I can hide behind a veil and put blame on a million things but of course while I haven't been writing, I’ve shat, ate, slept and did all those other important and not-so-important chores. The only thing I didn't do was write!
Despite promises (to self) and assurances (to friends like Krishna), despite knowing that writing give my rooh the much needed sukoon, I did not write. I could not. The words wont flow! And I do not know how to go about getting that flow, to well, flow!
Let me try to change it. Today. This post will be a 1000 words, if not more. And now that I think about it, I will need more than that. After all a lot has happened and lot has to be told (to whoever is listening and to those 30 unknown people that come over to this blog on a daily basis).
So here goes. In neat silos.
House hunt.
This has been clouding my head for the last 15 days. In fact come to think of it, since July of this year, something or the other has made me a slave. First it was work, for almost a month. Then it was another 15 days of work. Then it was the birthday blues. And now its the house!
So, the place I live at? Where I take those gorgeous pictures from? That is no longer mine to stay at. The lease is expiring on the 5th and I need to find a place to live. So, while I have the intent and the ability to pay for an alternate place, I cant seem to find a place that gives me access to the kind of life I want. And you know the funny thing? I don't want much. Just a little bit of space, a clean house, a nice building and some fresh air. In a city like Mumbai, all this is IMPOSSIBLE to get.
Unless you are an Ambani.
You want fresh air? You can make a house that rises up higher than the highest airplane!
You want space? Go vertical!
The process you undergo to find a house in Mumbai inflicts so many wounds on you that the suffering makes you a philosopher. And these wounds and not just physical - those are easy to heal. These ones are slashes on you conscience, on your heart and brain. Even the damned time cant fill in the gaping voids left by the attacks. I mean when was the last time your life was scrutinized by strangers? How much money do you make? What do you do? Are you a vegetarian? Do you party a lot? And these are the easy ones to answer. There are others that I don't even want to write about!
And no, I am not a privacy fanatic but the way you ask these questions and the intent with which you ask these is what makes the experience, well, painful!
You need to get past the needless scrutiny from strangers, hoping that they’d like your “profile” and would “allow” you to live at their house. In an ideal world, this would be a fair and equal transaction - both parties would respect each other and all that. However, the landlord in India, has an upper hand. Someone has to fix this. Someone has to change. Some startup needs to disrupt this. Lets see if I get around to working on this. Rant for another day. The fact of the matter remains that I don't have a house to live in.
Anyhow... the bright side? You save the time and energy and effort you need to go for a digital detox. Or for a a meditation camp. These questions make you question your very existence. You start thinking about the decisions you've made in life. Your entire life flashes in front of your eyes. You realize that you've made the worst decision of your life by not "investing" in a house when you could. You chased experiences and independence and a life of poverty while you could have
If you are in your 20s and are reading this, unless your parents have 3 houses in a 3 different cities please do NOT chase your muse. Work hard, get that house, even if it binds you to an EMI. It's ok. You would not have to strip your soul in front of strangers.
Moving on.
36
I am now 36.
That means I am half past the average life span for a healthy adult in India. That means half of my life is over.
And what did I achieve in these 36 years? Nothing. Nada. While I’ve been meaning to do a million things, nothing has moved and there is this gnawing feeling in my gut that keeps me up at night.
I really wish this year takes me closer to where I want to be. And where is that? Amongst the stars! Well, I will be there someday but for the time being, metaphorically. If you are the kinds to trust in God and have a tad of faith, please do pray for me. I can really do with some help!
And yeah I stopped at it abruptly. I don't mean to rant. Or belittle myself.
C4E
A lot is up at work. Like I said in my previous month's newsletter, there have been hits and misses and there have been highs and lows.
But I guess that's how work will be. Most days you move towards a goal post. You will have those bad days when nothing would happen for you or those one-off days when you actually move backward. But that's alright.
So, the good (AND the bad news) from work is that I need to work harder than I've ever worked in my entire life. And this is that one shot that could give me what I seek - enough "achievements" that stop that thing that is eating me from inside. And enough money that allows me to not go stripping in front of prospective landlords!
Thing with work is that am a tad more emotional about it than the average “worker”. Which is a good thing most days - it makes me do far more than what I would otherwise do. And bad on some days - there are days when am so restless that I cant sleep.
Of course, the number 1 priority remains getting more work. If you know someone wanting to engage an events agency, please point them to me.
Other “work” projects
Apart from C4E, I have a few more projects that occupy me. Lemme talk about those.
onWriting. Well, its sputtering along. Not at the speed with which I would it to go. No, I am not happy about it. It had to be a well-oiled machine cracking at speed that no one else has seen. Need to be faster on it.
TheRedSparrow. Again, sputtering. And the tough part is that we operate in a category that demands content and yet are sputtering. Different reason that onW for the lack in speed but a reason nonetheless. So, need to up the ante!
Podium. Has been dead for over 6 months now. What do I say about it...
And then there are a few other projects that I better not talk about. They are as disappointing as any other.
To summarise, nothing seems to be moving. And from where I see things, I can have the following options.
A. Quit everything. Work on my book.
B. Listen to what every damn person I know has been telling me. Focus on one thing and make it large. So, that one thing that becomes large gives me the cash flow that I can use to hire talent and run the other things? And if I were to indeed focus, which one? onW? TRS? Podium? Or the latest idea to have hit me (the real estate one).
C. Get a naukri, make those easy million and then retire at Panchgani, in a house next to Vivek's.
D. These are the options (above) that I see. Do you see any more?
Writing
Well, you know where’s writing. Apart from not working on this blog, a couple of things that I am (not) working on are a, the next book (which should've happened in 2015) and b, a non-fiction on lesson's I've learnt! Both are stalled. Both need action.
Oh, and I put Podium under the broad bucket of writing. And that again needs some bit of effort. Lot actually. Not some.
Sad state.
Health
The bucket is health. Last few days have been really terrible. Since the Delhi trip actually (which is almost three weeks now). I was home and my mum showered all her love in form of paranthas and all that. And for some reason, despite knowing that I ought to eat healthy, I could not say no to her while I was there. And I am back to being the fat, old man that I was before Keto made me a tad fitter.
Oh, I started on Keto yesterday and I plan to do a 15-day cycle at the very least. Lets see where it takes me. Been 2 days and so far so good! I just need to augment this with IF and a bit of workout. I will probably start running. I am, after all, supposed to run with Daksh at the next Delhi marathon. Lets see if I run. Or walk.
Other things
Good things first. Since I moved on from the previous structure at C4E, I have become a tad more social! So, been meeting a lot more people than I was previously. And while it is definitely helpful, I need to now start leveraging this.
I also need to listen to Vivek and get more social. Now on. Starting tonight. Anyone up for a coffee / drinks / dinner at Powai?
In the end
So yeah. I wrote after a while. There’s nothing interesting to an outsider. Mundane life and mundane updates. But then, thats what life is. No? A series of mundane updates!
PS: Thanks Vivek and Krishna.
The bucket is health. Last few days have been really terrible. Since the Delhi trip actually (which is almost three weeks now). I was home and my mum showered all her love in form of paranthas and all that. And for some reason, despite knowing that I ought to eat healthy, I could not say no to her while I was there. And I am back to being the fat, old man that I was before Keto made me a tad fitter.
Oh, I started on Keto yesterday and I plan to do a 15-day cycle at the very least. Lets see where it takes me. Been 2 days and so far so good! I just need to augment this with IF and a bit of workout. I will probably start running. I am, after all, supposed to run with Daksh at the next Delhi marathon. Lets see if I run. Or walk.
Other things
Good things first. Since I moved on from the previous structure at C4E, I have become a tad more social! So, been meeting a lot more people than I was previously. And while it is definitely helpful, I need to now start leveraging this.
I also need to listen to Vivek and get more social. Now on. Starting tonight. Anyone up for a coffee / drinks / dinner at Powai?
In the end
So yeah. I wrote after a while. There’s nothing interesting to an outsider. Mundane life and mundane updates. But then, thats what life is. No? A series of mundane updates!
PS: Thanks Vivek and Krishna.
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