So, few things happened in the last few days that have pushed me to the edge, if there is an edge. No, I did not want to jump over something. Just that it was stifling, for the want of a better word. You know, how life could be unfair? If the last few days is any indication, life IS unfair. And is probably meaningless. So so many things happened that left me listless. Lemme talk of each of those in short.
A, A friend is going through a bad breakup. The girl is clinically unwell and seeing a doctor. The guy is ok but his parents are unwell and is at hospitals all day long. I am one of their common friends and I thus know both sides of the story. And its a stalemate - it is not going anywhere, both of them know about it but hoping to not accept it. I wish I could fix it. Two great people. In pain. For no rhyme or reason.
B, Someone I knew about and had exchanged a few tweets with passed away. No, I did not know the guy. I knew of him. Just that he was everything that I’ve ever wanted to be - nice guy, chasing fitness, restauranteur, helpful (he would help everyone that needed help), married to the love of his life, hustler, stood up for times when he was wrong, celebrated awards that his restaurant would get and so on and so forth. Because I knew of him on Twitter, while he and his life are familiar, he was still a stranger to me. And despite that, when he passed away, it came as a shock to me. He was young and he was a great guy. And you know, bad things aren't supposed to happen to great people. But it did. Life is fucking unpredictable, unfair and terribly short! Wish I could undo it!
C, Work hasn’t been great lately. I am working on this project that I really want to do well and despite all my attempts, I am failing at it. To a point that I am doubting my abilities. I anyway suck at BD and when I can't seem to deliver on a project, I get jacked in my head. My work is really really important to me and it sucks when I suck at it. And it sucks all the more that I don't know how to fix it :(
D, Something happened with this group of friends (no, can't talk about it here - this is reserved for sgEchoChamber) that made me realize that I do not have any close friends. I am just a convenient acquaintance to most people I call a friend. And the stupid part is that I've molded my entire life hoping to be of use to people I call friends!
E, I've been unwell for far too long. And there's a different thing every goddamn time. Like this recent trip to Delhi (more about it in a bit), every time I’d sit in a cab, I'd feel pukish. Every time I’d eat something oily, I’d want to die. And this was coming on the back of that week when I feel sick. So, that's not been cool either.
F, the only thing that was working out was the letters that I would send and the connections I made from those. Those too sort of stopped once I was in Delhi. Blame it on travel and general fuckery of the mind.
Lemme talk about Delhi. So I had this meeting on a Tuesday and I decided to stay back the week. And I did. Met old friends and acquaintances. Jammed with them - it helped because they don't see me on a day to day basis, they could see things from an emotionally detached space. And thus, got tons of ideas. Which was a great thing to get some much-needed distraction!
I also realized that I probably will never be the Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or Elon Musk. Heck, I won’t be Paul Graham ever. Leave him aside. I won’t even be an Indian Internet Entrepreneur that impacts things at scale. And it's not a great feeling to realize that you will not be what you thought knew you were all your life!
So yeah. These and other such things kept me awake. Pushed me to the edge.
And while I was thinking about things and writing this, I realized that I ought to be so thankful about my life. And about all the opportunities that come my way. And now that I am trying to get out of the slumber, I think I will have to be faster and lot on point.
Guess these are the rude shocks that I needed to be able to make my life better and larger and all that? No?
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