trophy that everyone wants!

What is his role in the story? Why is he important?
Depends on the story. If my life was fiction, I would use Joe to help me hack into the banks and get all the money from all the places.

That's about it. And here is a humble request to more established writers and authors, what did I miss in this character map? What are best practises in the same? How can I improve this? Thanks a ton!  

The pursuit of 2K followers on twitter

Lately, I have restarted using twitter, after a brief hiatus. The reasons for the hiatus would be reflected upon in a later post, but for the time being, I have a bigger and more perplexing problem to tackle. The problem of finding those elusive 36 more followers.

You see, at the time of writing this, I am followed by 1964 people on twitter. And I want to reach the magical number of 2000. The chase of 2k as a number looks very scary. A brief brain soul searching tells me that there are a few reasons why I could never get all those followers. Am making a list here...

• I am not a wedding/event/fashion/animal/amateur/etc photographer. Am dont even talk about my flickr stream and I dont have a Facebook page where people can "fan" or "like" me. And since I have a Blackberry, I cant use Path or Instagram or Pinterest or one of those fancy services and talk about them.
• I am not an entrepreneur and thus I cant ask all my employees and friends and relatives and neighbors to follow me and help me get more clients. And then once I get those clients, talk about how I made a difference to the life of the goldfish of client's wife's sister.
• I am not funny. Not even remotely. Period.
• I am not a social media expert. And that means that I have no opinion on anything. And that means that I cant pass fleeting comments encompassing everything from the beginning of time and then relate those to why I should be tweeting this or that. And I cant thus take a jab at folly of brands and businesses.
• I refuse to engage in various gimmicks that brand manager plan and throw out as bait to the unsuspecting twitter users so that they could report that their brand is followed by a million people etc.   
• I am not interested in IPL. Its just too much for my peanut sized brain to be honest. There is overload of everything. Information, excitement, jealousy, anger, confusion etc. Name an emotion and IPL has that in abundance. And I cant process that. And that means that since I dont tweet about how IPL is causing a war in my family because everyone supports a different team, I wont be featured by a TV channel and I wont become famous and I wont have new followers.
• I refuse to participate in trolls. Ofcourse I use a million hashtags but I dont think I have participated in #whenIWasYoung, #itHappensInIndia, #IPL, #kfBeerUp etc. And as a result I dont make friends on twitter and otherwise. (note to self, talk about Kingfisher in a separate post)
• I am not a journalist. Yet. And as a result I dont have people trying to make friends with me, hoping to get free passes to IPL and other such dos. 
• I dont booze and thus I dont have my timeline full of drunk tweets abusing everyone for everything. 
• And finally, I am not a celeb. I am not a film actor (not even an extra), I am not a cricketer (even of yesteryears), I am not a CEO of a large business group (not even a startup), I am not a VC. And as a result I am stuck at 1964!

So if I dont do any of those, why my friend, why am I on twitter? Because I like to post things that I am upto. Irrespective of what people think about them. Irrespective of what opinion or comment they illicit.

And then why would you want to chase 2K followers? Well, its a good number and I want to put that on my CV. And more people who follow you, more opportunities to know new things!  And who knows, I may even get famous some day?

Guess this is it for a Sunday rant! I just hope that this post helps me reach the magic number. And if not that, at least does not make some of those 1964 unfollow me! 

And no, this post is not part of Project 1000. Not yet. 

Confessions of a Failed Ad Man

So today is day 2 of the Project 1000. Yesterday I managed 1000 words. I think 500 odd here and the other 500 on the secret blog to sgMS. And I felt awesome about it. Of course it would have been perfect if I could manage some more words for Serai. Thats what I am calling the book, for the time being. 

So today's day 2. Let me today talk about something that is really close to my heart. And I have worked on it and failed. And failed how. I'd talk about advertising. Some other day, this post could have been called Confessions of a failed adman. Hang on. Why wait another day. Let me change the title right away. So people who read the blog often (all 3 of you) would know that I worked for an advertising agency at some point in time. I had joined that place hoping that I would churn out things like Jalebi and Cadburys. Only to realize that process is far more complex than merely coming up with scripts and shooting them.

Coming to the post, I shall talk about few recent ads that have caught my attention. And I would talk like a typical Indian customer, rather than an ex-planner.

So, the fabled summer season is on and that means that all the soft drink companies are going to bombard us with commercials celebrating their favorite time of the year. I would talk about Frooti, Appy Fizz (because I have worked on these brands), Coke (because I love the brand and wish to work on it some day) and some more. And I would talk about something that has nothing to do with India or with summers or with drinks. Its just an awesome piece of communication.

And again, these are unbiased perspectives of a common man rather than an ex-adman (or even an ex-planner on two of the above mentioned brands).

Frooti (and Slice)
Love the brand, love the positioning, love the legacy, love the drink. Frooti has everything going right for them. Except the competition. In the market, Frooti competes directly with Pepsi's Slice and Coke's Maaza. Slice has this really cool ad featuring Katrina Kaif. Apart from amazing production quality, great music and striking visuals, the ad is brilliant in the sense that at a subconscious level it places Katrina Kaif and Slice at the same place. So every time a guy desires for Katrina, something in him would crave for Slice as well. And once you have the share of mind, rest is easy.

Frooti on the other hand loses out. This season for some reason (which I havent been able to figure out), they are using Siddharth (who Siddharth? exactly my point!) in their ad. And mind it, in their entire 30 odd years history, they've never had a brand ambassador ever. So the ad is a story of a guy who cant gather enough balls to talk to her object of desire and everyone eggs him to try and talk to that girl. And finally he does speaks. And he does it be saying, "would you have a Frooti with me?". And this is where the entire disconnected is. Let me phrase them as questions. A. Is Siddharth being used as the actor Siddharth (doesnt look like) or as the boy next door? And it if he is the boy next door, why call him Sid? B. Is Frooti trying to make itself synonymous with love? Or with the feeling of togetherness? Or what? My peanut sized brain cant really comprehend. But then I am sure, brains better than I are on it and they have figured the puzzle out!

I dont even recall seeing Mazaa on tv yet. And if I have seen, if I cant recall the ad, it has to be really boring! So in the battle of mango drinks, for the time being, the winner, in my humble opinion is Slice.

Appy Fizz
Next up is Appy Fizz. I absolutely adore this guy. I sincerely wish I had the wit and presence of the mind that this dude has! Wait, hes not a dude, hes actually a drink. A drink with an attitude. And thats the best part. The latest line of commercials with Saif Ali Khan is actually far better than all the previous ones. The jokes are simple to understand (to someone like even I who is as desi as men in India get). Plus when they are using Saif Ali Khan, Saif is not being used as a model to peddle paint or dates or whatever. He is being used as himself. As a super hero. And he is in conversation with Appy Fizz. And Appy Fizz goes one up on him in all the commercials. Not like a battle battle but like in friendly banter than you may have with a friend. It does not pull down Saif's reputation and yet it definitely establishes Appy Fizz as a cool guy to hang out with. Or a cool drink to hang out with in this case. +1 on this one to the team. Here is the commercial. I am sure you can find more on youtube and all of them are as good (atleast the two that I have seen).

CocaCola Coke
Even before I start writing, I know that I would talk highly of coke. They cant seem to get anything wrong with their commercials. The latest ummedon wali ruh, sunshine wali aasha is super brilliant. Instead of using a celebrity to endorse the brand, they have simply used interesting and nice visuals to communicate different ways they open happiness. Open happiness is their global positioning that I think is slowly being brought to India. The latest ad, that they are playing with IPL, has just a couple of young kids, sipping coke out of the same coke bottle with the jingle playing in background. Too bad I cant find it online. I would have showcased it here. A very very simple idea, executed really well. A story that tells you everything and yet leaves so much room for imagination that makes you feel good about seeing a commercial. Coke wins it hands down.

Nike
Finally, I want to talk about Nike. A friend sent this to me. And I was literally blown away by it. Yet again, a simple idea, done very well and more importantly had all the peripheral things around it, to ensure that it does well. The story of a long distance couple, trying to cross the country and come together. Nike as a footwear company enables the two to meet. And to top it all, a catchy song/jingle to narrate the story. Finally, things like free download of the track, ability to share it with people easily, comment on a global website and stuff like that is the peripheral things that make is reach more and more people.



And I guess this is it for this edition of confessions of a failed ad man. The key takeaway for me has to be the realization that best ads are about telling simple stories well and the fact that the product being advertising has to stay in the background and be a mere enabler. (Nike as footwear enables a couple to run to each other, coke as a medium allows you to share happiness, Frooti allows you to say the most difficult words ever etc.) Will add this lesson to my repertoire of marketing and advertising lessons!

End note. So writing does not really take a lot of time. It just requires some patience and some peace of mind. Ofcourse advertising takes a lot more. No wonder :D

Project 1000. Day 1

Today, I officially start work on the Project 1000. Read about it here. Right now, at about 10 in the morning, rather than being at work, I am home and trying to desperately figure out what could capture my imagination and make the interest last for 1000 words. Here are a few things that I think I can write about...

• Things that I know and I want other people to know. Like why is it important to use formatting palettes while you are working on Word and Powerpoint. But then these would be academic at best and dont really know if someone would even read these. Like I could even talk about the importance of ensuring that you strictly put the left ear plug in your left ear and not otherwise. The question remains, would it help me become a better writer? Would it help me structure my thoughts better? Would it help me dig deeper into the topic and learn more about it?
• Yet another love letter to sgMS. Come to think of it, I can write one every day. But most days the stories would be repetitive and since sgMS is history, I am not sure if she would ever read those letters. But then, thats the point of the letters no? The other person may not be around but you keep them close to you, in your thoughts and in your dreams. Letters are yet another manifestation of those dreams. Right? So may be one letter each day. Even if its a small letter that talks about nothing important or love like!
• The book that I have been trying to write since last 29 and half years. But then I either had a lot of plot ideas. Or I dint have a single one. Now, through some magic, I have identified a couple of plot ideas. But I dont really have an interesting story to tell as yet. I know I am not great with the language and unless I have a very compelling story to tell, there is no point in writing one. And they say that a decent sized book has about 70000 words in it. So maybe, I can write a book in 70 chapters and I can take the arduous task of writing one chapter each day? At 1000 word per chapter, it would be easy to read for the end reader (if I manage to find some readers that it).
• Random motivational jazz, the kinds Seth Godin and other write. But then the trouble is that Seth and other people have seen the world and are credible voices in the otherwise riff raff online world. People actually pay to listen to what they have to say. And on the other hand, if I paid someone the biggest fortune ever, they may not want to sit through a single reading of my best pieces.
• Thats about it I guess. 

So without further ado, here is the decision. Every day, for next 100 days at least, I would write the following.

1. A letter to sgMS. Not on the public domain obviously.
2. One chapter of a book. Not necessarily the same book.

And I would obviously write my regular blog posts. Like today, I am tempted to write about the advantages of working in a secluded corner, the way I am writing right now. I am all for working out of open spaces and gardens and parks and coffee shops but to be honest, most of that work is catching up on email and doing things that dont really add any value to your personality. The real deep work, where you actually create something, can only happen when you are in the zone and the fingers are flying on the keyboard. And at least for me, its really tough to get there when I am outside. The inherent curiosity that I was born with, makes my head wander to all the places in the world, but to the task at hand. And hence the advocacy of sitting in a secluded corner.

So thats about it for the time being. Next up on the agenda is the letter and the chapter. Godspeed to me. And just in case someone is taking a note, I am about to reach 1000 posts on this blog. Over the period of last 7 odd years. Way to go Mr. Garg! No mean feat! 

1000 words a day!

Today, after a lot of days, I was feeling good about being myself. Yes, call me a depressed fucker but thats how things have been in the past few days months.

But then somehow, as I woke up in the morning, I was feeling super good about myself. It felt awesome to be alive. And it sucked to know that I am whiling away my time life like that. While I was on my way to work (paradox?), I made a promise to myself to change things. And change them for good.

To start with, taking inspiration from Chris, I hereby promise myself to write 1000 words each day. Most of it would be noise but then its ok, at least with all the noise that I make, some of it would sound like an intricate symphony to someone. Just like the infinite monkey theorem :) There would be days when the creatives juices would flow freely and there would be times when I would face the writer's block. I would have time and I would be busy. I would be mind fucked and I would be elated. Whatever it may be, I would ensure that I write a 1000 words everyday. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Project 1000.

This also reflects the larger goal that I want to chase in life. I want to write and talk. Not talk in a vacuum but talk and help people. Inspire them. May be make a difference to other people's lives. I have been lucky to have the opportunity to speak to a few people and give them some advice (call it gyaan) and it has apparently helped them. I want to grow into someone who helps individuals and businesses with things. And if I want to do that, I need to know how to express myself well. Writing is a very small and yet important part of the same. And with the advantage of time on my side, I need to improve on the art. Project 1000 is one such step in the direction.

So coming back, I would ensure that each day I write something or the other. From critiques to reviews to opinions, reports, fiction, I would write it all. I know I am not intelligent or something and as a result, most days the output would be substandard and I would end up losing all the three readers that read my blog. But then, as they say, you win some, you lose some! The three of you, I know you guys are ardent supporters, you wont go anywhere. And the other one who stumble on here from random places, if you stick, nothing like it, if you dont, I'd try harder.

And oh, by the way, most of the things that I would write, I would post them on the sandbox. At least the ones that make sense.

I hope I can do this. Calls for a lot of discipline and a lot of focus. Two things that I lack. Lemme try and see how things go. Just wish me luck and help me along the way!

Dear sgMS

Dear sgMS,

Please come back. Please...

Regards, SG

The Wonder Years

So I met this TV anchor from the yesteryears that I used to have a huge crush on, while I was growing up in the 90s. At that time I could have happily given one arm and probably a leg as well to just see her once in real life. She had the most awesome smile ever and although the show she hosted was about English music, I did not understand a single thing she said but I still tuned into the channel religiously to see her come up and smile. It was one of those useless wonder year things that I dint even remember, till I realized that I would be meeting her.

So I went ahead with a twinkle in my eyes, my almost bald head neatly combed (took me all of 30 seconds), my beard neatly trimmed and in my favorite green shirt. And there she was, the lady of my wonder year dreams. And that is when I got the jolt and the dream got shattered into million little pieces of glass and ivory.

Now, when I am almost a man, she is on the wrong side of the thirties. And unlike some women who develop a charming grace when they grow old, this one hadnt. This one just looked like an older and "fuller" version of herself from the TV show. And that meant that the awesome smile was intact, apart from lines and blemishes on the skin that she has been trying to hide using all those beauty products that Sonam Kapoor and the likes peddle on TV.

It was like seeing the rude side of the concept called life. I realized that time is the mother of all sorrows that a human being can face. Take this woman for example. Despite all the money and fame, she cant do shit about how she looks despite she being the apple of the eye of the entire nation in her yesteryear. And then once I reazlied that shes been using beauty products to stay "young", I felt sorry for her. She has to resort to things like her beauty to actually make a living now. Thankfully I would have a sane head and hopefully I would not have to resort to things like that when I am old. And come to think of it, I would never be old! I can be watever age and in whatever physical condition, I would still be in demand!

Untitled - 31st Mar 2012

Today is the last day of the first quarter of the year that is supposed to be a milestone in my history, as and when it is written. Not really happy with how things have gone in this quarter. I had made magnanimous plans and like all my other plans, nothing moved. I even made a huge mindmap of things that I would apparently achieve in this year. So far, if I revisit the mindmap, nothing has moved. Even things that I could control by myself. Things like fitness!

Anyways, the point of writing this post is not really to talk about things that I dint do or couldnt do. The point is to satisfy the urge to write. Any damn thing. Its been some days since I have seriously written things. Not that what I write makes sense but it gives me mental orgasm that is missing from my mundane life. For almost 30 years now, I have been searching for things that would make me think and give me happiness. So far its been illusive. I have been told that patience is a virtue and there are rich rewards at the end of waiting period. I have been waiting for all these years now and I am beginning to lose it.

What else? what else? Ya, last few days I have restarted reading. I started with Godfather. Loved every bit of it. The story is so gripping that rather than reading the details and painting a picture in my head, I skimmed through it and kept moving ahead. And this is when I had read the novel at least twice in the past! Apart from this, I am reading The Price of Ayodhaya and The Polyester Prince. After this, I plan to read the Dexter series.

And then apart from reading, work has been keeping me busy. I cant really get time from all the madness and there is so much to be done! And this is about it for the time being. Too long for a post titled Untitled!

Hello @altSG

Say hello to @altSG. Its my new twitter handle (apart from @Saurabh) and over time I plan to make it my primary twitter handle.

Why would I do this?
Simple. Work vs play. And respect.

There are tons of interesting people that follow @Saurabh. Most of these are serious people with stable day jobs and a million things on their heads. In short, they would be busy. And since I dont really want to crowd their timelines with noise, I'd rather move my frivolities to some place else. A place like @altSG.

So, at @Saurabh, I'd talk about things that people want to read. It will eventually become my brand, my portfolio and my CV. It will become my voice. It will become my identity on the Internet. So, amongst other things, I would talk about advertising, branding, writing, marketing, poker, travel etc. I'd talk about things that I am trying to explore. I'd talk about things that I am trying to learn. Things that may get me work and an opportunity to interact with interesting people. Things that get me that all important foot in the door.

One the other hand, I'd use @altSG as my personal handle. The way I use @Saurabh right now. I would post things that most of the world will not be interested in. Mundane, miscellaneous, insignificant updates from my life. Things like what I am eating, where am I driving to next, how I felt after that bad beat etc. I expect just a few close friends and some bots to follow me on @altSG.

I guess thats about it. To summarize, I would be at @altSG and my brand would be at @Saurabh. Or vice versa. You can never trust Internet with these things!

Dear Sonam A Kapoor

Dear Sonam,

I saw this movie called Players (which IMHO is a really bad rip off of the awesome Italian Job) last night. Not that I wanted to see but I could not find the TV remote and I had to see something that helped me sleep. After I saw the movie, I have a few questions to ask you. And after all the questions, like a true Indian, have some opinion. I sincerely hope you give me a patient hearing and look at the merits of my arguments before you dismiss them as being blasphemous.

Also, before I launch into the rant, I would like to make clear that I really really like you and I may even have a crush on you. I think the crush has been since Subhash Ghai made that Pyar Ki Ganga Bahe with all the film star and their kids.

Apart from the crush, I pin a lot of hopes on you. Not everyone is lucky to get a platform like you have and it would suck if you waste that platform and end up like Paris Hilton (BTW Paris is an achiever in her own way, she is after all named after Paris. And her last name is Hilton). I dont go about writing these letters to everyone. But you, Ms Kapoor, have the potential. You just need to realize it and get your act straight.

Without further ado, here are the questions that I had promised I would ask.

1. When you sign a film, don't you read the script? You are not a kid anymore that someone lures you with a candy. Wait, no, a pony in your case. After all you are a famous kid of a rich dad. So, while signing Players, dint you realize that it was a really bad ripoff of The Italian Job? To the extent of three Mini Coopers loaded with weight, daughter of the dead father etc. Even the make up of the villain was inspired by the original! Do you think it does justice to your reputation when you work in films like this? Don't they judge people by the company they keep and the work they do? Long after your not young anymore, wont people remember you for films that you did? When you are a mom, wont you want to tell you kids about the amazing job you did in some movie? Doesn't Mr. Kapoor talk to about Ram Lakhan? Lamhe? Tezaab? Mr. India? And all those amazing movies he's done?
2. Reputation. This is connected to the first one. I have a background in communications and I have learnt and seen that reputation is everything. Especially for people like you. So while you endorse a brand, or sign a movie, dont you think (assuming you can - you look like someone who can) if endorsing that brand or featuring in that film would add something to your reputation? And can your exiting reputations give wings to that brand/film? Look at Vidya Balan for example. Shes on this trip of female centric roles. I dont give two hoots about her but shes thinking about the legacy she leaves behind. Sonam, people in show biz, they have a responsibility. Of course they must enjoy life and riches and goto parties on yachts parked on the French riviera but you guys have a responsibility. The responsibility to do good work and entertain audiences. And no, audiences do not get entertained when you merely flash a smile at the camera at some page 3 party where you vouch your support for PETA.
3. This may be the most personal of all questions, but dont you think you need to take dancing and acting classes? You know, I am all for learning by experimentation and stumbling and failing and then getting back. But then the basics please? I mean acting is not just about looking good. You look gorgeous. There is no doubt about it. But acting? 

Thats about it I guess. I have many more but I know that you are busy and short on time and you wont have patience to read and answer the other trivial questions.

Coming to opinions. Again, please do not mind. I am a mere well wisher and there are no ulterior motives here. Like I said earlier, you have an amazing platform that you can use to leave a mark. And these are only meant to nudge you on the path.

1. How about stopping to act? I mean not that you've had great success with it. Your time, which anyways is limited, can be invested in other pursuits and trust me you would do far better at them. I dont know you personally but from whatever I read, if you could do something about fashion in India, you would rock. So how about creating a business around bringing new brands to India? India's growing by leaps, people have the money to spend. Its a perfect opportunity for you! I mean look at Rhea Kapoor. She is putting her effort in producing movies. Totally worth the time she spends. +1 to her!
2. How about firing your manager? No no, not the time keeper that schedules your appointment etc but the manager who looks after your reputation. The guy who leaks stories to press and gets you endorsements from brands? The guy who should be thinking on your behalf and counseling you. The guy who should be getting the scripts tweaked to get you a more plush role. That guy who should be chasing brands to get them to invite you to endorse their brands. The guy who is responsible for brand Sonam Kapoor in the long run!
3. How about stop working for money? You have enough. Enough that you can afford all the luxuries you may want and get invited to all the parties you want to. If you stop working for money and stop doing stupid films, appearances and endorsements for money, you can choose to do the kind of work that would make you happy. And more importantly, make your fans (like me) happy. The work could then spawn across industries - entertainment, fashion, travel, philanthropy, the options are limitless Sonam.

And thats it. There is more but then I think these are enough for the time being. If you are serious about a long term impact, I am sure you would consider these. Hope you dont get offended. I am being repetitive but I have high hopes from you and it really sucks to see you waste your time on things like Players. And time Sonam, is the biggest limiting factor of our lives. Sooner you realize, better it is.

That's about it! Thanks so much for reading this. Hope it helps.
A fan!

Dear Rich Housewives

Dear Rich Housewives,

On behalf of all the drivers that drive you around the town, the restaurants that host your kitty parties, the high street malls that you frequent to buy groceries, the maids that to help you with cooking, cleaning etc, the beauty parlors where you paste tons of creams and powders on your faces and millions of such micro-economies that you help flourish by your mere existence, including the one I am a part of, a BIG THANK YOU! Thank you so much for your patronage. We have no clue what would we do without you guys. You actually provide for food and shelter for me and my family.

Thank you so very much! 

Regards,
SG

And now that letter is over, lemme come to the reason for this letter. But before other things, let me describe you. A typical rich housewife. For the ease of readability, lemme use bullet points.

• A typical rich housewife is in her early thirties (because the number that us minions call age, stops increasing for rich housewives after they are 35), has her personal driver chauffeur to ferry her around the beauty parlors, malls, kitty parties and other social gathering that attracts her kinds. 
• She has a very active social circle of friends, neighbors, few almost page 3 celebrities, people who own fancy restaurants and parlours and the likes. 
• And of course relatives in-laws that she loves to hate. 
• The creature called husband is a fast rising star in some large multinational and thus only meets her on Sunday morning brunches at famous five star hotels. 
• Sex is strictly twice a week, lasting for all of five minutes on each occasion. Not necessarily with the creature that we spoke about two seconds back. Variety, you see, ensures that there's "spice" in life.
• Money needless to say, is not a problem. She holds a credit card with an insane credit limit. Thanks to all the hard work that the husband puts in at work.

But you may ask that most women, in Delhi atleast, have at least two things from the list I spoke about above. How are you to spot the real rich housewife? Here's a checklist...

• She would be wearing thick framed sunglasses. Even when she is inside a mall. And even if its night. I suspect they dont remove the sunglasses even in the movie halls but I am not too sure. I havent had any rendezvous with any so far.
• She can be found body hugging wearing track pants in all sorts of "interesting" colors like powder pink, baby pink, parrot green, turquoise, blood red and shimmering black. Shimmering is the keyword here.
• When she sits in her chauffeur driven cars, she would sit right behind the chauffeur. Men and other mortals sit diagonally behind the chauffeur. But not her. Her throne is right behind the driver. I dont know why. I wish I could know.
•  She would have a really badly dressed maid in traditional Indian clothes, trialing her. The maid's hands would be full of large shopping bags. On lat count, she had paper bags from a million and a half trees.

Enough. Now I have to come to the real reason of this letter/post. Its about a friend. She just got married to a guy who is a typical rich housewives' husband. And she is kinda lost about her purpose in life. She thinks that since she is no longer a girl now and married to a dude, she is now worthless and does not deserve to live etc.

The letter is strictly to give her affirmation her that she is not worthless. She must know that she is as important to our lives as Mamta Didi or BehenJi Mayawati are. She provides livelihood and entertainment to so many people. She is better than those godmen. I mean a typical rich housewife directly employees at least 12 people and indirectly supports 60 mouths. She should be damn proud of her existence. And I am not even talking about all the pseudo businesses that she runs (just to enter the "me too" list). If I included that, I wouldn't be surprised if 80% of India's GDP is somehow touched by the rich housewife!

xxx, just take care of yourself. You are really important. I mean it.

P.S.: I sincerely apologize if I may have hurt any feelings. And obviously, any similarity with anyone living or dead, is purely coincidental.