The tiny shift and a giant revolution

Human history is dotted with numerous incidents that felt like tiny, insignificant nudges at the time but fast forward a few years and these tiny nudges were found to be the tipping points of revolutions that shifted the way us humans move around. 

One such tiny nudge happened a couple of days ago when I got myself a sub-15K, Android Phone.

Now, this sounds like a tiny thing. Even trivial. After all, more than 89% of the country has these sub-15K phones and they seem to be getting by fine. I am definitely not special and thus this big deal that I am making out of a cheap phone is not called for. 

But maybe it is! 

Lemme try and explain. 

Few facts first.

A. I am a heavy user of mobile devices. So much so that I spend about 12 hours a day on a phone. At least since 2013, the device and OS of choice has been Apple (and iOS), barring a few days when I did not have one available. 

B. I am the greatest creature of habit I know. That means that I am used to working in a certain manner and with shortcuts that are now so ingrained in my muscle memory that to change those would be like attempting to climb Mt. Everest. Well... 

C. I have prioritized things that make my life simpler over things that make my life fancier. This means I don't have a lot of clothes but whatever I have are from brands that I know offer comfort, durability, and yet are affordable to me. 

This affordable bit is important to explain. I can't afford a Jimmy Choo. But I can afford a Crocs, a Cotton World. A Fabindia. I know these may be premium and expensive for a lot of people. But to me, these are affordable. Just like Jimmy could be affordable to a lot of people. 

And these are affordable because I do not spend on other things that add fanciness to life and most others find important. Things like multiple pairs of shoes, hundreds of dresses for various occasions, those knick-knacks that we try and gather around when we travel. So on and so forth.

So, to me, an Apple device is like that. May be it sells at a premium for a lot of people. I make it affordable for me. And I save for it. I know that it would help me work better, and would last longer. And will not cause frustration by going slow on me! 

D. I am irrational. I like to overpay for things. And especially for those that I know are made with thoughtfulness and offer quality and have been made with love. Just like Apple devices. Or Crocs. Or Nike. Even Kurutoga. Air Vistara. Starbucks. 

So now, here's the explanation about the new Android device that I got. 

IMHO, in buying this device, I have had to compromise on the ethos that I stand for. Yeah, I am one of those weirdos that like to consume brands that are in sync with personal ethos. I don't know a lot but I do try to be conscious about brands that I consume. I try to read about them. I try and understand where they stand on things like innovation, originality, design etc. I like to see what goes behind building and delivering what they do. You know, if they have a soul and not just a facade. 

Apple fits into my ethos. But a hardware manufacturer that makes cheap phones, hoping to imitate the brilliance of Apple, is not. Android is ok, except that I am not sure how to make it work for me - way too complicated and too much. If I were 18, I would probably love Android. But at my age, I prefer simplicity and speed and all that. 

And why did I get this device if its a problem? 

I have a one-word answer. Majboori. What majboori? Well, ask my echoChamber.

What's next?

Of course get back to a iOS as soon as I can! 

Inshallah, soon. 

The House Hunt Decision

This is that time of the year. NO! Not that time when there is this festive cheer in the air and everyone is happy and smiling and cheerful and in the celebration frame of mind. But the time when I go through the annual ritual of looking for a house that's good enough in my opinion and affordable enough in my pocket's opinion and unobtrusive in my friends' opinion and accessible enough in Mumbai traffic's opinion. 

You would've guessed that the combination is as rare a find as life's purposes are. 

And you would've guessed that the over-optimistic me would do whatever it takes to look for a place. Just that this time, the amount of money I want to shell out is like one-third of what I would normally do. And thus I am crunched on the decision.

And lemme vomit my thoughts on how I am thinking about this. You know, am trying to make a decision in public (without giving you the specifics).  

So here are some questions that I ask myself before I start looking for a house. 

I believe if I have to save time or money, I must do whatever it takes to save time. Money I can earn. Time I cant. And thus, I ought to choose an option that gives me more time. This often means living close to the city center. This also means that living close to public transport nodes (even though I may not use those a lot) 

Second, I believe that you need to live as close to the ecosystem as you can. If not bang in the middle. This allows you to create serendipity. You can meet newer people and it is meeting with people that opens doors. 

Assuming you want to live in India, here are some places where you could live... 

1. You want to do a startup? Live in Bangalore, at Koramangala, or at Whitefield. Or BTM. 
2. You want to make films? Live in Andheri West. Or Malad. 
3. Want to be a politician? Delhi. 
4. Want to be an Athlete? Depending on your sport, pick a hub. 
5. Want to be happy? Live next to your family, even if they are in a village! 

Before it pops in your head, no, I don't think that this entire remote work and work from home would make these hotspots redundant. Maybe SoCal would change. But most of the hotspots would not change. In fact, with time, newer hotspots may emerge, if at all the old one shift. If I had enough foresight to figure out the next hotspots, I would move there.

Third. It is very very important for me to feel good when I come back home. Or if I am holed up in my home for extended periods of time. Now, for most people, this is taken care of if they live with their families - after all, its people that make a house home. For someone like me who is not capable of keeping relationships beyond a few nano-seconds, I need to rely on other things that make me feel good when I come back! 

These three withstanding, I made a list of other things that are important to me in a house. Here's a list. 

• Large space, open layout (less clutter, less furniture), higher floor (so that I may stare at the world)
• New-ish building (so that I don't have to worry about pests, leaky faucets, etc), less than 10-years of vintage, 
• A balcony (I love sitting out)
• Access to a Starbucks (really - this is very important)
• Connectivity (I love meeting people and I need to be able to commute easily)
• Neighbors that are not nitpicky. 

I kid you not, I have an excel sheet with all these variables listed on it. And all these variables have a weight allocated (depending on the importance of that variable to me. For example, a new building has the highest weight and neighbors have the lowest). And each time I make a decision, I play with the numbers to arrive at the decision.  

Of course, I could have made enough money that I did not have to care about the rent and would have maxed all the variables. Like SRK, I would have had a Starbucks in the very building I lived in! But then, life's like that. You cant get everything you want and you need to juggle around to find the combination that works for you. 

So, coming to the challenge at hand, the new house that I need to move into, in less than 10 days, I am trying to, well, juggle around things till I find a match that works for me. That means I have explored options in Andheri, Thane, Kandivali (and beyond), Madh Island. I am yet to explore places like Chembur and Kanjurmarg and all. 

I am yet to finalize on any but the two that seem to make the cut are, 1, a smallish one-bedroom house in Andheri and 2, a little bigger than a smallish one-bedroom house in Thane. 

The one in Andheri is 2X the price and about half the size of the one in Thane. And while I am tempted to take up the place in Thane (thanks to COVID and general fuckery of how I run my life, it would be a stretch to afford the place in Andheri) and pay less and get more space, I am not sure if I want to. It is VERY far from any place that I want to be at. Place. Not people. 

Place - I want to live near the city center and amp up my odds of serendipity. If Thane was a hub for any of the disciplines I am interested in (films, startups, marketing), Hiranandani Estate would have been ideal. But I am not sure what I'd get access to there apart from the world's best Rajma Chawal that a friend makes (she lives in Thane). Unrelated but she's lived in places like Malad and Kandivali over the years and I have traveled to those places to stuff myself with her Rajma Chawal. 

People - I don't know if this is good or bad, there is no one person that I want to live close to. Neither is there a thing that I want to live close to. Most other people want to live close to their friends, offices, families, etc - I don't have any such connections, may be except Myra.  

So, while the amount of money I want to pay may dictate where I end up, it would be very very unfortunate if I can not close on a place in Andheri. Or may be in Bandra. Or Goa for that matter (which I was VERY strongly considering, till I realized that there is no work for a generalist like me there - a topic from another post on another day). 

For the time being, it's over and out. Wish me luck :) 

P2P Lending Policy

Ha! This is as formal and official as I can get with a blog title...

You know how life works right?
You want things - you look at the money you have, if you find yourself short, you ask around for help. No, not banks. You go and ask for it from friends, family, fools et al.

I am no different.
I have often asked friends, families, fools and strangers for loans for work. And they've been kind enough to offer the loan and extend an infinite payback period - so that's cool.

Plus, I've been on the giving side as well.
However, most of them were not for work! 
I am digressing. I will come back to this.

So, when I take a loan, I track it on a document, get obsessed about it and can not get good sleep unless I've returned it. As we speak, I have to pay back 3 lakhs (a working capital loan that I took from a friend). Apart from this, I have some sundry payables to vendors and suppliers - these are not really loans but are regular transactions that I need for business, which is ok. Apart from these two categories, I have no debt (no EMIs etc).

I am digressing again. Coming to the point of this post. 

Like I said, most times when people ask me for money, it is not for business. It is for personal spends - someone wants to get married, someone wants to fix their car, someone wants to buy an appliance, someone wants to even buy a damn house. You know, personal spends. 

Of course, these are wants (not needs) and I can debate for hours to dissuade them from taking a loan to get access to these luxuries. You know, "we buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like”? That! I wish I could tell everyone this. But then, who I am to control how they live their life? 

But then these are friends and acquaintances and all that and thus I feel obligated to help! Leave the obligation on the side. I really want to help. That's the point of why I am alive! You know, my raison d'etre. To help. Enable. A billion people.

Digressing again. Coming back. 

So, for some reason, most of the loans that I give out to people (and these are friends and family), they don't come back. And it has reached this epidemic proportion that I must have given a mini-fortune away and there is no return in sight. And of course, it gets embarrassing to ask for that money after a point. And then I start avoiding meeting these friends. You know what am saying?

And more than the suffering I induce on myself from a financial loss, I feel sad. For I hate to see people around me struggle to manage their wants.

And I feel bad. To have been let down. Let down that people that I care for could not keep their promises.

And I feel bad to have lost trust and faith on the ones that did not return. Of course, these are micro-loans (3K, 10K, 50K et al) and I can live with the loss. I anyway realised long ago that money is merely an object and not the most important thing. Time is. 

And the worst part? It has made more difficult for subsequent "want-ers" to borrow money from me. Once bitten twice shy. Plus, because I want to help others and all that, I feel bad (and sad and even miserable) every time someone asks for money and I have to say no.

Well, to be honest, most times I don't have free cash flow. And the other times when I do have the cash flow, I can no longer bring myself to face disappointment again! 

But... but... it's changing now. 

Thanks to my Mastermind group. 

In the group, one of the ideas that we discussed was to create a small fund, call it a do-good kitty, and give money out from that fund and that fund only. If it's empty, you don't give the money. If it's full, you dole it out. And every time you give loan to someone, you tell them that they are being given money from this kitty and in case they don't return it by the promised date, they are affecting your ability to help others in need. And every time someone returns the money, you add it to back to the fund and it stays at great levels. Every time the loan is not returned, the kitty depletes. And depending on your life stage, you add to the kitty (say you get a bonus). 

That's it! 

Simple idea.

But counterintuitive to how I would operate. This is one of many tangible changes in my behaviour - thanks to time spent at the Mastermind group. Thanks, guys! You MUST get one! 

So, going forward, if you are going to ask for a loan from me, please do note the following.

1. I do NOT give loan to strangers. So, if we don't know each other, please do NOT embarrass me by asking for a loan. 
2. If you know me, please read this blog post (if you've reached this far, you have read!) Yay! 
3. If I am able to give you a loan, please know that this is coming out from the small kitty that I have reserved for giving loans out. The Do-Good-Fund. 
4. If I do give you a loan, please know that I would want to know a date by which you'd return it. There is no interest, of course. Do not embarrass me by offering to pay the interest. 
5. If you are NOT sure of repaying (you don't have the intention or you are not sure of your ability to repay), please tell me beforehand. It will not affect my decision or judgement. But it will save both of us heartburn. At least I will be mentally prepared. 
6. If you promise to repay and you do not, please note that you are affecting my ability to help others. And to me, that ability is MORE important than anything else in life! So, please help me! Please help me help more people. 
7. Oh and while you are at it, do read https://seths.blog/2019/05/selling-insurance-to-your-sister/

That's about it! Good luck to all of us! May all of us live long and prosper! 

Saurabh Garg

17 May 2019

PS: Been working on this draft for well over a week. Since I came back from the break, words haven't been flowing and I can't seem to concentrate on work at all. With this post, I hope to break the jinx. 

By Mar 31, 2020...

Sometime in 2018, I read a story about Jim Carrey (the actor) where he wrote himself a 10 million dollar cheque and gave himself 3 years to get to it. He then kept that in his wallet and every night, night after night, he would drive up to a fancy neighbourhood and visualise that he lived there. And yes, you guessed it, lo and behold, he did reach the 10 mil mark before that time expired! 

See him talk about it on the Oprah show here.

Of course, I take these things literally. And I believe in these. And thus, I wrote on an index card that by the end of the financial year 2018-19, I will be a dollar millionaire. And I kept that in my wallet. Here. See...

Also on Instagram here.

And before you jump out of your seats, no, I am not a dollar millionaire. 

Today, the FY1819 has officially ended and I am worth a few thousand. Rupees, not dollars. Thousands, not lakhs, not millions. 

It's a sort of anti-climax. I was supposed to be rich and affluent and wealthy and impactful and valuable and an enabler and all that. And here I am. Whining about how I did not make my mil. 

But then, like I know, this too shall pass. The feeling of being the biggest loser shall pass. 

And thanks to some insane music, it has passed already. As I write this, I am listening to Robaroo. Here. Go trip. When you're done, listen to this. Meethi Boliyan. Among the most heart-warming pieces of art. 

And thanks to this, I have a new ambition. 

A new goal. 

That of 5 mil. By end of FY 2019-20. 

Yet again, I am gonna keep it in my wallet. Wish me luck :) 

Sleepless.

The unthinkable happened yesterday.

I got a call from my landlord asking me to pay my rent that was overdue. No, the rent was not overdue because I could not pay. I have the money. But because there is a cash component in the rent that requires me to withdraw cash and send someone over to his office and deposit the same. Haha, cashless economy. And of course, I could not find someone to do that! Thus the snafu.

So the landlord called me and was curt when he spoke to me about it. I don't blame him. If I were him, I would do the same. I would probably be rude as well. He wasn't. Thank God for that.

This call is not the point. Neither is the fact that I am late.

The point is, I haven't been able to sleep since then. Because I am rattled that I owe some money to someone and I haven't paid them on time. Fuck these middle-class values that are so deeply ingrained in me.

I am so rattled that its 2 AM and despite the long, tiring day I had, I am unable to sleep. I had to get up and get this out of my head. I can't seem to stop thinking about the call from my landlord! And no, I am not exaggerating! I just couldn't sleep! And not that I am getting thrown out of my place anytime soon, the landlord is very kind. But this is unsettling af. To a point that I had to get up and dump my thoughts on the blog! Darn.

Thing is, all my life I have lived debt-free. The last big loan I took was for my MBA at MDI. And that was in 2006. Since then, the only money that I've ever owed to anyone has been either credit cards (which are great to give you some liquidity for a few days) or business loans (I still owe some a lot of money to a lot of people I've borrowed from, for work). In either case (cards, business loans), I understand my obligations. I know that there is an impending deadline and I know that I will pay the money back. Was the same with rent. But I know I missed the deadline. And that has set in motion a chain of events that I am not sure how to fix!

Fuck I have lost lakhs and lakhs on business ideas that I thought could work, people that I thought were sincere, cancelled hotel bookings, expensive gadgets that I don't need and even on friends that I thought would pay me back when they could. And more. And yet, I've slept like a baby. I have not given money a second thought ever. Even when I had close to zero in my bank, I did not bother. I knew something would work out. It always does. Not this time.

You know, time and again I am reminded that my relationship with money is warped and I need to fix it. For multiple reasons.

• A, I don't understand money. At all. I thought that it was a mere tool to conduct exchange. But clearly, it is a lot more. 
• B, I want a lot of it but I don't know where to go get it. 
• C, I know its not important (it is important but not worth obsessing over. Its just a tool) and yet a lot of my mindspace is occupied with it. 
• D, I wont know what to do with it, if I had all the money in the world! 
• E, I don't even know the utility of money apart from buying comforts. I mean money to me means freedom - to do things as per your whims. And to say no to things that you would not want to do! What else is it? 
• F, The kind of life I live (and plan to live), I am not sure if I would ever want to buy a house. And if I am not buying, and renting is the only option, how will I ever live with peace? Pay all the rent in advance? 

Of course, I am privileged to have access to enough money to live a fairly decent lifestyle, so what if it is in Ghatkopar - it is still a modern high-rise. I sincerely don't know what would I do if I had to live like most other Indians do. I'd probably give up :(. The thought itself is scary. 

To a point that I have this renewed commitment to do whatever it takes (saam, daam, dand, bhed and more) to make all the money that I can. So that I don't ever have to get a similar call from anyone. Ever. 

Oh, and one more thing. If I have to be that ruthless dude that can make the dent in the universe, how am I to survive if a simple phone call can rattle me so much?

Any ideas? answers? tips? 

-

Saurabh Garg

3:51 AM, 20 Mar 2019,

Mumbai.

The Daily Grind - 2715 - 250718

So here's the post for the day. I am ODing on coffee and hope.

Coffee.
Since I am no longer on Keto, I am eating, drinking and binging on everything that comes my way. Oh and while I am it, I had some variant of chicken the other day. Thanks to AR. And surprisingly I was ok with it. I need to ramp this up.

Hope.
I was in Delhi and I was here to pitch to a prospective client and kick off things for the next phase of C4E. And what is that next phase? A phase where I go really fast for the next 9 months and try to make it into a fine events agency.

Anyhow. The post for the day. Since I have a million things clouding my head (as I edited this, I realised that all things are related), I will use a slightly different format to talk about things.

Unlike other times, here is a list of things that I will talk about. A table of contents if you will.

• A. The day. 
• B. The fear of flying.
• C. The Promise to Sleep well. 
• D. The lure of a good life. 
• E.  Health.

A. The Day. 
It was a weird day.
In a lot of ways.

First, I missed the flight I was supposed to goto Delhi on. And no, I dont do this often. This is the second time in my life that I have missed a flight. And no, unlike people that get worked up about missing flights, for some reason I was calm. Good job, Mr. Garg. I can attribute this to a lot of things - I dont care much about money; I am not serious about the flight and all that; I have attained nirvana!

Then, I booked myself on the next available flight (which was of course expensive). And again, I dint have an iota of remorse. Am I becoming truly invulnerable? Bulletproof? Lol! Read yesterday's post, Mr. Garg! 


B. The fear of flying.
I never thought I'll say this but I am.

Lemme give context. Since I took my first flight, I've been fascinated with the idea of flying. In fact airports are among my favorite places (no, not all transit places are favorite. Airports are). As I write this, I am at an airport. In fact some of the best ideas come to me when I am at the airports. Or in the planes. Or on the pot.

So, I obviously love the idea of flying.

Also, to the middle-class Indian like me, flying is a symbol of achievement (other symbols are cars, houses, phones etc). And since I am a little underachiever, to me, these things that validate my status are important. To the extent that I keep a count of all flights I take. For example, this flight that I am going to get on in a couple of hours is the 33rd flight of year. Last year I took 53. So on and so forth.

And while I have been on these flights, I have seen all sorts of things - turbulence, calmness, air pockets, babies screaming in my ears, couples making out, comp upgrades, people using air sickness bags, false landing, air traffic congestion, excess baggage issues, lost baggage and dont know what all.

What I havent seen? The oxygen masks falling from the top (from a couple of friends who've experienced it tell me of horror stories of the time when that happens). And of course a life-threatening experience.

Of the times when I have been in flights with serious turbulence, I have remained calm. As calm as I was in the morning when I missed the flight and paid a fortune to book the next flight.

But... there's always a but... for a change, in the morning today, I was scared. At the slightest turbulence that the otherwise comfortable flight had to go through. And this is the first time I recognised the emotion of fear while in a plane. And I dont know why am I scared. I know that flying commercial is statistically amongst the safest ways to travel. I also "know" that it cant happen to me - you know what I am saying?

So, why am I scared? Am I afraid to die?
Probably yes.
Probably no.

But I know that there is way too much happening in my life to just die like that. You know what I am saying? I have to make a dent in the universe and it cant be that unfair (to me) that I die in a plane crash! There are plans and ideas that need implementing. There are people dependent on me. There are a handful that love me. And most importantly, there are people that I want to help.

What if I am in an "incident"? What happens to all those people and ideas and things?

Ok, cant be thinking of these things before I take a flight. The point is, I get scared when I am in the planes. Need to think more on this on the other side. No. Not the 7th heaven side. But the other side once I have landed and safely tucked in the bed in a cold dark room.


C. Sleep
That brings me to the next thing that I want to talk about. Sleep.

I missed the flight because I could not wake up on time despite putting three alarms. And I could not wake up despite the alarms because I am tired. In my body, head, soul and everywhere. And I am exhausted because I have been working REALLY hard last 2-3 weeks. And I hardly get time to sleep.

Things are taxing (and I know that none of the things I am working on will pan out to give me either the money or the reputation or the future - these things are paying me just about enough to pay my bills. Yes I am struggling). And there is a lot of incompetency around me and thus I am jacked even more.

Ok enough of rant.

Point is that I am not getting enough sleep. And that means I am killing myself fast. And if I need to make a dent, I need to live long. Till at least 120. Side note. As I grow older, I am more aware of my mortality and the fact that life is so useless and meaningless. Dont know what prompted who to create this thing called life. Makes me sick as I think about it.

Ok enough of rant.

So while life is meaningless and all that, while you are here, you ought to do whatever it takes to make sure that you enable others and spread happiness. I dont know what else is the purpose of life. Agreed that I want to make money and all that but I want to make money and all that to be able to inspire and enable others. If I can, anyone can. That. If I can climb the Mt. Everest, any one can. If I can make a billion dollars, anyone can. That.

And to be able to do all this, I need to be effective. And to be effective, I need to be "fresh" and rested and calm and in peak state. There are two ways to do it. Take performance enhancing substances. Or you take enough rest. You sleep well. In fact DS told me today that he wants me to sleep well before I attend a meeting with him. That's a sign enough.

So, I hereby promise that I will NOT compromise on my sleep.
I will sleep for 6 hours (not 8 - I am ok with 6).
And post that I will assume that my day has just 18 hours.
And I will wake up at 430.
Even if I have to sleep at 10 PM.
No more late night calls, dinners etc.
No more coffee (except when I am on Keto and that too limited to one or two).
No more things that interrupt my sleep.
Here's a joke... if Akshay Kumar can, I can ;P

Of course there will be exceptions - when I am travelling, when I am on a break (#sidenote: must write about breaks - how I [plan to] take one weekend off every month, one week every quarter and 3 weeks every 6 months) etc.

But I will NOT compromise on my sleep.

Oh, if you know me, you would know that I encourage that 24x7 on-the-job, work, hustle-hard, chase-purpose, push-yourself lifestyle. I just want to put on record that I do NOT encourage not sleeping. All I mean is that all the frivolous things we do - partying, gossip, killing time on SM - those things have to stop!


D. The good life. 
Today, I realised yet again that I love a good life more than anything else. I define a good life as

• a life of abundance where you have enough to feed you and your loved ones. AND have enough to live in comfort and not worry about material things. You know, Maslow? 
• a life where you are making impact in the community that you live in. Where you inspire others. Enable others. Give them a shoulder.
• a life where you affect change (rather than a mere victim of things controlled by others).
• a life where where n the sense that when I have the money and I can afford things without worrying about it, life looks great. 
• and much more. 

Side note. Must write about what a good life is. And then write a note to self about reaching there. And get all my people to write about a life that they ought to live. And more. 

Am I there today? No.
Do I want to be there? Hell yeah!
How do I plan to do it? I have no clue!
What happens now? If you are reading this, HELP me!


E. Health.
I wanted to write about health as well. But I am not sure if I have the time (or the inclination) to do so. This post must be a 1500 words if not more. I know words flow when I rant on the blog, but I too have a limit! I will thus park health for some other day.

Just one note. I bought a pair of shorts today. 34". And the pair is loose. I am legit 32" now. Next goal? 30. Will talk about how I do this in the next post.

Till then, over and out.

PS: I will send this post to people I want to help me succeed in life. If you get this and do read this, please support me. And not diss me or troll me. And in case I dont send this, it doesnt mean that I dont care for you. It merely means that you are already by my side :) 

Thanks! 

M. Money.

Post 2 in series of 30 posts in April. Each about a thing that I am grateful / happy about. Today I will talk about Money! Others in the series are W. 

M. Money.

If you are a regular reader of what I write, you would have noticed that I talk crib a lot about money, poverty, unfairness of life, purpose, reason etc.

Truth be told, I am doing fairly ok for myself. In the sense that I have enough and more to live a upper-middle class lifestyle. I live in a decent house (rented of course). I have the latest iPhone available in the market. I buy the best brands. I eat good quality food. I travel to international destinations often. And so on and so forth. I have enough money in the bank to last me another 6 months if I stop working today.

And I am so thankful and grateful for that. Really am.

Of course a lot of things had to come together to make this happen. I had to get a good hand at the Ovarian Lottery to end up with my parents. They had to have the insight to send my sis and I to good schools. And pay for expensive education. I had to be lucky to get an admit at MDI. I had to have the keeda for learning. And I had to have a certain mention proficiency to be able to absorb things. You see a chain of things that had to work well?

What am I, if not lucky?

So, like I said, I am doing ok. A thing like money has no end to it. I do have enough if my aspirations were limited. If I were a simpleton, I could've retired on what I have!

But. The damn but.

But that's the problem as well. I do not have simple aspirations. They are tall. About 8848m tall. And more. I want to do large things. And to do large things, you need large ideas. Or access to large capital.

I don't have any big ideas to be honest. I am a mere aggregation of other giants that I have had the opportunity to stand on the shoulders of. So if I have to make those inroads and make this world a better place, I need to have access to large amounts of capital. Now I was not born a Baron. So I need to do things that can make me that kind of wealth.

And that can NOT happen with the ideas I have. Or my talent. Or the amount of money I have. And neither it can happen with the potential I have. So I need to work hard, slog and get access to more. And that's what keeps me up at night. The question is not "if". But "when". More on my dreams and ideas and aspirations some other day. Today its about being thankful for what I have.

Over n out.

Writing Off!

Alert. This is a ranty post. Why am I writing this? Because I dont know what else to do about this. I want HAVE to talk about this to someone and get the load off my head. Ideally, talk with a life partner or a business partner. I dont have either. I mean I do have business partners but none of them have any place for emotions in their heads. I also have a few friends and mentors that can lend a patient ear but I am not sure if they understand the battle I go though on a daily basis. Neither do I know if they understand what I am upto in life. I could vent out on the Facebook and twitter but I am not sure what purpose will that serve in all the cacophony around. For that matter, I am not sure what purpose will this blog serve. Once I publish, I will probably forget. But thats the point I guess. To vent out and move on. Here goes. 

So, this stint of working for myself, I started in the Feb of 2015. As I write this, I complete three years of being on my own. And its been one helluva ride. There have been one or two ups and a lot of downs. Its definitely been a great learning experience. Truth be told, I am not really doing that great (compared to how Id be doing if I were working for someone else) but as I think back, I dont think theres anything else that I would have done. There are no regrets, if I may.

However, if I had an option to go back, I would undo a lot of things. Things like never working for someone without taking an advance.

And thats what the rant is about. Stay with me.

In the last three years I must have worked on 20 large projects and about 10 clients (both big and small). And out of those there are 3 clients and 3 large projects that I did NOT get paid for. And I am talking about serious money. About 11 lakhs. In sunk cost and opportunity cost. It may not look like a lot of money to you guys, but to me, its big. Big as in B I G.

The point of this post is to tell myself that I ought to write those off. And write an open letter of sorts to people who get work done and do not pay.

So, here I am. Officially and finally, writing the payment off. I dont really want to name the companies (or the people). Neither do I want to talk about the circumstances which lead to me not getting paid. But there is this thing that I do want to put forth.

Thing is, I am someone who doesnt really have an easily monetizable skill. I am NOT a designer, coder, photographer, fashion blogger, singer, drummer, rich heiress, son of businessman, baker, chef, make-up artiste or anything like that. These people are blessed in the sense that they can make a living whenever they choose and wherever they choose.

Neither am I a career professional who's spent years in a certain industry (or a discipline) with large companies and thus has a CV that can get a super cushy job. Most of my friends from MDI fall in this category.

What I am is a hustler. What is a hustler? You dont know? Stop reading right now. Close the browser. Leave.

People like me, the hustlers, are often the Jacks of all trades. We are aggregators have no marketable skill and often have to fake what we do. We rely on services of others, often working with make-shift teams and arrangements, trying to deliver a great product (or a service) that makes the customer choose us over other more "established" businesses. If I may use a better word, people like me have to hustle and hustle hard to make the ends meet.

And why? For ofcourse the independence. And to make ends meet while hoping that things we do, work on, they add up. Add up bit is important. What do I mean by adding up? That someday all the work we've done, all that we've been through gives us enough name, clout, attention, contacts, relationships, ideas that we can go make that dent in the universe.

So yeah. As long as you get work that adds up, work that continues to pay you and keep the engine going, all is well.

Till the time a client fucks up on the money that is promised to you.

After all, every rupee earned is a tiny step towards that dent. And every rupee lost is a roadblock. When a client decides to not pay, for whatever reasons, they put a roadblock on the path to my progress. In fact I'd say I am dragged back 10 steps - after all, to take up a project I had to let go of other opportunities. No? The other opportunities could mean working on a different project. Could mean that that book I've always wanted to write will have to take the back seat. Why? To earn bread!

In fact, by not paying you dont just put a dent in an individuals meticulous plan for life. But you are an impediment to the whole notion of Karma itself. When you dont pay, you stop, you pull back people like me from realizing their life goals.

You know, the most important commodity is time. And when I invest time... Wait. I dont "invest" time. I "exchange" my time with a client's money. And in this implicit contract, once I have done my part of the deal, I expect and its probably fair for them to hold up their part. And pay up.

But often, they dont. And when that happen that sucks. You are way too small to fight and argue and you'd rather move on. Its just sad.

What makes it worse is that people like me do not belong to the entitled class. We are not big corporations for sure. Neither do we have bankers or VCs on our side to look out for what we work on. More often than not, its an individual like me, trying to hustle hard. To do things, add up and make that dent in the universe.

The simple act of momentarily selfishness by a client stops the wheel of life. And thats not a cool thing to do. No?

So, dear big companies, rich men and other such people, next time you get someone like me to do something, please PLEASE PLEASE pay up! For you its probably loose change. But for someone like me, it could be a shot at a better life.

Thank you!

P.S.: Here's a pledge. I WILL always pay once I have agreed on a number. Even if you take me for a ride, you dont deliver, you do shoddy work, you dont meet expectations, I am willing to understand and give you that extra chance. After all if people like me will not pay it forward, who will? 

The Urban Nomads

So, yesterday day before few days ago at a cruise ship in HCMC, we were doing an event for the Indian offices for a UK based company. And one of the acts was a Filipino band that had two singers, one of them a Cuban.

Picture this. Retro English pop. In Vietnam. Arranged by a French woman who works for a company owned by an American. Artists from Cuba and Philippines. For guests from India and UK.

I dont even know how many countries is that. But I do know one thing. The mobility and opportunities that you have if you are an artist and are talented!

Thing is, I think that talent allows you to live wherever you wish to. And that is such a fascinating life to have!!

You know what am saying? You can choose a country you wish to live in. If you are talented enough, you can make enough to pay for your bills, and then some more. You can make friends that are not just accidental. You can chase your craft. You can hone it while you earn your bread by performing. You can see sex and cash in action. You know, you happen to things, rather than things happening to you!

Lemme park the talent bit for a while and drift.

***

There is this thing called the Urban Nomad. Its essentially refers to people that live in urban locales and yet are not tethered to a particular location. These people dont own anything that ties them down to one place (immovable assets, large families, a job that requires you to goto office everyday etc etc). You are free to move across borders and all that. And these people are skilled in one particular discipline that is in demand across borders (painters, photographers etc) and thus they can fend for themselves. Oh, and modern world is introducing lot more professions that allow you to become an urban nomad. Think of those bloggers, language tutors, Yoga instructors, chefs, entertainers and more.

And why am I talking about this? Because I have had this fascination with being an urban nomad and at various times in life I have thought of multiple ways in which I could become one. At different points in time, I have considered becoming a designer, a coder, a photographer, a writer, a yoga instructor, an English language teacher and / or more (assuming I can be all of these).

But then I've, sort of, held back myself for three reasons.

A, I know I am way too good to be cast in just one mould (and at the same time, not that good that I am in top 1%ile of any). This means that its in my karma to be never satisfied. I will run from one thing to another and my life will be defined by "chase" rather than "destination."

B. I've wanted / still want a luxurious life for myself. Ok, not luxurious but abundant life. Where I dont have to think for 5 months (or wait for a stupid cashback scheme) to buy an iPhone X (PS: RG gifted me one and I couldn't say no. Thank you, sir). Where I know I can travel business class without any fear (of poverty) or guilt (of splurging when my parents dont even travel in the plane). Where I know I have provided for enough to discharge my duties as a son and a brother and a friend. Where I know that if I were to take off, people would be happy and will not miss me. There is more. But I am sure you get the drift.

C. I dont want to live as someone who came, saw, enjoyed and left. My epitaph has to mean something. I want to give back. I want to pay it forward. I want to make an impact. And that can not happen if I an urban nomad, drifting from one place to another and one opportunity to another.

So yeah. I have wanted to travel the world and see the sights and soak in the experiences and meet new people and taste the different flavours that the world has to offer and talk to new people and learn all I could and all that. But then I've held back.

***

Coming back. This That evening at the boat where I saw that Cuban lady, the painful memories of the time when I wanted to move out of the country came back rushing to me. To the extent that my heart actually started aching. And ache as in ache. Like I had to sit down and sip on a glass of water.

But then, I realised that am not talented enough to chase nomadic life. Neither am I someone who has what it takes to hold onto a stable job that can pay me well enough to provide for my family. And I am miles away from the impact. So, I cant. And I need to accept it and put this on the list of things that I could not do (other things include play Cricket for India).

Also, I am reminded of this wonderful post by one of the giants that I stand on the shoulders of, Jan Chipchase. He recently wrote about moving to a new place, a new country. He says if you stop learning, you become obsolete and the best way to continue to learn is to move to a place that challenges you and makes you learn. And he says that the hardest part is making the decision.

For me, I think thats where it is. The #lifeGoal.

I want to be a nomad. I want to explore the world. Learn new things and make the fucking dent. But then, how do I...  leave my family behind? run away from my "responsibilities"? do this at this ripe old age of 35? Etc.

Any ideas?

Oh, I believe that I am one of those birds that hates to be caged!

From Shawhank. 

P.S.: One of the ways in which I can do this is by becoming a famous author. That allows me to make an impact (I will have an audience), travel (to talk about my book, on book tours etc) and provide for my responsibilities (royalty etc). But then odds of getting successful as an author as tiny as me hitting a royal flush on my first hand at the WSOP ME (whenever I get to it). 

The Television Conundrum

Context
I live as a "bachelor" in Mumbai.

If you are from Mumbai, you'd get it. If not, its a (often derogatory) term used to define people who are un-married, live without parents in accommodations that are sparsely furnished (no beds, tables - just the bare minimum furniture). Often these bachelors "engage" in wild parties, keep the place unclean and in general, lower the standard of living at the community you live at.

From personal experience, in large part this is true. And in some parts, as far from truth as things could be.

Of course its not unusual to live as a bachelor. Blame it on urban mobility, concentration of jobs in certain pockets etc. What is unusual is that at my age, very few people live like that. Either they get married (India!) or they step up enough in life to start owning assets and make enough money to actually buy designer furniture, state-of-the-art gadgets and other things vain. None of the above two is true for me.

Story
So I've lived like a bachelor for about 10 years now. In cities like Gurgaon, Chennai and Mumbai. And because I've had a fairly limited access to money, I never had the fancy places. And while I have wanted to buy things that could take me out of the perceived bachelorhood, I havent been able to afford those. Plus whatever little I could buy, I did not because my sense of decor is fairly fucked.

And I've always remained light. I mean when I moved last, I had 2 bags of clothes, 1 guitar, 1 writing table and few cartons of books. Unknowingly I was being Steve Jobs ;P

The point is, I did not have any material possessions. And because I was growing old (not up), I saw all these friends, acquaintances around me growing old and up and getting things that I've dreamt of since I was a kid. And of course I am / was jealous and I long /ed for them.

So, when in the last year I made some money I started to splurge on things. I bought a book shelf. I got a shoe stand (to make space for those numerous pairs of shoes that I buy by the dozen and do not wear). And I got a TV!

Day 30 / #100HappyDays. Who says money can't buy happiness? It helped me but this TV - my first "material" possession. And I love it. pic.twitter.com/uDFk46LXW6

— SG (@saurabh) July 14, 2017

The next in queue, after a TV is a car and then, a house. And then, world domination! 

The TV Conundrum
If you ask the brand planner in me about three things that transform a house from a bachelor pad to a home, I'd say it would be a double bed with a proper mattress, a clean and functioning kitchen and a television!

The place that I live at came with a double bed and almost functional kitchen. So all I needed was a TV.  And I have wanted one for a long time. I dont know why. May be to tell myself that I am not too far behind from my peers?

Anyhow, since I got the TV, I have rearranged my entire house to make the TV the focal point. I mean I don't even remember how the hall looked like when we did not have a TV. I mean the houses where they don't have a TV, where do the sofas and other seating structures face? Ask Simpsons ;P

The Reason
So, coming to the REAL reason why I started writing this post. I want to analyze the decision. And then may be bookmark this post, remind me often of the foolishness that I epitomize. Yes, I believe that buying the damned TV was a wrong decision.

When I had the money to be able to buy one and I decided that I want one, I knew of a few things. Here is a list, categorized into positives, negatives and neutral.

Positives

• A TV becomes the focal point of the house and the bachelor pad starts looking like a home. I wanted that (as mentioned above). Call it my mid-life crisis. Or call it the rat race. I wanted one. While this looks like a negative, this to me is a positive. 
• Allows my parents to kill time when they visit me. If they visit me. Thats all they do now that they are retired. Not trying to be derogatory. But thats how it is. And thats ok. Not everyone is on a mission.  

Neutral

• Its a good to have thing. Like a checkbox in that long form! 

Negatives

• Money. My budget was 50K. No, its not a small amount by any stretch of imagination. For 50K I could've bought a holiday and dont know what all. 
• Maintenance. I will have to lug it around when I move houses (I still live at a rented accommodation - and its contingent on whims and fancies of the owner of the house). Plus its an electronic product - it will get damaged and will stop working. It will give me unnecessary heartbreak when that happens. 
• Time sink. With Netflix and others, a TV is such a time sink that its not funny. No wonder its called an Idiot Box. 

Apart from these three, here are few more notes that I dont know where to categorize...  

• It was not an impulse purchase. For some weird reason I wanted a TV for a long time. I actually looked online. I went to the stores. And I sat on the decision for at least a month. And then finally one fine day I got it. 
• Since I've got the TV, after the first few days, I have hardly used it. Key reason being, I dont have cable TV. I rely on Netflix and since I have a bad connection at home, I cant spend time on it. Which is a good thing. 
• A great influencer on the decision was the 15K worth of reward points that I had on one of my credit cards. It made "sense" to buy a 60K TV for 45K. I could see a bargain. I made the classic mistake of looking at potential savings and not at the money I'd have to spend. A great case where points look good to you, but are bad! 
• Ideally, in life I want to be at a place where I dont have to think too much about money and these decisions. But till the time I reach that point, these incidents are interesting milestones, to help sharpen the decision-making acumen. 

Conclusion

As I was making the list, I automatically realised that the list of cons outweigh pros already. I dont have to think too much about it. The decision was a fucked one. I shouldn't have bought the TV. But just to make a list, the mental models at play were Loss Aversion (did not want the points to expire), Validation aka Social Proof (from society about not being a bachelor), Constant chase of excitement (I bought it when I was probably not doing so well in personal / work life - though I have no way to validate this), FOMO (obviously), Envy. These are the ones I can think of. And I am sure there are more at play. What could those be? 

That's about it. You are welcome to see the Smart TV I bought :). And here's to making wiser decisions. What do you think waise? 

The Turbulence Overreaction

I am at the Mumbai airport, waiting for a flight. I’ve just realized that I have lost yet another pair of sunglasses. Typically, I am not this careless but fact remains that I’ve lost a pair. I need to work on my brain and ensure that the muscle doesn’t atrophy. Need to pick a new hobby or something. May be get back to making a memory palace?

Apart from this, the other thing that’s fresh on my head this super crazy turbulence yesterday. The plane was in free fall for a few nano-seconds and it was scary like a bitch. In all the flights that I have taken, this was probably the scariest of them all (there was one where masks had dropped from the ceiling but I dont recall those). Thing is, I was not really afraid (I knew at the back of my head that this shall pass) but I was worried that all the things that I've wanted to do (primarily #book2, a billion dollars and an attempt at the Everest), what happens to those?

Of course I came out unharmed -- statistically air travel is the safest mode of transportation -- and I can go back to working on things that I've wanted to work on. But the flight was scary to the extent that since the flight, I’ve read a lot of articles about turbulence and air pockets.

Apart from rant about my balls that shrunk like raisins, the flight did make me realize something. That life’s unpredictable. You better live each moment up to the fullest potential. And that means while you plan for the future and all that, you better ensure that each moment that you are alive is worth the opportunity. Ought to stop doing things you don’t want to do.

Which brings me to the existential question. Why do I exist? While I love the concept of doing my own thing, truth be told, I am still a slave to a comfortable salary, thanks to largesse of this dude. If not for him, I would probably be scrambling to make ends meet. And I am amongst the luckiest people to have the unconditional patronage of someone with means. And I ought to make the most of it. And not get lazy or complacent. Like this turbulent flight, each incident reinforces the belief that I need to do more with life. Much more than what I am doing right now.

Come to think of it, if I could change a few things, what would those be?

For starters, I need to get more work out. I ned to ship more. In whatever shape or design or format. Could be a blogpost, a book, a project, a startup, a brand. Something that comes out fast. Something that inspires others. More importantly, something that inspires me! Must create things that inspire me. And what could those be? I have no clue!

I have done this exercise a million times, if not more times. Each time I come back with two answers. A, I don’t know what I want in / from life. B, if I go by signs, what I am doing right now, is what I ought to be doing!

So, all I need to do is, bid my time and wait for the right opportunity to come my way. It’s a matter of time when things fall in place and I will have a life of abundance. Abundant time, money and energy to do all the million things I want to do.


The other way to do this is that I go all-in with whatever little I have. That means I gather all my money (sell all the stock I have, liquidate the tiny FD that I have and take back the money I have invested in C4E) and chase a large dream. I will either end up super rich and would have made an impact and die a satisfied old man. Or I will be a pauper with no money to my name and will die a man who’d have to work hard to make ends meet. In either case, when I die, I hopefully wont have any regrets. 

Thing is, I am 34. Will be 35 in less than a quarter of the year. And at the age of 35, while people like Zuck are working towards becoming the presidents and all that, here I am, talking about my existential dread. Now, I can take solace in the fact that Col Sanders was 143 years old when he started KFC and Sam Walton was 832 years old when he did Walmart. But I know that I have lost the damned rat race. Instead of making a difference to the world, lives of people, I am ranting about things that no one even cares about!

I mean, why go far to Facebook and Zuckerberg and all that. I am at the airport and there is this Spa, O2. Right outside, I see a blind man, dressed up in uniform of O2, talking to himself and being happy for no reason. Compared to him, I am a loser at so many levels. Everyone else is a winner! O2, for giving employment to people with alternate skills. The blind man, for accepting that he’s been dealt a raw hand and being happy about things. The friends around the man who are humoring him. And above all, the fact that despite so many people who need opportunities, fate brought him in touch with O2. Can I not do something similar? Where I help people have lost on the Ovarian Lottery and make some money in the process?

And why is money important? It enables you to buy happiness. Case in point? Last weekend along with 15 other people that I care for (yes 15), I went on this holiday where we stayed at a super expensive hotel and had everything taken care of! All of it was enabled by the fact that we had access to money that we were ok spending. Agreed that people find happiness in small things and can live without going to fancy hotels or clean beaches or serviced rooms or great food. I have been on that side myself. But now that I have little extra cash to be able to afford a better lifestyle, I can safely say that the happiness derived from the ability to buy the best the world has to offer, is unparalleled.

Of course to be able to travel, you often have to take a flight.

Aur, udaan hai to turbulence hai.
Turbulence hai to fategi.
Fategi to yaad aaega, ki life main karna kya hai.
Yaad aaega to kuch karoge.
Lekin kya?

A BMW

From my calendar.

Last year, on 26th July, I promised one of my mentors that I will have made enough money to buy a BMW by 26th Jul of 2015.

When I made that promise, I did not really have my eyes on a top end model, but on a simple X1. Which I thought was pretty doable - after all I am full of hope and I know I will do well in the future. Just that this future never comes. I have been full of hope for some 20 years now.

And thus the 26th of July in 2015 came and went and I am farther away from the beemer than I was on this date last year. In fact if I were to monetize all my assets and go to a car shop, I think I'd be able to afford a Tata Nano. May be. May be not. Depends on the shape of stock market. 

And no, I am not proud of it. Instead, it sucks. And sucks like crazy.

Thing is, a BMW is not really important. Its just a placeholder. Placeholder for affluence, success, fame, impact, love, relationships and other things that you use to measure the grandness of life, measure the success, measure the respect that you get from the world around you and all that.

I mean, at my age, you ought to have achieved at least one of the following...
- create an unicorn
- make a ding in the world  
- own a fleet of cars - including a Batmobile.
- earn enough money to retire at an island like the Necker
- use the leftover money to help others (not via NGOs) but via a 'skills imparting business' 
- make a trip to the space
- date a supermodel (Priyanka Chopra, Deepika Padukone, Julia Roberts etc.) 
- win cash the WSOP ME
- exchange vows of life with the love of your life (after you found her of course)
- discover the purpose of your existence and thus the life
- travel the world
- etc... 
and more. 

But I haven't done any of these. I am more than half-way my useful life span and I am miles away from any of these.

The least I could have done was to get myself a car. May be a BMW X1?

Rich SG. Poor SG.

I am rich. At least in my mind.

And in my mind, like all rich people, I love to travel. I love to take afternoon naps. I like spending time in luxury. I don't have to go to an office. I can spend my time in chasing "higher" pursuits. Such as art, craft, thinking and creating new knowledge.

In real life however, I am merely rich in the way I consume technology. In terms of things I know. In terms of my dreams. I am also rich when it comes to the kind of conversations that I can hold (but do they feed you? No?). But I am rich. Filthy rich.

I am rich when it comes to visualizing. Isn't that what texts like Secret, NLP, Rich Dad, Poor Dad etc. say?

Yet..

I am poor. In real life.

I don't know where would the next meal come from. Ok that was exaggeration. You may scratch that please. But I am poor in the sense that I don't have a car, I don't have a house, I don't have fancy clothes, I don't have power, I don't have respect. All those things that Kwan consists of, I don't have any of that. Kwan btw is Love, Respect, Community and Dollars.

I am so poor that I don't know where to go and work out of. Ever since I thought I could work for myself, I have been on the lookout for that perfect place that I could sit out and work out from. Despite my desperate attempts I haven't been able to find something.

Damn this life of poverty and limited means. Damn the world that made the concept of money and damn me that I am unable to do something about my situation.

P.S.: For the context, this rant came out of a combination of a lot of things that have been gnawing over my comfort for last few weeks. These are...

• My decision to not work full time for someone else.
• In the long run, an attempt to create something gives me location and financial independence. This means I can choose what I work on, when I work and how much I am paid for it. It's not easy, as I am discovering now. 
• In the medium run, try and get paid enough to pay the bills for my family and me.
• In the short term, my inability to find a cheap solution to my hunt for a place where I could sit and write / work. I am rich enough to have the quirks of not having a home office. And poor that I can't afford Starbucks and other such places.

The Paycheck Puzzle

Rat Race. Source: Unknown. Found here.

In my entire life, since I started working, I have never had to wait for a paycheck. I have been lucky like that. Not that I had things in abundance but I did have enough to not worry about that one tranche of payment at the end of the month. May be because I got a head start (I do not contribute anything to my home) and I've largely been prudent. 

In fact, I want to claim that everytime I have needed money, I've somehow got it from some unexpected source. No, I don't win lotteries or get estates from old uncles but I do get some unexpected work (freelance). Or some deferred payments comes through or some refunds happen. Somehow, something has happened and I've got money.

But lately I am having issues. First a freelance job that gave me a regular trickle of money every month, I was fired from it. Second I made some unnecessary expenses at the behest of some friends; the expense was totally unjustified and sad part is that I can't get a refund on it and I will have to live with it. Finally, I did not plan things well. I kept delaying things, hoping that they'd fall in place by themselves. They did not and I am thus reeling under the pressure. 

All these, things, have made me a slave to paycheck that is supposed to come at the end of every month. I started a new naukri and it's been a month. Well almost. The paycheck is due and I am waiting for it desperately. It's actually the 5th day of the month already and money is nowhere in sight. However, the overdraft on my credit card is staring in my face. Oh, I am behind on the rent. And I could do with some new clothes. The phone needs to be replaced and the computer that I loaned from sis is almost broken. The list just goes on. I will not bore with details but the matter of fact is, I need money. Side note. I think I also need a year off.

I have no clue how the rest of the world lives their life waiting for a paycheck. Total respect AND pity towards the ones who do. My folks did the same and most people around me do it. And no one seems bothered about it. I have no clue how they do it. The damn rat race is so evident and I am now a part of it. Existential crisis is so not happening. That too, first thing in the morning! 

On an average, during the day, I think that I can change the world. I really mean it. I really think that I can add a lot of "value" to whatever I do. I believe I am gifted like that. I have no shame in saying so. Neither am I proud about it. I just know that I've been given a gift and I am not using it. And I am stuck in this mindless chase to nowhere. If I were any less, I would've accepted things and would have done haalat se samjhauta. But I can't. I know I can do lot more. I don't know when or how though. Any help anyone?

While I finished posting this, I am still refreshing my bank account page every thirty seconds. Hoping for a miracle that somehow some money would land in the account and I would ward off the creditors for a bit, before they are back, next month. And the month after that. While I am still waiting for my paycheck to happen!  

Oh, and just yesterday I met someone who told me that great men like Anurag Kashyap and others had to sleep on the kitchen floor for years. And for every great man who's made it big, there are a million others that die an anonymous death. Can I take hope from their lives? I don't even know what I am rambling. 

More later! 

P.S.: These days I think a lot about money and life and other things. Don't know what's up!

P.P.S.: Things aren't that bad to be honest. Most of my issues are first world problems really. Some other such problems are here. 

One year and a crore

These days I talk a lot about life. Probably because I am at that juncture where I need to figure out the next step. And its going to be a very important step because the next few years are going to be very important.

I have realized that I am not passionate about any one idea and thus I dont think I can start something. I have also realized that I love my freedom so much that I dont want to work for someone else. And I know that I need money. And I am at a stage when I have to have to settle down if I want to die a happy man. So many decisions and so many constraints!

All of it, all these things that I have talked about above look doable and yet are difficult. They look within grasp and yet they are out of reach. And last night I realized that I need a tailwind gain of a crore and a year. That's all it would take to get my life back on track (read [1] below). One crore and one year.

And that's what I really really need right now.

I can't think of a way to make that much money in a year unless I rob a bank or start cooking meth or sell a kidney or commit a fraud or something. There is no legit way to make money. At least I dont think there is. If there is, please point me to it. Really.

Apart from this, I think all is well. I have discovered something that I think I like doing. And I can totally see myself doing it for the rest of my life (writing). Just that I dont know if I am good enough to make a commercial success out of it. I know the woman that I want to marry and settle down with. Just that she cant tolerate even standing next to me. I know the kinda life I want to lead. Just that its kinda long shot as of now. And so on and so forth.

Oh, and my current mood is sad. And I need sad music. The kinds where the hero walks alone through a happy crowd on a well-lit road at night and a saxophone is playing somewhere in the background (read [2] below).

That's it!

Notes

[1] When I say back on track, I mean that I would be back on par with my cohorts, my classmates, an average guy my age etc.

[2] This kinda music.

Perils of Plastic

Ever since I got a Credit Card (which took considerable effort to acquire despite my fancy MBA degree and long illustrious career), my relationship with money has changed.

Let me dive into history. Please indulge me.

There was a time not too long in past when every rupee I spent, I took from my ma. Even though I was gainfully employed, I liked asking her for money. I'd withdraw a chunk of cash and give her and then I'd ask her for money as and when I needed to spend. I loved it. And I think she liked it as well that I asked her for money. After all when I was still a student, she was the one who handed me my pocket money that was so so dear to me. Every rupee that I got from her was precious. It was hard earned and everytime I spent it, I could see the balance with me dwindling. I had to make tons of sacrifices to be able to ensure that the money I got from her lasted me some time before I spread my palms in front of her.

Now, that I am jobless and away from home (home is where ma and pa are, and some day #sgMS would be), I dont really keep a lot of cash handy. There is no incentive to make those trips to the ATM. There is no one to give money to. As a result I rely more and more on plastic money. My credit card. The one that took effort to acquire. Add on top of it the ubiquity and ease of swiping machines, even with courier companies. Everytime I spent more than a 100 bucks, I would use the card. Suddenly from the actual quantum of money going from my pocket, I was now merely swiping a plastic card through a machine and the transaction would happen. Gone was the need to run to ma or ATM. Convenience, I tell you.

And, and, ever since the proliferation of things like flipkart, cleartrip and amazon, I have this new shiny instrument. Online banking. Where I dont even touch plastic or coins or notes. Its amazing. All I do is enter a number and the transaction is done. Its fast, smooth and intuitive. In my sleep I can rattle the card numbers, security keys and passwords. And I can use it for large transactions. And unlike physical currency that went from my pocket or a mechanical swipe of the plastic, everything happens without a physical interface. What else could you ask for in life! The future of payments could be that I walk to a Starbucks counter, point at the coffee I want and just nod at the cash register. Money would automatically deduce from my profile that Starbucks has that is linked to the movement of my retina (indicating a yes for expense) enabled by a NFC between a kiosk at Starbucks and my phone.

Funny how fast this world of payments and transactions is changing!

So, to summarize, from spending money by hand to swiping a piece of plastic to merely disturbing a few electrons, I have changed the way I (and the world around me) spend(s) money.

Money, to me is now largely a number that rests in an account (which is yet another number). I cant see it. I cant touch it. I cant fathom how little or how much do I have. Its a damn number. And like all numbers, without context, it has no meaning. Maths is boring like that.

If I had 10 lakhs in coins, I am assuming it would be like a river of coins that Uncle Scrooge could take a dip in. If I had it in notes, the wad could be a thick like a book. But on a fuzzy webpage, it looks like a number to me. Every time I spend some money, say 10 bucks, since there is no physical contact involved, I dont realize that I've spent it. All I see is the number reducing from 1000000 to 999990. To me, this small reduction in number is not big. And before I know it, all these small reductions make a considerable dent in the stack. All without me realizing it. Without an inflow, the bucket could soon run dry with these small leaks!

The only way out is to go back to the dark ages of cash and budgets. Stop using the numbers and plastic and start handing notes and coins. Even if it means carrying a thick wallet around. At least I would know what I am spending on and I would know where is the money going.

Starting today, I am going to use lot more cash. A smallChange that would help me get frugal (until I become filthy rich).

P.S.: There are apparent advantages of using plastic. I dont have to lug around a lot of cash. I dont have to worry about running out of it and finding ATMs. I earn points that I could redeem to book free tickets to places that I want to visit. I get discounts at places where these credit card companies have tieups at. I get a monthly printed account statement that tells me where all I've spent my money at! And so on and so forth. But, but, I end up spending lot more than I ought to (or want to) spend. I have to control it. Somehow!

Notes to Self

• Read the difference between "which" and "that"
• Restart thinking / working on frugal life

P. Poker Professional.

This is a part of the April A to Z Challenge. My theme is my Bucket List. Read more about the project here. The other things on my bucket list are Ancient Ruins, Book, Coffee Shop, Date a Supermodel, Entrepreneurship, (Be a) Finisher, Give Away my Wealth, Handle a Baby, Inspire, Jack of all trades, Keep my shirt on, Make a lot of money, No and Off the Grid. 

Next is P. P for Play at a professional level. Poker. 

P is pretty simple. So simple that if I had to list just three things for my bucket list, I would have chosen B, M and P. Book, Money and Poker. In that order.

Poker for me is No limit Texas Hold Em.

Professional for me is make enough money with it that I don't need a day job. Professional also means that it becomes my day job. Like Sachin Tendulkar is a professional cricket player, Roger Federer is a professional tennis player, Amitabh Bachchan is a professional actor, Jeffery Archer is a professional writer, I want to be a professional poker player.

Like I said, Its pretty high on my bucket list. Right after book and money.

Stu Ungar - The greatest poker player IMHO

So, my first encounter with Poker happened almost ten years ago when I went on a trek and someone taught me the game there. I dismissed it as too mathematical and complex at that point and moved on. And then I played it off and on when I went to Goa (the only state in India where gambling is legal).

However in last three or four years I started to think more about it. I started to go to home games and played with a lot of friends and strangers. I made some money. I lost more than I made. I read whatever material I could find and I could comprehend very little. But I realized that I loved the feeling of sitting on a table and making decisions that can change fortunes at the drop of a card. True with all forms of gambling. But with poker, it has been proved beyond doubt that its a game of skill (whereas all other forms of gambling are more dependent on chance). And unlike other sports or games, poker requires you to have like a million weapons in your arsenal. You need to know maths, psychology, probability, opponents and so on and so forth. Challenging. Aint it?

When I took the break to work on the book, I had some free time on my hands. I used that time to get regular with poker. I now play once every week. If not that, twice every month for sure. I know its tiny if I am to get serious about poker but its a start. Its my honeymoon period. Life looks rosy on the other side. I just need to do the grind and get there. But, I have started keeping scores and I have started to treat it like a serious sport than a mere form of recreation. Hopefully one of these days, things fall in place and I get the practice going. And then who knows what.

Thing with poker is, if you are good with it, it opens so many doors that are otherwise closed to you. You get to travel. Get to make money. Get to make or lose a fortune in a hand. There is this element of luck. There is risk and there are rewards. There is rush. There is the element of capability. There is psychology. There is science and there is art. There is people-watching. There is trash-talk. There is competition. There is individual confrontations and there are skirmishes. Its something that I can work on and improve. This is a skill that I can develop. Its independent of age (unlike tennis, swimming, cricket). Its an individual sport. There is that element of unknown. The thing that makes it exciting and addictive. Its everything that an adrenaline addict may want in life.

Oh... I can talk about it forever. Its beautiful. Its frustrating. Its liberating. Its exhilarating. It takes time to master. And even when you've mastered it, you can never tame it. Its like that illicit affair that adds spice to your life. Its like that out of control mistress, the temptress that you cant live with or without.

I sincerely wish I knew about the game when I was younger. I knew about it 10 years ago and I should've spotted it back then. I don't know why I did not. Its ok. You get better with it as you age. I may be ready for it. Just need to decide and take a plunge. One of the easier things on the bucket list. Assuming you are good with it. I know I am an average player. And I know that I can get better as I play. The question is, do I have the balls and galls to take it up?

I dont know. Time shall tell. In the meanwhile, lemme go find a game. Do wish me luck with the hole cards. And more importantly with the river. And do try the game. Trust me, nothing like it.

P.S.: If poker excites you even an iota, do read about the glorious life of Stu Ungar. And see this.

M. Make money. A lot of it.

This is a part of the April A to Z Challenge. My theme is my Bucket List. Read more about the project here. The other things on my bucket list are Ancient Ruins, Book, Coffee Shop, Date a Supermodel, Entrepreneurship, (Be a) Finisher, Give Away my Wealth, Handle a Baby, Inspire, Jack of all trades and Keep my shirt on.

Next is M. M for Mint money like its nobody's business. Make money. A lot of it. Make wealth. I have spoken about money and wealth in a previous post (G) and hence I wont talk about em too much.

But one of the things on my bucket list is to get insanely rich. Insanely rich as reach the levels of Bill and Warren.

Forbes Top 3, as on Apr 15, 2014

Its no secret that I want to be successful. So successful that its nobody's business. So, I need an indicator for it. Could money be that indicator?

Money, as an indicator, is tangible, comparable and is easy to comprehend. Everything else, happiness, impact, job creation, satisfaction, learning, fame etc have some degree of intangibility. In fact look at the top three in the list above. 2 of those 3 are my heroes. Not a bad number. And if all goes well, someday I'd end up near the top of that list. Probably in the top three. If I can do that, I would have done a lot of things from my bucket list. A, C, D, E, F, G, I and K. 8 of 11. Again not a bad number. 

Both "not a bad number"s indicate that money may be a worthy proxy for success. And thus, the next thing on my bucket list is, make money. A lot of it. 

Unless someone points at a better alternative. Can you?

While writing this, I realized that words aren't flowing as smooth as they ought to. Writer's block? I dont know! I am planning a four hour writing/editing marathon for #tnks tomorrow morning. Lets see how it goes.