The last few days...

Hola amigos! Wassup?

No, I am not learning French. Or whatever that language is. I just wanted to change the salutation that I use to start a post with. You know, its getting boring with these numbers. Wait. What number is it today? 47 I think. 

So, here's the thing. When we started with this lockdown, I thought that I'd be able to manage the solitude, the ambiguity, the distance from all the things that I love (no, I am not missing people, to be honest), and all that. And I think I was ready to brave the break. And honestly, it did work well. Till the last couple of days. Or may be three. Not sure. But as we speak, I know I can feel the effect of this lockdown. I need to step out. And I will probably try an outing tomorrow. 

But before that, since this is something that is affecting my head, I need to find a way to fix it. Afterall, I am a padha likha samajhdaar aadmi na! So, I am going to subject myself to shit that I recommend to others. 

Here's my self-diagnosis. 

A. Are you working out? 
No, I am not. I was, till about three days. No no, my workout do not mean that I go gymming. But I do try and walk about 10000 steps every day. 

B. Are you aiming for a goal at the beginning of each day? You know, making meaning outta your life? 
Most days yes. 
Last few days, no. 

C. Is it work that is affecting your sanity?
Nope. There is no work. 
Events :)

D. Did you have an argument with your loved ones? Significant others? 
Nah. The ones that I care for, they are ok. I am talking to them ok. 
The ones that I want to care for, not fought with them either. So that's cool. 

E. Are you eating well?
No I am not. Not at all. In fact, am eating more crap than ever. In the last three days, I've had popcorn, paranthas, chole bhature, samosas, Maggi and I don't know how much bread. Pots and pots of coffee. And thankfully, no diet coke. Phew. Need to cut it. Need to get back to IF. I thnk how I ate over the last few days reflect how I feel. And how I feel affects how I eat. It is so connected! 

F. Is it a one-time thing? An isolated incident? Or has it been happening regularly over the last few days?
I think its a one-off. I have been pretty much ok if I ignore the last few days! 

G. Ok. Do freewriting about things that are creating the muck in your head? 
Ok. This will be tough. Quite a few things. For starters, I am not sure where am I headed in terms of my career. In the sense, there are a million things that I work on and none of those make either the impact or the money. And I am not sure how long can I keep going without a tangible output. I like results, you know. 

Plus the moves that I'd made, investments that I'd made in people and ideas and projects seem to be sliding away. And this is not new. I have fucked up in the past as well. To a point that I've questioned my very identity. But back then, when things went south in the past, I have been ok with those. I am mostly ok with maintaining a stoic distance. 

Also, I am an ageist. I am past my useful age. I've mostly been vocal about my age and the urgency with which I need to work. This lockdown and the disappearance of work has made me ponder if I were slow all this while! Do I need to fast forward and put more pressure? On myself? On the people that I work with? Do I need to work harder? Or do I merely wait for life to pass by and remain a "potential"? I mean I am done with 3/4th of my life. And COVID is making it apparent that life is uncertain (not that I did not know this prior to the crisis). So, do I just wait and die an anonymous death? Or do I try and make some movement happen? And go out and try to make that dent. Of course, these dents are meaningless in the large scheme of things but I am human. I want to be able to get others to do more with their lives. I am after all supposed to represent the idea of opportunity. I mean I was to be that outsider that hustled hard to do the impossible and while he was on the journey, inspired others, created opportunities for everyone around him, and ultimately made the world a better place! 

Ok, these were large issues. Simple things like ticking things off a checklist are not happening. I have not moved an inch on my book, leave alone other projects. I am not sure what is it that I am struggling with. 

Apart from these, I am of course fucked about the money situation but then that's ok. It will be ok. Someday. Hopefully, sooner. 

Rest I dont know. 

H. Do you feel good now that you have poured your emotions out? 
No! Maybe I will be once I wake up tomorrow. May be I need to take a break tomorrow? 

I. Anything else?

This looks like one of those freak times. 
That's about it for the time being. 


So, that was self-diagnosis. 
Not sure if it was any use. 
I mean I did get a post going out on the day - that in itself is the reward :) 

Chalo, over and out. 

Oh, and please do note that this is NOT a plea for help. 
NO, I am not down and out. 
And YES, I will be back. 
I think I am just missing Diet Coke ;P 
Chalo, till next time. 

Previous posts that I wrote during the lockdown are - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37, 39, 45

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