Showing posts with label sgMS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sgMS. Show all posts
Thank You, Charles
I dont know who introduced me to Charles. Must've been Suds - he only talks about such radicals. Whoever it was, heartfelt thanks to that person. Even though I dont understand much of Charles' poetry, I think I can comprehend some of his prose. Actually, leave alone his work, I cant get the spellings of his name right. I have to look up everytime. Buk-wos-ki? Buk-os-ki? Buk-ow-ski?
The point anyhow is that some of things that he said are phenomenal! Like one of his pieces go, "I wasnt much of a petty thief. I wanted the whole world or nothing."
The thing is, this is exactly how I think I operate. Either I want everything, or nothing. In fact, I remember when I was a kid, I was seeing one of Ashutosh Rana's interviews. He said something like, "dil to ada hai zid pe bachche ki tarah, ya to chahiye mujhe sab kuch, ya kuch bhi nahi." I dont even know how old I was at that point in time. But I remember these lines pretty distinctly. May be despite the grey hair bald head I am like a kid, that wants either everything that I can my hands on or I let go of everything.
I dont know if this is healthy in the long run but I know that thats how I am. That is what drives me. I want it all. Or I want nothing. And I am willing to put in effort and hardwork and brains and all that for it. I dont sort of shun away from work but I dont understand why I dont get it all. May be I need to put in more effort?
Exhibit A: sgMS! I have no clue if I have ever wanted anything as bad. No, I am not objectifying her. Yes, I am being selfish. Yes, I love her. Yes, I want to be everything that she wants her man to be and yes I am not even a one percent of her needs or wants. Yet, I want to be around her. Why would I want to be? Because like Rabbi said,
In fact she alleges that my love is the stifling kinds where I dont let her breathe. I put her under the weight of my expectations and she is not at peace. Pretty messed up. No? These one-sided love affairs are pretty sad. It sucks to sort of shuffle between sleep and reality and seeing her nudging her cheeks to me, inviting me to kiss her. Its great till you can see her, smell her and all that and moment you go to touch her, you wake up to a rude shock.
I need a break. I will take a break. I am going to go away for a bit (Delhi for a week between 12 and 23 - if you are around, lets meet). Everything in Mumbai reminds me of her and I really need a break. May be I need to move away from India altogether? Damn the escapist in me.
Moving on. To exhibit B. Steve. If you know me even a little bit, I am probably the biggest fanboy that Steve has. And I want to be like him. I dont want to be Saurabh Garg. I dont want to be the unique dude that everyone else wants to be. I want to be Steve Jobs and no one else. He is that big an inspiration. I do everything that it takes to reach his levels. I push myself hard. I push people around me harder. I try and deliver the best. I connect with him philosophically - I want the process and proceeds both to be amazing. I can continue talking about him forever but allow me to digress a bit here.
After Steve, I needed a new "muse", a new inspiration, a new Iron Man and this is where I turned to Elon. Unlike Steve who's work was more about pushing the boundaries and making lives easier, Elon is about pushing the boundaries and making lives better (easier vs better). And while I read about what all he does, I often get drifted towards the concept of time and life and space and death and all that. I realise that we are so small, so tiny in large scheme of things. Whatever you may do, will come to an end and you cant do anything about it.
The entire thought makes me sick in the gut. At times I am scared. And I cant even sleep in night. At 33, this is a pretty stupid thing to admit.
More than fearing death, I think I am afraid of the concept of unknown. Everything that makes me - my thoughts, my memories, my longing for sgMS, my dreams, my aspirations, my personality, my friends et al, what would happen to those once I am dead? And if I am going to be dead in the long run, what is the damn point of this life then? Why not end it right now and avoid unnecessary heartburns and other such troubles that I give to people close to me? Case in point sgMS. The days I get to meet her, the days she talks properly to me, the days when I get god vibes from her, those days I am happy like hell. May be I need another session of Vipassana where they try and teach you that there is no you.
Death in fact has been a recurring theme in my thoughts and my dreams the last few days. The place I live at, it has a board that announces death of every person that resides in the building; and every other day I see yet another name marked on it and a place where that person would be put to rest. Creepy in so many ways. Then over the weekend, I read Reacher 20 and it was about people wanting to commit suicides. Yesterday, a colleague asked me to make my will. Last night, I was craving for sgMS while she was getting drunk and I did not know what to do find sleep. I turned to Quora and the first thread that it showed me was about how a happy, healthy young guy committed suicide without giving any sort of warning to his family and the family hasnt had a closure about the reason why he killed himself. And then in the morning today, I woke up to my maid howling about someone who's killed himself back home. Pretty fucked up man.
I dont know what to make out from all these recent things. From real life to dreams to fiction, I see it everywhere. If by any chance I were to die tomorrow and this is my last blogpost and this holds and legal merit, here is my latest will...
Anyhow, I am sick in the gut and I dont know what else to write. Lemme move on.
Wait. I am not suicidal (just in case you happen to read this and care enough to call and reason and all that). Just that there is just too long a string of coincidences. This too shall pass.
So, if I were the spiritual kinds, I would say that I am inviting death - afterall the thoughts manifest into actions and all that. In fact universe has been throwing death at me. But deep down inside I dont want it anywhere close to where I am. There are indeed so many miles to go before I sleep. And some of those miles with sgMS if not all. Here is a song for her...
Onwards to the rest of the day (Dharma) and a lunch with a friend. And then, may be, some work (Artha). And then, may be poker (Kama). As, they say in Purushartha, life is about Dharma, Artha, Kama and Moksha.
P.S.: The way I've moved on from Steve (did I move on?), may be someday, I will move on. Inshallah some day I will come out of it. Some day I will find someone that accepts the way I am.
P.P.S.: Talk of digression. From Bukowski to Steve to Elon to sgMS to Life to Death to I dont know what all. Verbal Diarrhea. But the fact of the matter is, I feel good once I have poured out shit in my head on a blog. I just wish there was someone who I could talk to - about things that I write here. And about things that I cant write here.
P.P.P.S.: #note2Self: Read more about Purushartha.
The point anyhow is that some of things that he said are phenomenal! Like one of his pieces go, "I wasnt much of a petty thief. I wanted the whole world or nothing."
 |
| "I wasn't much of a petty thief, I wanted the whole world... or nothing." |
I dont know if this is healthy in the long run but I know that thats how I am. That is what drives me. I want it all. Or I want nothing. And I am willing to put in effort and hardwork and brains and all that for it. I dont sort of shun away from work but I dont understand why I dont get it all. May be I need to put in more effort?
Exhibit A: sgMS! I have no clue if I have ever wanted anything as bad. No, I am not objectifying her. Yes, I am being selfish. Yes, I love her. Yes, I want to be everything that she wants her man to be and yes I am not even a one percent of her needs or wants. Yet, I want to be around her. Why would I want to be? Because like Rabbi said,
tere bin / besides youNo one else gives peace to my soul. Of course I dont do shit to her and no wonder I am not with her.
sanu sohnia / my love
koi hor nahio labhna / i shan't find another
jo dave / who'll give
ruh nu sakun / peace to my soul
chukke jo nakhra mera / and indulge me" (via)
In fact she alleges that my love is the stifling kinds where I dont let her breathe. I put her under the weight of my expectations and she is not at peace. Pretty messed up. No? These one-sided love affairs are pretty sad. It sucks to sort of shuffle between sleep and reality and seeing her nudging her cheeks to me, inviting me to kiss her. Its great till you can see her, smell her and all that and moment you go to touch her, you wake up to a rude shock.
I need a break. I will take a break. I am going to go away for a bit (Delhi for a week between 12 and 23 - if you are around, lets meet). Everything in Mumbai reminds me of her and I really need a break. May be I need to move away from India altogether? Damn the escapist in me.
Moving on. To exhibit B. Steve. If you know me even a little bit, I am probably the biggest fanboy that Steve has. And I want to be like him. I dont want to be Saurabh Garg. I dont want to be the unique dude that everyone else wants to be. I want to be Steve Jobs and no one else. He is that big an inspiration. I do everything that it takes to reach his levels. I push myself hard. I push people around me harder. I try and deliver the best. I connect with him philosophically - I want the process and proceeds both to be amazing. I can continue talking about him forever but allow me to digress a bit here.
After Steve, I needed a new "muse", a new inspiration, a new Iron Man and this is where I turned to Elon. Unlike Steve who's work was more about pushing the boundaries and making lives easier, Elon is about pushing the boundaries and making lives better (easier vs better). And while I read about what all he does, I often get drifted towards the concept of time and life and space and death and all that. I realise that we are so small, so tiny in large scheme of things. Whatever you may do, will come to an end and you cant do anything about it.
The entire thought makes me sick in the gut. At times I am scared. And I cant even sleep in night. At 33, this is a pretty stupid thing to admit.
More than fearing death, I think I am afraid of the concept of unknown. Everything that makes me - my thoughts, my memories, my longing for sgMS, my dreams, my aspirations, my personality, my friends et al, what would happen to those once I am dead? And if I am going to be dead in the long run, what is the damn point of this life then? Why not end it right now and avoid unnecessary heartburns and other such troubles that I give to people close to me? Case in point sgMS. The days I get to meet her, the days she talks properly to me, the days when I get god vibes from her, those days I am happy like hell. May be I need another session of Vipassana where they try and teach you that there is no you.
Death in fact has been a recurring theme in my thoughts and my dreams the last few days. The place I live at, it has a board that announces death of every person that resides in the building; and every other day I see yet another name marked on it and a place where that person would be put to rest. Creepy in so many ways. Then over the weekend, I read Reacher 20 and it was about people wanting to commit suicides. Yesterday, a colleague asked me to make my will. Last night, I was craving for sgMS while she was getting drunk and I did not know what to do find sleep. I turned to Quora and the first thread that it showed me was about how a happy, healthy young guy committed suicide without giving any sort of warning to his family and the family hasnt had a closure about the reason why he killed himself. And then in the morning today, I woke up to my maid howling about someone who's killed himself back home. Pretty fucked up man.
I dont know what to make out from all these recent things. From real life to dreams to fiction, I see it everywhere. If by any chance I were to die tomorrow and this is my last blogpost and this holds and legal merit, here is my latest will...
- I dont have any debts. In fact I am to take some money from some people.
- All my movable, immovable assets must be given to my parents and my sis equally. My bike goes to Vivek. Everything else to be given to people who may need those.
- All my digital data (computers, hard disks, blogs, social media accounts et al) to be wiped. I dont know how would you do it. But I trust Vivek to get it done.
- My dead body must be reused (parts given to those in need and whatever is left to be given to medical science for research).
- Proceeds from my book, if any, to go to M. Gawri.
- sgMS, I love you. Loved you till I died.
Anyhow, I am sick in the gut and I dont know what else to write. Lemme move on.
Wait. I am not suicidal (just in case you happen to read this and care enough to call and reason and all that). Just that there is just too long a string of coincidences. This too shall pass.
So, if I were the spiritual kinds, I would say that I am inviting death - afterall the thoughts manifest into actions and all that. In fact universe has been throwing death at me. But deep down inside I dont want it anywhere close to where I am. There are indeed so many miles to go before I sleep. And some of those miles with sgMS if not all. Here is a song for her...
I just want to see you, when you're all aloneThat's it for the time being.
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can't escape
I love you 'till the end
I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Oh why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you 'till the end
I love you 'till the end
I just want to be there
When we're caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh, not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on it's cloak
I'm lost for words, don't tell me
'Cause all I can say
I love you 'till the end
All I can say
I love you 'till the end (via)
Onwards to the rest of the day (Dharma) and a lunch with a friend. And then, may be, some work (Artha). And then, may be poker (Kama). As, they say in Purushartha, life is about Dharma, Artha, Kama and Moksha.
P.S.: The way I've moved on from Steve (did I move on?), may be someday, I will move on. Inshallah some day I will come out of it. Some day I will find someone that accepts the way I am.
P.P.S.: Talk of digression. From Bukowski to Steve to Elon to sgMS to Life to Death to I dont know what all. Verbal Diarrhea. But the fact of the matter is, I feel good once I have poured out shit in my head on a blog. I just wish there was someone who I could talk to - about things that I write here. And about things that I cant write here.
P.P.P.S.: #note2Self: Read more about Purushartha.
Untitled - 2016/01
While I was walking back from a station today, I realised something really cool. That now that I am doing ok work-wise and money-wise and I may claim to be a little more stable now, rather than craving for more work, more money, more this or more that, I've been missing #sgMS a lot lately.
Ordinarily when you have work and you are busy, you tend to not have time for things like love. Compared to last year. I did not have too many things on my plate and yet I was ok without her.
Also, I've always been told that once you make your first lakh, you want to make 10 lakhs. And then you want to make 1-crore and then 10 crores and so on and so forth. I have been lucky to have made my first lakh (in savings), and yet I dont have the carrot of 10 hanging in front of me. Of course my ambition is to reach 1 crore in this year and I am committed to it, the first lakh did not make me stare at the 10-lakh number.
Coming back, so why do I crave for her?
May be because, because of all the work, I dont have time to engage in any useless fluff that takes up a lot of time (things like checking FB updates like a maniac, engaging the trolls, stalking the intelligent ones, pimping my book etc.). And thus I am focused on stuff that matter. Work. Her.
May be because, because of all the work, I am spending a lot of time in transit - so there are more rickshaws rides, trains (yes Mumbai local), taxis (not Ubers) and all that. And since I cant work in transit, or read, or do anything productive, I am drifted to her.
May be because I am older and wiser and I know what I want and what I dont? Like Steve says, the dots connect when you look back?
May be deep down, I somehow know that I can provide for her and I thus want to be with her? After all the biggest crib I have had with life all these years is that I was poor and she was not so poor. Not that I am now an equal, just that I am little more comfortable.
May be I am old and know that I have to settle down? (PS this is a change in stand. From a time when I was not willing to listen to even an argument about wedding, now I want her around. For good.
Anyhow, the point of the post is not her. Really. The point is, I realized today that while I am ambitious, I am not greedy. When I become big, I will not become an asshole. When I've made my first crore, I will chase more but I will not be motivated by the next milestone of 10 crores. I will chase more work and grow more and I will give back more (I have two interesting things lined up for this - will talk about them soon).
So, yeah. Thats about it. Of course this is a first-world problem and I am very lucky to have it. Hope the problem continues!
P.S.: Too much information?
Ordinarily when you have work and you are busy, you tend to not have time for things like love. Compared to last year. I did not have too many things on my plate and yet I was ok without her.
Also, I've always been told that once you make your first lakh, you want to make 10 lakhs. And then you want to make 1-crore and then 10 crores and so on and so forth. I have been lucky to have made my first lakh (in savings), and yet I dont have the carrot of 10 hanging in front of me. Of course my ambition is to reach 1 crore in this year and I am committed to it, the first lakh did not make me stare at the 10-lakh number.
Coming back, so why do I crave for her?
May be because, because of all the work, I dont have time to engage in any useless fluff that takes up a lot of time (things like checking FB updates like a maniac, engaging the trolls, stalking the intelligent ones, pimping my book etc.). And thus I am focused on stuff that matter. Work. Her.
May be because, because of all the work, I am spending a lot of time in transit - so there are more rickshaws rides, trains (yes Mumbai local), taxis (not Ubers) and all that. And since I cant work in transit, or read, or do anything productive, I am drifted to her.
May be because I am older and wiser and I know what I want and what I dont? Like Steve says, the dots connect when you look back?
May be deep down, I somehow know that I can provide for her and I thus want to be with her? After all the biggest crib I have had with life all these years is that I was poor and she was not so poor. Not that I am now an equal, just that I am little more comfortable.
May be I am old and know that I have to settle down? (PS this is a change in stand. From a time when I was not willing to listen to even an argument about wedding, now I want her around. For good.
Anyhow, the point of the post is not her. Really. The point is, I realized today that while I am ambitious, I am not greedy. When I become big, I will not become an asshole. When I've made my first crore, I will chase more but I will not be motivated by the next milestone of 10 crores. I will chase more work and grow more and I will give back more (I have two interesting things lined up for this - will talk about them soon).
So, yeah. Thats about it. Of course this is a first-world problem and I am very lucky to have it. Hope the problem continues!
P.S.: Too much information?
Dear sgMS,
Dear sgMS,
I am back! Did you miss me?Of course not May be (this year, I am going to be ambitious, as a friend told another). Did I miss you? Hell yeah! No moment goes by when I dont think of you, about you, about the times we were together. And I wish those days could be back.
You know,as I write this when I wrote this, I am was at the international airport, taking a flight to Delhi. And because my domestic flight is from the international airport, I am surrounded by all these signs that point to all these fancy destinations and all these people going to all these fancy destinations. It suddenly dawned on me that I want to travel the world with you. I want to hold your hand while I am lost in those cramped alleys in Europe, when I am marveling at the national parks in the US, when I am lost on some highway somewhere in Australia, when I am up in the air heading to one of these fancy destinations, when I am scared to jump off the plane for my maiden skydive and so one and so forth. I want to click stupid selfies on top of the Eiffel tower. I want to sit on the benches on the river fronts. I want to laze at the airports. I want to listen to the music lying the hotel rooms. I want to be close to you in a crowded local train. I want to sneak in to your bed at some hostel while the floor creaks and wakes up everyone around. And I dont know how many more such things.
You know I want it all. And more. For the rest of my life.
Remember I wrote you a letter on our last trip? I know it was kind of long - it spilled over into 4 pages - and I had a hard time cutting it short. With you around, there is just so much to say. So much to do. So many memories to make.
You know, I want to grow old with you. I want to stuff a house with things that we may or may not need. A friend says most women are hoarders and like most women, you are too. I want to see you hoard all those things that I otherwise do not approve of. I want to live with you in a cosy house (I know you dont like lavish places) and I want us to frequent a cafe close to our place and do our things - you could doodle and I could play the guitar. I want us to argue over those simple silly things like giving my PIN to the waiter for punching my bill. I want you to yell at me for all my careless mistakes like leaving my card back at the restaurant. I want to fuck up the pronunciation of Parpal and February. I want you to correct me while I give you reasons for my wrong pronunciations. I want to do all those things that people do over their lifetimes.
Thing is, this is new to me. I have never imagined that I would be old. I know that I have missed the bus and I wont be richer or cooler or famous ever. I will at best be a typical mango man and I may get to drive a nice car and own a 2-and-a-half BHK in some far-off suburb in Mumbai but I will never be what I have wanted to be. But if somehow that makes you happy and content and peaceful, I think I am ok with it. I realize that I will not be forever young and I will be forgotten the next second I die. The thing thus is, while I am here, I want to be with you and make the most of my time here. That's all there is to life I think (selfish I know).
But this is about you. Not about me. So coming back, I want to be with you and grow old with you. I want to be around when you get those spects. I want to hide your spects and hold up two fingers and lie that I am holding up three. I want to pull your cheeks and scream googly woogly mush. I want you to cook something and make a face at you while you croon in horror and then laugh at you. Oh man, there is so much that I want to do with you..
You know what? I cant write no more. I miss you so bad it hurts!
I do!
Hope you come back.
SG
P.S.: I did not cheat on you. I promise I did not. Tere sar ki kasam.
I am back! Did you miss me?
You know,
You know I want it all. And more. For the rest of my life.
Remember I wrote you a letter on our last trip? I know it was kind of long - it spilled over into 4 pages - and I had a hard time cutting it short. With you around, there is just so much to say. So much to do. So many memories to make.
You know, I want to grow old with you. I want to stuff a house with things that we may or may not need. A friend says most women are hoarders and like most women, you are too. I want to see you hoard all those things that I otherwise do not approve of. I want to live with you in a cosy house (I know you dont like lavish places) and I want us to frequent a cafe close to our place and do our things - you could doodle and I could play the guitar. I want us to argue over those simple silly things like giving my PIN to the waiter for punching my bill. I want you to yell at me for all my careless mistakes like leaving my card back at the restaurant. I want to fuck up the pronunciation of Parpal and February. I want you to correct me while I give you reasons for my wrong pronunciations. I want to do all those things that people do over their lifetimes.
Thing is, this is new to me. I have never imagined that I would be old. I know that I have missed the bus and I wont be richer or cooler or famous ever. I will at best be a typical mango man and I may get to drive a nice car and own a 2-and-a-half BHK in some far-off suburb in Mumbai but I will never be what I have wanted to be. But if somehow that makes you happy and content and peaceful, I think I am ok with it. I realize that I will not be forever young and I will be forgotten the next second I die. The thing thus is, while I am here, I want to be with you and make the most of my time here. That's all there is to life I think (selfish I know).
But this is about you. Not about me. So coming back, I want to be with you and grow old with you. I want to be around when you get those spects. I want to hide your spects and hold up two fingers and lie that I am holding up three. I want to pull your cheeks and scream googly woogly mush. I want you to cook something and make a face at you while you croon in horror and then laugh at you. Oh man, there is so much that I want to do with you..
You know what? I cant write no more. I miss you so bad it hurts!
I do!
Hope you come back.
SG
P.S.: I did not cheat on you. I promise I did not. Tere sar ki kasam.
Serendipity 101
So, normally any words that come out of her, I latch on like they're precious stones. I often tend to remember what she says and I am kinda quick on my feet as well. For things that I know are too tough to remember, I make long notes with Evernote (under the #sgMS tag, I have notes about what she likes, what she hates, the cities that she wants to travel to, the kind of lifestyle she wants to live and so on and so forth.)
Coming back, that day when she asked me, for some reason I could not recall the name of the hotel. And there is no way I was going to disappoint her. So I dropped everything I was doing, to try and find the name of the hotel that she had once mentioned in the passing during an innocent conversation.
I went through EVERY email we'd EVER exchanged, browsed through our recent conversations on iMessage and WhatsApp and read every note I have made about her. It was a four-hour long exercise, excruciating to start with but full of nostalgia as I saw, browsed, read.
I did everything I could but I could not find the name of the hotel.
However I did discover that I still love her. And I still pine for her. And I still want to be with her.
Of course she has a different take. She believes we are happier away from each other. Of course she is never wrong and I am never right. I trust her judgement and I shall remain away. In
Wish me luck!
P.S.: Of course "absolute necessary" is a loose term and I may misuse it. But I shall consider this as a form of tapasya. If I keep at it for long enough, may be some day I'd get what I want - her!
Bande Achche Hain
Just stumbled on this ad by ICICI Pru. And reminded me of how I behaved around #sgMS.
Yeah yeah... I am blowing my trumpet. But that's really how Iam was. Honest. Ask her.
Just hope that the new guy she's with takes care of her better than I. After all she is a princess and deserves everything that the world has to offer.
Yeah yeah... I am blowing my trumpet. But that's really how I
Just hope that the new guy she's with takes care of her better than I. After all she is a princess and deserves everything that the world has to offer.
The Dilemma of the Dating Apps
Context: If you know of my love interests, you will know that I refuse to move on. From where? well...
So, yesterday a gentleman told me that I was an early adopter of shiny new things. I remember talking about it at a point in past. Right now, too lazy to actually sift through (almost 1500 posts on) this blog to locate that one. Just assume that I have spoken about it. Ok?
The point is one of the things that the world (and Universe with all its signs) has been telling me for a while, is to move on. And for people like me who are awkward in social settings and have limited places of work (where, according to a survey most relationships happen), the options to find options to move on are pretty few.
And what would a guy who is an early adopter do in such a case? Of course turn to technology for help. Technology like discreet matchmaking websites, mobile phone applications that promise you contact with women in proximity and flings with friends of your friends.
I went (a few months back), I tried (till last night) and I was disappointed.
When I talked to the pros of these dating games, I was told I've got the entire thing wrong. So this post may become what not to do while trying for luck on online medium.
A. For starters I refuse to put my photograph up. Because I dont like the concept of my photograph on the Internet. Here's a challenge. Find my pic. You wont be able to. I promise you. Anyhow, so I refuse to put my pic and that is a big big deterrent for women. Apparently.
B. Then I refuse to follow up (read make desperate attempts at seeking company) and sending messages incessantly even though the lady on the other side is not replying.
C. Finally the few matches I did get, a tiny percentage did convert into meetings. And I guess I am not a conversationalist per se and thus I think I disappointed most of the ones who braved a meeting with me. And a handful that did not find me disappointing, disappointed me. Except one. Where none of us disappointed each other but it turned out both of us had issues from previous disappointments.
So, today, as I am on the verge of closing my accounts on these dating profiles, the "Steve Jobs" of our era (the one you cant ignore), made these two posts that he made. If he can get 170+ messages, I being an ardent follower and aspiring Steve Jobs can definitely get 1.
No?
The question thus is, are you the one?
P.S.: Second post in two days. Neither one has a point. Or may be they do. Who cares. The point is, I am back to writing. And I love it
So, yesterday a gentleman told me that I was an early adopter of shiny new things. I remember talking about it at a point in past. Right now, too lazy to actually sift through (almost 1500 posts on) this blog to locate that one. Just assume that I have spoken about it. Ok?
The point is one of the things that the world (and Universe with all its signs) has been telling me for a while, is to move on. And for people like me who are awkward in social settings and have limited places of work (where, according to a survey most relationships happen), the options to find options to move on are pretty few.
And what would a guy who is an early adopter do in such a case? Of course turn to technology for help. Technology like discreet matchmaking websites, mobile phone applications that promise you contact with women in proximity and flings with friends of your friends.
I went (a few months back), I tried (till last night) and I was disappointed.
When I talked to the pros of these dating games, I was told I've got the entire thing wrong. So this post may become what not to do while trying for luck on online medium.
A. For starters I refuse to put my photograph up. Because I dont like the concept of my photograph on the Internet. Here's a challenge. Find my pic. You wont be able to. I promise you. Anyhow, so I refuse to put my pic and that is a big big deterrent for women. Apparently.
B. Then I refuse to follow up (read make desperate attempts at seeking company) and sending messages incessantly even though the lady on the other side is not replying.
C. Finally the few matches I did get, a tiny percentage did convert into meetings. And I guess I am not a conversationalist per se and thus I think I disappointed most of the ones who braved a meeting with me. And a handful that did not find me disappointing, disappointed me. Except one. Where none of us disappointed each other but it turned out both of us had issues from previous disappointments.
So, today, as I am on the verge of closing my accounts on these dating profiles, the "Steve Jobs" of our era (the one you cant ignore), made these two posts that he made. If he can get 170+ messages, I being an ardent follower and aspiring Steve Jobs can definitely get 1.
No?
The question thus is, are you the one?
P.S.: Second post in two days. Neither one has a point. Or may be they do. Who cares. The point is, I am back to writing. And I love it
Hello monsoon!
The monsoon is almost here. It even drizzled for a bit last night. And from my vantage point of 9th floor staring into an open ground, the drops of water falling down from nothing but the dark sky, disappearing into nothing but the damp shrubs, leaving behind a trail of glowing streaks because of the yellow street lamps in the background, was pure magic. It was surreal. Like a scene out of a some famous director's movie.
It was a sight to behold and I could sit on my bed and stare at it forever, if only the rain dint stop within like 5 minutes. And if it dint bring back the memories of sgMS sitting next to me holding onto my hand, scribbling something on a yellow post-it note. Something that would be innocent, innocuous, so simple so insightful that it would make me smile. At her, at the way she writes, at the way she doodles, at the way she is at peace next to me. At the way she makes me feel.
Thing is, rains have always been very special to me. There is something magical about the grey skies, the purest green, the damp earth, the cool wind and the occasional splash of water on my face. So much so that I am willing to ignore the interruptions caused by rains in India. More on it some other day. In the meanwhile, here's something that I was reminded of...
It was a sight to behold and I could sit on my bed and stare at it forever, if only the rain dint stop within like 5 minutes. And if it dint bring back the memories of sgMS sitting next to me holding onto my hand, scribbling something on a yellow post-it note. Something that would be innocent, innocuous, so simple so insightful that it would make me smile. At her, at the way she writes, at the way she doodles, at the way she is at peace next to me. At the way she makes me feel.
Thing is, rains have always been very special to me. There is something magical about the grey skies, the purest green, the damp earth, the cool wind and the occasional splash of water on my face. So much so that I am willing to ignore the interruptions caused by rains in India. More on it some other day. In the meanwhile, here's something that I was reminded of...
 |
| from The Notebook |
Will you?
I spot a recurring pattern in life. As readers of this blog, you must have noticed it as well. No?
That I play this game of hide and seek on the blog.
And if it's any consolation, I do it in real life as well.
There are phases when I have this spurt of activity where I get hyper active. I write almost everyday, think of ideas, get some exercise, do a lot of reading, talking, connecting and dreaming. I am in the zone. For days at stretch. I am in this Zen-like mode where nothing seems impossible and I want it all. And I work towards it. I am in the YOLO and FOMO mode and I say yes to everything. I overwork myself. To a point when I start cribbing about how overworked I am and how I don't have time to sleep. I do so till the time I start enjoying the pain. I am on this trip where pain becomes pleasure and I want more and more of it.
Till something happens and I snap out of it.
The "something" could be as large as the AC not working or as small as wrong signs from Universe. AC is large because I am the kinds that want everything in perfect order to keep me happy. So things like AC, relatives, visitors at home, Internet etc. bug me so much that I want to kill someone. Of course Universe-conspiring-to-give-me-gifts is important as well but I sincerely believe that I amongst the luckiest people. So I tide over that.
So till I snap out of the euphoria, I am getting things done. I am the king of the universe. But when I am out, I have this desperateurge need to crawl in a hole and wait for the winters to end. I sort of want to disappear. I cease all contact with the outside world (except my inner circle) and I don't want to be touched. I don't write, I don't tweet, I don't post updates on Facebook. I merely become a vegetable and try to exist. Of course if there's work, I have to live per shenanigans of clients. But I try to not accept work in such phases.
I know it sucks but this is probably that aspect of life that I cant change.
I know it sucks but that's how I am.
Of course I can blame it on my bipolarity. Or may be on the fact that I really really miss having sgMS around me. Or may be at the lack of direction that my life is flowing in. I can externalize the reasons but there's no one to blame but me and I will have to live with it.
The thing is, despite all that, as a friend, a reader, a patron, I will have to ask you, request you, implore you to allow me to live with it. Give me my space when I need. And hope that I come back stronger and higher.
Will you?
That I play this game of hide and seek on the blog.
And if it's any consolation, I do it in real life as well.
There are phases when I have this spurt of activity where I get hyper active. I write almost everyday, think of ideas, get some exercise, do a lot of reading, talking, connecting and dreaming. I am in the zone. For days at stretch. I am in this Zen-like mode where nothing seems impossible and I want it all. And I work towards it. I am in the YOLO and FOMO mode and I say yes to everything. I overwork myself. To a point when I start cribbing about how overworked I am and how I don't have time to sleep. I do so till the time I start enjoying the pain. I am on this trip where pain becomes pleasure and I want more and more of it.
Till something happens and I snap out of it.
The "something" could be as large as the AC not working or as small as wrong signs from Universe. AC is large because I am the kinds that want everything in perfect order to keep me happy. So things like AC, relatives, visitors at home, Internet etc. bug me so much that I want to kill someone. Of course Universe-conspiring-to-give-me-gifts is important as well but I sincerely believe that I amongst the luckiest people. So I tide over that.
So till I snap out of the euphoria, I am getting things done. I am the king of the universe. But when I am out, I have this desperate
I know it sucks but this is probably that aspect of life that I cant change.
I know it sucks but that's how I am.
Of course I can blame it on my bipolarity. Or may be on the fact that I really really miss having sgMS around me. Or may be at the lack of direction that my life is flowing in. I can externalize the reasons but there's no one to blame but me and I will have to live with it.
The thing is, despite all that, as a friend, a reader, a patron, I will have to ask you, request you, implore you to allow me to live with it. Give me my space when I need. And hope that I come back stronger and higher.
Will you?
Dear sgMS
I dint mean to write to you this soon. I am supposed to show little restraint, little caution, little more control over what I do and how much I miss you. You know I am supposed to move on and all that. And anyway, I just wrote a letter to you last week!
The thing is, I am at a place that has something that reminds me of you. Actually not just one thing. But a lot of things. Its like the universe is conspiring against me or something. To get me close to you. Lemme talk about those things.
Starting with the fragrance that the hotel uses. This hotel has Lotus Flower as their signature smell. Now I dont know much about fragrances and perfumes and all that but I know that the perfume is uncannily similar to the one that you use all the time. So much that everytime I use one of those free things that come in the room, I go rushing back in your arms. Living with you. Breathing in that smell off you. Holding your hand, traveling with you to a new place. Remember that ten-page long letter that I wrote you before we went on that trip?
Then there is this entire thing about me being at a very chilled out place and not having you for company. Every time I do some mischief, pull a prank on people I am with, I am left searching for you and hoping that you would be around to see me smirk like a mad man. I would crave for that dismissive nod of yours that says so much without saying anything at all. Something that only you can do. Something that I think is one of your superpowers. Something that I miss sorely.
Then ofcourse there are millions of tiny nicknacks that I think you would've loved to buy. Of course, to this date I cant guess what your taste is like but I have a vague idea of things that would pass your scrutiny. You remember how towards the end of that trip, I actually got good at guessing the trinket that you liked? I wanted to point at things that I think you would like. But I couldnt. You werent around you know.
And last, the fact that the room has pristine clean bedding, just the kind that you prefer. It is so perfect that you probably wouldnt have stepped out of the hotel! Neither do I want to for that matter. And when I miss you, and when I dig my face into those soft pillows, every time I curl up in the bed craving for your company, that whiff of that Lotus Flower takes me back. To you. It reminds me of you. Of your company. Of your greatness.
God, I miss you. I really do.
Please come back.
Love always,
SG
Dear sgMS
 |
| From the movie Notting Hill. One of the greatest love stories ever told! |
Trust you are well.
So, I dont know where to start this rant. I have nothing new to report. Its the same old life, same old rut, same old circle or life. And the same old longing for you. It's been so long that I've spoken to you that it feels like a life time.
Second thing you said was that moment I find someone else, I will forget you. I tried to find that someone else. And I failed at it. Over the last few days, I have met few women and some of them have been absolute pleasure to hang out with. But every time I crossed that blurry line between being strangers and being acquaintances, I felt as if I were cheating on you. I couldnt carry on the conversation. I would exit. Feeling guilty about even making an attempt to meet others.
And then I would be miserable for the next few days. Till I gather myself and my thoughts and chase someone else. And after I meet someone, I would be guilty all over again. And the vicious cycle would continue. I dont see a way out. I know I cant be with you and I know I cant stay away from. I sincerely dont know what to do.
You know, I thought I'd never say this. But I need you. I am desperate for your company. I long for you. I can do anything to be around you. I dont want you to kiss me, I dont want you to hug me. I dont even want to shake hands or whatever. Just be around you. Allow me to be around. Please. I beg of you. I promise I would not make it awkward. I would not make it uncomfortable. Please...
I really need you to hold me and tell me that all will be ok. Remember how we sat next to that broken wall along a river? And then on that bench next to that other river? I miss those times. I miss sitting next to you.
I miss you.
Please come back.
Love always,
SG
Dear sgMS
Dear sgMS,
Hope you are doing great. Wherever you are.
Hope you are happy and healthy. Hope you are in love and you're getting your fix of attention and affection. Hope you're doing great work that makes you happy and your friends proud.Hope all the emo baggage that SG piles up on you is no longer yours to carry.
You konw, to be honest, I dint mean to write in to you. I remember my promise of staying away. And I have stayed away for a large part. Even when I have needed you, even when I could do with your company, even when I knew that no one else but you can give me comfort. I've stayed away.
You know, I dont really have a reason to write to you. Just that I miss you terribly. I miss you so so much that I dont know what to do. It's stifling. It's suffocating. I can't breathe. I mean I can but it seems like a task. And there is no reason to make the effort. Who do I do all the things for? You are my reason babes. I want to make your proud. I want to make you happy. Without you, what would I do with things when I dont have you to shower those on?
I tried to not write this letter. I drugged myself and tried to sleep but I could not. I tried to drown myself in work but I could not deliver. I tried to divert attention on television, poker, readign but I just couldn't concentrate. I am human sgMS and this time it got better of me. I had to speak to you.
I sent you frantic messages, emails, calls and tried everything to reach you. And I realized that you have blocked me out. I know you dont have any hard feelings per se and you're doing this so that I drift away with time and I get used to living without you.
Of course your methods are flawed and this separation from you is making me crave for your company all the more. So much so that I am staring at the pics from good old times when we were together.
I really really want you around. I know repeating a word does not make it stronger or better. But there is no other way I know to express myself. I really want you around me. And I want to be around you. I just can't do without you. I know I am being selfish. And I know you hate selfish people. But I dont know what else to say. I dont want to lie to you. I want you and I want you bad.
Judge me if you will.
But, but... please please come back! I promise I try really hard to not disappoint you.
Please?
Love always,
SG
Hope you are doing great. Wherever you are.
Hope you are happy and healthy. Hope you are in love and you're getting your fix of attention and affection. Hope you're doing great work that makes you happy and your friends proud.
You konw, to be honest, I dint mean to write in to you. I remember my promise of staying away. And I have stayed away for a large part. Even when I have needed you, even when I could do with your company, even when I knew that no one else but you can give me comfort. I've stayed away.
You know, I dont really have a reason to write to you. Just that I miss you terribly. I miss you so so much that I dont know what to do. It's stifling. It's suffocating. I can't breathe. I mean I can but it seems like a task. And there is no reason to make the effort. Who do I do all the things for? You are my reason babes. I want to make your proud. I want to make you happy. Without you, what would I do with things when I dont have you to shower those on?
I tried to not write this letter. I drugged myself and tried to sleep but I could not. I tried to drown myself in work but I could not deliver. I tried to divert attention on television, poker, readign but I just couldn't concentrate. I am human sgMS and this time it got better of me. I had to speak to you.
I sent you frantic messages, emails, calls and tried everything to reach you. And I realized that you have blocked me out. I know you dont have any hard feelings per se and you're doing this so that I drift away with time and I get used to living without you.
Of course your methods are flawed and this separation from you is making me crave for your company all the more. So much so that I am staring at the pics from good old times when we were together.
I really really want you around. I know repeating a word does not make it stronger or better. But there is no other way I know to express myself. I really want you around me. And I want to be around you. I just can't do without you. I know I am being selfish. And I know you hate selfish people. But I dont know what else to say. I dont want to lie to you. I want you and I want you bad.
Judge me if you will.
But, but... please please come back! I promise I try really hard to not disappoint you.
Please?
Love always,
SG
The impending visit to a hospital
If you've been following my twitter stream, you would know that I have this boil on my foot that has grown to a size of tennis ball. And as a result, my leg is swollen to a size that can put an Elephant to shame. I have tried all home-grown remedies on the boil but nothing seems to be working. I will have to goto an hospital to get it incision-ed. And I am shitting bricks.
Because I hate hospitals. And second I dont like others to see my tears. After all men my age dont cry when a sharp thing pricks the tender skin. Wish they could spray some local Anasthesia on it before they cut it.
Anyhow, what needs to be done has to be done. Just that I dont have sgMS around when this has happened. If she were around, the boil would've been operated, cured when it was just a boil. And even if it were to grow this big, I would have had her hand to hold on to.
Damn!
World 1, SG 0!
Because I hate hospitals. And second I dont like others to see my tears. After all men my age dont cry when a sharp thing pricks the tender skin. Wish they could spray some local Anasthesia on it before they cut it.
Anyhow, what needs to be done has to be done. Just that I dont have sgMS around when this has happened. If she were around, the boil would've been operated, cured when it was just a boil. And even if it were to grow this big, I would have had her hand to hold on to.
Damn!
World 1, SG 0!
8 on 10
Met VK today yesterday. She did not have a lot of time but whatever little we had, it was enough. After all no trip to Delhi is complete without meeting her. Plus, she is probably the only person who I can meet all the time and not get bored of. AND I don't get depressed or sad or anxious when she has to leave.
To be honest, yesterday, I was more than happy to see her go because she forced me to eat a Subway. Yuk! Let me put this on record. For the last time. I do NOT like Subway. I don't hate it per se. But I just don't like it. Hope you get the difference. Especially VG. Reading this? Thing is, its just too messy to eat and its exorbitantly expensive and it doesn't taste all that good either.
Anyhow, coming back. So we had very little time and after we were done with gossip, we came back to issues with her life. And issues with my life. Of course all those things are off the record. For the record however is her opinion on the colorful (or colorless, depending on how you look at it) life of sgMS and me.
So, she said something funny. She said that if there are 10 steps required to "get over it," I am on the 8th.
Even though I take her word more seriously than I take even my mom's, I don't agree to this one. How could I be on the 8th step? When sgMS is my life? Am I just 2 steps away from dying? Of course not. I have at least 49 more books to publish, a WSOP bracelet to win, 180+ countries left to travel to (nah, no space or planets or stars for me) and… and… get married and settled down with… you know who. I just cant die.
But then, VK cant be wrong. She normally isn't. And she knows the context. She knows the characters. In fact VK has actually been the only anchor, the only support throughout the relationship adventurous ride. She is probably the only person who knows it all about sgMS. I mean Neo also doesn't know as much about sgMS. VK also said something on the lines that is she's known about me and her for years now and this is the closet I am to letting her go.
So I don't know where I stand. But I do know that if she's correct and I am wrong and I am indeed on the 8th step, it would suck. Suck like crazy. So crazy that I'd rather stay stuck at step 8 if I cant retrace it to step 0. After all, she is sgMS. sg + MS. The two have to be together. They just don't sound right away from each other.
They don't. They can't.
To be honest, yesterday, I was more than happy to see her go because she forced me to eat a Subway. Yuk! Let me put this on record. For the last time. I do NOT like Subway. I don't hate it per se. But I just don't like it. Hope you get the difference. Especially VG. Reading this? Thing is, its just too messy to eat and its exorbitantly expensive and it doesn't taste all that good either.
Anyhow, coming back. So we had very little time and after we were done with gossip, we came back to issues with her life. And issues with my life. Of course all those things are off the record. For the record however is her opinion on the colorful (or colorless, depending on how you look at it) life of sgMS and me.
So, she said something funny. She said that if there are 10 steps required to "get over it," I am on the 8th.
Even though I take her word more seriously than I take even my mom's, I don't agree to this one. How could I be on the 8th step? When sgMS is my life? Am I just 2 steps away from dying? Of course not. I have at least 49 more books to publish, a WSOP bracelet to win, 180+ countries left to travel to (nah, no space or planets or stars for me) and… and… get married and settled down with… you know who. I just cant die.
But then, VK cant be wrong. She normally isn't. And she knows the context. She knows the characters. In fact VK has actually been the only anchor, the only support throughout the relationship adventurous ride. She is probably the only person who knows it all about sgMS. I mean Neo also doesn't know as much about sgMS. VK also said something on the lines that is she's known about me and her for years now and this is the closet I am to letting her go.
So I don't know where I stand. But I do know that if she's correct and I am wrong and I am indeed on the 8th step, it would suck. Suck like crazy. So crazy that I'd rather stay stuck at step 8 if I cant retrace it to step 0. After all, she is sgMS. sg + MS. The two have to be together. They just don't sound right away from each other.
They don't. They can't.
I am in love!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and children of all ages, here is a grand announcement.
I am in love! I. AM. IN. LOVE!
With Frances. Of the Frances Ha fame. I will get to her in a minute. In the meanwhile, let me get a couple of disclosures out of the way.
a. I am FINALLY over sgMS. Long story. For a different day. But, I am back to being on the lookout for that perfect love. If there is something like that. The romantic is me (who has this never-ending zest for life) would want to believe that there is. The pragmatic in me (who stares at a balding old man in the mirror, growing older by the day, every morning while cleaning my teeth) says it's a myth. I'd let time decide.
b. I don't watch movies unless something is really really recommended or I get amazing company. So when Prateek recommended Frances Ha, I was slightly skeptic. But Prateek is a master at people watching and he knows how to read people bette than anyone else I know. If he recommends something, I take it very seriously. So I had to watch it.
Coming back to Frances.
I am in love! I am saying this for I don't know, a hundredth time. And I can say it a 100 more times if I have to. Because I am. I could not imagine that someone like Frances could actually exist. Even if she is a figment of imagination of a film maker.
She is everything that I ever want to be. She is a little mad, a little quirky, a little creative, a little jealous of her best friend, a little lost, a little human, a little cool, a little interesting, a little mysterious, a little impulsive, a little wanderlust, a little this and a little that. But, but, she is super super adorable. The kind I could live my life with. The kind that would make life worth living. The kind that would make me want to plan for elaborate surprises.
So in the movie, Frances is this not so young woman who is on a perpetual look out for the love of her life, little sunshine, some money to be able to have a place of her own and her identity. The hunt takes her to interesting places, throws her in interesting parties, makes her bump into interesting people and takes her to oddball jobs. The movie follows her adventure as she finds her way through life. Through tribulations, sorrows, drunken night outs and awkward dates.
She says, "I like things that look like mistakes." And a man around her says that she's "undatable." Would you not fall for a woman like that? You know that feeling? When you meet someone and you know that she is PERFECT for you!
Let me change tracks and talk about myself here for a second now. I have no shame or guilt in admitting that I am undatable as well. And I am lost. And I want a place of my own and I want my own identity. And I want money. Lots of it. Having made a list of all these things I want, I still don't know what I really want. I refuse to stick to one job yet I believe that I am great at whatever task I take up.
Do you see where I am going with this? Don't you think I ought to get a Frances in my life to share my highs and lows with? So, here is the million dollar question. Would you want to be my Frances? You want to make a mistake? And do you like things that look like mistakes? I promise I would stick around. I tend to. Find me on FB, Twitter and other places. Give me a sign. If there's one thing I have done right, it is that I have made myself very easy to find - on the web. The code word when you do it is, like Frances would mockingly say, "Ahoy Sexy!"
P.P.S.: The love thing with Frances? It was not that love-in-first-sight kind of love. I am too old for that. She grew on me. I was confused in the beginning about my feelings for her but when she finally reached Paris in the movie and had that conversation with her friend, I had my aha moment. You have to watch the movie.
The three books for 2015
Its the 11th day of 2015 and this is my 5th post. If I continue to go at this rate, I think my goal of 250K words will happen. Of course I know that all the words need to take me close to a destination. Destination being - #trss and two more full-length books. By the end of 2015.
Let me talk about them here.
1. #trss
This will be similar to #tnks. I dont know the shape it will take. But this will be published by Grapevine, assuming the team at Grapevine likes what I write.
2. 12x12
I am attempting to write 12 love stories in 12 months. Short stories. Each a fan-fiction to the greatest love stories I've read. It's an initiative by Radhika, who I met on Wrimo India FB group. I dont know if you can still participate in 12 x 12 but may be check this page for more details. I even know what I am going to call it. Dear #sgMS. What else :)
P.S.: Last I heard, sgMS is getting married. That means whatever little hopes I had of reconciliation, they're all gone. Unless I turn into a murderer and kill the lucky man. But then why plunge her into sadness. More on this at some point in time in future. May be when I am ready to kill myself?
3. Third
This is slightly tricky. I want to write on travel. And on stories that people encounter when they travel. Like 12x12, this will be a collection of sorts. But of essays rather than stories. Observations rather than lesson in history. Again, I dont have a structure in my mind right now. But once I am free from the rigmarole of a clock that I need to punch in at 10, I shall work on this.
In the meanwhile, please do read #tnks and do let me know how can I improve what I write. I am very happy with the response that I've got. I know, I know. It's far from making me rich. But it does make me happy every time I spot my book amongst a pile of books, at my home. The book is still not available at bookstores. I dont know why. The publisher is assuring me that it's doing everything that he can to make it available. But it's not.
Any answers anyone?
Let me talk about them here.
1. #trss
This will be similar to #tnks. I dont know the shape it will take. But this will be published by Grapevine, assuming the team at Grapevine likes what I write.
2. 12x12
I am attempting to write 12 love stories in 12 months. Short stories. Each a fan-fiction to the greatest love stories I've read. It's an initiative by Radhika, who I met on Wrimo India FB group. I dont know if you can still participate in 12 x 12 but may be check this page for more details. I even know what I am going to call it. Dear #sgMS. What else :)
P.S.: Last I heard, sgMS is getting married. That means whatever little hopes I had of reconciliation, they're all gone. Unless I turn into a murderer and kill the lucky man. But then why plunge her into sadness. More on this at some point in time in future. May be when I am ready to kill myself?
3. Third
This is slightly tricky. I want to write on travel. And on stories that people encounter when they travel. Like 12x12, this will be a collection of sorts. But of essays rather than stories. Observations rather than lesson in history. Again, I dont have a structure in my mind right now. But once I am free from the rigmarole of a clock that I need to punch in at 10, I shall work on this.
In the meanwhile, please do read #tnks and do let me know how can I improve what I write. I am very happy with the response that I've got. I know, I know. It's far from making me rich. But it does make me happy every time I spot my book amongst a pile of books, at my home. The book is still not available at bookstores. I dont know why. The publisher is assuring me that it's doing everything that he can to make it available. But it's not.
Any answers anyone?
Untitled. Oct 30, 2014.
I don't even know when was the last time I posted on this blog (edit note: On 6th Oct). Since the book went live on Amazon and Flipkart, I have spent all my time talking about it, to everyone that I meet. So much so that if you wake me up at the middle of the night, I would rattle that TNKS is the story of one Nidhi Kapoor who happens to be a famous actress...
Most of these people-many are meeting me for the first time-look at me with pity. They are like, "Here's another misguided soul who thinks that writing could feed his expensive lifestyle." Some obviously are kind. Take GK for example. He is the first contributor to my campaign to try and raise money for the book. Thanks GK.
To top the misery ofmarketing hustle (to get the book known by as many people as possible), I just started a new job. It's been a month and with the Diwali leave and other small leaves, I have spent very few days in office. And, trust me, all those days were so full with work that I did not have time to even die. Writing, reading, meeting people, traveling, thinking, poker and everything else's now been reduced to things that are meant to be done on weekends. I am now part of the rat race. I am now trapped in that inevitable month-on-month paycheck cycle. A life that I detested all my life. Irony. Guess when they said "never say never," they said it from experience. It's like someone's clipped the wings of a grasshopper. Or a bird. Take your pick. So, yesterday, the monotony of warming one chair with my fat butt got better of me and I left office before the time I was scheduled to leave. Of course I would be reprimanded by HR for it. But what the heck. I am not a slave. I love what the company does but my freedom is more important to me. I left early, came home and fell face first on my hard bed. And no, it did not hurt. It actually felt nice for a change.
It was 7 I think when I forced myself to doze off. The sleep was fitful and I woke multiple times at night. Each time I checked my phone, hoping that #sgMS would have reconciled things and would have asked me to come back. No, she did not send any message. She'd never do something like that. Her pride is far too big for it. I did dream of her though. She and I were on some train journey. Very unlike because I detest long train journeys but I am not complaining. It was a dark night and train was passing over a never-ending bridge, erected on top of some ocean somewhere in Europe. Apart from that faint sliver of moon at some distance, it was a pitch black night. I flipped out my phone to take a selfie, both of us bathed in moon light. But I am klutzy when it comes to camera. So she snatched my phone and extended her smallish arms and took a picture. While she clicked, she squeezed in close to me. I could breathe in her perfume, see that tinge of white hiding behind the thick bun that she loves to tie her hair in. She was close to me than she has been in years. And I wanted the moment to last forever. Ok enough. Just because I am reading my first Mills and Boon does not mean I start writing cheesy things on a public blog. And that too about sgMS.
To come back to the afterlife of being a published author, to be honest, it sucks. While I was writing, I had no one to answer to. No one had any expectations. I broke away from all relationships. I was a free fucking bird. I had saved some and seen the world and all I had to do was write 1000 or so word everyday. The 1000 words were a struggle but every word I wrote brought along elation and excitement and satisfaction. I was rowing my own boat in the vast ocean and it did not matter if the boat stayed afloat or drowned. No one would've noticed to be honest. I was truly by myself. I was the master of my time. I could choose what I did.
Now, now that the book is done, I am back to being the chief bread-earner for my family. A side-note on my parents. If not for them, I wouldn't have been able to lead such a nomadic life. Not nomadic but hippy. Thanks Ma and Pa.
But now that I am back, the grind sucks. The ones I listen to, I goto advice for, my mentors, they tell me that that's how life is meant to be lived. I refuse to accept. When God, or whoever else made us, he had to have a plan. And that plan definitely could not be as wasteful as spending hours in a room with other people, trying to give wings to other people's dreams. Damn life. It's so frivolous and wasteful. Something needs to be done. I don't know what.
At times I think the ones who are called mad, they probably weren't mad at all. They were merely taking the world for a ride. That dude Nietzsche said something interesting about such people. He said, "And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." I want to believe that he was right. I want to believe that a lot of people around me are dancing to their tunes and I have no clue as to what they are listening to. Wish I had a tune playing in my head. I could've danced to my tune and I could've ignored the world around me. But then, the eternal question. Is it what the life is meant for? To take other for a ride?
There has to a way out. Someone has to have answers. Someone must know the meaning of it all. Someone has to solve the conundrum. There are so so many things that are wrong about the world around us. The unfairness of the world, the hazaar khawahishs, the bonds that prevent us from taking wings, the expectations, sgMS, money. There are so many things that I dont have a clue to. Time to seek help? I don't know. Who'd have answers? Are they easy?
Guess this is what Midlife Crisis is all about?
P.S.: Loved writing this little rant. Oh, the pleasures of venting out. And the pleasures of writing. And the pleasures of a coffee shops. Thanks Starbucks!
P.P.S.: Just updated my bucket list.
Most of these people-many are meeting me for the first time-look at me with pity. They are like, "Here's another misguided soul who thinks that writing could feed his expensive lifestyle." Some obviously are kind. Take GK for example. He is the first contributor to my campaign to try and raise money for the book. Thanks GK.
To top the misery of
It was 7 I think when I forced myself to doze off. The sleep was fitful and I woke multiple times at night. Each time I checked my phone, hoping that #sgMS would have reconciled things and would have asked me to come back. No, she did not send any message. She'd never do something like that. Her pride is far too big for it. I did dream of her though. She and I were on some train journey. Very unlike because I detest long train journeys but I am not complaining. It was a dark night and train was passing over a never-ending bridge, erected on top of some ocean somewhere in Europe. Apart from that faint sliver of moon at some distance, it was a pitch black night. I flipped out my phone to take a selfie, both of us bathed in moon light. But I am klutzy when it comes to camera. So she snatched my phone and extended her smallish arms and took a picture. While she clicked, she squeezed in close to me. I could breathe in her perfume, see that tinge of white hiding behind the thick bun that she loves to tie her hair in. She was close to me than she has been in years. And I wanted the moment to last forever. Ok enough. Just because I am reading my first Mills and Boon does not mean I start writing cheesy things on a public blog. And that too about sgMS.
To come back to the afterlife of being a published author, to be honest, it sucks. While I was writing, I had no one to answer to. No one had any expectations. I broke away from all relationships. I was a free fucking bird. I had saved some and seen the world and all I had to do was write 1000 or so word everyday. The 1000 words were a struggle but every word I wrote brought along elation and excitement and satisfaction. I was rowing my own boat in the vast ocean and it did not matter if the boat stayed afloat or drowned. No one would've noticed to be honest. I was truly by myself. I was the master of my time. I could choose what I did.
Now, now that the book is done, I am back to being the chief bread-earner for my family. A side-note on my parents. If not for them, I wouldn't have been able to lead such a nomadic life. Not nomadic but hippy. Thanks Ma and Pa.
But now that I am back, the grind sucks. The ones I listen to, I goto advice for, my mentors, they tell me that that's how life is meant to be lived. I refuse to accept. When God, or whoever else made us, he had to have a plan. And that plan definitely could not be as wasteful as spending hours in a room with other people, trying to give wings to other people's dreams. Damn life. It's so frivolous and wasteful. Something needs to be done. I don't know what.
At times I think the ones who are called mad, they probably weren't mad at all. They were merely taking the world for a ride. That dude Nietzsche said something interesting about such people. He said, "And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." I want to believe that he was right. I want to believe that a lot of people around me are dancing to their tunes and I have no clue as to what they are listening to. Wish I had a tune playing in my head. I could've danced to my tune and I could've ignored the world around me. But then, the eternal question. Is it what the life is meant for? To take other for a ride?
There has to a way out. Someone has to have answers. Someone must know the meaning of it all. Someone has to solve the conundrum. There are so so many things that are wrong about the world around us. The unfairness of the world, the hazaar khawahishs, the bonds that prevent us from taking wings, the expectations, sgMS, money. There are so many things that I dont have a clue to. Time to seek help? I don't know. Who'd have answers? Are they easy?
Guess this is what Midlife Crisis is all about?
P.S.: Loved writing this little rant. Oh, the pleasures of venting out. And the pleasures of writing. And the pleasures of a coffee shops. Thanks Starbucks!
P.P.S.: Just updated my bucket list.
In praise of writing
The last few days have been really busy.
Amongst other things, I have been playing a fervent ping-pong match with team at Grapevine India. They have sent me the edited and proofread version of tnks and I was supposed to give an approval on it. I did not like a few things that they removed. And they did not like a few things that I really want in the final version. Both of us (Grapevine and I) are guilty of clinging onto things and thus we are squabbling over it. And squabbling over things is a very very time consuming and exhausting.
Thankfully, we've reached a truce and agreed on the final draft. And it means two things.
A, we are on track to meet the October release deadline for the book. Yay!
B, I can now start working on the next plot. In fact, today I wrote a few lines for the next one. And I loved working on it. Loved it like crazy. Words magically appeared on my screen and the time seemed to be moving fast. I realized that I love creating new things. That chase of new new thing has remained with me even after all these years!
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I live. To see time fly by. To see words popping in my head.
When I write, I forget everything that is wrong with my life. I instead become the God and I, for a change, can control things. I can mould characters and their behaviors. I can change the course of incidents and situations and everything else as per my whims. I can give birth, take a life, nurture something, torture someone and be indifferent without any guilt. No, I am not a egomaniacal narcissist. As yet.
Just that I am the happiest when I am writing. And nothing else comes close. May be, except spending time with sgMS!
Original, edited version posted here.
Amongst other things, I have been playing a fervent ping-pong match with team at Grapevine India. They have sent me the edited and proofread version of tnks and I was supposed to give an approval on it. I did not like a few things that they removed. And they did not like a few things that I really want in the final version. Both of us (Grapevine and I) are guilty of clinging onto things and thus we are squabbling over it. And squabbling over things is a very very time consuming and exhausting.
Thankfully, we've reached a truce and agreed on the final draft. And it means two things.
A, we are on track to meet the October release deadline for the book. Yay!
B, I can now start working on the next plot. In fact, today I wrote a few lines for the next one. And I loved working on it. Loved it like crazy. Words magically appeared on my screen and the time seemed to be moving fast. I realized that I love creating new things. That chase of new new thing has remained with me even after all these years!
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I live. To see time fly by. To see words popping in my head.
When I write, I forget everything that is wrong with my life. I instead become the God and I, for a change, can control things. I can mould characters and their behaviors. I can change the course of incidents and situations and everything else as per my whims. I can give birth, take a life, nurture something, torture someone and be indifferent without any guilt. No, I am not a egomaniacal narcissist. As yet.
Just that I am the happiest when I am writing. And nothing else comes close. May be, except spending time with sgMS!
Original, edited version posted here.
Tum
When I was young, I used to love this band, Euphoria. At MDI, I even got an opportunity to host them at our cultural fest (and like a starry-eyed kid, I was mesmerized with them and loved while they were performing for us. Of course I took pictures with the band.)
Fast forward to 2014. While browsing random videos on youtube, I stumbled onto this song, Tum. It looked like a modern version of a song that I loved when I was young. Thinking that I may have out-grown the love for a love song, full of mush, I initially wanted to skip it but then something in me asked me to give it a chance and listen to it.
And I was blown by it.
Funny this is that the new avatar is almost like the old one. The lyrics are essentially the same. The music is what it was back then (except a new instrument). And the energy is as much as you expect from a Euphoria song.
And yet for some reason, this time, the song sounded more beautiful. It came across as lot more meaningful. it brought back all the good times that I've spent with sgMS.
To end this, Tum has to be one of the most beautiful songs. Ever.
P.S.: This is the first time I am writing a post with the help of Hemingway app. Do let me know if you like this post any better from the other ones that I've written.
Fast forward to 2014. While browsing random videos on youtube, I stumbled onto this song, Tum. It looked like a modern version of a song that I loved when I was young. Thinking that I may have out-grown the love for a love song, full of mush, I initially wanted to skip it but then something in me asked me to give it a chance and listen to it.
And I was blown by it.
Funny this is that the new avatar is almost like the old one. The lyrics are essentially the same. The music is what it was back then (except a new instrument). And the energy is as much as you expect from a Euphoria song.
And yet for some reason, this time, the song sounded more beautiful. It came across as lot more meaningful. it brought back all the good times that I've spent with sgMS.
To end this, Tum has to be one of the most beautiful songs. Ever.
P.S.: This is the first time I am writing a post with the help of Hemingway app. Do let me know if you like this post any better from the other ones that I've written.
Lovers at Large
Move over AA. There's a new thing in town. Lovers at Large. The idea, the concept is similar to AA but has a wider score.
Just like in AA (where people who have issues with Alcohol gather and talk about things) Lovers at Large (or LL) is a group of jilted lovers who can't seem to get over the separation. And the separation is wrecking havoc in their personal and work lives.
The scope is larger because unlike alcoholics who know the issues that they are facing, the Lovers at Large don't know that they are suffering from longing and separation. And because of this ignorance they continue to suffer.
Needless to say, I, the founding member of LL, have my reasons for creating this support group.
Its just one reason actually. sgMS. The thing is, I cant get over sgMS. And I know she cares and yet she chooses to ignore me (to participate in all assorted, tiny, insignificant social gatherings that she could totally avoid but she does not). I know she's not seeing anyone but has a room full of tall, dark, handsome, rich, funny and successful guys who continue to accost her. And I know I don't stand a chance if she were to compare me to them. What makes my suffering worse is that she has been telling, and consistently forever, that I am not the one for her and yet I continue to hang onto that little thing called hope, waiting for her to come back. Which I think I now know is not happening.
How do I know? There are signs all over the place. If I were a writer, I would say, "I can see dead and mangled bodies of my dreams and hopes scattered all over the place. Each dream killed with as much indifference as one would swat a fly on the wall" and so on and so forth. But I am not. At least not that kinds. But I can see things have changed. And the change looks irreversible.
Today, in fact was the last nail in the coffin. I just got tipped over the edge. I know I would continue to love her. I know I would continue to pine for her. And I would crave for her attention. But starting today, I shall stop making any effort what so ever from my side.
Wait. This is not about her. Its about LL.
So LL is a support group of people who would come together and talk about their issues. Even if one of us can find solution, find peace, find solace in the group, I think I would have achieved the purpose.
So, if you are a lover at large, you know who to talk to. My doors and mailboxes and ears are always open!
Just like in AA (where people who have issues with Alcohol gather and talk about things) Lovers at Large (or LL) is a group of jilted lovers who can't seem to get over the separation. And the separation is wrecking havoc in their personal and work lives.
The scope is larger because unlike alcoholics who know the issues that they are facing, the Lovers at Large don't know that they are suffering from longing and separation. And because of this ignorance they continue to suffer.
Needless to say, I, the founding member of LL, have my reasons for creating this support group.
Its just one reason actually. sgMS. The thing is, I cant get over sgMS. And I know she cares and yet she chooses to ignore me (to participate in all assorted, tiny, insignificant social gatherings that she could totally avoid but she does not). I know she's not seeing anyone but has a room full of tall, dark, handsome, rich, funny and successful guys who continue to accost her. And I know I don't stand a chance if she were to compare me to them. What makes my suffering worse is that she has been telling, and consistently forever, that I am not the one for her and yet I continue to hang onto that little thing called hope, waiting for her to come back. Which I think I now know is not happening.
How do I know? There are signs all over the place. If I were a writer, I would say, "I can see dead and mangled bodies of my dreams and hopes scattered all over the place. Each dream killed with as much indifference as one would swat a fly on the wall" and so on and so forth. But I am not. At least not that kinds. But I can see things have changed. And the change looks irreversible.
Today, in fact was the last nail in the coffin. I just got tipped over the edge. I know I would continue to love her. I know I would continue to pine for her. And I would crave for her attention. But starting today, I shall stop making any effort what so ever from my side.
Wait. This is not about her. Its about LL.
So LL is a support group of people who would come together and talk about their issues. Even if one of us can find solution, find peace, find solace in the group, I think I would have achieved the purpose.
So, if you are a lover at large, you know who to talk to. My doors and mailboxes and ears are always open!
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