Been meaning to write this post for almost more than a week. As I write this, I am at an empty office, not wanting to go home (because there's nothing to do at home) and finding excuses to delay the inevitable. So, here it goes.
Disclaimer: This is probably one of the most depressing posts that I've written in a while ever. A HUGE huge crib alert. PLEASE read at own peril. Graphic content ahead. Extremely personal. Judge me if you will but this is me. My truest thoughts and feelings. In black and white. Of course, I will try to cover up this post with an extremely cheerful one (to maintain balance - if nothing else). But before that I need to pour my heart out. And I don't have anyone else to share with but the pseudo-anonymity of this blog.
Last Monday, I was in Bangalore (because I was transporting a car) and I was super excited to meet some really good friends. I also had made plans of meeting up with some fans of #tnks (yes! there are some).
And for a change, there were no hiccups and I did all that I had planned.
In fact, I loved the day I spent at Bangalore. I am beginning to think of Bangalore as my secret love affair (the way Delhi is my identity and Mumbai is my life). So, the weather was perfect. I did not get stuck in traffic. The credit card worked, the free wi-fi was fast, I wore shorts all day long. Etc. Etc.
Started the day by spending the first few hours at a Starbucks, working. Then lunched with a really really dear friend - met her after ages. Followed by a coffee at a fancy hotel with a reader. And then the evening snack with a fan at one of the most famous watering holes in Bangalore. I even played a game of pool, that I lost terribly (I need to pick up the cue all over again and get back to the game).
In fact, I loved the day I spent at Bangalore. I am beginning to think of Bangalore as my secret love affair (the way Delhi is my identity and Mumbai is my life). So, the weather was perfect. I did not get stuck in traffic. The credit card worked, the free wi-fi was fast, I wore shorts all day long. Etc. Etc.
Started the day by spending the first few hours at a Starbucks, working. Then lunched with a really really dear friend - met her after ages. Followed by a coffee at a fancy hotel with a reader. And then the evening snack with a fan at one of the most famous watering holes in Bangalore. I even played a game of pool, that I lost terribly (I need to pick up the cue all over again and get back to the game).
After the game when the beer started flowing, things went out of control. I had one drink too many.
If you know me, you would know how much I loathe people who consume alcohol beyond their limits. And I did that. And like all drunkards, I puked all over the place. I detested it but I couldn't do anything to stop it. Thankfully I had enough sense to not spew on my clothes or at the houses of others. It's a miracle how I took an Uber, a flight and eventually a rick to reach home. The next 4 days that followed, were nightmarish.
They've been so bad and so gloomy that I want to hide under a thick quilt and not emerge out of it. And I hate it when I am like that. I do everything it takes to not go down that lane.
If you know me, you would know how much I loathe people who consume alcohol beyond their limits. And I did that. And like all drunkards, I puked all over the place. I detested it but I couldn't do anything to stop it. Thankfully I had enough sense to not spew on my clothes or at the houses of others. It's a miracle how I took an Uber, a flight and eventually a rick to reach home. The next 4 days that followed, were nightmarish.
They've been so bad and so gloomy that I want to hide under a thick quilt and not emerge out of it. And I hate it when I am like that. I do everything it takes to not go down that lane.
Brings me to the first resolve of this post. I will not consume indulge alcohol ever again. In any shape or format.
Continuing.
So while I drove the 1000 KMs to Bangalore and when afterwards I was sick of all the alcohol, a few realisations happened. I mean what else do you do when you are unwell? All you are left capable to do is puke, make attempts at eating (and vomiting out whatever little you've eaten) and ruminate about the days gone by, trying to relive the good times and creating the fantasy world where all is hunky dory? May be this is why most great poets, authors have / had a problem with alcohol?
Well, I don't know about them but when I was down and out, I did not get any interesting plots or conversations or brain waves. Like I said, all I got was self-pity, self-loathing and the urge to dig a hole, hide deep in it, close the entry with an immovable rock, shovel it with some snow and grow a huge banyan tree over it. And stay shut in it. Forever.
Not one thought was a happy one. In fact I think the gloomy mood of the last few days has been induced by alcohol and all these sad thoughts. May be it's a feedback loop. Whatever it is, I have to confront it. I need to pour it out. Can't keep in my system.
One of things I realised was, I've left just too many open windows. And I've never been the kinds to leave so many of these open. It sucks to know that you agreed to help someone and then you did not get back to them or deliver. I know how it feels when something you count on does not pan out. I dont want to be to the source of someone's disappointment. I really need to apologise to everyone. If you are reading this and I haven't got back to you, I apologise.
Of course you judge people on the basis of their actions (not words). Thus, the second promise to myself. I need to learn to say no. Even if that makes me less likeable. I havent had a foggiest clue as to why I have this thing where I want to be liked by people?
Dont know. Moving on.
The next thing that makes me miserable is this thing about constant comparison with others. I know I have achieved less than others (self-pity alert) and you know what? I love to flaunt it! I mean I have reduced this to an extent but I am yet to stop. And honestly, I can't seem to stop it.
In fact, as I write this, there is this thought in my head that people younger than me, people who more troubles than me, people who seem to be on their own, say SamA, think deeply about things that could impact others. Then there are people like Lalit who've taken their passions and haven't waited for any vindication before launching their careers! They just do. I just whine. Like a 6-year old. For no reason. sgMS is right. I am yet to see real life and if these simple things can break me, maybe I dont have any right to believe that I can change the world!
So, thing # 3. I need to stop comparing myself. And thing # 4, need to realise that there are bigger things than I.
In fact, as I write this, there is this thought in my head that people younger than me, people who more troubles than me, people who seem to be on their own, say SamA, think deeply about things that could impact others. Then there are people like Lalit who've taken their passions and haven't waited for any vindication before launching their careers! They just do. I just whine. Like a 6-year old. For no reason. sgMS is right. I am yet to see real life and if these simple things can break me, maybe I dont have any right to believe that I can change the world!
So, thing # 3. I need to stop comparing myself. And thing # 4, need to realise that there are bigger things than I.
Next, like they say, when things go tough, tough gets going. Everyone around me is giving me a hard time for some reason. From my yoga teacher to my partner to my vendors to my clients to my team to my parents to my accountant to sgMS and even I myself am giving a hard time to me. And funny thing is, this is when I need people around me. I need a shoulder. I need support. When I dont have anything to look up to. I mean there is no unicorn happening. The book is delayed. There is no sight of the reason. There is no meaning.
I could take shelter in work. But that too is stalled. Not stalled per se but needs solid intervention. I have so so so many things happening at work front. I desperately need to hire and I can't find people. I know I cant pay well. I know I am not as inspiring as Steve. Or even Raj for that matter. And the vision that I have for what I do is very very utopian at best.
Apart from pulling up my socks when it comes to work, I need to up my game. And I am struggling with it. I talked about it last month as well. And even though its been more than 30 days since, I am still struggling. Need to end the struggle and get some real action. Real inspirational work. Real dent.
But, I am aware enough to know that its super tough. And I know my limitations. I dont know how people do things by themselves - all those entrepreneurs, scientists, athletes etc. I dont know how those lone nuts pull through things. I need to either learn from them. Or I need a Warren. Or a Charlie. Even a Watson would do.
Thing is, most of my friends are merely marriages of convenience. I do not have any close friends - the kinds they write about in books and movies. And I know secretly crave for some. I really want to be a part of a cult, some gang, something where I belong. And the belonging goes more than just a tattoo on the right-hand sleeve.
Thing is, most of my friends are merely marriages of convenience. I do not have any close friends - the kinds they write about in books and movies. And I know secretly crave for some. I really want to be a part of a cult, some gang, something where I belong. And the belonging goes more than just a tattoo on the right-hand sleeve.
Not just the friendship bit, in general loneliness sucks. May be, just may be, I am ready for a relationship, a marriage (I know this is song for my parents' ears).
But this feeling of loneliness is a one off thing that I get when I am unwell. So may be not. Do I want a relationship on the days that I am well? I dont know. I guess I am too old for anything meaningful. I mean I am 33 already. And if not there, then almost at the halfway mark. Why would I even bother. The way these years have gone by, the others will too. No?
But this feeling of loneliness is a one off thing that I get when I am unwell. So may be not. Do I want a relationship on the days that I am well? I dont know. I guess I am too old for anything meaningful. I mean I am 33 already. And if not there, then almost at the halfway mark. Why would I even bother. The way these years have gone by, the others will too. No?
Brings me to that eternal debate, the never-ending thread that holds me hanging onto and wanting to let go of everything I do - What is the purpose? What is the meaning of all this? Why do we exist? What's the reason? Any sages? Or do I go back to Guruji's wise words and assume that this too shall pass?
Anyone?
P.P.S.: No, I do not want your sympathy or attention. If you can read this with equanimity, thank you. If you can't, please do not lend a shoulder or a glass.
