The tiny shift and a giant revolution

Human history is dotted with numerous incidents that felt like tiny, insignificant nudges at the time but fast forward a few years and these tiny nudges were found to be the tipping points of revolutions that shifted the way us humans move around. 

One such tiny nudge happened a couple of days ago when I got myself a sub-15K, Android Phone.

Now, this sounds like a tiny thing. Even trivial. After all, more than 89% of the country has these sub-15K phones and they seem to be getting by fine. I am definitely not special and thus this big deal that I am making out of a cheap phone is not called for. 

But maybe it is! 

Lemme try and explain. 

Few facts first.

A. I am a heavy user of mobile devices. So much so that I spend about 12 hours a day on a phone. At least since 2013, the device and OS of choice has been Apple (and iOS), barring a few days when I did not have one available. 

B. I am the greatest creature of habit I know. That means that I am used to working in a certain manner and with shortcuts that are now so ingrained in my muscle memory that to change those would be like attempting to climb Mt. Everest. Well... 

C. I have prioritized things that make my life simpler over things that make my life fancier. This means I don't have a lot of clothes but whatever I have are from brands that I know offer comfort, durability, and yet are affordable to me. 

This affordable bit is important to explain. I can't afford a Jimmy Choo. But I can afford a Crocs, a Cotton World. A Fabindia. I know these may be premium and expensive for a lot of people. But to me, these are affordable. Just like Jimmy could be affordable to a lot of people. 

And these are affordable because I do not spend on other things that add fanciness to life and most others find important. Things like multiple pairs of shoes, hundreds of dresses for various occasions, those knick-knacks that we try and gather around when we travel. So on and so forth.

So, to me, an Apple device is like that. May be it sells at a premium for a lot of people. I make it affordable for me. And I save for it. I know that it would help me work better, and would last longer. And will not cause frustration by going slow on me! 

D. I am irrational. I like to overpay for things. And especially for those that I know are made with thoughtfulness and offer quality and have been made with love. Just like Apple devices. Or Crocs. Or Nike. Even Kurutoga. Air Vistara. Starbucks. 

So now, here's the explanation about the new Android device that I got. 

IMHO, in buying this device, I have had to compromise on the ethos that I stand for. Yeah, I am one of those weirdos that like to consume brands that are in sync with personal ethos. I don't know a lot but I do try to be conscious about brands that I consume. I try to read about them. I try and understand where they stand on things like innovation, originality, design etc. I like to see what goes behind building and delivering what they do. You know, if they have a soul and not just a facade. 

Apple fits into my ethos. But a hardware manufacturer that makes cheap phones, hoping to imitate the brilliance of Apple, is not. Android is ok, except that I am not sure how to make it work for me - way too complicated and too much. If I were 18, I would probably love Android. But at my age, I prefer simplicity and speed and all that. 

And why did I get this device if its a problem? 

I have a one-word answer. Majboori. What majboori? Well, ask my echoChamber.

What's next?

Of course get back to a iOS as soon as I can! 

Inshallah, soon. 

The House Hunt Decision

This is that time of the year. NO! Not that time when there is this festive cheer in the air and everyone is happy and smiling and cheerful and in the celebration frame of mind. But the time when I go through the annual ritual of looking for a house that's good enough in my opinion and affordable enough in my pocket's opinion and unobtrusive in my friends' opinion and accessible enough in Mumbai traffic's opinion. 

You would've guessed that the combination is as rare a find as life's purposes are. 

And you would've guessed that the over-optimistic me would do whatever it takes to look for a place. Just that this time, the amount of money I want to shell out is like one-third of what I would normally do. And thus I am crunched on the decision.

And lemme vomit my thoughts on how I am thinking about this. You know, am trying to make a decision in public (without giving you the specifics).  

So here are some questions that I ask myself before I start looking for a house. 

I believe if I have to save time or money, I must do whatever it takes to save time. Money I can earn. Time I cant. And thus, I ought to choose an option that gives me more time. This often means living close to the city center. This also means that living close to public transport nodes (even though I may not use those a lot) 

Second, I believe that you need to live as close to the ecosystem as you can. If not bang in the middle. This allows you to create serendipity. You can meet newer people and it is meeting with people that opens doors. 

Assuming you want to live in India, here are some places where you could live... 

1. You want to do a startup? Live in Bangalore, at Koramangala, or at Whitefield. Or BTM. 
2. You want to make films? Live in Andheri West. Or Malad. 
3. Want to be a politician? Delhi. 
4. Want to be an Athlete? Depending on your sport, pick a hub. 
5. Want to be happy? Live next to your family, even if they are in a village! 

Before it pops in your head, no, I don't think that this entire remote work and work from home would make these hotspots redundant. Maybe SoCal would change. But most of the hotspots would not change. In fact, with time, newer hotspots may emerge, if at all the old one shift. If I had enough foresight to figure out the next hotspots, I would move there.

Third. It is very very important for me to feel good when I come back home. Or if I am holed up in my home for extended periods of time. Now, for most people, this is taken care of if they live with their families - after all, its people that make a house home. For someone like me who is not capable of keeping relationships beyond a few nano-seconds, I need to rely on other things that make me feel good when I come back! 

These three withstanding, I made a list of other things that are important to me in a house. Here's a list. 

• Large space, open layout (less clutter, less furniture), higher floor (so that I may stare at the world)
• New-ish building (so that I don't have to worry about pests, leaky faucets, etc), less than 10-years of vintage, 
• A balcony (I love sitting out)
• Access to a Starbucks (really - this is very important)
• Connectivity (I love meeting people and I need to be able to commute easily)
• Neighbors that are not nitpicky. 

I kid you not, I have an excel sheet with all these variables listed on it. And all these variables have a weight allocated (depending on the importance of that variable to me. For example, a new building has the highest weight and neighbors have the lowest). And each time I make a decision, I play with the numbers to arrive at the decision.  

Of course, I could have made enough money that I did not have to care about the rent and would have maxed all the variables. Like SRK, I would have had a Starbucks in the very building I lived in! But then, life's like that. You cant get everything you want and you need to juggle around to find the combination that works for you. 

So, coming to the challenge at hand, the new house that I need to move into, in less than 10 days, I am trying to, well, juggle around things till I find a match that works for me. That means I have explored options in Andheri, Thane, Kandivali (and beyond), Madh Island. I am yet to explore places like Chembur and Kanjurmarg and all. 

I am yet to finalize on any but the two that seem to make the cut are, 1, a smallish one-bedroom house in Andheri and 2, a little bigger than a smallish one-bedroom house in Thane. 

The one in Andheri is 2X the price and about half the size of the one in Thane. And while I am tempted to take up the place in Thane (thanks to COVID and general fuckery of how I run my life, it would be a stretch to afford the place in Andheri) and pay less and get more space, I am not sure if I want to. It is VERY far from any place that I want to be at. Place. Not people. 

Place - I want to live near the city center and amp up my odds of serendipity. If Thane was a hub for any of the disciplines I am interested in (films, startups, marketing), Hiranandani Estate would have been ideal. But I am not sure what I'd get access to there apart from the world's best Rajma Chawal that a friend makes (she lives in Thane). Unrelated but she's lived in places like Malad and Kandivali over the years and I have traveled to those places to stuff myself with her Rajma Chawal. 

People - I don't know if this is good or bad, there is no one person that I want to live close to. Neither is there a thing that I want to live close to. Most other people want to live close to their friends, offices, families, etc - I don't have any such connections, may be except Myra.  

So, while the amount of money I want to pay may dictate where I end up, it would be very very unfortunate if I can not close on a place in Andheri. Or may be in Bandra. Or Goa for that matter (which I was VERY strongly considering, till I realized that there is no work for a generalist like me there - a topic from another post on another day). 

For the time being, it's over and out. Wish me luck :) 

RIP Kobe. Thank You, Kobe!

So last night, I was in the zone where I was sad and angry and depressed. About things and life in general. To a point where I was questioning the meaning of life and all that. I was whiling away time on Twitter and Instagram and other things that you use to kill time when you are sad. No, I do not enjoy human company when I am in a mood like that.

And while on twitter, I saw this tweet.

Now, I don't know Kobe. But I knew of Kobe. I do not follow Basketball per se but I do know of his name. And Magic Johnson, Pippen, Iverson, Malone, Shaq, and lately, Lebron James. I know of these guys as athletes that have worked hard. For years. Relentlessly. With an ethic that is impossible to match!

And because these guys are in America, they are so much under scrutiny that they can NOT fuck up even once. I have always had mad respect for such people. I mean despite all the success that you get, how do you maintain a sane head? I've seen film stars and cricketers here in India and their head is so up their backsides that they can't see anything but themselves! 

And because these guys are from communities that typically do not get as many opportunities as others, even more respect for these guys. I mean they did not crib about the disadvantage that they were faced with. They did not falter along the way. They did not digress. They kept their aim and continued to work on it. Year after year. For so long. Even when they missed the mark, they would've got sad but would have come back to the grind. And then worked their way up!

So, when I read last night that he's died in a crash, along with his daughter (who was all of 13), I was sad. Not heartbroken per se. Not devastated. But plain old sad. I started to read about who he was and where he came from (it's funny that you read about a person when they die; and not when they are around).

And while I was reading and as the news was spreading, the tributes and comments started pouring in. From people that I respect and follow (investors, businessmen, celebrities, marketers, etc.). And it started to sink in what a big deal the guy was! His life was a life that gave hope to so many like him. He gave joy to his fans. His friends had the most heartbreaking reactions - can tell what a guy he must have been!

To make matters worse, he went with his daughter (and another father-daughter duo). More than Kobe, my heart goes out for the two young girls that were probably going to be playing at larger levels. It is plain unfair. Life, is unfair. And, may I say, a bitch!

And is fucking funny. You know how? I'll tell you how.

A few days ago, Clayton Christensen passed away. The guy was a big inspiration to all the great movers and shakers of our times (Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Jeff Bezos, etc). Again, I did not know much about him, except reading the iconic book that he wrote. And this speech (also read this if you are keen). And of course, his influence was limited to the business community (though the impact those business people have made is immeasurable), the eulogies were muted, professional succinct, devoid of emotion.

Kobe's are another world. He belonged to, like I say, the masses!

Can I even compare the two people? How do you measure one person's life against another? What about all those thousands that die every day? Some 50 people have died infected with coronavirus died cos of no fault of theirs. I don't even know how many people have died in India protesting against CAA / NRC. What about all those innocent people that were in that Ukrainian plane that Iran shot down?

It's unfair. It's pointless. And it's meaningless. And, it's fucking funny.

Want to know another funny story?

Well, on Saturday I wrote this long tome about the shortness of life. In it, I talked about how our lives are short. While I wrote it, I did not mean that we'd die abruptly at the age of 41 or 13 or whatever. I meant that in general, the 70-80 years that we get to live here are not enough to explore it all. There's so much to do. But when shit like this happens, you lose faith. I mean look at his daughter. She was training to be an athlete. And probably putting in so much hard work and effort and all that. To what end? She did not even get a shot at it! If there is indeed God above, may I ask him / her / it, what was Gianna's reason of existence?

And here's another funny thing.

For some reason, thanks to Kobe's accident and the emotional outbursts, I am more determined than ever to make my life count. I called up my parents (they live in a different city). I spoke nicely to my friends (that I haven't spoken to in a while). I knocked off so many things from my to-do list that its, well, not funny.

I am more determined to not succumb to the vagaries of life. It's been tough last few days months. I am at the end of the rope with a lot of things. But I plan to hang onto it. And make it work. Kobe made it despite where he came from. I am far more privileged. I can at least try.

I am more determined to do more. And get more people to do more. Thing is, this difference between Clay and Kobe, while unfortunate, is such a telling one. An artist, an athlete, a performer, a speaker, someone that belongs to the masses, inspires the world far more with their action (and inaction) than a businessman.

I am more determined to not while time on things that are not important to me. For, I don't know what is my expiry date. For, time is all we have.

I am more determined to become more human. Which means I am going to ensure that I am a lot more present for people that get joy when I am around them. Of course, I can count the number of such people on just half the fingers of my left hand (may be not even that).

That's about it I guess.

Kobe, you left too soon. Thank you for your life. Thank you for inspiring me. And others. You are in a better place.

PS: You know what would be the funniest? That I die tomorrow without doing a single thing that I've planned to do with my life!

On mental health...

Sent this email to some co-workers. Publishing it on my blog because I think this deserves a larger audience. 

Hi!

Disclaimers first.

• You are getting this email because you work with me. And I work with you. In the capacity of a partner, employee, employer, friend, mentor, intern, associate, client et al.
• This is going to be a long email. Please DO read this. It's important to me that you do. No, you don't have to reply.

So, you, of course, know me. And you know that I have always taken pride in pushing people out of their comfort zones. To a point that I zealously justify that "Good Job" thingy in the movie Whiplash. I love the idea of going all-in. Your work has to consume you or it is not your true work at all. I like the idea of NOT having a work-life balance. I have worshipped hard and long work over anything else. People that are famously workaholics are my idols (not just for what they've been able to achieve but the work ethic they had - and yes apart from a few exceptions I have not seen a lot of people work less and yet get successful). To me, you either went BIG or you did not try. I would push EVERYONE I know to try and aim for a large objective. With the rationale that even if you failed, you would have achieved things that were beyond your imagination. And I thought it worked well. I mean it DOES work well. I have enough evidence.

But something happened this week that is making me re-think the very core of my belief system.

So, the day before I met this young boy, A, for a coffee. He is one of those typical young people that I like to spend time with. Young, intelligent, ambitious, hungry for success, believes in self and his ideas. Hustles hard - travels through the length and the breadth of the city to meet people. Closes loops. Follows up. Actually does the work. Creates opportunities that don't exist. Finds work wheres there no scope of it ever happening. In one line, if you asked me, he is on the fast track of success. Has EVERY ingredient that I always wish I had. I would've bet my life that in 5 years he would be amongst the richest and most famous people!

But then one minute into the meeting, I realized that something was amiss. And while talking excitedly about what he plans to do, he started sobbing. In the middle of a coffee shop. In the middle of a sentence. In the middle of a slide. Took him a few seconds of crying and then he was back to normal and continued where he had left! As if nothing happened. I figured that he is suffering from some mental ailment that I did not have an inkling of.

I saw him breakdown in front of my eyes.

Normally I am good at spotting signs but this one escaped me, even though I was meeting him often. Since the meeting, I've read quite a few things and I know that mental health issues can hide in plain sight and people suffering don't even realize that they are suffering!

Coming back. So A, otherwise articulate, in that 20-minute meeting was hyperactive, jumped from topic to topic, cried a few times without realizing that he was, made the same point multiple times (he lost track of what he was speaking), talked about how he will rule the world (and he was damn serious about it), popped a few medicines (I hope they were legit) and could barely sit still.

This was the first time when something like this happened so close to me. And I was, I am shaken.

I am not exaggerating that it was THE most painful meeting of my life. I have been in meetings where people have lost their loved ones, lost business, flunked years, broken up with the loved ones and more. Those were comparatively ok. This was so painful that I could not sleep. And I was mostly like a vegetable for almost a day. I could not process that life could be so unfair. As I write this, I still can't.

But what I did process was that my approach towards work may not work for all. Of course, I've been told by a lot of people that there is never a one-size-fits-all solution. I've read it multiple times at multiple places. I've even discussed it with close friends but never believed in it. I would dismiss these as easy reasons to be lazy, short-sighted and un-ambitious.

And I've never been more wrong!

So wrong that I am probably going to reevaluate my whole life. And like I said, my belief system.

I believe that all human progress was made by people that did not have work-life balance.
But at what cost? By having broken people living in misery? Or may be misery is indeed a fundamental truth of life? I know I am going down the existential-nihilism dredge and I ought to stop.

I believe that we need to work hard and do nothing else.
I believe that every waking minute needs to be spent on chasing growth / money etc.
I do not believe in the concept of breaks.
But does that really make people more effective? Does that deliver more? The whole of tech-space yesterday was debating about this on twitter. None of the sides was a clear winner. No, it's not about winning or losing. It's about people. And understanding that both may have its own merits. And you cant diss others for their unambitious, slow life. That is their decision to make and I can NOT push them to see things my way.

I believe that we need to surround ourselves with others that are on the same path and trajectory as us. And more importantly, chase the ones ahead, the ones that seemed to have it figured. Chase them till you die. Till you reach where they are (which is never because by that time they are further ahead). You know, rat race?
May it's this rat race to the impossible top that sends people off the cliff? What if there is never a cliff? Just a treadmill?

I believe that we need to workship these heroes that have done superhuman things. And live with the maxim that if they can, then you can as well!
Of course, they have had different circumstances, lives, opportunities, ideas and all that. But who are we to think about those? What is important is that we have a cultish fervor towards these heroes.

May be, just may be, this entire startup culture, youth revolution, row your own boat, blow your own trumpet life is what is pushing people over the edge? Everyone is surrounded by so much media, content, information, signs that you can do so much more, that you can be the king of the world, that life is beyond the comfort zone, that you are special etc, etc. We hear about people next door that go on to raise a billion dollars, people that come out of nowhere to become the next Bollywood superstar, people that start with nothing and go on to captain the most prestigious team ever. These things are supposed to inspire you. Their stories are meant to help you push harder. After all, they cast-off, did their own thing, worked hard and achieved fame. 

Is this the real culprit?

If they did not have glory, we'd not have heroes. May be there is indeed merit in remaining anonymous. Or may be not. What would make a man get up from his bed if he did not have his brethren to make envious?

Ok.
Enough.
I have ranted for so long now. And trust me I thought about A and his condition for hours before I could gather the thoughts to be able to write this.

And the point of this? 

Well, if I've pushed you beyond your comfort zone, it is to help you see things that you probably aren't able to. Now I know I have no right. If I've said anything out of place, caused you discomfort, belittled you, I am sorry. 

And if you ever think you need some sort of intervention, if I can help in any way, PLEASE do let me know. PLEASE speak up. You ARE important to me. And to a lot of other people! 

And please keep looking for signs around you and when you spot someone in distress, please please intervene! 

And that's about it. 

Oh, one more thing. I love you! Really do. 

Thanks,
@saurabh

PS: No, please don't call me and ask who this person is.

PPS: If I sound incoherent, please excuse. I am writing after a while. And I am still shaken. To a point that I took a break for a day before resuming work. I can't even imagine when A must be going thru. Or how any of you is.

There and Here

Hello, world! Today I want to talk about the adaptability of human life. Seen from my lens.

What do I mean by this?

Well, I recently moved from a place where I lived for close to three years. And because I was there for three years, I had made more than a casual acquaintance with the people that lived and worked around there - apart from regular suspects like the neighbors, the residents, I also made got to know the people that worked there - you know, the security staff, the Starbucks Baristas, the grocery guy, the chemist and so on and so forth. After all, we are but social creatures.

So when I was making the decision to move from there to a new place, far away, one big criterion was this proximity to familiarity. I mean I was like, I'd have to do a lot of work to find new connections, get familiar with people, find my permanent place at the coffee shops, etc.

Now, its been about 15 days since I made the move. And you know what? I don't miss the people or the place that I left behind. In fact, I am enjoying the new place. Not the house or space per se. But the locality that I've moved to. There is this sense of familiarity (after all we are in Mumbai, India) and there is this newness. The way it is with a new fling.

Plus, I am walking a lot more. I am seeing new people. Doing things that I would (and could) never do previously. And I think, more than anything else, Andheri is a lot more... for the want of a better word, real!

I mean the place I lived at before this (Wadhwa) and the place I hung out most often (Powai), people everyone had such perfect and rosy lives that it was unbelievable. I would feel out of place. You know, how those poor people are uncomfortable stepping into plush showrooms of luxury brands? That.

Here, in Andheri, I see people that are a lot more common folk. There is heat & dust, good & bad, gorgeous men & unfit women, wannabes & famous people, rich & poor and a lot more. There is more, how do I say, heterogeny here.

Back there, everyone was the same - like a friend would say, each family had 2 cars, 2 kids, 2 houses, 2 perfect bodies, 2 hobbies apart from work, 2 club memberships, 2 pets, 2 relationships (in and out of home), etc. They were so perfect that even the oldies were fitter than most people I've known in my life. Plus the issues people had there were about which car to buy - Audi or BMW. No, not Merc. The conversations I would hear over the din of life were about which new restaurant to go to for brunch and if a 15-day holiday in Europe better than that in America. I would know of the movers and shakers in the corporate world. And which actor is sleeping with which.  I would not know about the dal roti ka bhao but I would know expensive the Kiwis and Avocados Avos are.

Since I have moved to Andheri, the things that I come across are people postulating about what moves the country and writers courting producers for scripts that they've taken 2 years to write and students pooling money to buy that one beer. People here are hustling hard to make ends meet. I now see those numerous idli-dosa stalls at 6 in the morning and a crowd of people jostling for space even when they can't afford that 20 rupee breakfast. The restaurants I goto, the laughter seems a little more unrestricted, little more unbridled. Compare it to the suaveness of conversations around a plate that has just a morsel of food on it, often called culinary delight and artisanal. Yes, there are rich people. Probably richer - the maids are expensive here. Yes, there are as many luxury cars as I saw at Wadhwa, may be more - the largest Audi showroom is right here.

But the thing is, people here have a spring in their step. Back there, life was more leisurely. You know, brunches were more common than struggle to schedule life around when the BMC would supply water - yes there are places that do not have 24 x 7 running water. And no, I am not talking about different strata of people. The same middle-class household around here is a lot more active than it was back there. May be that wasn't middle class and I am doing apples to oranges comparison? May be the Orange in me couldn't fit in with the stack of Apples there? May be that's why I don't miss things there?

Staying on this fruity comparison, here, I can smell the real world, you know the world with all its vagaries and gifts? Some people call it the smell of Mumbai that hits them when they open the doors of the plane! There, it was all organic diffusers and Body Mists (which I dint even know existed) and Chanel's No. 5.

Of course, a lot of things are still the same. There is the same harsh sun and magnanimous clouds. But there, the place had enough space to stare at the sky. Here, when you look up, you see buildings covering you and all you get is this sliver of blue. You know, how a bird must feel when it is still trapped in the egg in the cocoon!

In fact, when I was there, I'd tell this to a friend of mine often. That they lived in a cocoon. That thought has got a lot more reinforced after I moved here. That place was indeed a cocoon. Heck, the club there was called Club Cocoon!

Thing is, this sudden move from a place where I lived for three years, to this place where I am all of 15 days old, has opened my eyes. To things that I knew all my life but was never on the surface. I am wondering, the ones that move around a lot when they're growing up, they'd have such rich experiences and opinions. They'd make such brilliant storytellers! Damn! I am jealous! Yet another thing that I did not have. Maybe if I were there, I would be better. Or maybe I wouldn't even know that I ought to be better if I were there. This thing about them being better is in my head just because I am here. There. Here. There or here. There and here.

Black Swan + Black Shirts

Context. 

So I want to be a minimalist and I don't want to own a lot of things. I mean all I own is a TV, a writing table, a bookshelf, 300 or so books, two luggage bags, a guitar, a uke, 10 odd shirts (most of them black or blue), 1 pair of denims, too many undergarments, 2-3 pair of shoes, some paintings (art), a lot of paper and one small box of trinkets that have an emotional value. I also have some pass-me-downs from my sis that she left behind when she moved away from Mumbai (kitchen utensils etc). Wow, this is a lot! Need to reduce. 

Apart from this reluctance to own things, I don't want to do any chores either. This means that I outsource everything. Including grocery, cooking, cleaning, ironing, follow-ups and all that. And I've tried to automate most things. My food comes by itself. My house gets cleaned every day at 5 PM. I drop my clothes at a security guard and they come back ironed. So on and so forth. 

Why would I do this? I want to minimize decisions and make life simple.

Now, coming to the story. 

So, a few days before Diwali, I followed my routine and left a bunch of clothes to be ironed at the regular place, with the regular security guard, with the regular instructions to hand over these to the regular ironing guy. 

When the clothes did not come back for a few days, I chased the regular ironing guy and he said he never took them! 

I then I spoke to the regular security guard and he said he's not aware which ironing guy took my clothes as he was away (on a break or something) when the ironing guy took those clothes away. 

I thought about it for a bit, was worried for a bit but then got busy with impending travel to Delhi. And thus forgot about it. Actually, I did not forget. I just conveniently ignored it. 

Once I came back from Delhi, after about 7 days, I realized that the clothes were still not back. And that bunch of clothes that I gave for ironing had ALL the shirts that I own! Not that I own a lot of shirts - I think about 8 or 9. 

But the point is, they were all the shirts I own. Including the ones, I wear in the office, on events, on dates, at functions, on important meetings, etc, etc. 

And all of them were now missing.

Suddenly, I was shirtless! You know, not a shirt on my back. 

I tried to investigate and spoke to multiple security guards and multiple ironing men. But no one seemed to have any answers. The shirts had just disappeared. Out of trace. Without any clue. Something like that had never happened to me. You know, I am generally careful and don't lose things. That's a different matter that on this trip to Delhi, I lost my travel-pillow. 

I was perplexed and I did not what to do. 

Till I saw this message from VG, who lives in the same apartment complex. 

So there! 

Phew! Loss. Closure. 

You know, to this to happen, how many coincidences had to happen at the same time? I had to give all my shirts (which is not the case most times) for ironing. It had to be the wrong guard on duty (because the regular guard would know my regular ironing person). It had to be the wrong ironing guy that picked my clothes. The ironing guy had to forget a bunch of clothes at the wrong place for someone else to pick them up. My clothes had to be in that bunch of 20 flats. Then, someone else had to pick up old clothes at the exact same time! Black Swan? 

And the worst part? I would've never found what happened to my clothes, if not for VG and his super-connectedness. I would've always wondered about the mystery of the lost clothes! Now that I know, I am at peace. Closure is good! 

So what does this mean?

Three things. 

1. My shirts are being used by someone who needs them more than I do. So, yay to that! 

2. I will have to buy new shirts. Which is a good thing again. Because I can buy just three and try to live my life in those three. Could be tough but let's try! 

3. I realized that I am not emotionally attached to my clothes. I did not feel even a tinge of sadness. Though, I am bugged at the thought of spending time shopping for shirts. I am bugged at the idea of spending money. But that's it. I am not bugged about losing my favorite shirt that makes me look thinner. I am not sorry about losing the shirt that a friend gifted. Heck, I don't even remember the designs or patterns that I owned! I am not bugged that this minimalism and automation has cost me a wardrobe - you can never control Black Swan events. 

So yeah, that's it! How is your November going?

PS: Anyone wants to gift me any shirts? 

#untitled - 20092019

Yo Fam (see am a hipster - I call readers "fam". If you are old like me, you may want to read what fam means here)!

Trust you are well. I am ok. I could be better though. Such is life. You know, ups and downs. Ebbs and flows. Light and darkness. Yin and yang. Yes and no. Fuck I can make a long list of dualities that us humans are subjected to all the time! But that's not the point of this post. The point is, well, no point.

Thing is, I haven't written for a while - not here, not on book2 (which is a focus area for me this month), not on SoG (even though, thanks to a tweet by Ashish, it got more than 20 new subscribers), not on my echoChamber, not on my tracker that tracks EVERYthing I do. Heck, I am not even posting on twitter (well, I am. But not as much as I would like to).

There's this lull. I think its a reflection of how things are around us. Almost everyone including me seems to be struggling to make ends meet (except the ones that have stable naukris - and what's a stable naukri, well I don't know). And because there is this general pessimism, it probably has trickled down to me. And you know these things tend to have a feedback loop. I am not happy. That means I don't feel like working. I am not working and hence I am not creating anything. I am not creating anything, I don't see the output. I don't see the output, I don't get happy. And I get unhappier. And the thing spirals down to a point where I hit rock bottom.

This spiral had to be broken. And that can only happen if you are creating (in my case). Works different for different people. So, I am back to creating. Starting with this blog. And then extending this to work. And beyond.

You know, how they say that you can't control shit that happens in the world but you can control how that manifests at your end? That!

That's about it for the time being. Good to be back.

Oh and in case you did not spot anything amiss, I think I would say I've done a great job. And if you did, pray tell me. And if you don't care, well, who does :D

Three things that tell me that life's amazing!

You know how life is amazing?
No?
Lemme give not one, not two, but three examples!

One. 
I told Parijat a few days ago that I want to speak to a large gathering and be good at it. And develop that skill. He mentioned that the only way to do it is to get more face stage time. And like most advice that Parijat gives, it made sense.

So, from then on, I am on a lookout for opportunities to speak on large, public forums.

And somehow Universe conspired and made it happen.

I am going to speak to a group of 120 people about communication and branding.

Now, it is not exactly what I want to talk to the world about but it is a start. And the two other speakers that will speak on the same date to the same audience from the same stage are FAR FAR better than I. And thus, the opportunity is thrilling and scary at the same time. And yes, I am getting paid for it!

So, yay!

Two. 
I've been wanting to make public art for a long long time. And I am keen on establishing myself as an artist. Even though my "art" skills are non-existent and even though I try and write every day, my words are barely passable. And thus, the idea of a being an "artist" has remained a distant dream.

Till I saw this opportunity to exhibit at a museum. See Affordable Art Fest.com. These guys are new and are willing to give an aspiring artist a chance. And a chance is all I want.

The moment I saw it, I knew what I was going to send there. If you are curious, this. I need to work on it and polish it a lot for it to be even considered. After all, these days, every person with a camera is a photographer! 

Of course, I am yet to be selected and all that. But it did inspire me to think more about the "art" and the "artist" in me.

So, yay again!

Three. 
Recently, while thinking about my brand and reputation, I realized that I need to give my words a longer flight. And one of the ideas that I considered was to somehow get into the business of writing songs  I thought if I could make music and put that out, it would be awesome. And this is when I met this singer-writer-composer who is EXACTLY in the same zone as I - Indian, Sufi, Ghazal and similar.

Of course, I got talking to him and found him really affable. One thing led to another and he ended up asking me if I could write some songs that he could compose and sing. And I was like, "Woah dude! this is what I wanted!"

No, I haven't composed any songs. But the opportunity to do so is here.

So, yay yet again!

***

So you see, life does throw opportunities your way.
And it is amazing.
All you need to do is, give luck a chance :)

Rant - 8 Jul 2019

Ranty post ahead. Talks of things that may not be polite or nice or good. Read at peril. 

So, few things happened in the last few days that have pushed me to the edge, if there is an edge. No, I did not want to jump over something. Just that it was stifling, for the want of a better word. You know, how life could be unfair? If the last few days is any indication, life IS unfair. And is probably meaningless. So so many things happened that left me listless. Lemme talk of each of those in short. 

A, A friend is going through a bad breakup. The girl is clinically unwell and seeing a doctor. The guy is ok but his parents are unwell and is at hospitals all day long. I am one of their common friends and I thus know both sides of the story. And its a stalemate - it is not going anywhere, both of them know about it but hoping to not accept it. I wish I could fix it. Two great people. In pain. For no rhyme or reason. 

B, Someone I knew about and had exchanged a few tweets with passed away. No, I did not know the guy. I knew of him. Just that he was everything that I’ve ever wanted to be - nice guy, chasing fitness, restauranteur, helpful (he would help everyone that needed help), married to the love of his life, hustler, stood up for times when he was wrong, celebrated awards that his restaurant would get and so on and so forth. Because I knew of him on Twitter, while he and his life are familiar, he was still a stranger to me. And despite that, when he passed away, it came as a shock to me. He was young and he was a great guy. And you know, bad things aren't supposed to happen to great people. But it did. Life is fucking unpredictable, unfair and terribly short! Wish I could undo it!

C, Work hasn’t been great lately. I am working on this project that I really want to do well and despite all my attempts, I am failing at it. To a point that I am doubting my abilities. I anyway suck at BD and when I can't seem to deliver on a project, I get jacked in my head. My work is really really important to me and it sucks when I suck at it. And it sucks all the more that I don't know how to fix it :(

D, Something happened with this group of friends (no, can't talk about it here - this is reserved for sgEchoChamber) that made me realize that I do not have any close friends. I am just a convenient acquaintance to most people I call a friend. And the stupid part is that I've molded my entire life hoping to be of use to people I call friends! 

E, I've been unwell for far too long. And there's a different thing every goddamn time. Like this recent trip to Delhi (more about it in a bit), every time I’d sit in a cab, I'd feel pukish. Every time I’d eat something oily, I’d want to die. And this was coming on the back of that week when I feel sick. So, that's not been cool either. 

F, the only thing that was working out was the letters that I would send and the connections I made from those. Those too sort of stopped once I was in Delhi. Blame it on travel and general fuckery of the mind. 

Lemme talk about Delhi. So I had this meeting on a Tuesday and I decided to stay back the week. And I did. Met old friends and acquaintances. Jammed with them - it helped because they don't see me on a day to day basis, they could see things from an emotionally detached space. And thus, got tons of ideas. Which was a great thing to get some much-needed distraction! 

I also realized that I probably will never be the Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or Elon Musk. Heck, I won’t be Paul Graham ever. Leave him aside. I won’t even be an Indian Internet Entrepreneur that impacts things at scale. And it's not a great feeling to realize that you will not be what you thought knew you were all your life! 

So yeah. These and other such things kept me awake. Pushed me to the edge. 

And while I was thinking about things and writing this, I realized that I ought to be so thankful about my life. And about all the opportunities that come my way. And now that I am trying to get out of the slumber, I think I will have to be faster and lot on point. 

Guess these are the rude shocks that I needed to be able to make my life better and larger and all that? No? 

The Fitness Inspiration

Everyone I know around me is on the fitness bandwagon.

And why not. As societies and humans evolve and you rise up the Maslow's pyramid, you look at things that you could do to make life better and simpler and more fulfilling. And to be able to able to do that, you ought to be in the prime of your health. Health is an enabler if nothing else.

I have been unwell past few days and the impact and the effect that it has had on how I work and on my productivity has been visible. Not just to me. But to the ones around me. My team, my employers and all that. And it's not a great feeling. And I feel so helpless, so constrained that I don't know what to do.

And the funny thing is that every day I meet someone that has sort of transformed their lives using fitness as a tool.

Exhibit A. The marketing God.
Yesterday I met this guy who is like a marketing genius. He loved his alcohol, still loves his smokes and had this super unhealthy lifestyle that most advertising professionals have. Last I saw him, he was a fit dude. You would call him anything but fat. Yesterday? He was a transformed man. There were cheekbones, veins popping out of his arms and legs, thin frame that could not hold even a medium sized tee. At first, I thought he was unwell. But then he told me that he's off cigarettes, alcohol and any sort of oil for more than 6 months. And that has made all the difference.

He also said something interesting. He said that food used to be an ingredient required to keep us alive (like water and air). Just that over time marketers and the vain ones have made food into an experience. And of course, if YNH is to be believed, its food that domesticated us. Not us who tamed agriculture. It's a powerful idea if you think about it. Thank God that I am not that sold into this entire experience thing. 

Exhibit B. Shatrujeet Nath - the popular author!
I haven't met him in a while but his Facebook post told me that he can now do a plank for like 5 minutes. In the world of planking 5 minutes is like an eternity. Last time I tried a plank, I herniated my intestines. And Shatru is someone who loved his cigarettes and old monks. Oh, he's off the smokes as well. It's been a year now. Fuck! Mad! Respect!

Exhibit C. Someone who's not fit.
There is this friend who just started on this super amazing, life-changing opportunity. And when I met him yesterday, instead of being ecstatic about things, he was unwell and miserable. Physically. Not in the head. And the reason was that he's unhealthy. And not because he smokes or whatever. But he loves his food. And eats whatever moves. As long as it is vegetarian. And all the food that he eats gets accumulated and fucks with his systems.

Exhibit D. Saurabh Garg. Hello :)
If I am to get close to my life mission, I HAVE to live long. And not just live long, but be healthy. And I have so much inspiration around me. There are these Silicon Valley icons that I respect and want to emulate (Kevin, Larry, Sergey, Peter, Tim and others) and yet I can't seem to get going with a fitness routine.

I have so many friends that I am surrounded by, that believe in fitness more than anything else. So much so that it is central to their existence. Abhinav, Amol, Ashima, Bhaargav, Harshit and others. You talk to them and all they can talk about is how it's imperative to work on the health and nothing else. They get up early, do their workout, eat well, take supplements, sleep on time and all that.

I even have a few strangers that have been egging me to run with them. And yet I can't do it.

I have so much motivation around me that I should just start running and never stop. You know, like Forrest. And yet, for some reason, I can't seem to get a regular workout done. I have tried and failed to continue. I fucking need that zabardast toofan to get me out of my slumber!

Come on, Universe!

Feels like home!

As I write this, it's 7:18 AM and I am at Starbucks Powai outlet. There is yellow lights, the smell of freshly crushed coffee, AC at 22 (I guess) and not another soul here. Except for the Baristas, of course. And for all that it's worth, it feels like home. Really. More home than the place I live at. Or the place I lived at for years in Delhi. They were right when they said they would create the third place that people would keep coming back to. I keep coming back to it.

I don't live close to this one anymore and thus I don't really come here often. I go to a different one. And even though I am there literally every day, I still don't call it home. This one, the one at Powai gives me that feeling that a home is supposed to - safety, warmth, belongingness and other such things. The funny bit is that this place is not very comfortable and is always crowded with rich kids and fancy people. I can't stretch my legs. I can't lie down. I can't wear comfortable clothes. But despite all those things, this place, ladies and gents, feels like home.

Thanks for reading.

Oh, as I write this, the only thing swirling in my head is that I must hate my current place so much that I find comfort in a strange land and with strange people. May be. Any shrinks reading this? 

Sleepless.

The unthinkable happened yesterday.

I got a call from my landlord asking me to pay my rent that was overdue. No, the rent was not overdue because I could not pay. I have the money. But because there is a cash component in the rent that requires me to withdraw cash and send someone over to his office and deposit the same. Haha, cashless economy. And of course, I could not find someone to do that! Thus the snafu.

So the landlord called me and was curt when he spoke to me about it. I don't blame him. If I were him, I would do the same. I would probably be rude as well. He wasn't. Thank God for that.

This call is not the point. Neither is the fact that I am late.

The point is, I haven't been able to sleep since then. Because I am rattled that I owe some money to someone and I haven't paid them on time. Fuck these middle-class values that are so deeply ingrained in me.

I am so rattled that its 2 AM and despite the long, tiring day I had, I am unable to sleep. I had to get up and get this out of my head. I can't seem to stop thinking about the call from my landlord! And no, I am not exaggerating! I just couldn't sleep! And not that I am getting thrown out of my place anytime soon, the landlord is very kind. But this is unsettling af. To a point that I had to get up and dump my thoughts on the blog! Darn.

Thing is, all my life I have lived debt-free. The last big loan I took was for my MBA at MDI. And that was in 2006. Since then, the only money that I've ever owed to anyone has been either credit cards (which are great to give you some liquidity for a few days) or business loans (I still owe some a lot of money to a lot of people I've borrowed from, for work). In either case (cards, business loans), I understand my obligations. I know that there is an impending deadline and I know that I will pay the money back. Was the same with rent. But I know I missed the deadline. And that has set in motion a chain of events that I am not sure how to fix!

Fuck I have lost lakhs and lakhs on business ideas that I thought could work, people that I thought were sincere, cancelled hotel bookings, expensive gadgets that I don't need and even on friends that I thought would pay me back when they could. And more. And yet, I've slept like a baby. I have not given money a second thought ever. Even when I had close to zero in my bank, I did not bother. I knew something would work out. It always does. Not this time.

You know, time and again I am reminded that my relationship with money is warped and I need to fix it. For multiple reasons.

• A, I don't understand money. At all. I thought that it was a mere tool to conduct exchange. But clearly, it is a lot more. 
• B, I want a lot of it but I don't know where to go get it. 
• C, I know its not important (it is important but not worth obsessing over. Its just a tool) and yet a lot of my mindspace is occupied with it. 
• D, I wont know what to do with it, if I had all the money in the world! 
• E, I don't even know the utility of money apart from buying comforts. I mean money to me means freedom - to do things as per your whims. And to say no to things that you would not want to do! What else is it? 
• F, The kind of life I live (and plan to live), I am not sure if I would ever want to buy a house. And if I am not buying, and renting is the only option, how will I ever live with peace? Pay all the rent in advance? 

Of course, I am privileged to have access to enough money to live a fairly decent lifestyle, so what if it is in Ghatkopar - it is still a modern high-rise. I sincerely don't know what would I do if I had to live like most other Indians do. I'd probably give up :(. The thought itself is scary. 

To a point that I have this renewed commitment to do whatever it takes (saam, daam, dand, bhed and more) to make all the money that I can. So that I don't ever have to get a similar call from anyone. Ever. 

Oh, and one more thing. If I have to be that ruthless dude that can make the dent in the universe, how am I to survive if a simple phone call can rattle me so much?

Any ideas? answers? tips? 

-

Saurabh Garg

3:51 AM, 20 Mar 2019,

Mumbai.

The American Dream. In a Japanese Car.

So, as I write this, I am living the American dream. As American as they come. The dreams I mean.

I am as free. Free like a free man at the start... shut up, Mr. Garg.

Thing is, I have no place to go back home to. I am in a car and I am living literally in it. And to make matters more American, the car is borrowed. Beat that fellas!

I had to vacate the house I lived in (for the last two years) and the place that I am supposed to move in is not mine yet. And wont be. For the next 15 odd days. And thus, all that I owned (for all the claims that I make about living an austere and minimalist life, it was 25 boxes) has been sent to storage. Barring one laptop bag, one overnighter (that has one pair of denims, a couple of shorts, three shirts and as many tees) and one vanity kit (yes I do have one). These three things allow me to live on the road for about a month.

This would be, I think, the 7th time I am changing the house in Mumbai in the last 4-5 years since I've been here (Ashok to Zara to Zinnia to Peter to Wadhwa). 6th.

Funny thing is that this was the first time I was even remotely emotional about leaving a place behind. I am actually sad about leaving it behind.

I am not sure what made me so attached to the place.
Was it the fact that this was the first time when I was living by myself?
Or was it the view from the balcony? You know those expansive shots of Godrej and beyond? Wait. Balcony!!!
Or may it was because I was living next to Myra?

I dont know. But what I do know is that I miss the house. And I will miss it for a few days. Unless the next one is so grand and so amazing that I forget this one. Which I know is probably not going to be the case - the new one is smaller and there is no balcony to stand in and stare in the infinity.

I have no clue why builders in Mumbai dont do balconies. And I dont know why people in Mumbai dont ask for one and settle for less! Probably because space is at so much premium that people get stuck in whatever is offered to them? We'd never know.

But then, like everyone, I want to claim that I am different. I want to demand it all. Even if I am unreasonable. Here's what most people ought to do when they look for a house in Mumbai. For the ease of reading, am breaking this into a 101.

Step 1.
You look at your pocket. Understand the budget.  

Step 2.
Then you try to look at the kind of space you need.  

Step 3.
Then you do that math. What part of Mumbai will offer me the kind of space I want for the amount of money I have.  

Oh, I missed the most important component. Where do you want to live. I know of people who have decided to not set a foot out of Bandra. There are some that do not cross Mahim. There are some who are ok living in the jungles of Kandivali or Bhandup for the kind of space their budget allows them to. Then there are people like me. Who want the best of everything. Large space. Balcony. Proximity to a Starbucks. Accessibility to various hubs - cultural (Bandra), writing (Andheri), startups (Powai) et al.  

So, step 4.
You put all the variables together. Find a place that gives you all the things you need. You want. And then you tell everyone you know or dont know that you want a place.  

Step 5.
Go pray at whoever God you have your faith in. I mean this is that stage where you need Dua more than you need Dawa.  

Step 6.
You prepare for all the gut-wrenching questions that people would ask you. Did you read my last post? 

Step 7.
When you do get humiliated enough and find a house, you grab it both your hands. Even if the house will be made available to you after a month! And if its getting available in a few days, ensure you have a car! 

So after these 7 steps, in all probability you would have a house. If you dont, fuck the golden opportunity that you are sitting on, ignore that and go back to your gaon. I would've done that if I dint get a house. I was thiiiis close to doing that. No shit, bro. I was. Just then I got the place and the only compromise seemed to be getting the possession after 15-odd days. And I snapped it up! And that's how I landed in the middle of the American Dream!

I'd talk more but I have an important thing to do. Find a place to crash for the night!

Till next time, over and out.

The Itch. Dubai 2018, Day 12 and 13

The unthinkable has happened. I did not write yesterday.

That means that 10ish day streak I was on has been broken. Ok, let me not be harsh on myself and get on with the post. I'll just combine the two days. Big deal.

The theme for the day is reflection on the trip. I came here on the 12th (I think). Today is 26th. So I should be on 15th post. Ok, I did not post for the 12th. And this post technically is a reflection on the day gone by. So, 12 is ok. So its been 14 days and I have 2 more days to go.

More than anything else, I have a confession to make. I want to go back (home?). Enough of this sitting around. And thinking. And mental masturbation.

I am NOT made for thinking. I am a doer. The kinds that shoots from the hip. The one that acts first and then thinks.

So, while the trip has been worth it and interesting and I will do this again and again (at least twice every year, if not once a quarter), I think I am done. I am rearing for action. The kinds that makes me so busy that it does not allow me to think. I need have to go back. May be this is what recharging the batteries is all about? Maybe. Maybe not. Right now, I just want to go back and get moving with things.

The point is, BRING IT ON, Universe!

Saurabh Garg
26 April 2018
Dubai

P.S.: This does not really classify as a post per se. Too small for that. But then thats all I had to say. And I havent done anything substantial in the last couple of days. I've just been meeting people and they've been talking about various opportunities that are available in this region. And they've been talking about issues with the region.  

The list of things that I was supposed to do while in Dubai remains unfinished. Not because I did not have time or place. But because I did not work. Simple. I will work on them once am back. I at least know how to work better. I did learn the act of focus (for 2-3 days) when I switched off mobile data (its that simple). By nature I am fickle and have the attention of a Gold Fish and thus need to shut all the external stimuli. #note2self! 

P.P.S.: Next time I go for a holiday break like this, I will live (and work) at a Roam. I dont know if they are expensive but I know that I would love to have things managed for me. 

P.P.P.S.: Oh the one thing that I've loved about this place is all the cosmopolitan exposure that this place gives you. I need to write on this. May be tomorrow. Till then, over and out.

P.P.P.P.S.: Now that I've been jobless for a bit, I do not understand the ones that do nothing and just sit around. It must be such a terrible way to live life? Any first hand experiences? 

Untitled. Dubai 2018, Day 11

Back again. For a change, I dont have much to write about. You see, for a change I was busy working. And means I did not have time to observe things Or think of things. The kind of life that I love. If you take away work from my life, I dont know what I'd do :(

Anyhow, the day was pretty ok. I got one HUGE thing ticked off my to-think list. I mean its still WIP but I have made considerable progress on it. If that clicks, the trip would've paid for itself. Wish me luck! 

The other thing I need to capture is that I ate a large lunch! That meant I was feeling bloated for a few hours. Need to listen to my body lot more. I did compensate by not eating a big dinner. And because I was this irregular, I ended up eating some toast and jam late night. I sinned. Twice over. A, I ate carbs. And B, I ate em at night. Not cool at all.

I think I am beginning to get into a rhythm with eating less and abstaining from eating things that dont add up. I just need to augment this with more water and some exercise. As a next step, I need to read more on longevity and make changes in my environment that help me reach my fitness and health goals (and what are those? Live healthy till I am atleast 120. And why would you want to live that long short? Well, I can write a book on it! Lets drop it for the time being). 

Continuing with the food thread, among other things that I discovered on this trip, two things will probably top the list. A, roasted almonds. And B, peanut butter. Since I am trying Keto and IF at the same time (failing at Keto, blame it on Dubai), I am trying to cut all carbs from my system. This means that I am left with proteins and fats and peanut butter is a great option. And I am loving the taste. And the convenience. Remember I kept saying I'd pop a pill if it gave me my nutrition? Well this is it! Pill. In the shape of almonds and peanut butter. Damn this is making me hungry as I write this. 

And what do I love about them? Among other things, the crunch! See, I've always loved crunch. Look at my addiction to Papad (I refuse to call it Papadum - the fuck is that? Its Papad!).

So yeah. This is about it for Day 11. Onward to 12.

Saurabh Garg
23 April 2018
Dubai

This close...

If I've ever come close to giving up on the dreams of making it big and working towards the bigness, this is it.

I am this close, as close as it gets to giving up. So much so that I want to pack my bags and leave. To a place where no one knows me and I dont know anyone. Just pack the damn bags and head to a new place, to a new life and restart the goddamn life. Agreed that at 35 I am too old to do this kinda shit but I don't see a way out. I mean don't even see that light at the end of the tunnel.

I know no one else imposed this life on me. I chose this for myself. I made this life. Whatever I have, whatever I dont, all of it is a direct outcome of choices I've made. I can of course cry that I did not get the opportunities that others got. I can whine about the non-existent silver spoon in my mouth. But will the rant matter? No!

All I know is that this is not the life I signed up for (but I probably deserved earned). I need to find the reset button. Or may be, the giveup button. Whatever it is. Need to find it. And hit it.

In 2017. I...

Inspired by Sanjukta Basu's year in review, here is mine. PS.: I don't have the balls to be as open and as strong as her. So I will talk about things that I comfortable talking about. This means that this will be a superficial post. The real SG is still behind a veil. And anyway I did not do a lot this year and there are hardly any achievements that I can think. So dunno what I'll talk about! 

Also, to be able to do this, I will have to review posts on this blog, go through my twitter stream, see my FB updates and refer to my emails. Yeah I am that forgetful. 

Jan.

• Started with euphoria about the new year and how I'll achieve the impossible in 2017. Of course I did nothing of sort. I merely cribbed about how miserable I was. I talked about how I was #foreverAlone and how I ought to do something about it.

P.S.: Cribbing is something I need to stop this year. I think I did work on it last year. I will never know. I will have to find out from others. And I need to stop the self-deprecating humor that I enjoy so much. Like I said, I need to remove all negativity from life. 

Feb.

• I tried to start Modern Love. Failed miserably at it. Trying to start again. In case you can help me, do read this.

Mar.

• Took at few sessions at IMS for the interview / GD training modules. Loved it! I think most of my happiness comes when I am giving gyaan. Now, I know giving gyaan will not take me places but I love it when I talk, when I know I AM making a difference. Is there a lesson there?

Apr.

• I read this post by KK and I realised that life is short and need to jack up the efforts. Thought on things and made a life change. Read my post here. It has made me start keeping track of time and life. As of today, I have 2919 days to go. P.S.: Nothing has happened on the effort front it to be honest but I am little more organized and I am more productive for sure. Need to do more of this #in2018. 
• Actioned xTyres. Till date its not live. Sigh.
• Got a new logo for onWriting.in. I love it! You?

May.

• Started the #100HappyDays after I got inspired by this talk by a colleague. I lasted 40 days. I will take it up soon. May be from Feb 1? Who's in?  

Jun.

• Won our first award at C4E. Not that I care (may I do if I am talking about it here) but it does help get some mileage. Need to reach a point with work that we dont need awards to get mileage. 
• Took a holiday to Goa. My first where I stayed at a 5-star. Went with friends that I made at MDI - people that I can die for! 

Jul.

• Started the Saturday Breakfast Thing. Again, did not take it to a point where it could matter. Did one session and no-one else wanted to be a part of it. Do I want to do this again? May be. Will think during the year. 
• Bought myself a TV (twitter, blogpost). Next tangible thing I'd get will be a car. Or a house. Lets see. 

Aug.

• Asked a designer friend to work with me. She rejected me outright by saying that I am an average Joe and she does not work with average Joes. Took it to heart and been trying to be not an average since. And not really doing a great job. Will need to pull socks. 

Sep.

• Recorded the first ever video podcast. Was in front of the camera for the first time EVER. Got out of my comfort zone. Dint like it but it was cool. Need to do more things this year that take me out of the comfort zone. 
• Quit Diet Coke. This time on insistence of a client. A first for me. As I write this, I havent had one since Sep. Will start this year. No that I enjoy the taste. Just that I dont like to refrain from it without a reason. I know that it fucks health and its a reason in itself but come on! 
• Got my first ever evasive surgery done. My fears about hospitals, they came true. Hospitals ARE the worst places in the world. Especially the Indian ones. I promised myself that I will never ever see the inside of an emergency room again. Will work on health this year. 
• Also, took at loan to work on a project. Yet to pay it back. Hope to pay it this year. 

Oct.

• Made attempts to get active as a startup advisor. Starting working with 2 companies. Nothing came out of it. Need to ramp up efforts on the front. 
• Hired my first full-time employee for AWSL.
• Took sessions at EMDI. Loved em. Like I loved sessions at IMS. Need to teach more often. 
• Relationship shite. Lesser said the better. 

Nov.

• Went to the Mumbai edition of the MDI alumni meet. Realised my insignificance. Realised that I am unable to make deep relationships. Realised that I am laughing stock for a lot of people. But does that affect me? At times, yes. Most times, no. 
• Lost a super important pitch. To the point that I lost my sleep. And its important to record here because if I can lose that pitch, I can not win any other! Need to work on pitching bit this year. 
• 3 years since #tnks first came out. Where the F is #book2, Mr. Garg?  
• Got a life coach. Did a session but could not continue. Maybe will do in this year. Dont really see any benefit but will try it again for sure. 

Dec.

• Passed in a blur (was busy with a major project). Enjoyed every bit of it. But had to lose a lot of things to ensure that the project went well. Sad part? Cant talk to anyone about it. 
• Started #aPicADay on Insta. Checkout my feed here. Been 37 days on the trot. Lets see how long I last. I plan to do it till the day I die. I know. High hopes ;)
• Took 50th flight in the year. My first one ever was in 2005 I think (from MDI. Or was it 2004?) Since then I've religiously kept every boarding pass. To date, flying is a big deal. 

Phew! What a year. Lol. WTF a year is more like it.

That's about it. Sam said it right when he said that "days are long but decades are short." And anyhow, I am a believer in the hedonic treadmill. So I think I am overall ok. I mean I did work a lot, made some money, got some clients, made some contacts and all that. But it was pretty insignificant. Lets see what 2018 has in store.

Over and out.

P.S.: in2018, I will...

Post-Bangalore post-mortem post

I am just back from Bangalore. I was there for putting up a show for a client at Excon 2017 and since its a 7-day exhibition, I thought that I will do a million things while I am in Bangalore. The top few included...

• meeting friends and almost friends
• making new friends
• exploring the city 
• click some pics
• work with a friend on a book 
• work on my next book 
• eat properly and get fitter

And so on and so forth.

Guess how many of these did I do? 

ZERO! 

And why did I do nothing while I was there? No, time is not the culprit. After 7:30 / 8 most days, I had the rest of the evening and night to myself. And the reporting time the next day was at 8. And since I was leading the tram, I could actually come in by 9. So I had 12 hours each day to do all the things that I've listed above. But I could not. 

Here's a list of reasons. 

1. Bad planning. 

For starters, I was put up in a hotel that was in the middle of nowhere (about 20 KMs away from Bangalore). And most people I had to meet were reluctant to travel all the way. 

Two things from this. 

• A, become so good, so valuable that people are willing to go through large quantums (quantum but added an s for effect) of trouble to get a sliver of time from you. 
• B, Plan well. For example, when you know that you are in a city that you know is notorious for traffic, try to be at a place that is accessible. 

2. Energy. 

By the time I spent 12 hours at the exhibition, I was so sapped that all I could do is sleep. And snore. And then drag yourself to work the next day. 

Can this be fixed? Yes. I can work on my health and ensure that if I am up, I am full of energy. Most times I am but lot of times I am not. And I need to fix it. Health HAS to be the number 1 goal #in2018.

3. Team. 

I am in the process of creating a team, a set of people that are aligned to the purpose that we as a group are supposed to serve. And deliver. That of entertaining the world in such amazing manner that it inspires others. 

Now, to do so, I don't need people who work for a salary. I don't need people that stick on a list of holidays on their whiteboards. I need marshals that are aligned to the mission. And if not aligned well to the mission, then at least a part of their personal missions has to get delivered if they work with me and others.

Right now I have a few people that I think are in the zone. I need more. Are you the kinds? Help me. I am on 9819981337 / saurabh.garg@gmail.com.

4. My working style. 

I get super emotional about my work. I want everything to work with clockwork precision. I want robots that stand as long as it is required. I want machines to not overheat, to remain intact, to perform to the capacity and never burn out. 

While its possible most times, I know its tough to expect this all the time. After all there is a huge element of technology and people dependence. While you take every care to ensure that things don't go wrong (get the best crew, get the best material etc etc) there are times when you cant control things. 

And when things go out of control, I get unnecessarily harsh at people. I am rude to the point that I am amazed at myself. Reminds of that experiment where they made ordinary people cruel by giving them a role of a jailer. 

At this exhibition, I was the jailer and because I thought people were slacking, I fought with no less than 10 people. This included my team, my outsourced staff, other agencies that were working there and other people at random. I continue to believe that I was right in fucking their happiness but may be I was wrong. After all 10 people cant be wrong. No? Whatever it was, I know it has to change. I need to work on it or I will not reach anywhere.

The event otherwise as perfect. Apart from one time when the band was to play and the mics' cable came out loose. Of course we checked it right before the show but if a cable has to come out, it will come out. Wish I could ensure that as well. 

5. Raison d'être
So, why do we work? For love! 

Why do I talk about this? At the exhibition, I repeatedly saw people work for money. And not for love. And to save money, I saw people do things that they would otherwise not do. And that's not cool. I believe that money is important. But the mission has to be larger than just a hefty bank balance. 

I am the kinds that is ok to lose money to deliver a great job. Of course for a client that gives me the freedom to do things. The idea is, we must be able to do great work and charge the money that will make us happy. And find clients that are willing to pay the kind of money we want, to allow us to do great work! Its a vicious circle but I am sure we can find an opening. 

6. The silver lining

During the event, at one of the conversations that I had with the client (PV) on the side was about life purpose and all that. I realised that my life's purpose is to entertain people and do it so well that I become an inspiration to others. And in the process, grow as a human being. And then use the money I've made to inspire others. Its still shorter than making a dent in the universe (like Steve) or trying to save the humanity (like Elon) but its something larger than myself. And worth chasing. 

See this slide (from my companies' creds deck).

C4E's masterplan

I just need to work on it. 

7. Exit stage left

When the thing ended, I was out of there in 5 minutes. I did not say my good byes. I did not hang out to chill with the team. I did not want to get a group pic clicked (but I had to). I dint go out to grab a beer or something. DS tells me that its not cool. And I agree. 

But the thing is, I hate to say goodbye. 

And then there is post-event depression that hits you so hard that you don't know what happened. DS said it best when he said that a minute before the show ends, you are the master and you control lives and times of the crew and the event. And right after the event is over, you are nobody. It sucks. Thing is, I get super emotional about what I do. SC says that once an event is over and you get into a flight (or a car), you move on. To the next event. Or the next thing. Like, I shouldn't be writing this post but focusing on what will the next one be like. 

And third, I feel that once I have delivered what I was supposed to deliver, I can take off and die in my misery of an event getting over. Or I can go and sleep. Or do whatever. I am no longer on the client's clock. 

***

Now it has happened. I cant undo it. But I can take lessons. And these are things that I will do - no matter what.

• Figure out a minute to minute plan of my time. If not a minute by minute, an hour by hour for sure. I will start doing this from the next trip (that starts tonight). 
• Get anal about how and where I spend my time. And try to earn time. How do I do that? By putting in place processes that save me time. By getting people who can do things that save me time. 
• Try to detach emotions from work. I am not sure if I want to do this. But lets see how it happens. 

In all, this trip was a clear case of setting expectations too high. Going forward, I need to lower down the expectations and then try to exceed those. Or may be not. One life. If you don't hustle hard enough, why are you alive?

That's about it. Until next time, over and out.

P.S.: Here are some pics from the exhibition. Do give feedback.

Alive. And Kicking.

Last few days have been such a roller coaster ride. From trying to recuperate after a stressful event (which went ok) to doing another under duress (which went ok as well) to getting a painful operation surgery that was supposed to be painless (happened on the 23rd and till date there are no signs of respite), I dont think I have ever undergone these many transitions in my emotions in this short of a span. Ever.

I dont even know how I will write this. But I am still going to try. Stay patient. Will you?

Lets start with a list of thing that have been wrecking havoc in my head. In no order...

A. I turned 35.
That means I am now old. In no survey around the world I am a part of youth.

Apart from this, I was supposed to be a billionaire by the time I was 35. This is THE only truth I had known since I was a kid. I remember when I was passing out of MDI, I had told a friend that I will be a dollar millionaire and a dollar billionaire by the time I am 25 and 35 respectively. None of the two has happened and no, I dont say this lightly - if I were to die tomorrow, I will not be a happy man at all. To me, the only way I measure the impact you've had in the world is by the amount of money you've made and the number of lives you've touched / impacted / changed / touched. Money - few lakhs. Lives - fingers on a single hand will be lot more than the count.

I will come back to this. Lemme set context and talk of large themes.


B. I got my first ever evasive surgery done.
Yes I am lucky to not have had any big medical complications in these 35 years.

And if you are curious, it was a nasal polyp surgery. And it was painful. My respect for women has gone up many notches, now I know how surgeries could feel like. I dont know what makes them go through the labour pain to get a life to the world. And is this the kind of world where you want to bring a life to? Well...

Anyhow, the surgery meant that I was in the hospital for a few days and I was under a lot of pain and distress. And I was hungry. And since I was given general anaesthesia (GA) so that they cut cut the damn thing from inside of my nose, I could not even drink water (for more than 12 hours. And since I breathe through my mouth, the throat, lips and all other things were parched like a forgotten road in the damn Sahara). I dont remember much from after the surgery once I got my senses back; except that I was in the ICU and begging for water. I remember folding my hands and asking the nurse on duty to let me die if water was that toxic for my system. Again, more on this at some other stage.

Also, I realised that my capacity to tolerate physical pain is very low. And the experience has made me rethink a lot of things in life. The first one - the shot at the Everest. Thing is, while I will prepare for it, out there, you dont know what hits you and when. And unlike at home where you have doctors and medical science and money and time and nature by your side, up there, you have nothing. May be a couple of injections with adrenaline shots.

At some trek when I had hair. Lemme use this opportunity to show off. No? 

Second, I want to change the world and all that but in case I cant tolerate pain, how am I supposed to set an example?

Third, when I am in pain, I become someone else. I am often rude (to taxi guys that I use to commute from my place to the clinic, to chemists that dispense meds, even to my parents who are with me, like a rock!). I become someone that I am not. And I need to fix that.

P.S.: Whoever said Nasal Polyp surgery is painless, please do go get one. I will change my name if do not scream your lungs out. The procedure could replace those ancient torture methods. The kind of shit they make you go through, its unimaginable.

First you are suffering from a polyp - that means while the surgery happens, you would not get water for 12 hours (like I mentioned above). When you eventually get back to eating and drinking and all that, you cant feel the relief because there is this thing in your nose that makes your life uncomfortable. It is stuffed with meters of gauze, rolled into a thin tube. But thankfully, there is water and food. And btw you are still breathing from your mouth.

They remove gauze after about 3 days. When they do, you realise that all the blood and muck and other things inside of your nose has dried along with the gauze and is now stuck to the open would. Inside of your nose.

And how do they remove it? They yank it out. Simple enough.

But when they do that, it comes along with it flesh (ripping the wounds that had just started to heal) and some more blood. No, you are still not breathing. Neither from your nose because theres muck there. Nor from your mouth because you are screaming out loud.

No, its not over.

After this thing is out, they put a tiny suction pipe into the nose, goes about 3 inches inside (yes. 3 inches) and they start to literally scrape off leftovers with it. Again, nerve cells tingle so much, so bad that you are screaming. And no, you cant move your head. If you do, the drill suction pipe may damage something else.

They could give you local anaesthesia but thats another horror story altogether. Its like a spray in your nose. The first ten milliseconds are nothing. And then it starts to hurt the nose. And slowly, like a drop of water trickling down a dry surface, the pain descends to your throat. It gets "heavy" - at least you cant scream after that. If you do, I dont remember hearing it. Oh, the anaesthesia is local. Local as in millimetres local. The suction moves around so much that its actually of no use.

Also, this is where treatment for most patients end.

For me, for some reason, I had to get a silicone thing embedded in my nose. And stitched. Thankfully I was injected (not sprayed) with some more anaesthesia before that happened. I would've died otherwise. I dont know how do women get the nose pierced. While it looks gorgeous, it cant be simple. Second time when I realise that women are so much so much stronger. All this while I would think of women and men as merely equals. No they are not. They are better.

Coming back. I am not sure what are the next steps. I need to see the doc in a few days. If the nose is healing well, this silicone thing may be removed (by, I am guessing cutting the stitches and yanking it out, hoping it doesnt come along with more pain or blood, and thus no further surgery). If its not, I will have a second round. And no, I dont have it in me to go through it.

I now know of the plight of patients that need painful treatment to be able to see slim chances of survival.

To me, pain was an academic interest area at best and I would use it loosely all the time. I would write about it in my blogs, books book and other things. I would romanticize it when I would see a Rocky or a Rambo revel in it. I would think of it as a no big deal when I saw people fall down and hurt and cry. Now I know what a wound is. Now I know what pain is. And I dont know if I have hurt any sentiments ever over pain, but if I have, I apologize.

This thing has made me appreciate life a little more. Respect others a tad more. Hope the change is permanent.


C. This is probably the longest that I have gone without writing. 
More than a month now.

To the ones who meditate and the ones who pray, they would know how they feel when they are devoid of practise. I feel that something really important has been taken away from me. Some part of me has been taken away. Something has happened that makes me incomplete. After all this blog, this set of posts that I know no one reads (except Vivek and at times PD) is the thread that sort of gives meaning to my life. Like I keep saying, apart from living, this is the longest I've ever done something.

And no, I have no plans of stopping. And everytime I am away from it, I feel this void that nothing seems to fill, but a spewing of words on this blog.

And no, I am not complaining. I just wish I could do this everyday.



So, now that a broad table of contents (and a not-so-short rant on the surgery) is laid on the well, table, here are some thoughts. In no order. Lol. Why would I put a table of contents if I wasnt hoping to follow any table? Never mind.

First. My underachievement conundrum. Like I have said this a million times, I feel like a am a failure.

I mean look at any culture around the world. They would have their respective definitions of success. Most would have money, contribution to society, family, making the world a better place in varying degrees. Thing is, what I am, in no culture around the world, ever, would be considered a success.

Closer home, in Hinduism, there is this concept of Purushartha (this slideshare is a good intro). A man ought to have four types of goals - Dharma, Artha, Kama and Moksha. Each has a specific reason and order. When I look at me, I am not sure if I have discharged my duties on any of the 4 counts - I have a sketchy understanding of Dharma, I have literally no Artha, there is no Kama and Moksha is anyway kinda far.

Agreed that I get things done and I am good at what I do. And agreed that I am actually paid fairly well for it but its not something that gives me satisfaction. It does make me happy and I am in the zone when I am doing it. But, the thing is, I want more. Lot more. And I dont know why I cant seem to get that. Or there. May be I am not meant to be big. May be I am not the Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezoes that I've always thought of myself as. May be I need to accept it and move on in life.

May be, in an alternate universe, I could have hit the reset button and undo a lot of things that I could've done things differently - what bits, I dont know. Sincerely. Each thing that I've done has shaped me the way I am. May be I need to let go? I could simply move to a cold country. Find a boring job in a boring place that keeps me occupied and gives me a few hours each day to chase a hobby. Think of Mark Whalberg from Shooter. Once he is retired, he lives at a cabin in the mountains, keeps to himself and stays like that. Does odd jobs. Chases his hobby of shooting.

Or look at Denzel Washintgon's character in The Equalizer. All he does is, does a stupid boring job at a hardware store. And then reads because he's an insomniac. And becomes pretty much a creature of habit like no one else is.

For me, the day job could be driving around an Uber. Allows me to gather stories. And then with whatever time I get, I could go play pool and then may be write. These two -- writing and pool -- will allow me to get unwind after a day spent behind the wheels. Any way thats all you do when you are no longer young?

Or I could be Jack Reacher for God's sake! P.S.: Have this dying need to create someone like that. Why create? Because I want to be one and I dont have the ability to be one and thus, create one. Sidenote: Hah! Jack Reacher. One small surgery made you wince like a baby and you want to be a tough guy! 

Or may be, just may be, I could give things another shot. Till the end of the financial year. Go all-in and see what I am capable of? That means the next 6 months will be hardwork, hustle and lot of effort.

Lol.

Like I havent had this peptalk with me earlier. I forget the number of times I've done this. Sigh. But like I said. Time to correct course and that will happen from now. Next 6 months should be interesting.

Thing is, I have always said that I want to work on things that give me two or more of the following three...

1. 1. Money (a lot of it)
2. 2. Respect (from peers more than anything else)
3. 3. Opportunity to learn (and network and make friends etc)

And on top of all of that, I have to enjoy the process / outcome.

But then because I have chased this triad, I am left as a poor man, in an industry that requires little or no expertise to pull grand things off and limited possibilities of future.

I think for the next 6 months, I need to just chase money because I have enough to be able to pay my bills, I can invest the leftover at other places. And that could give me opportunities to learn and to earn some respect. No? Guess so. Will decide and figure out the next steps soon.

Anyhow, so this longish rant is actually very long now. Time to wrap it up. Hope I did not lose the plot. I still suck at going back to the post and editing it.

Thanks for reading. Pray for me. Please.

P.S.: This is the first day of the month, lets see if I can make a post on each day of this month. Lets say yet another 30 posts in 30 days challenge?