Untitled - 14 Aug 2020

Hello, World! 

I am back with another post on the blog. And another post in the #untitled series. A place where I pour out my head, without an agenda, without any expectations. 

Here we go. 

1. 15th August.

Tomorrow is India's 70-something-th Independence Day. From a kid that was like a true patriot and thought about Bhaarat Mata more than I thought about anything else, I am today an indifferent middle-aged man. I don't know how this transition happened. I don't know what pushed me towards becoming indifferent. I am not sure if I am even coming back to being a jingoist nationalist. But I know that I am disillusioned with the idea of India that I grew up with! 

2. Technology snafus.

These last few weeks have been terrible in terms of technology - the laptop broke, the phone is anyway half-broke, I've not stopped spilling things on the keyboard. This new blogger sucks. I think after using this for over 14 years, I am finally ready to move elsewhere. Where to though? Someone help please! 

3. Attention-deficit.

While I have been mostly ok with the lockdown, lately I have started to feel a problem with how I attend to things. I've anyway had the attention span of a goldfish. Now, it's reducing even more - I am guessing I can give a hummingbird a run for its money! 

I did try meditation for a few weeks ago but I just could not get myself to sit still for those 10 minutes. Compare it to a point where I was doing some 60 minutes every day! I don't know what is wrong and what needs fixing but something IS broken somewhere. Let's see when I discover it. 

***

That's about it, I guess. 

This new blogger is really not cool. I can't even type on this! I need to port out soon. Will update a few days. Till then, over and out! 

#untitled - 160220. This too shall pass.

Its been a while since I wrote an untitled piece (the last one was in Nov last year). Thing is, there's way too much going on in my head and I don't know who to talk to and thus this post. Super ranty. Read at peril. Ignore if you can. And why am I writing? Clear my head. Archive my thoughts. Throw my intent in the universe. 

So, this is one of those days when I have a mile-long list of things to do and almost no energy to get any of those done. I mean I have all the energy of a child to move around, walk fast, talk faster, think faster than all of the above. But I don't have the energy to open my Asana and start knocking off things from it. You know, there's way too much work to even think about working.
Guess you know the feeling.
Or may be not.
Anyhow.
The point is, I have a lot to do and no energy. And I can't seem to find it. I don't know why. I get inspired by the largeness of ideas, the awesomeness of people and opportunities that are so much in abundance. And I know that I am at an amazing place and the timing is amazing and I have the will and inclination and all that. And yet, for some reason, I am poor and stuck. Stuck as in I am still a nobody. Stuck as in I still have limited capital. Stuck as in I don't know how to break the shackles of helplessness. I feel that life is moving past and I am stuck at an obscure corner, with no ride to ride on. Ride to ride on. Lol. 
You know, FOMO!
I know I shouldn't but I am afraid. Of missing out.
And I know its a fleeting feeling and this too shall pass.

If there is a trough, this is the deepest ever I've been. And while I know that this too shall pass and I will eventually come out of it, this feeling of getting stuck is not cool. And not cool is this feeling of helplessness. I don't know what to do to get out of this.
And I am fucking up at multiple levels.
What multiple? All levels.
Everything that you use to measure your life, I am fucking up!

I want to eat healthy.
I was supposed to be on this vegan and sattvic diet - I subscribed and all despite it being an expensive idea - but I am unable to keep my hands out of large plates of food. I am eating like a dude who's just come out of famine. May be, in my head, subconsciously, I am staring at impending starvation and thus eating all that it can lay its hands on?

I am supposed to meditate.
I try and sit down every day but I am unable to concentrate. With all the bells and whistles that I can manage (you know, an app, silent and cold room, etc). And yet, I can hardly concentrate.
This post that I am writing right now, I have this window open for more than half an hour and I have typed less than 200 words. And I have posted a photo on Instagram, opened numerous WhatsApp conversations with people that don't really care if I have a conversation with them or not, replied to a few emails and judged these three kids at the Starbucks where I am sitting. Why Starbucks? Because I can't seem to sit at home. I need to make a den for myself that is me. And no one else. And with the kind of money I have, it is impossible to have a den per se. A roof is a luxury. And I have just grabbed water and all that from the bar. 
All in the last 30 mins. If I could concentrate, I could change the world, you know! Remember that thing about the dude asking for a lever long enough?

I am supposed to get fitter.
I know that I need to start yoga, go for a run, climb 100 flights a day and do other such things. I am unable to do even one of those. Of course, these are merely tiny steps that I need to take to be able to reach my ultimate goal - climb the Mt. Everest and run a marathon. But I am not fucking taking those steps. I don't know why I am unable to.

I am not being a great contributor to the community. Or my family. Or my people.
They need emotional, financial and life advice and I don't have what it takes to give any to any. I've always imagined myself to be that strong pillar that allows everyone around to take shelter. Ok, shelter is not the word - support is more like it. But I see myself as a pillar that supports and enables people to climb higher. But here I am, leaning against nothing but wind!

Things are not that bad, to be honest. May be they are - since I am talking about myself, maybe I am biased?
I do know I am not doing well. Except for putting up the facade when I meet others. And they may seem very well be if you look at em from the perspective of those that look up to me (if there are any). But on the standalone, unbiased basis, they are not. I need a fucking intervention. I don't know which one. Devine? Medical? Spiritual? Don't know.

I am lucky to have the option to live my life in a way I would love to - I am mostly the master of my time, my office is at a walking distance from home, a tiffin service delivers food (and that ensures that I don't have to think about what to eat), there is a maid that knows what to do. Everything is on autopilot. But I am struggling with work and I haven't been able to crack this piece - mostly a result of my inability to generate new business. And like all similar things, it's a vicious circle - I need money to invest so that I can generate business. And the business thus generated would throw more money at me to invest in more people, processes, and things that allow me to generate more business. You know what I am saying?

I need to create opportunities - work and otherwise and I am unable to make any headway with that. There are other business things that I am a part of that could start moving fast and give me access to work. But I am stuck because the ones that are supposed to lead those things have other priorities. Of course, I am to blame. I have entrusted my life with them and if they have other things happening, I need to move ahead. No?

Ok, Eureka!

Thing is, as I was writing this, something occurred to me. This is why I love writing - answers often dawn upon you; plus this is a great way to emulate conversations with others and I think the best when I am talking to others. 

So, what if I am merely drowning in the pool of misery that I have imposed on myself? In the sense that I can see the effects of my inability to get work (less money, stress, inability to support others, etc). But I am not seeing the cause. I have been reliant on others for far too long. What if I take things in my own hands? I become that person that drives things. That makes things happen. That pushes around? Moves the blocks till I find an answer!

Plus, if I reflect on the last few days, I've had a very erratic schedule - I am sleeping at odd hours, doing things that were not planned and taking way too many breaks. I can blame those on all the meetings that require me to criss-cross the city. But then those are part and parcel of life. Irrespective of the time I sleep, I can at least wake up at 5:30 every day and reach work at 6:30! How tough could it be?

Let's do it. Starting tomorrow. Irrespective of what time I sleep tonight. Will set alarm once I have finished writing this piece. No, I am not picking my phone up unless I finish this piece. I did! I could not concentrate. :( 

And finally, if I try and review things that I have planned to do in a certain day, week, month, etc, I often miss those goals (which is ok - I often have stretch goals and I like the idea of impossible challenges) but I don't even revisit the ones that I miss and I don't lament over those. I don't obsess over the fact that nothing is moving. If others can't, I need to be able to move those. Even if its a pendulum motion where I go back to the center after all the hard work, I need to get things moving. I know, I know. The direction is more important than speed. But right now, I am standing still. I am not creating opportunities. I need to do that! I will have to simply work harder than I have ever worked in the past and create more opportunities. It's ok if I am 37. I can still work hard. Like I said at the beginning of the rant, I am full of energy. Lemme put it to good use!

And with this, over and out! Thank you for listening, reading, etc, etc.

#untitled - 20092019

Yo Fam (see am a hipster - I call readers "fam". If you are old like me, you may want to read what fam means here)!

Trust you are well. I am ok. I could be better though. Such is life. You know, ups and downs. Ebbs and flows. Light and darkness. Yin and yang. Yes and no. Fuck I can make a long list of dualities that us humans are subjected to all the time! But that's not the point of this post. The point is, well, no point.

Thing is, I haven't written for a while - not here, not on book2 (which is a focus area for me this month), not on SoG (even though, thanks to a tweet by Ashish, it got more than 20 new subscribers), not on my echoChamber, not on my tracker that tracks EVERYthing I do. Heck, I am not even posting on twitter (well, I am. But not as much as I would like to).

There's this lull. I think its a reflection of how things are around us. Almost everyone including me seems to be struggling to make ends meet (except the ones that have stable naukris - and what's a stable naukri, well I don't know). And because there is this general pessimism, it probably has trickled down to me. And you know these things tend to have a feedback loop. I am not happy. That means I don't feel like working. I am not working and hence I am not creating anything. I am not creating anything, I don't see the output. I don't see the output, I don't get happy. And I get unhappier. And the thing spirals down to a point where I hit rock bottom.

This spiral had to be broken. And that can only happen if you are creating (in my case). Works different for different people. So, I am back to creating. Starting with this blog. And then extending this to work. And beyond.

You know, how they say that you can't control shit that happens in the world but you can control how that manifests at your end? That!

That's about it for the time being. Good to be back.

Oh and in case you did not spot anything amiss, I think I would say I've done a great job. And if you did, pray tell me. And if you don't care, well, who does :D

The day that was - 11 Jul 2019

Yo. I have nothing special to report. Except that, today was one of those eye-opening days. I met this guy who made me think about the very reason why I am alive! I always thought I had the answer but I did not :(

I mean I know I want to enable a billion people to do better. By setting an example (you know, do tough things like climbing the Mt. Everest, making a billion dollars, etc). And then by connecting them with others that I know could help them. I just don't know how to do that at scale! 

So, he gave me this brilliant framework to think on. And that means I will have to work hard, think hard and probably get hurt as I uncover those patterns that have made me who I am. Task's been cut out for me. Tough thing.

Apart from that one meeting, I did some work, walked almost 13K steps (not that I did not want to - blame it on Mumbai traffic), ate like a pig (need to fix this), published a letter, wrote this post and getting ready to call it a day. Oh, now, when I end the day, inspired by Deep Work, I shut down the laptop and do not even think about things.

So, all in all, a pretty ok day. I just hope that I get to sleep well.

Until tomorrow, over and out!

Day 3.

Today is day 3 of publishing three days on the trot on my blog. The one I wrote the day before, there was an agenda to it. The one I wrote yesterday, there was no agenda. Today, I have one. To take the streak to 3. In absence of anything meaningful on my hands and absence of ideas that I can work on to make meaning, this is the least I can do.

As I write this, I have not checked my email in the last 18 hours or so and no the world has not come crashing down. I will check emails right after this post is done. I have spent less than 10 minutes on Twitter + Instagram combined. I feel I am missing out on a lot. But so far nothing has been taken away from me. Guess once I miss on a big opportunity because I was not around to respond to messages. But then, like they say, if there's something that is important enough for you to know, it will find a way to reach you. So, let's see. I have stayed away from Whatsapp as well. Unless absolutely necessary.

Thing is, I am trying to implement Deep Work philosophy in life.

It is tough - this concentration without the distractions that I am used to. So far its been a few hours and I am yet to see any tangible positive results. If I can do this for a month or so, I will probably see the impact. Let's see how that goes. I just need to get enough writing and enough exercise done. Once that happens, life would be ok I guess - other pieces are good (family, relationships, friends, etc). Money continues to remain a challenge. Let's see when that gets resolved. 

The thing with Deep Work is that it asks you to allocate distraction free chunks of time on things. Like this piece. I allocated 30 minutes to write this piece. I am in the 17th minute and I don't know what else to write. I have to persist for 13 more minutes and write whatever comes in my head. Ok, 10ish. I will need 3 minutes to edit, spell-check, etc.

The biggest takeaway that I had from this book was the importance of winding down. I knew about it but I would never exercise it. Now is the time to do it. Yesterday I did not work as I was about to sleep. I did not start work immediately as I woke up today. Of course, work is light these days and thus I have the luxury. Let's see how the next few days (as I get busier) go.

Ok, I am at the 23rd minute and I can't write anymore. Will edit and publish this.

And that's about it for the time being. There is nothing else to write. I will, however, write a few more words today on SoG 1KWAD piece. In case you want to receive those in your mailbox, please let me know.

Chalo, over and out.

PS: As I was editing this, I realized that there are so many forward-looking statements in this piece! Such has life been - forward-looking. Saving up sex for old age. Etc.

PPS: Why would I force myself to implement Deep Work? Because I realized that life is short, you are alone and we waste so much time that it's not funny. And, this quote...

Dr. Peterson says, "if for 10 years you dint avoid doing what you knew you needed to do, what would you be like?"

My next ten years started on Jul 1, 2019. I am 10 days in and if I can't write every day, why am I even trying? There is so much comfort in taking up an easy job!

Till tomorrow...

#untitled - 28Mar19

This is an excerpt from #SoG130.

What is SoG? 

A series of letters that I write every day where I talk about ideas that can help us become better. Subscribe here. You would not regret. Promise.

Here goes... 

I did not send the letter yesterday. Even though I could. I had the time. I knew what I wanted to talk about. But I did not. In fact, not just the letter, last few days have been tough for almost everything. To a point that I am unable to write. And I am unable to even think. Or operate. I have no clue why. Maybe its all the heat in Mumbai? Or maybe its something else? Is it all the work on my plate that is keeping me occupied? Or because I am not working out? The worst part? I can't seem to find time to workout! Oh, workout for me means a leisurely walk for 10 minutes. 

Also, I am not doing so well in my head. In the sense that thoughts are swirling and "flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe. Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind, possessing and caressing."

I am actually at that point where I am questioning if I want to write these. One part of me says I must - each letter is an opportunity to write and thus, an opportunity to read. Plus writing every day is one of those discipline things that I must have in life. This is the thread that could define my life. Heck, define me.

And then I read how Picasso lived for 33,403 days and has 26,075 published works (see this tweet and this post). And I realised that if I can't write a letter a day, how am I going to get closer to my mission of inspiring a billion people? 

On top of it, I got this message from a stranger (on Twitter) that said that he would like to subscribe to my letters. I don't know if it was a random act of kindness but it did make me smile. I know that these letters touch a chord and thus the resolve to write every day got stronger. Thank you, Mr. Shah. I hope you are reading this. 

Oh, and of course responses to this letter affect my writing. And my sanity. And of course people, things, incidents, circumstances and all that affect my sanity as well. There are a few things that I can control. And a lot that I cant. Writing is one. Feedback, readers, subscribers, unsubscribers, I cant.

So yeah, I am committed to writing these. Let's see when the next jolt comes in. Do let me know if you would want me to write something specific. 

Thank you for reading and staying with me! Here's to 1000 True Fans.

#untitled - 17Mar19

There is nothing specific that I want to say. I write this because I have nothing else to do. I mean I do have a few million tasks to do a few thousand projects to work on and a few hundred conversations to make and a few billions to make. But right now, I am not sure if I want to work on any of those things. I do however want to not waste the time and consume something that just allows me to not get bored. Plus today is a special day. Plus there are so many thoughts in my head that need taming. Plus I am so restless that I need meditative things to be able to not lose sanity. I need music from Lucky Ali and Rabbi Shergill and Silk Route and the ilk. You know, the one that I grew up on? Or from Bob Dylan, if you will. If I were any different, I would get drunk. Or get high. Or get slow. Or whatever. Something that soothes me. Something that pats me on the back and tells me that all would be ok. And gives me that big bear hug that puts me at peace.

No no. I am not in need of medication or therapy or something. Alls well. Just that I need to be able to find ways to make enough to chase that I want to pursue.

Chalo, over and out and lemme go find out something that adds meaning. Meanwhile, see this.

#Untitled - 21 Feb 2019

This is a short post. I am writing this as I take a break from the madness of an event setup. I dont do this normally but life hasnt been normal lately and now that its in this spiral, I better do all things that are typically not normal. Wow thats some gibberish. Anyhow. So I am at this event. This is among the largest events I do each year and the audience has atleast 100 people that are worth 100 crores. Each. Not kidding.

And each time I come here, I make a promise to myself that I will go back and do something that will make me as rich (as the attendees), if not more. And since I've been doing this (2016), I am yet to do it :(

Each time I do this, there is a bittersweet feeling.

Bittersweet because there is so much excitement at the prospect of doing an event. And then there is sadness that I am so so far from money that its as distant at the Everest.

Bittersweet because there is so much excitement about the a new show. Each event is a new show. Each show is new. And same. And yet different. And anxiety that you may not get to do this event next year!

Bittersweet because there is so much excitement about the things at stake while working on a project of this scale. And there is sadness that after this is over, that jolt that I need will go hanging for another year (assuming I get to do this event the next year).

Bittersweet because there is so much excitement because after each event you go back home with a new set of friends that in normal course of things, you'd never meet again. And there is this matter of chance that you'd bump into those people at some other juncture in life! And there is sadness that your regular tribe, your crew, your family, the people you are used to seeing next to you arent around when you are fucked with some crisis.

However a few things do get clear each time I do this. Chief of those is that I love this business like no other. The excitement of running a live show is unparalleled. If I ever choose to deviate from the mission that I am on with C4E, I will go and become a freelance event show director / producer. Really.

Talk of life goals, eh?

#Untitled - 17 Feb 2019

There is this ajeeb is sadness and I have no clue why. I wish I had a car that I could take to the hills. Or to the beach. Meet some strangers, get pally with them, talk of new things and not worry about the baggage that I am hiding in the boot of the car. I don't know what's the source of this sadness. Is it that I don't have anyone to hang out with. Or is it my lack of tangible achievements that makes me sad? Or maybe the fact that I've been unwell for last so many days. Or maybe its trip of sad songs that I am on. Really. Sad songs make you sad. Happy songs make you happy. I mean look at Punjabis. All most of their music is happy and they ARE the happiest bunch around.

Or maybe because I haven't written in the last few days. Or maybe because I faced this soul-crushing rejection a couple of days ago. Of course, rejection is not new to me - I have been rejected multiple times in the past for multiple things by multiple people and in multiple situations that were both controllable and uncontrollable. And yet when I play, I want to win. I don't like to lose.

I am not sure which one it is. But one of these is at fault. Or maybe something is at fault that I can't seem to put my finger to. And I don't like it. No, not the sadness. Sadness is ok. That's part and parcel of life. But the fact that I can't put my finger to it :(

I am so sad that I don't even know how to explain it to you.
If it were a colour, it would be what? Pale yellow?
If it were a song, it would be Tanhayee. Or maybe Kyon Main Jaagoon. Or that last scene and the sad riff from Kabhi Haa Kabhi Naa? You know that right?
If it were a cartoon character, it would be snoopy.
And if it were a piece of text, a poem, it would be this!

P.S.: You know the funny thing? On my daily letter (subscribe now), I wrote about how happiness is a great lifehack! Lol! Irony just turned in its grave.

P.P.S.: Wrote this yesterday but couldn't get around to publishing it. I thought it was too depressing. Reviewed today and no, it's not that sad or depressing. 

#Untitled - 21 Dec 2018

As I write this, its 9 AM at a residential area (Thane).
I am here to meet a friend and hoping to get some homeopathy treatment for whatever ails me (which is I dont know what, except Lichen Planus and a suspect pain in my balls - this could, if I believe Google, be anything ranging from an infection to old age to hernia to those diseases that I dont want to name). 
As I write this, I feel good. Really good.
The kinds that I havent felt in a while.
I dont know why.
May be because I am a morning person?
Or maybe because I am on pseudo Keto for last 15 days (most days I stick to Keto meals but I have been cheating and that means I am essentially on a lo-carb diet).
Plus the weather is nice (people are shivering even after layers and layers of clothes and I am in a thin tee and shorts).
And I am at an empty cafe (Chaayos, not Starbucks) and I am sipping on to Green Tea (which as per a twitter friend, is pure evil) and listening to Hindi pop-music (the kinds I like - Lucky Ali, Mohit Chauhan, Papon etc).
Right now, at this moment, assuming the mood swings dont happen, I have no worry in the world (the year is ending and I am going off technology in a couple of days - so I am excited, scared, intimidated and more about it).
I am in general hopeful about life and all (not that I have a lot of things planned #in2019 but I am hopeful).
I am writing frequently (#SoG) and words flow easy. Like I am in the never-ending flow state.
This is that feeling that I would love to last forever!
Fuck! As I write this, just thinking, is it all the meditation that I have done in the last few days (except yesterday when I missed)? I mean meditation doesnt really work for me. The mind runs in all directions all the time. But then I do sit stable for 10-15 mins that I meditate. I use Headspace which I think is brilliant. And no I have not tried other apps. 
Or may be it is all the mindfulness that I have been practising?
Or is it because I have forced EVERY negative thing out of my system? I mean I told my best friends that I dont want to talk to them if they merely diss me. And I left all the conversation opportunities (Whatsapp groups, family gossip, toxic workplace etc) that can drag me down. The kind of person I am, I feel bad for days for simple tiny things like someone being curt to me. And I tend to take on misery of others as well! Ok, rambling.
Back.

Just that I would want a tad lot more money. I would want to make a difference to the lives of people around me. I would want to write and create impact. I would want to enable passionate people. Soon, Mr. Garg. 

This is like the perfect day! I would however want to change a few things. Here's a list.

A, the place I live at? Thats way too crowded for my taste. I would love this laidbackness at where I live. I can potentially move in this part of the world, but then I would be super-cut off from work. And at this point in life that can NOT happen. Work is priority. And I have to make all the damn money. I will move and all once I make the money.

B, I would shift my patronage to Chaayos if they werent this wannabe and stopped copying Starbucks. But then who cares about me. Or I'd love to have Starbucks to start playing Hindi music. To me, music is the thing. And I love Hindi way too much! 

C. I'd like to be fit. This is something that I can work on. And I will, in 2019. After all this IS required to take me closer to my #lifeGoal of the the Everest. I dont know why I want to change this. Like I said, I feel good physically, mentally and all that! 

D. All those kids that use these coffee shops as date haunts? I would line them up and open up a hose of cold water. I mean this sounds like an apt punishment for the ones in Mumbai that wear thick jackets and all that. Thing is, I have nothing against dates - life is meant to be spent in love. I hate the concept of their frivolousness and approach towards life. There ARE far more important things than whiling away time at cafes.

E. I REALLY wish Diet Coke was not harmful in the long-run. I mean all reports say that Diet Coke is just water and some secret recipe and aspartame and lot of carbon. And I know that all reports says that Diet Coke is not cool. And I love the taste and the feeling. I dont know what to do about it! #help

That's it for the day!

Oh, apart from these "changes", I think I'd sum up this piece with following.

• I like vast, empty spaces with some habitation. And businesses that are open and are willing to cater to what I may need. This is probably why I like the US of A. Vast open spaces. Businesses that want to do business (unlike India).
• I love mornings. Really. I think its the greatest thing that I have. I wish I can stay like this. 
• Hindi music is my catharsis. Must make a playlist on YT or something that I can shift to when I need rejuvenation. 

Chalo, gotta go. Over and out! 

#Untitled - 16 Dec 2018

So its been sometime that I wrote here. There are a couple of reasons for it.

A
I dont have anything interesting to report. Thing is, this is my personal blog and I think I have said all that I had to. I mean there is nothing special happening on the personal front. I am merely growing old and along with that, I am growing more rigid, rude and un-companionable. And thats not something that I want to report. Or write about. I can talk about how growing old is giving me the clarity and making me better and all that. I actually wrote. But when I did some review while editing, I realised that it had become a ranty piece. And since I've decided that I wont whine, I removed it all.

So, in one line, nothing worth writing, reporting.

Of course I do write a letter everyday to a few friends (called #SoG, some letters are available here, where everyday I talk about one thing that you can do to improve yourself; lemme know if you want to subscribe) and I am active on twitter and all that (this will change, read below). But I simply dont have anything that I may want to write.

One may argue that the blog is not meant to be a report-card but a place where you dump your thoughts. Thing is, I have found better alternatives for that. I write on my echoChamber, my journal and other places and that helps a lot.

Oh, in case updates are important, there ARE a few things that I am trying in the next few days. Maybe those will interest you!

Here's a list.

1. As of today, I am off twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Till the 2nd of Jan 2019. Lets see how long do I last. This is important to me. Because I believe that these SM channels allow you to create your personal brand, that in turn gets you opportunities and all that. More than that, I really enjoy "eavesdropping" on the chatter on the twitterverse. Twitter in fact is the first source of information for me! 

2. On the next Saturday (or maybe Sunday), I will get off whatsapp as well. Till the 2nd of Jan' 19. In case you wish to reach me, you will have to call me. Or SMS me. Like the good old days. Its ok if I lose out on the opportunities. Again this is big. MOST of my work happens on WA. From tiny things like coordinating to large things like reports and invoices and all that - all happens over WA. Lets see how I survive.

3. And on the 25th or so, I will switch off my computer. Again till the 2nd of Jan. Really. Last time I went this long without my laptop, it was in 2009 when I went to Vipassana. Lets see how the experiment goes this time.

I plan to do a complete digital detox. This means no electronic device except a basic phone.

I will still goto Starbucks and wework to work sit and read and write. With a physical book and a pen and a paper. It will be tough to walk around without a laptop or an electronic device that gives me access to Internet. Lets see if I can be a modern day hermit!

Oh while I am in my self-created hermitage, I plan to revisit some old classics - Walden, Meditations, Count of Monte Cristo et al. There are health books that I am hoping to read (Bulletproof Coffee etc). If I can find time, I will read some modern ones as well - 21 ideas for 21st century tops the list. I would have learnt to code but I am not sure I can do that without a computer. And I dont even want to try.

Oh, while I go on the detox, the only thing I am worried about is my meditation. I am dependent on Headspace for guided sessions. I will see what I can do about it.

The other thing I am worried about is writing with a pen and a paper. I really suck at it. Ideas dont really flow while I use a pen. But a decision is a decision and I dont want to have an iota of distraction.

Wish me luck ;)

B
I am on this trip where I want to eliminate all negativity from my life.
Negativity. Not feedback.
Trolls, not debate.
Things that drag you down.
That snide comment, that mocking reference to your achievements or to your shortcomings. Those jokes that are cracked at your humor. Anything that puts you on the back foot. Of course as a man you ought to fend those off and get back with a louder wise-crack. But, do you want to invest your energy or time or intention in that?

Not me. Life's short and there are things to be done. And now that I am on the wrong side of 30s, every minute is at a premium.

So, if this means that I need to choose my battles. And if this means I need to get away from things that I dont appreciate, I will. If this means leaving all friends behind because they cant understand where I come from, they will have to wait on the sidelines. If you are the woman I love and you dont respect time, I am out. I will run on my clock and if you can keep up, good for us. In case you cant, well, there are so many great men! If you are my family and all you care about is what would others say of my decisions, please stay with them. If you work FOR me, WITH me or I work FOR you, please know, work takes priority over everything!

I know I am being a dick about things. But thats ok. Its about time I took control of my life and it starts today. I sincerely hope that people important to me can keep up.

In fact I am told that when people die, one of the top 5 regrets is that they wished they kept in touch with their friends. I think thats bull. I'd rather die alone than die a pauper because I spent all the time in doing things that made my friends "value" me. More on this later. I have a letter (#SoG51) to write :)

Thats' it.
Over and out.

PS: Of course at some level I am responsible for this. I revel in self-deprecating humor and texts (this blog is a testimony). But all of it changes now.

PPS: While I am on detox, I will have help from my "assistant", who will help me order books, change my meals (I am this subscription service that sends meals at home) and all that.

Untitled (and The Wheel of Life)

Hello, world!
Where've you been?
Well, life's been up and down last few days.
I got a new workplace.
I have started to learn new things.
I am discovering re-discovering meaning of friendship and relationships.
I am little more aware of my limits as an individual.
I am still as dreamy as I were when I was 16. For context, am 36. PS late 30s without money sucks. Please do whatever you can to make all the money while you are in your 20s. Must write a thing for people in 20s to not waste the best part of their lives on chasing frivolous things. And make them pick skills that computers cant do! 

Ok, lemme use this Wheel of Life thing that I found on the Internet, to talk about things.
It looks like...

Health
I've tried to get into Ketosis at least 5 times in last one month. But I have failed. In fact as I write this, I am at a McDonalds and I have had half a KG of vegetable oil. And deep fried potatoes. Well!

I did start jogging and meditation but that lasted exactly one day. I plan to start from tomorrow. Lets see how that goes.

But I am reasonably sharp and alert and active. I'd thus give myself a 5 on 10.


Wealth
I am doing ok. I have enough in the bank to fulfill all my commitments for a year. I would have wanted this to be at 24 months. But thats where we are.

Money is an object that allows me to do things that I want to do. Nothing more, nothing less. Right now the amount of money I have, I can do whatever I want to but there is that nagging thing at the back of my head for sure when I spend. In fact, I am running in the Eco Mode. I wrote about it in 2012 and 2013. Will write about it in today's letter. What letter? See below. 

I'd give myself a 3 on 10.


Relationships (and family) 
I am probably at the bottom of the ocean, with a rock of the size of the Mr. Everest tied to my legs with a chain made of Titanium.

After all these years I think whatever little emotions I had left (and had buried deep in my heart) for sgMS, they're gone. I dont know if its a good thing or bad. Its a thing. Like they teach you in mindfulness, I am just aware of it as a thing. No emotions attached to it.

Most friends are increasingly busier with their respective lives and things that are important to them. And I know I dont feature in any of those things. Not because they dont. But because I'd rather be writing or reading or dreaming.

Other relationships, well lesser said the better.

Also, recently, someone I know decided to call it quits and depart from the world. 
He was a colleague for almost 4 years and even after I quit the company we worked at, we decided to stay in touch. And we continued to help each other out. To me, he was one of those "magicians" that could get things done, come what may. 

I will never know why he decided to do this. He was strong, confident and had things figured out. 

I still dont know how to cope up with death. I like to ignore it and bury myself in meaningless hedonism. I try to make my life into a blur and pile on things. So as to not think about them. 

I'd give myself a 3 on 10.

Writing 
Of course I have been writing. I think the month gone by has been amongst the most productive when it comes to writing. As I write this, I have written 28K words (and I have written EACH day for last 25 odd days). And I have edited a few blogposts for friends, I have written things that I havent pushed in public domain and more.

Most of what I've written is in public domain (just that its not on this blog). I sent a email out EVERY DAY to people who have subscribed (this is what I talked about when I talked about Eco Mode above). They are archived here and should you want to get those in your email, send me your email address. I am @saurabh on twitter.

In those emails I talk about one thing that I learnt in the day. And how you could apply to your lives. And often when I dont learn a new thing, I talk about things where I need help. I sincerely think I add value to readers. Lemme know if you want in.

PS: I am substituting hobbies for writing. I would love to read, play the Uke, play pool, learn swimming and all that but I cant seem to find time after all the work and writing. May be once I get into a routine. But writing is fun. Its my catharsis. 

I'd say I am at least a 7 on 10 on this.


Work
A lot has changed at work. There are new challenges and new opportunities. That's all I'd talk about.

There is a lot of excitement (when do I not have this?) and if things pan out the way I planned those, I would get lot better on the work front. Finger's crossed.

I'd say, I am a 5 here.

Thing is, I have decided that the work I do HAS to inspire others, make an impact and of course make me rich. My ability to inspire and make an impact is constrained because of the limited influence that my company has. Once we are able to scale, I think this will sort itself out. 

Personal Space
On a personal front, I think I am challenged enough. However I am still not making the kind of impact that I would want to make. And that is not happening because I dont have a podium to talk from.

But I am reasonably sure of things and the path I am on. So, I'd give myself a 5.


Contribution.
I think I am making a difference to the lives of people around me. I try to make them better, I nudge them (even if I am rude), I invite them to challenge themselves and chase a higher calling, a higher purpose.

I'd give myself a 6 on 10.


To end this, 
So, once I do this little exercise, I came up with this edited version of the wheel.

As on Nov 2018

The idea is that over time this wheel must have more area confined in the lines than outside.
And of course all will not be stable all the time. Things will change. But idea is to work on all these aspects as I chase that elusive dream of the perfect life!

That's about it for the day. What does your wheel look like?

And finally, no, I havent disappeared. I am still around. Still writing. Just that life hasnt been kind lately and I hope to get out of this better, stronger and richer! 2018 has been among the worst years of my life. I will write about it toward the fag end of December.

Do let me know if you would want to subscribe to my daily emails.

PS: Do I sound like a whiner? Or do I sound like a dude who's got no one to share things with and thus is trying to use this blog as his audience? 

5K on 5th Dec

In the morning today I promised someone what I will write 5000 words today. Its 8:50 PM and I havent written a single word. So I have a few hours to go and 5000 words to crank out. And where else to start from but here. And what else to talk about but shit that's floating inside my head.

P.S.: I started writing this on the 5th. Today it's the 6th and since I was in office, it took me multiple passes to give shape to the post. The focus is on getting as many words of inane text out as possible. Lets see how many I get in. Also, I love this idea of sprints. This allows me to not worry about quality and all I am doing is pushing words out on paper. Perfect if you ask me. 

Lemme dump everything that I have on my mind. May be I'll feel lighter.

1. Year End

The year is ending and I am the kinds to actually take a stock of how the year went. I love making lists and then try to achieve the tasks on those lists. While I live with the lists throughout the year, I get really active around this time. I set lofty targets for the year and then I make plans for achieving those targets. So far, in none of the years that I've made lists in, I've achieved my targets - may be I dont have what it takes to do things. Or may be I love stretch targets. Irrespective. I love this list and yearly goal setting.

This year is ending soon and if luck would have it, I will get a couple of days off to plan for the life ahead. And even if I dont get time, I am happy to report that I have already started thinking about things. While I have a little clarity about things that I want to focus on, I need to figure out a lot of peripherals. I know that 2018 will be all about health. And not money for a change. I have chased money all my life and I am yet to get rich. So may be I'd focus on health and how that pans out.

Apart from health, the second most important thing will be writing (why? See 5). And then I will worry about work. This will be a marked difference from how I've operated in life. Lets see how that goes. 

2. The ever-expanding plate

I am involved in a million projects and anyone who's like that is bound to miss deadlines. On not just yearly goals but on other short-term goals as well.

For context, on last count, I am working on 48 major projects. These range from plans of taking over the world to public art to opening a college to teach events management to stationary and what not. And while I am a great beginner, I start things, I am very average finisher.

Plus I am now beginning to see the sense in the maxim that you can only do so many things with your life. I need to know that I am not limitless. Which sucks but such is life!

Or maybe, I need to discard this feeling of being inadequate and get back to being what gives me the most amount of happiness - day dreaming and cooking up a million things at the same time. Who says I ought to stop at 48? Why can't I have 96 projects there?

You dig what am saying? 

3. Fit/Fatness

Yesterday Day before it rained really hard in Mumbai and I got drenched. And as a result, the only pair of denims I had got wet. And I had this really important meeting today yesterday and thus I had to buy a new pair.

I went to the mall and went to each shop that the mall had. And in those scores of stores and hundreds of pairs of pants, denims, nothing seemed to fit!! I am unhealthy as fuck! I have become so fat lately. What do you mean lately? I have been fat since I can remember! 

And then I have this goal of climbing to the very top of the Everest. Can you imagine a fat man on top of Everest? I will stick out as, what Charles said, a cockroach on a wedding cake.

Apart from just being an impediment to my goals, it makes me look ugly. I mean I am not the one to have been blessed with stellar looks, the fat makes it uglier. I know, body shaming. But the point is that if I can, I must. It will probably motivate me enough to do something about my life. In fact as I write this, I am already having a green tea. In regular course, I would've had a coffee. Or a coke. But green tea. I hate the taste and it makes me pukish. But I am told that the pukish bit is because of all the toxins in my body. Once they are out, I wont be pukish anymore.

I am digressing. The point is I need to get fit. And fit like Jason. If I get fit like him, I am sure my bald head (with the new found physique) will make me like a darker version of him. That would be something. No?

4. Work

Work is in an interesting phase. There is enough and there is not enough. Enough that I am busy. Not enough that I dont make enough money. Enough money is the kind of money that allows me to get a car for myself, allow me to spend without thinking about bank balance, help me invest in bright people that may need help and finally, take care of my people. 

And I cant seem to fix it. Despite my brains and all that. And despite some super amazing friends that have done everything they could. And despite all the hard work. I mean the only way I know to success is through hard work. Increasingly, its about connections and all that.

I dont know what would it take to do so. In case you wish to offer assistance, you know my email address.

In fact as I talk of work, in the last few days, I actually got an offer to work for someone I really admire. But I could not make myself leave people who've backed me up when I needed them. Rationality says that I need to move on and all that. But I am not rational. More on this if I come out ahead. I dont want to sound like a sore loser.

5. Book2 

I heard this text by Allan Watts and I realised that what I really really want to do if money were not an object, is to write. Now I know that my writing is not good enough to help me get by but I know that I really want to write. I do not know how did I get #tnks out of the door. I was lucky I guess. Or my head was not this cluttered with all the shit on the huge plate (see 2). Whatever it was. Its been 3 years that I have been meaning to work on #book2 and despite repeated reminds and kicks on the backside. I havent done shit on it.

I have threatened myself, promised friends, even sgMS that if I did not write the book by the end of the year, I will stop chasing the idea of writing the book. And yet I havent done anything about it. I think I make too many promises and thus the promises lose significance.

Now on, I probably need to reduce these promises and live upto the deadlines. Which is in direct contrast to my personality. I love challenges. And if you want to bring the best in me out, dont tell me about the reward I stand to get but make it sound like a challenge. Throw me one please.

And may be I need a muse, like I said a few days ago.

P.S.: While I was trying to look up the link, I realised that all that I have covered here is like a summary of things that I have posted already. Theek hai. As long as I get some words on paper.


6. To give up or not
This one is tad philosophical. Post my MBA, even though I have held full-time jobs, I havent been able to make it big. Either in terms of impact or money or reputation or doing enough to inspire others. I wont be wrong if I say that have been struggling.

I increasingly feel that life is like a race where I am sort of getting left behind by everyone else around me. And even strangers. Its like am running in the slow motion, on a treadmill. And they are in the fast lane with rocket propulsion jets under their bums. And to a fly on the wall, I look like a stagnant shit while everyone is just whizzing past.

I know this is a stupid feeling to have but I have been having thoughts to reconsider this entire entrepreneurship thing.

I look at people who are like me and have done well, they are either super smart (which I am not sure if I am), super handsome (I am definitely not), super connected (I have zero connections that work - see next point). Or a combination thereof. They are confident, clear and have a large problem to work on. I on the other hand have a run of the mill business that I am trying to approach differently.

Everywhere I look, people are doing things that make me take note and go "oh faaak". And here I am. Wielding my fury dismay on a keypad. Trying to reach the goal of 5000 words for the day.

Thing is, I have been "struggling" since 2014. And unlike the struggle by other artists where they need one hit to take them to the next level, my struggle doesn't add up. For example, if you are a film-maker, you spend a month learning the skill and then you spend 10 years honing the craft. And then one fine day, you make a film that makes everyone's jaws drop. When that happens, all the struggle of the previous 10 years, one fine day and one month seems like a journey. A journey towards creating that masterpiece that gives you the platform to do whatever. Including an option to never work on your craft again and just become an armchair activist. You know what I am saying? An Anurag Kashyap doesnt have to make any movies anymore. After Wasseypur or Dev D or any of his masterpieces, he could choose to become a mere producer and give talks and all that. Its a different thing that he continues to work. I am sure we can find umpteen examples of one-hit wonders who knew they dont want to work hard again after they've found success.

In my case where I am a capitalist, my success does not depend on that one flash in the pan moment of brilliance. For me, I need to come up with hit after hit after hit. Like Elon. Steve. etc. There has to be a string of successes that I have to establish if I have to make those billion dollars. And the impact.

Oh, I define success as a point mile-stone in your career life where you stop the hustle and whatever you've done so far gets you more opportunities. Example, if you are Elon Musk, after you sold Paypal, a lot of opportunities would come your way. Because you have set a precedence in the market by doing Paypal. You attract opportunities. Right now, I am Joe Nobody. Even if I am the right parter for something, people will not want to talk to me or get me on board.


7. People
Last few days have been rough in the sense that people that I always thought I could rely on have been acting weird. To the extent that I am not sure if I want to continue to help others. And these are people that have been like family. These people and I go back years. Almost a decade in one case.

I have stood like a rock. For things big or small. And when I need them, for whast I think is a small favour, I get a curt response. Now I understand that they may be busy and all that. And I also understand what Gita says about this - karma kar, fal ki chinta mat kar. But, you know, I am human. A, it sucks that I am in a spot that I cant get out of myself. B, I am actually seeking help. And C, the person you thought could help you is not interested in even giving you a proper response.

A better way to visualise A, B and C is to think that you were riding down a steep slope and you realise that the breaks have filed. And once you realise that you cant do shit about it, you prepare to jump and tell yourself that the jump will probably break a few bones but it'll not let you die. But when you actually take the plunge, you are hit mid-air but an oncoming freight train. That you never saw or considered. Makes sense?


8. The point of this blog
Honestly, no one reads this. Apart from VG. I mean even I dont read this blog. So why do I take the effort to write in the first place? All this is so stupid and meaningless. I mean it could be meaningful if tomorrow I chose to run for a public office and someone actually goes through all 1500 or so posts to dig dirt on me. Apart from that I dont see an application. Because, a Vanita says, we are all but specks of dust in this one big coincidence.

Maybe its the only place where I can pour my heart out and have a non-judgmental audience? Or may be it is that when I write, I get this clarity that I can never get while I am thinking. Or may be I just love the feeling of writing on this blog - you know, like I am doing this for the sake of doing this?

Like Sheldon (Cooper) says, "we'd never know."


9. Memory loss
Last few days I have noticed that I cant seem to recall things. I have always been the kinds to be able to not use a notepad and remember conversations, things, quirks, birthdays etc etc. At a point in time, I could use a memory place and remember a deck of cards. Now I cant even remember the 6-digit OTP pins that we get as SMS. Hell, I dont even know passwords to half things I know. I just go reset the accounts when I have to use a machine that does not have my data saved.

Note to hackers - yes my data is all inline and my password is ridiculously easy to guess. Want to take a shot?

Coming back. I need to do something about memory loss. The worse part is, whoever I talk to, they dismiss this as a shenanigan of a man who's growing old. They dont see the pain I go through when I am reminded that I was part of the conversation and I have forgotten. Reminds me of this piece by Robin Williams' wife on his last days. Funny that I am reminded of something when I talk about my memory loss. Do read that piece. Its really poignant.

To me, memory and recollection is not just one bodily function. To me, its a matter of pride that I dont forget things easily. I may not have an eidetic memory but people do call me an Elephant! And it sucks to be not able to remember things.

I am assuming that this is temporary and I will be back to being the amazing brain I was a few months ago. I have started using a few mobile apps to "train" the memory muscle. If its a muscle and actually helps to exercise it. These apps are making me do mundane tasks that simulate the brain for sure. I feel engaged and challenged. Its been a couple of days only and I am yet to see results but I remain hopeful.

Oh, in case this exercise does not work out, VG, please take to someone who can help. A doctor perhaps?


10. The music on loop
While I write this, I am at a Starbucks and I am listening to this song on loop. Why did I put this here? I dont know. Thats a lifehack, in case you are interested. Listening to the same familiar song over and over again, on loop, helps you focus. Trust me. Read about it.


11. Focus. 
I love multitasking to the extent that I have 23 tabs open in 3 windows. Yes I counted them. And since I starting writing this I have exchanged messages with friends, done a long phone call (who's hustling to become a comedian), had a tea and played Bubble Breaker (you must try - its an amazing game).

In the second pass while I was writing this, I have a Watsapp window open and I am talking to people on that. And what am I talking about? How to lose weight! I am telling you, I am super with making plans. ;P


12. The way I write
I am the kinds to write and not edit. I want to get things right in the first time I write em. So, as I write, I am constantly looking at grammar and spellings and links and other such things. However, this post, I am making a list of things that I want to cover. And then writing notes on each. The idea is that I want to cover a lot and optimise the way I write.

After I made a list and tried to fill in, the following happened.
- After I made a list, I had a goal. To fill in those bullet points. That helped me stay on course.
- It became easy to write in short bursts. I could write for one bullet point and then digress to a conversation on watsapp
- More words happens. Simply because I have a lot to talk about each bullet point and when I am focussed on that one bullet, I can write everything about that bullet.
- The fact that the list was incomplete gave me an itch. And I had to scratch it. That helped.
- When I got stuck with a bullet, I could move onto the next one. So I wrote more. Now I can of course edit it out and all that but to me the path to quality is paved with quantity.

So yeah, this experiment has sort of worked. I hope I can use this for #book2.


13. And this is the last. #aPicADay on Instagram.
On Instagram, I have reached Day 9 10 of the #aPicADay pact that I made with Anusha. Today is Day 10. I will post something before mid-night. Lets see. Follow me on http://instagram.com/altsaurabh. Tell me which of the 10 is your favorite.


***

And with this, its a wrap. Thanks for indulging!
SG

Mumbai, Dec 2017


P.S.: Stats for nerds.
As on typing this line, time is 9:44 PM. Word count is: 1215.
As on typing this line, time is 10:16 PM. Word count is: 2306. Breaking to walk back home.
After I finished writing the post, date is 6th Dec. Word count is: 3354 or so.

P.P.S.: Whoever is reading this, if you care, please do tell me (in comments or on email / whatsapp) if this post sounds cribby and all that. I am trying to be someone who doesnt crib. Thanks! 

Untitled. Nov 2017

There is no context. There is nothing that I want to talk about. All I want to do, is to write.

Thing is, its been some time (last I wrote, it was Oct 9) that I've written. On this blog. Or elsewhere. Not that I am Gulzar Saab or something that words flow moment I fire up my laptop. You know, writing is such a big part of me that I cant survive without it.

Last few days have been messed up -- lots happening on personal front, work front, ambition front and all other fronts that you can imagine. And because it was messed up, things that keep me going (like writing and music and people and travel) did not get any attention. With this, I am trying to get back on track.

To be honest, I am not sure what to talk about. I can talk about what has wrecked havoc in my life but that could get too personal to talk on a public forum. I can talk about issues at work but who wants to listen to a grown up man rant about office politics and his failure to lead a business? I can talk about how I started with personal coaching (I now have a coach - three cheers to that) and the first lesson that I took from that. If you are curious, the lesson is that I need to stop pimping my poverty. More on this some other day. Moving on, I can talk about Suits and the fact that Harvey and Mike are yet another duo in line with my previous post. I can talk about my experience from last few sessions at EMDI.

Or I can talk about relationship gyaan that I was giving to a friend yesterday? Yeah that sounds cool. I know I am not qualified per se (I am not the most successful at love and I dont really have any deep, meaningful relationships with either friends or family) but I think talking about it, writing about it will help me get clarity. After all thats how I stumble on my best ideas - by holding conversations and by writing about em. Here's it!

So, I told her, there are three kinds of love.

A. Love at first sight kind of love.
You meet a girl. You love the way she talks, you love her brains, you love her looks, you love the way she dresses, you love her confidence. Or a combination there of. You fall for her. And if you are lucky, she'll love you back.

Most popular media paddles this kind of love. Often you are opposites. You are the prince charming and you fall for the goofiest girl in the school. You are a cop and you fall in love with a gangster. You are a famous actress and you fancy a simpleton. Etc etc.

And then, you guys slug it out. You set in for the grind over the rest of your lives (assuming that love lasts a lifetime). You see brains get sharper, beauty fade away, personality change and all that. And you either adapt to it, grow with it. Or you get disappointed. Either way, the thing that you got together changes.

I know I am biased. Stay with me. Please. I will come back.

B. The rational love.
You make a list of things that you want your partner to have. Certain intelligence, certain level of bank balance. Certain level of maturity. Some level of beauty. Etc etc. And once you have a checklist, you look for people that, say, tick off at least 8 of those 10 things. You make a shortlist of those people. And then you tell all of them that.

Whoever accepts the proposal (either they love your sense of organisation or they love your looks or something), you start communicating with them and tell your reasons to try and "create" love. And then the two of you work hard to make things work. You work like hell. Put in real hard work.

Keywords are rationality, checklists, communication and hard work. You reduce a thing like love to a business problem. I know its boring and all the mush and serendipity and unpredictability and excitement and all those things go missing once you do this. This love is unlike any love that you have seen in films or books or other things. But then think for a minute about all those people who create those things that have given you the very idea of love. They didn't just "fall" in love and whiled away their lives. They created a piece that inspired you. That piece required work. It was creation. Not revelry.

Again, let me park this here. I will come back to this. Promise.

C. The blind love.
For some irrational reason, you fall so hard for a person that you are willing to ignore all the shortcomings that the other person has.

If you are lucky, the recipient of your love will give you some shreds back but thats about it. You cant expect that love to fulfil you. I dont even know if that qualifies as love. I actually dont believe in this kind of love. But I know this one exists. I have friends who swear by their partners and lovers despite their obvious issues.

You want it, choose at peril.

***

So, now that I have defined the three kinds, I think you need to pick the kind of love you want to subscribe to.

For me, someone who believes in rationality and wants some bit of magic, I think the best thing to happen would be Type A. But then I am not the kinds to be able to attract the opposite gender. Plus I dont have such a large circle of friends that I create opportunities to bump into a magical woman. I also know that I dont hang out too often at cool places to create happy accidents. So I will have to "settle" for Type B.

Now, dont get me wrong about the settling down. It is not inferior. In fact its the purest form of companionship. Its something that you have worked hard on. Its something that you cant blame external factors on. If it works out, you get to take the credit. If it fails, you gotta blame yourself. There is just you that is responsible for it.

Such love makes you better. Such love helps you grow. Both of you works hard and help each other along the way.

Lemme connect to the higher purpose of life (and to those two threads that I have left hanging). We are not here to paddle paper or sell sugared water. Our purpose here is to create. And inspire others in the process. What if you get the love of your life to help you create more? What if your love pushes you to do more, do better? The love helps you grow. And with each shred of growth, the bond gets stronger. With each new day you actually create things that are meaningful. And how did you do that? With love! Love becomes that catalyst, the magic potion. Your unfair advantage!

Makes sense now?

What do you think? Whats your take on love? Tell me about it!

P.S.: For people like who have limited talent, limited brains, the only key to success is putting in the hours. Long and strenuous. I am told hard work eats talent for breakfast. I am yet to see it happen. But I am willing to give it a shot. So, even for matters of heart, I think hard work is better than serendipity any day.

Untitled - 16 Aug 2017

Yo! Been some days since I've written here. More than 2 weeks if I am not wrong.

If you care, lifes been ok. There is still no money but theres been some work. And there's been some travel and some meetings and some getting things done. All in all, a mixed bag. The kinds that I think I like. Just that I need to get some more on the money bit.

Coming to an update (I dont even know why I do this -- there's no one reading these. May be I do these for giving my updates to myself? Who knows. Who cares. I love writing. Here it is.)

A
This time for the first time in life, I probably missed the Independence Day. The cynic in me is fucked in the head because of all that is happening around me (read communal tension, ups and downs in the economy, policies of Modi Ji, general confusion about where the country is headed).

If I were the kinds to get radicalised (if I havent been radicalised already), I'd be a prime candidate! I mean look at my character profile (blame the author in me for this). I have very little education, I am confused, I am an under-achiever, I hold strong opinions, I feel helpless (I dont know what to do to fix things; I dont even understand the problem) and I dont see a way out. You know what I am saying?

P.S.: The way out is to get out of the country. While I have always wanted to live in the Silicon Valley, this is the first time I am actually serious about it. A couple of friends are moving to Canada next year and from what they tell me, its not a bad place to be at!

And no, views are not of my employer. My employer will not endorse these. This is me. Personal. Individual.

B
The other thing that is happening soon is that I will be 35. At the age of 35, I was supposed to be a dollar billionaire. I am not even a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of that!

I have realised that I am not as cool as I thought I were - the good ones actually do well for themselves, the mediocre ones like me crib. I mean at my age, Zuckerberg is launching his bid to be the president of the United States and here I am crying about money. At my age Steve Jobs had done the cycle of getting fired from Apple, creating Next and becoming the CEO at Apple all over again. At 35... there is a long long list. For the time being, I know that I am poor. And I dont know where I want to be in life.

C
This piece caught my eye yesterday. See the following video.



The way those 5 people have been thanked for times than God, I want to be thanked as well. The purpose of my life, the reason why I exist, is to enable others to reach the peak of their chosen paths.

I wrote this on LinkedIn. Read if you are interested.

This also beings me to a debate that I had with a classmate from MDI. He said he is not in the race to go down the history. And rather, he wants to live it up here. He wants to experience as many things as he can, while he is here. He wants to enjoy life with his family. He wants to contribute to society and die a content man. Let me call him a Warren Buffett disciple. I on the other hand want to go the Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Elon Musk way. I am not sure if I want to enjoy life per se. Id rather push our collective understanding and enjoy that process, rather than going to national parks or something. While the friend made a very compelling argument in favour of going the WEB, in my head, I am still keen on being the Steve Jobs and Bill Gates and Elon Musk. I want to push the human race forward. Make that dent. Give our species a chance when shit happens. You know what am saying?

D
I am gonna be taking a break for a week in September. I want to go to a place that is cold, has good Internet connectivity on mobile phones (if in India) or cheap access (if abroad). I want a good writing table and a chair. A place where I can go for long walks. Access to clean water (lots of it) and cleaner restrooms. Budget is NOT a problem.

Where can I go? Recommendations anyone?

E
Book 2. So I've told myself that if I cant get the first draft of #book2 out by end of September, I will quit on the project. That means the next couple of months would be super hustle - there is a lot of work, C4E needs attention, other ideas needs attention, health needs attention and of course book2 needs attention. Lets see which bit of attention do I give into.

Thats about it. Do write in. Tell me how are things with you. Till I find time to write again, adios.

Untitled - 16 July 2017

So I am at a Starbucks. Here since 720ish. On a Sunday morning. Was looking forward to this time - so that I may focus on things and get things done. I cant seem to get anything done at office. May be I need a closed space to do things?

Digressing. Coming back. 

The point of this post is that I cant seem to focus for some reason. I had a mile long todo list and I am determined to do those. But the brain aint no functioning. Nothing has changed. I managed that 2-3 hour of sleep (blame on my nasal polyp) and I am as fresh as I could be. I took a long cold shower and listened to some great music while I made my way here. And yet once I found a comfortable place to seat, I cant seem to focus! The flow is missing.

I may argue that the todo list would have chores that I want to avoid. I have noticed a pattern with that. I tend to procrastinate on things that I dont want to work on. Things that I think that dont deserve my time, I keep delaying those. Till they become so urgent, so last minute that I swallow the poison and get over with it.

Digressing. Coming back. 

One of the things that I had planned to work on is the next book. I want to work on it. I want it out. I am committed to it. I know the basic plot as well. I have characters mapped clearly in my head. I have a final deadline in my head - if I cant get the book ready by then, I will drop writing altogether - rather focus on other things. And yet for some reason I could not do it. 

Then I tried to while time on twitter and youtube. I could not concentrate on that either. While its binging and there's very low friction to it, I could not. 

Finally I had to resort to this. Blog. Free-writing. Without a context or agenda. Vomit of my thoughts on a public platform. To what end? I dont know. I could rather be working on C4E, AWSl, xT, Book2, onWriting or any of those one thousand ideas that I have floating around! 

If only I could focus :(

Untitled - 21 May 2017

I started writing this yesterday day before but could not get around to publishing it. Here's the complete text, as I wrote yesterday day before.

So I have written two days on the trot. If I can publish this, it would mark the third day. And yay for that. The thing however is, I dont have a thing to write about.

All of two lines. But the point is, as I get increasingly busy (I should be going increasingly non-busy), I am trying to get back to writing. Writing is what gives me peace, gets me in the flow, allows me to dream (I think I have said it earlier, I think best when I am talking to someone. Or when I am writing). Writing is my meditation - they say that you get more grey matter as you meditate. I am sure writing makes my brain dense. It makes me sharper. Makes me better. And thats' what I chase with all the fervor!

Also, there is this pattern. Unlike other times when I've written, this time, I dont have an agenda. Or a thing. I am writing for the sake of writing. Which is a good thing and a bad thing. Good, it feels good to have shipped something - even if its not up to the mark. Remember Anton Ego? Bad because you sort of get attached to the notion of delivering and you lose sight of the larger objective. And what is the larger objective, if I may? I dont know :)

Anyhow, this is the fourth para in this text and 3 of those 4 have started with an A. Why is this line important? I dont know. I just want to get a 1000 coherent words on paper. This is as coherent as it gets! Like most things, this is a clear case of one thing leading to another and taking me to undefined territory.

Oh, by the way, yesterday, I did something that I had never done before. I got in front of the camera. To start a new project with Mihir. More about it in a few days. I was surprisingly non-shy in front of the camera - though the way I looked could do some improvements. It was better that what we had expected. Hope to continue doing it.

That reminds me, I have another project that I started some time back and have done nothing to push it ahead. Thing is there is just too much happening. I need to take control of my life or I would be like a freight train rushing down a mountain! I spoke about it the other day.

Apart from this, I havent done much on things in last few months. My worry is that while I am managing day to day things, I am missing the bus. This FOMO is making me jittery like nothing else and I dont know how to escape from it!

Ok, before I spiral into a pitiful, self-flagellating rant, I am gonna stop and go get some shit done. Over and out.

Untitled - 26 Feb 2017

This week (and most the month) passed away in a blur. I was away (do see some of the pics I put up on Instagram) with super limited access to Internet. And unlike other times when I did not have Internet, I did not do any soul searching. I was merely living in the moment, seeping in the scenery and all that.

So the week after I came back from the travel, all of it was spent in recuperating from the laziness that had engulfed me over the previous three weeks. Its hard to get back to the groove but slowly, I am getting back. Thank God for that. There is so much to think about, capture, say, write. This is first in the edition.

So, a few lessons, observations and reflections from the trip are:

1. You are not irreplaceable. At work or at home. Or at friends. Or with anything else. Life goes on. The ego about you being the immortal and all that is so superficial that its not funny. Apart from work, all those pet projects that you want to nurture and grow, no one gives two hoots about them. You think you are adding value to people's lives and they must care? Nope! You are wrong. Nothing adds any value to anyone. And if it does, they dont care. Life is too busy and they'd rather do more things with their time than pause and reflect. Not everyone thinks about larger issues that surround them. May be everyone does. Well, am rambling.

2. Kids can be great! While I was in Mel, I met this Indian family and the young one, a 6-year old girl, was so innocent and so endearing that for those few days, I actually wanted a kid of my own.

P.S.: Now that I am back, I dont think I want a kid. I am happy with once-in-a-while meetups with Myra. And if I get more craving, there is N.

3. It sucks to be a dark-skinned man in a white-country. You may claim that beauty is deeper than skin and your mind is more beautiful than the body and all that. Bullshit. The fact of the matter is, the way you look makes a HUGE difference. You get judged moment you walk in. And why not? We are evolved animals and we have survived all this while by merely relying on the mental models we've created. If we know that we would be safe in the company of people that look like us, we go out and seek the company of similar people. And if you are brown, apart from the billion and half of us that predominantly live in the Indian subcontinent, you will be "them" for the rest of the 5 odd billion people. I dont know if we can fix this but there has to be a way for me to not get bogged down by things!

4. Poker is a tough game. Played at two casinos and both times I was card-dead. Well thats not an excuse. The likes of Negreanu are card-dead all the time and still do well. If they can, I ought to. But I dont. Thing is, I have been playing it pretty regularly (at a point I was playing it once a week, now I get to play once in three months) since 2012 and these three sessions at at the casinos has made me realise that I suck so bad at it. In all I've lost about 75K, not including travel, accommodation, hours and all that. I thought I was good but clearly I am not. I do think that I have what it takes to do well but I am not sure if I have the time to practise. The ones who do well, the ones I know who do well, they get in a lot of hours on the table. More on this some other day.

5. Loved the professionalism and the respect for time in people there. If someone told me that they would meet me at 2, they met me at 2. Irrespective if it was raining, middle of the day, bad weather, they had a bad day, it was their birthday or whatever. People respect time like nobodies business. Here in India, well. Time is like that thing that we want to be strict about but are not. I wish I could live in a society where time gets such precedence as it gets down under. Of course all things are not rosy there but then time has to be THE most important thing that we have and if we cant respect it, what else is there to life?

Apart from time, the other great thing was that people do it with all their heart. If they are working on something, they are in it. They are not slacking. They are not cutting corners. They are not sweeping under the rug. They are doing it as if its going to be the last thing they'd ever do. Something that we have to learn here in India.

So yeah, thats about it for the time being. Over the next few days I hope to write more. Even though there is travel planned but I am going to not let that affect how I live my life. I am pretty lucky that way.

Over n out.

Untitled. Rant. Crib.

Alert: Read at your own peril.

I am going to rant. And rant hard. For I dont know what else to do. I think I am feeling weltschmerz (is that the correct usage? Or is it "suffering from"? I dont even know and you know who taught me about the word? Uday freakin Chopra! And read this article while you are at it). Or may be I am senile - after all I am old enough. I could be frustrated out of my wits. I could be a sore loser. I could be whoever. I have to speak my mind. I dont have a mountain where I could climb atop and scream my lungs out. I wish I had one. Or even an echo chamber. Nah. Or am empty room on the top of a high-rise. Nada.

But, I do have this blog. So here I am.

Rant. In no order.

People who cant work
At work, I try and juggle multiple balls and as a result I meet a lot of people. Most are ok - they do what is expected from them. Some are great at what they do. And some, they just suck. They suck at how they work. May be they are not capable. May be they are capable but are lazy. May be they dont see the big picture. May be there is no pride in being who they are. May be they are amazing and I suck. May be the two of us cant work together. The fault is in the damned stars. So, if the stars are not aligned, may be I need to find a way to steer away from them. Especially as I gear up for 2017.

I know I am being judgmental. I know I am not great at a lot of things I do. But then I try hard, I push myself. I show the intent of working. I try and I fail. But I do not give bloody excuses. Need to make things happen. Need to ship. No more slacking. No more working with people who are lazy. Not any more.

Egos bigger than the freaking Shivaji statue! 
Again at work, I meet people who [in their heads] are larger than life and love to play the blame game. They pass on the buck like those footballers dribble towards a goal. But unlike getting to a goalpost, the shit just gets pushed around in the middle with no end in sight.

What I need is people who ship (like Steve kept saying all his life). People who take ownership and are not scared of taking action. I want to err on the side of action. I am ok losing money, reputation but I want to move forward. Not get stalled.

Traffic in Mumbai
[This is where I rant on non-work things. Phew.]

Traffic in Mumbai has been written about almost everyone - including those who haven't even been here. To be honest, it was actually bearable for a large part. Lately, for some reason, you cant reach from point A to B without getting jacked. I suspect this is because of the construction of Metro. I could be wrong though. Irrespective, I need to find a solution. I cant be stuck in traffic as life passes by me. I mean I am 34. I am mediocre. And yet arrogant. I am poor and yet my head is up my ass so high that I cant see shit. I need to... [look how I started talking of traffic and I am talking about myself. If this is not signs of a disease, what is this?]

Coming back. I need to find a solution to the traffic problem. My work (and hustle) requires me to be on the go all the time and meet people. So traffic is inevitable. I just need to find a way to be able to manage all this and yet grow.

Pool
I recently picked up the cue after ages. I was never a great player but I've always enjoyed being on the table. In fact I love everything competitive. I like when there are goals and I can practise towards them. [This is way different from how I was earlier - where I would want to be left alone and I would want to do things at my pace. Now, I want a measurable targets and the ability and freedom to choose how I work on those]

So, last couple of weeks, I have played almost every day for 30 minutes. Thats a lot of practise for a recreational player. Enough to do well at the table. But I am stuck. I cant seem to hit a straight shot. I dont know how to bank. I've never been able to pull a ball back after you hit a shot. And I am someone who loves the game. WTF is this!

And while I am at it, my other forms of recreation - poker, drives and writing - have seemed to dried up in last few months. I need to get back to em somehow.

Health
Last few days I have some close shaves. There are bruises, cuts, inflammations, pain and dont know what all.

So yeah. The rant. I think I need a break. From the world. From work. From friends. From family. From damned myself. I need to be away and go without a computer. Or a phone. I just want need to go somewhere cold, sleep for hours under a blanket, chase simple pleasures of life - walking, small-talk, tea, coffee etc. And the way things are stacked, I am at least a year away from that.  I actually may get to go away for 4 days between the 5th and 9th of Jan. Yay! 

But then 2016 has been a great year for me. I need to may be let this momentarily lapse in confidence go past me. Thing is, the holiday season could not cheer me up. And the other things that make me happy - travel, money, time, sgMS, I am not getting any of those. So, I dont know what to do and how to be happy. Someone said it perfectly on twitter: "My aalloo parantha is half burnt and thus I cant wait for 2016 to get over." Well, I don't have no aaloo parantha but I cant wait to start 2017.

Over n out.

P.S.: This is the 50th post of the year. Well done, considering how busy I was. #in2017, I promise to write about 100 posts. I know it sucks to focus on quantity but then I am not a wonder kid and I need to do a lot of work to be able to get one tiny thing that is out of the world. Wish me luck.

P.P.S.: Now that I have written this, I think the reason for the gloom is that a lot of small things have piled up, have been piling up for some time and they just came crashing onto me at the same time.

P.P.P.S.: As I write this, iTunes played Neil Young. Now I know what feeling the blues is. Universe, as SRK said, conspires!

The Fanboy Misunderstanding and other things

The Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, J Jayalalita, passed away last night (or may be it was early morning - either way, I dont care). She was unwell for some time and good that her suffering has ended. I did not know much about her and I dont know if I want to know about her. Politics interest me but I am far from making it my profession and hence. Anyway, the point is not her death. The point is that I fail to understand what makes the common man get so fanatical about the fandom for a political / public figure that he's crying out loud and is ok to get down to rampage. I saw the same first hand when Balasaheb passed away. I heard of similar stories when Rama 9 went away. People were on fasts and all that when Amitabh Bachchan was injured while shooting for Coolie. I mean what makes people go that fanatic?

Me on the other hand, the guy that I have been the biggest fan of, Steve Jobs, when I heard he had died, I was sad. I actually had tears. But after a bit, I was ok. I did not want to destroy things. I took inspiration from his life and I decided to do more with mine. I was sad but then I was not that vocal about things. May be its me. May be I am broken. Whatever it is. I will not understand what makes people do things they do. May be I would never know.

Moving on. Next thing on my mind is reading. I spent a large part of the day reading and I loved it. Not a book but articles, news and other such things. I realised how much I loved reading. I had forgotten how it was to read. I have to start reading again. I am going to get hold of books and read them while commuting, while waiting and so on and so forth.

While staying on the topic, I need to start writing again. Everyday.

Thing is, I have to take back the control of my life. I can not be a slave to work. If I have to cut down on work, I will. So the things that I need to pick up are reading, writing, connecting with people, learning new hobbies, teaching and traveling.

Phew! Thats it for the time being.

P.S.: Not the best of "blog-post" but there is something out and that counts more than anything else. Onward and upward.