M. Money.

Post 2 in series of 30 posts in April. Each about a thing that I am grateful / happy about. Today I will talk about Money! Others in the series are W. 

M. Money.

If you are a regular reader of what I write, you would have noticed that I talk crib a lot about money, poverty, unfairness of life, purpose, reason etc.

Truth be told, I am doing fairly ok for myself. In the sense that I have enough and more to live a upper-middle class lifestyle. I live in a decent house (rented of course). I have the latest iPhone available in the market. I buy the best brands. I eat good quality food. I travel to international destinations often. And so on and so forth. I have enough money in the bank to last me another 6 months if I stop working today.

And I am so thankful and grateful for that. Really am.

Of course a lot of things had to come together to make this happen. I had to get a good hand at the Ovarian Lottery to end up with my parents. They had to have the insight to send my sis and I to good schools. And pay for expensive education. I had to be lucky to get an admit at MDI. I had to have the keeda for learning. And I had to have a certain mention proficiency to be able to absorb things. You see a chain of things that had to work well?

What am I, if not lucky?

So, like I said, I am doing ok. A thing like money has no end to it. I do have enough if my aspirations were limited. If I were a simpleton, I could've retired on what I have!

But. The damn but.

But that's the problem as well. I do not have simple aspirations. They are tall. About 8848m tall. And more. I want to do large things. And to do large things, you need large ideas. Or access to large capital.

I don't have any big ideas to be honest. I am a mere aggregation of other giants that I have had the opportunity to stand on the shoulders of. So if I have to make those inroads and make this world a better place, I need to have access to large amounts of capital. Now I was not born a Baron. So I need to do things that can make me that kind of wealth.

And that can NOT happen with the ideas I have. Or my talent. Or the amount of money I have. And neither it can happen with the potential I have. So I need to work hard, slog and get access to more. And that's what keeps me up at night. The question is not "if". But "when". More on my dreams and ideas and aspirations some other day. Today its about being thankful for what I have.

Over n out.

W. Writing.

Its April. And that means a new financial year is here. That also means its yet another opportunity to start afresh. For this blog and for my writing, it specifically means that I can try and restart writing and creating. So, I am going to attempt to write a blogpost each day in this month. So 30 posts in the next 30 days. Each will be inspired by a thing that I am grateful (or happy or thankful) about in life. I call this Project 30Posts30DaysChallenge (yes I suck with naming conventions but I get things done). 

Here's the post for the day. Starting with W. Couldn't think of anything that starts with A. 

W. Writing. 

Among all things that I am so so thankful for in life is the ability to write. I may not be able to move mountains with what I write but I do think that I can write well. And unlike those super talented people who write so well that each piece is like a masterpiece, it takes a lot of effort for me to write something that is worth reading. So the only way to writing greatness for me is to write more. And the plan is to write so much that even if 1% of what I write is good enough, there is enough for a my audience to consume.

So yeah, I love to write. And I am thankful that I have some amount of talent that allows me to express. I do wish I were better at it. And its something that can of course improve with practise. Just that on the list of things that I want to do in life, writing is not really up there. I mean if I had all the money in the world, I would travel, teach and write. In that order. And if I had money and / or time left, I would play poker.

Why travel? To enrich myself.
Why teach? To learn more.
Why write? To connect with others.

And what would all these things do me? Allow me to become a better version of myself. And then use that to impact the world. Sigh. High hopes, Mr. Garg.

But then I dont have all the money. And that means I need to invest all the time I have to earn money. Like they said, "you're slave to money and then you die." Oh, the good part is, I am getting there in terms of money. I will have abundant money very soon and then I will put this plan (travel, teach, write, poker) in action.

Meanwhile, coming back to the agenda for the evening - writing.

So writing is such an integral part of me that I can not imagine not writing. I've been writing this blog since Jan of 2014. Thats like 14 years! I dont think I've done anything for longer than that!

Writing has helped me express thoughts well, it has helped me make new friends. It has given me the vain satisfaction of seeing my name in a bookstore. Agreed that tnks is not a bestseller but it is a book nonetheless. May be the next one will be. Or the one after that. May be its delayed because I dont see writing as an avenue that could give me enough to make my ends meet?

Thing is I've never been able to make it commercial - there are no blogging awards, no fans, no regular readers. Its just me and and my echo chamber. And may be thats why its not on the priority? Even if I had some people who'd ask me for an update or tell me that they wait for what I write, I would probably be more motivated. Vivek does. But I need more. And I need strangers. Why? Because like everyone else, I often take my people for granted. No am not crying about it. I would continue to write even if I had no readers. Its something that I do not need external validation for.

Anyhow. The point is, there is certain therapeutic value to writing. Its like pouring your grief, your tears, your sadness and your anger and your heart on paper. And its like leaving streaks of happiness, excitement and everything in between on a blank canvas. Of course it helps if you have the words and ideas that could make others share your grief as well. When the entire thing becomes a shared experience. That probably is when you succeed as a writer. Probably.

So yeah. Thats about it for the time being. Writing. One of the things that I am grateful for. First in the list of 30. I dont know what I'd talk about tomorrow. Lets see. Till then, over n out.

P.S.: If you are reading this, tell me what part of my writing has moved you the most? What can I improve. What can I do more of? 

The Monday Diary

So its been about 10 days since I published something here. And its been about 20 days since I made a meaningful post. And the "silence" is deafening. So much so that I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Anyhow. Fuck the poetic shite.

So I have been thinking about the next book for last few days. Thing is, every once in a while someone asks me about the next one and I dont have an answer. Plus I am often at airports (like I was at one yesterday and spotted Sachin's), malls and other such places and I invariably drift towards a book shop and when I see shelves and shelves of books, stacked end up high and people leafing through them and all that, I give in to the weakness and start to pine for the rare, vain and frivolous notion of seeing my name on the bestseller list. While #tnks received generally good reviews, it did not put me on any list. Except it allowed me to tick off a thing from my bucket list.

I really need to give this a shot. I remember I had promised myself that I will write 5 books before I hang my boots pencils. And I've done just one. Need to do more. 4 more at least.

Lemme take a diversion. To avoid some heartburn. To something that's been occupying my head lately. C4E. The day AND night job. Something that I know can make me money wealth. Something that is right at the intersection of all things that I love. Something that I think believe is my life's purpose.

While what we do is supposed to entertain the world and all that, most days are drab. Not drab as in they are drab for bank-tellers (with all due respect) but drab as things take time to move. And there is movement after days, if not months.

Today was one such day. I got early drafts of a website that we are working on. And I was amazed at the range of emotions that came up when I saw just a computer image of the website. Mind you. Just a photo. Its not a website. Its not a MVP. It does not work at all. And its months away from any revenue or impact. But its a step in the direction.

And not just that one website, I saw a few more things come to fruition. I got the first set of prints for the Art Project (where we wish to empower other artists) in my hand. And they look gorgeous. The short film that I had to work on  came out. And they look gorgeous btw. The short film seems to be on track. Little-by-little, step-by-step, brick-by-brick, things that I have envisioned seem to be coming to life. And all these on shoestring budget and just a handful of people. If someone could give me a lever large enough, I could fucking move the Earth! But then, why would someone fund me? They would do it for the money and I cant promise any returns. Hello, reality!

Time for a diversion yet again. The point is, it was a good day. Need to have more of these. The only sad part is that I did not create anything new. If I could change that, I can continue to live the rest of my life exactly like this.

Until next time, over and out.

This close...

If I've ever come close to giving up on the dreams of making it big and working towards the bigness, this is it.

I am this close, as close as it gets to giving up. So much so that I want to pack my bags and leave. To a place where no one knows me and I dont know anyone. Just pack the damn bags and head to a new place, to a new life and restart the goddamn life. Agreed that at 35 I am too old to do this kinda shit but I don't see a way out. I mean don't even see that light at the end of the tunnel.

I know no one else imposed this life on me. I chose this for myself. I made this life. Whatever I have, whatever I dont, all of it is a direct outcome of choices I've made. I can of course cry that I did not get the opportunities that others got. I can whine about the non-existent silver spoon in my mouth. But will the rant matter? No!

All I know is that this is not the life I signed up for (but I probably deserved earned). I need to find the reset button. Or may be, the giveup button. Whatever it is. Need to find it. And hit it.

Work with hands!

One of the things that I had decided I will do #in2018 is to work with my hands. That means I will take up carpentering, painting, guitar, calligraphy, card-tricks or anything of that sort that makes me use my hands. Hands. Fingers.

One may argue that typing is also using hands. Its easy to type and even though you use qwerty and not Dvorak*, its fascinating to see your fingers do the dance on the keyboard. But then writing is for writing. Not for hitting two birds with one stone. You know what am saying?

So, as I think about this, there are few reasons for trying to work with hands. Here's a list.

A. I love action. This essentially means that I need to be able to fidget with something all the time. No no. Not fidgeting with a spinner or a cube. That's just plain consumerism. But fidgeting with something that adds up**.

B. I cant even twist or roll a pen in my hands (you know that thing that a lot of engineers do?). I need to learn that! Or something like that. Why? Why not? Its such a cool thing to do!

C. Finally, its a new skill. I think the day I stop learning is the day I will die. And while I do learn on the job, I do learn with each thing I do, I need to add new things to my repertoire.

I remember a few years back, each month I learnt a new thing (how to solve a Rubik's, remember a randomly shuffled deck of cards, juggle three balls etc). May be I need to bring that theme back? No, none of these will enable me to make a living but these will expand faculties that I don't use right now.

Ergo.


Ok. So I have established that I will use my hands, what would I pick?

There's guitar. That I've tried my hands on since I was in the 9th standard. And I've failed at. Since I was in the 9th standard. Lets just say I don't have what it takes to learn it. Or maybe, I'll pick it up and apply the 20-hour principle? Or may be, I'd do Khartal (that I ordered yesterday).

What do you recommend?

Oh, one more thing. In the end, ladies and gents, the question for you is, what new skill are you acquiring this year?


* I saw a video summary of a book on how to learn any skill in 20 hours. The author changed his keyboard from the start qwerty to a more efficient Dvorak in 20 hours. I don't want to. Because the kind of work I do requires me to work on multiple computers, often in crunch situations. So I want to keep that faculty intact. 

The point is that I can learn a new skill in 20 hours. Why not experiment it on a skill that I requires me to work with my hands? 

**Adding-up has been a consistent theme that has reoccurred in my thoughts last few days. What is adding up? Imagine you were making a pyramid. Every brick you lay makes the wall longer, stronger, higher. Each brick, howsoever small it may be becomes an integral part of the larger wall. Over time, with each insignificant brick, you achieve something large. Think compounding. 

*** Constant learning is the thing that probably gives us the edge. Need to think more on this. Need to talk more on this. 

Writing Off!

Alert. This is a ranty post. Why am I writing this? Because I dont know what else to do about this. I want HAVE to talk about this to someone and get the load off my head. Ideally, talk with a life partner or a business partner. I dont have either. I mean I do have business partners but none of them have any place for emotions in their heads. I also have a few friends and mentors that can lend a patient ear but I am not sure if they understand the battle I go though on a daily basis. Neither do I know if they understand what I am upto in life. I could vent out on the Facebook and twitter but I am not sure what purpose will that serve in all the cacophony around. For that matter, I am not sure what purpose will this blog serve. Once I publish, I will probably forget. But thats the point I guess. To vent out and move on. Here goes. 

So, this stint of working for myself, I started in the Feb of 2015. As I write this, I complete three years of being on my own. And its been one helluva ride. There have been one or two ups and a lot of downs. Its definitely been a great learning experience. Truth be told, I am not really doing that great (compared to how Id be doing if I were working for someone else) but as I think back, I dont think theres anything else that I would have done. There are no regrets, if I may.

However, if I had an option to go back, I would undo a lot of things. Things like never working for someone without taking an advance.

And thats what the rant is about. Stay with me.

In the last three years I must have worked on 20 large projects and about 10 clients (both big and small). And out of those there are 3 clients and 3 large projects that I did NOT get paid for. And I am talking about serious money. About 11 lakhs. In sunk cost and opportunity cost. It may not look like a lot of money to you guys, but to me, its big. Big as in B I G.

The point of this post is to tell myself that I ought to write those off. And write an open letter of sorts to people who get work done and do not pay.

So, here I am. Officially and finally, writing the payment off. I dont really want to name the companies (or the people). Neither do I want to talk about the circumstances which lead to me not getting paid. But there is this thing that I do want to put forth.

Thing is, I am someone who doesnt really have an easily monetizable skill. I am NOT a designer, coder, photographer, fashion blogger, singer, drummer, rich heiress, son of businessman, baker, chef, make-up artiste or anything like that. These people are blessed in the sense that they can make a living whenever they choose and wherever they choose.

Neither am I a career professional who's spent years in a certain industry (or a discipline) with large companies and thus has a CV that can get a super cushy job. Most of my friends from MDI fall in this category.

What I am is a hustler. What is a hustler? You dont know? Stop reading right now. Close the browser. Leave.

People like me, the hustlers, are often the Jacks of all trades. We are aggregators have no marketable skill and often have to fake what we do. We rely on services of others, often working with make-shift teams and arrangements, trying to deliver a great product (or a service) that makes the customer choose us over other more "established" businesses. If I may use a better word, people like me have to hustle and hustle hard to make the ends meet.

And why? For ofcourse the independence. And to make ends meet while hoping that things we do, work on, they add up. Add up bit is important. What do I mean by adding up? That someday all the work we've done, all that we've been through gives us enough name, clout, attention, contacts, relationships, ideas that we can go make that dent in the universe.

So yeah. As long as you get work that adds up, work that continues to pay you and keep the engine going, all is well.

Till the time a client fucks up on the money that is promised to you.

After all, every rupee earned is a tiny step towards that dent. And every rupee lost is a roadblock. When a client decides to not pay, for whatever reasons, they put a roadblock on the path to my progress. In fact I'd say I am dragged back 10 steps - after all, to take up a project I had to let go of other opportunities. No? The other opportunities could mean working on a different project. Could mean that that book I've always wanted to write will have to take the back seat. Why? To earn bread!

In fact, by not paying you dont just put a dent in an individuals meticulous plan for life. But you are an impediment to the whole notion of Karma itself. When you dont pay, you stop, you pull back people like me from realizing their life goals.

You know, the most important commodity is time. And when I invest time... Wait. I dont "invest" time. I "exchange" my time with a client's money. And in this implicit contract, once I have done my part of the deal, I expect and its probably fair for them to hold up their part. And pay up.

But often, they dont. And when that happen that sucks. You are way too small to fight and argue and you'd rather move on. Its just sad.

What makes it worse is that people like me do not belong to the entitled class. We are not big corporations for sure. Neither do we have bankers or VCs on our side to look out for what we work on. More often than not, its an individual like me, trying to hustle hard. To do things, add up and make that dent in the universe.

The simple act of momentarily selfishness by a client stops the wheel of life. And thats not a cool thing to do. No?

So, dear big companies, rich men and other such people, next time you get someone like me to do something, please PLEASE PLEASE pay up! For you its probably loose change. But for someone like me, it could be a shot at a better life.

Thank you!

P.S.: Here's a pledge. I WILL always pay once I have agreed on a number. Even if you take me for a ride, you dont deliver, you do shoddy work, you dont meet expectations, I am willing to understand and give you that extra chance. After all if people like me will not pay it forward, who will? 

Untitled / 11 Feb 2018

One of those posts where I ramble without an agenda. While I decided that I will do these on sgEchoChamber, I am doing this here because I want to maximise the odds of serendipity. How? Topic for a different post. This one, read at your peril. 

Last night two few days back, I wrote this open letter to Steve Jobs. While I havent been ridiculed by anyone for it, yet, while I was thinking about it, when I re-read it, I was like, the fuck dude. I want whatever you are tripping on! Maal must be so good. No?

Thing is, I need to know that life does not work like that. You know that song? The Bittersweet Symphony? You know what it says? "You're slave to money and then you die." That. All you do is try to make ends meet. Everything else is an illusion. Sooner I get that in my head, better it is.

I may want to change the world and make a dent and impact lives and inspire people and all that but fact of the matter is, at this day, I am nothing but an epitome of mediocrity. For the 35 years that I've been here, what is that one thing that I can be super-proud of? Nothing!

I am not successful by any metric -- societal (dont have a family, dont own a house, dont own a car, bank balance runs in low 5-figures, both my companies are small tiny etc), personal (I am unhealthy, get frequent mood swings, have less friends than fingers on my hands etc), evolutionary (dont plan to procreate, I am short, bald etc). All I am is a middle-aged man trapped among voices in my head that bounce around and get louder by the day. The kinds that makes people delusional. Delusional. Thats the word that defines me.

Wait. I may not be that either. The ones that are delusional actually have blind faith in their capabilities and they actually do great things. I dont. I am waddling in mediocrity. And the worst part is that I feel helpless about it. I want to change things but I cant. I am stuck! I think I need more resources - time, talent, people etc. How do I get those? May be if I had money to put in?

Money, Mr. Garg, cant be the root! There has to be more.

I mean I dont know. There are people who start from scratch and zero money and do amazing things. Most startup guys are in this category. They are driven and they keep at it till they make money. Then I know of people who are paupers and somehow get married to rich heiresses and then build their empire on top of the largess that they get from the family (of course they are good and know what to do with that money). Then there are people who get lucky (seated next to a big dude in the plane, etc). And there are people that inherit legacies and then they work hard to make em larger. And finally, there are people like Saul, who build churches atop rocks create empires on top of crimes. Well, not crime as in crime but something that the society would frown upon!

Irrespective of the route they take, people do amazing things. So amazing that the world takes a note. And their work impacts people around them. And in most cases, people away from them. Here's a slide that I use when I speak to prospective hires, investors, partners and others (P.S. this is an always WIP deck and hence this is a WIP slide).

EACH one has had impact on more than just their immediate circle. Hope you get the drift. Drift reminds me that am drifting.

Coming back.

The point is, this post is full of self-doubt and self-flagellation and all that. Which is ok I think. Once in a while I need to be grounded as well. Like someone once told me, "dar mujhe sachet rakhta hai" (fear keeps me aware). Posts like these allow me aware. And make me take a break and reflect and think.

Hopefully, someday, the clouds will part and sun will shine through. And as they say, someday all this will make sense. May be it will not. May be it will remain one of those unfinished things that I will take to my grave? May be I will get to it in 2881 days? Who knows.

What I know is, I ought to keep walking.

Dear Steve,

A friend asked me, "if you were to write to Elon Musk about your aspirations and ambitions and what you want to do in life, how would you?"

This blogpost is in response to that. But before that, few caveats.

• I will NOT write to Elon. Rather, I would email Steve. Thing is, the outcome and vision and purpose-driven approach of Elon is fascinating and exciting. But Steve, the legend, is what is inspiring. I love the fact that he was a hustler (compared to an Elon that is a tinkerer). 
• I'd assume that ambition is personal, more tangible. And aspiration is little more altruist. Read more here. 

So, here's the letter. 

Dear Steve,

Thank you.

For being who you were are. And being an inspiration that makes me want to do more and make that dent. Or ding. Or whatever.

It is you who taught me that our actions must create consequences. Consequences that are larger than self. Larger than our imagination.

It's by following you (and your actions and your words) over the years that I have understood my limitations. And I have found ways and means to overcome those limitations. I still suck at getting things done but I am getting there. All thanks to you.

Thanks to you, I know that the only thing that limits us, is our imagination. You taught me how to think big. You taught me to take tiny steps and keep at it till you reach there. You showed me the power of setting lofty goals and challenging what we thought was possible. Thank you, Steve.

Steve, I write to you to seek a favour. Will you please indulge me? I want to talk about what my aspirations are. And I want to talk about my ambitions and what I want to do in life.

Steve, when I look at the world around me, I see so much potential getting wasted in frivolous things. Things that dont add up. Things that dont add value. Things that dont create. Lemme give you an example. Today, I was coming back from work in a train and I saw a young couple arguing about a mobile game. And they were stuck on the game for the 20 minutes it took the train to reach my destination. And they werent happy. What if they could use that time to learn a new thing (by seeing a TED talk, or by reading a book or by watching a tutorial or something). Or at least debate about how they's plan their finances!

The world would be such a better place if that happened.

You know that's what I want to work on. Make people more aware about our limited time here. You talked about in your Stanford address. I was lucky to have seen it. Someone needs to talk to them as well. And inspire them to do more with their time. Of course someone may argue that its all pointless (we die, our kids die, our kids's kids and the world will eventually come to an end and all that we stand for, all that we create will amount to nothing) but I know that while we are alive, when people are creating, they are lost in the work. They get in the flow and the flow is the closest that it comes to Nirvana. The little things that make life miserable cease to exist when you are creating. Reminds you to Carl's Pale Blue Dot.

Life suddenly starts looking so much better. No?

This, Steve, is my aspiration. This is what I really want to do. Its fuzzy AF. The fuzziest thing that I've ever thought about. But I believe that there's merit. 

And what is my ambition?

I want to push limits.

Physical, mental, emotional. And at other levels that us humans can experience.

I know that I am not sorted in the head. There are times when I am elated that I am jumping with joy for no reason and there are times when I so sad that I just want to sleep. But Steve, most days when I wake up, the world does look like a great, inspiring place. Life looks like a "journey" that is worth taking. There are so many people doing so many things that you thought humans were incapable of. Look at Elon. Wait. Look at Wright Brothers or whoever made the first aircraft. They allowed us to fly. Look at Elon. He will not rest till he has colonised Mars!

While I want to push limits, Steve, I know that I am a drifter. I've never had the clarity in terms of where I want to end up. I also know that I dont have one specific talent that I can dig at till I make that dent. I am a proverbial Jack of all trades and I am happy being one. Thing is, I love this drifting. I love that I can walk the surface of a lot of disciplines. I know this is best suited for someone with a lot of money. But its ok. I will make my money. Ok, I am drifting while writing the letter. Coming back. Steve I want to push limits and in the process, inspire others.

In fact, lately, I have started to realise that I get immense happiness and satisfaction and I sleep well at night when I am able to inspire others. And help others. And enable others. Enabling. Thats where the Gold is. Thats what I want to do. Enable.

Now enabling is too broad. If I were to put enabling in a box, I'd say I want to enable a billion people to live better lives.

Billion people. 

Better Lives. 

And how do I define better? Well, better means that if they are poor, I enable them to live in relative comfort and happiness. If they are unhappy, I put on the red ball on my nose and dance for them. If they need access to opportunities, I want to give them that. If they need  inspiration to do more, I want to inspire them.

I want to be the thing, the jester, the platform that enables people to be better. I hope you get the drift. 

One of the ways in which I can do this, is by doing amazing things and by doing em so well that I inspire people. To do more. To #bebetter. And to #livebetter, and #workbetter.

So, my second aspiration, if I may have more than one, is to make the world a better place. And do it by enabling people to be better versions of themselves. And while I become the enabler, my life (where I achieve a set of seemingly super-tough goals -- each goal must push human limits, such as, make a billion dollars, run a marathon in less than 4 hours, live till 120 and more) and my actions and my conduct become a source of inspiration. Just like your life was, Steve.

Thats about it I guess. Phew.

Thanks for reading.

Your's Faithfully,
Saurabh Garg

The Urban Nomads

So, yesterday day before few days ago at a cruise ship in HCMC, we were doing an event for the Indian offices for a UK based company. And one of the acts was a Filipino band that had two singers, one of them a Cuban.

Picture this. Retro English pop. In Vietnam. Arranged by a French woman who works for a company owned by an American. Artists from Cuba and Philippines. For guests from India and UK.

I dont even know how many countries is that. But I do know one thing. The mobility and opportunities that you have if you are an artist and are talented!

Thing is, I think that talent allows you to live wherever you wish to. And that is such a fascinating life to have!!

You know what am saying? You can choose a country you wish to live in. If you are talented enough, you can make enough to pay for your bills, and then some more. You can make friends that are not just accidental. You can chase your craft. You can hone it while you earn your bread by performing. You can see sex and cash in action. You know, you happen to things, rather than things happening to you!

Lemme park the talent bit for a while and drift.

***

There is this thing called the Urban Nomad. Its essentially refers to people that live in urban locales and yet are not tethered to a particular location. These people dont own anything that ties them down to one place (immovable assets, large families, a job that requires you to goto office everyday etc etc). You are free to move across borders and all that. And these people are skilled in one particular discipline that is in demand across borders (painters, photographers etc) and thus they can fend for themselves. Oh, and modern world is introducing lot more professions that allow you to become an urban nomad. Think of those bloggers, language tutors, Yoga instructors, chefs, entertainers and more.

And why am I talking about this? Because I have had this fascination with being an urban nomad and at various times in life I have thought of multiple ways in which I could become one. At different points in time, I have considered becoming a designer, a coder, a photographer, a writer, a yoga instructor, an English language teacher and / or more (assuming I can be all of these).

But then I've, sort of, held back myself for three reasons.

A, I know I am way too good to be cast in just one mould (and at the same time, not that good that I am in top 1%ile of any). This means that its in my karma to be never satisfied. I will run from one thing to another and my life will be defined by "chase" rather than "destination."

B. I've wanted / still want a luxurious life for myself. Ok, not luxurious but abundant life. Where I dont have to think for 5 months (or wait for a stupid cashback scheme) to buy an iPhone X (PS: RG gifted me one and I couldn't say no. Thank you, sir). Where I know I can travel business class without any fear (of poverty) or guilt (of splurging when my parents dont even travel in the plane). Where I know I have provided for enough to discharge my duties as a son and a brother and a friend. Where I know that if I were to take off, people would be happy and will not miss me. There is more. But I am sure you get the drift.

C. I dont want to live as someone who came, saw, enjoyed and left. My epitaph has to mean something. I want to give back. I want to pay it forward. I want to make an impact. And that can not happen if I an urban nomad, drifting from one place to another and one opportunity to another.

So yeah. I have wanted to travel the world and see the sights and soak in the experiences and meet new people and taste the different flavours that the world has to offer and talk to new people and learn all I could and all that. But then I've held back.

***

Coming back. This That evening at the boat where I saw that Cuban lady, the painful memories of the time when I wanted to move out of the country came back rushing to me. To the extent that my heart actually started aching. And ache as in ache. Like I had to sit down and sip on a glass of water.

But then, I realised that am not talented enough to chase nomadic life. Neither am I someone who has what it takes to hold onto a stable job that can pay me well enough to provide for my family. And I am miles away from the impact. So, I cant. And I need to accept it and put this on the list of things that I could not do (other things include play Cricket for India).

Also, I am reminded of this wonderful post by one of the giants that I stand on the shoulders of, Jan Chipchase. He recently wrote about moving to a new place, a new country. He says if you stop learning, you become obsolete and the best way to continue to learn is to move to a place that challenges you and makes you learn. And he says that the hardest part is making the decision.

For me, I think thats where it is. The #lifeGoal.

I want to be a nomad. I want to explore the world. Learn new things and make the fucking dent. But then, how do I...  leave my family behind? run away from my "responsibilities"? do this at this ripe old age of 35? Etc.

Any ideas?

Oh, I believe that I am one of those birds that hates to be caged!

From Shawhank. 

P.S.: One of the ways in which I can do this is by becoming a famous author. That allows me to make an impact (I will have an audience), travel (to talk about my book, on book tours etc) and provide for my responsibilities (royalty etc). But then odds of getting successful as an author as tiny as me hitting a royal flush on my first hand at the WSOP ME (whenever I get to it). 

On failing. And getting back up.

As the first month of 2018 is officially over, here's a time to look back. Without trying to link back to posts and give evidence of promises, here is a list of things that I failed (and won) at, #in2018.

In no order,

A. I decided to take up the 2019in2018 challenge. Was on it for a few days in the beginning of the year but with time I lost the plot.

I want to end the year at 30" and its going to take superhuman effort from here on. A large part of it will be diet. And a smaller part (not so small) will be working out. I had thought that I will start with daily walks, easing into jogs and then eventually a run. Ending in an attempt at HM. But January has been disappointing. Lets see whats in store for Feb.

B. A few people I know IRL went and came back from JLF. And their twitter feeds tell me that as someone who's interested in the writing scene, I ought to be there. To be honest, not sure if I want to be on the stage at all the litfests around the world but would love to have an opportunity to be at a place where my books are sold.

No, I dont want fame. I merely want to tell stories, create time to write and of course make money. I am ok if my books get published under a pseudonym and all I get is royalties. Actually, thats an idea there. Need to think more.

Back to the point. I want to get the second book out. And I want to get #BetterYou out this year. Both are stuck. Because I dont have time to work on em. And why do I not have the time? Because I am stuck in the rut :(.

Ok. Cribbing.

Point is, need to get back to writing.

C. I wanted to work on my waning mental faculty. For the same, I wanted to start with these app-based games that apparently train the brain. And, I've been able to more or less do this!

Yay!

So, a win. Phew.

Been playing on Peak and havent missed too many days. And there's a marked improvement in my scores. May be I am getting used to the games that Peak makes me play. May be I am actually improving. Irrespective. A win. Something that is needed to create habits (you know, the trigger, action, reward triad?)

D. I had started posting a pic a day on my instagram last year.  It went well for a few days and then I lost the plot. All those things that they say that make habits if you do something for 21 days? Yawn.

I need to restart it. For two reasons. One, it allowed me to stay curious about the world around me. And, two, it made me a better photographer and a storyteller. Every pic I uploaded, I would think about what the pic meant to me and I would be forced to pen my thoughts bout em.

Did you follow the thread? You want to tell me what you liked about it most?

Just realised that I still have issues with means or meant. Present tense, past tense and all other tenses. Need to fix em. Where do I start? 

E. I dont know if I have spoken about this earlier but I've been tracking each day of my life since (well, most days) 23 May 2017. I started with a daily log of work and all and with time I have expanded it and most days I track 32 variables. Starting 26 Jan 2018, I have started tracking what I eat. And since day before I've started tracking some 20 other tiny things on Nomie (inspired by Thej). I dont know what would I do with all the data but I like the feeling that I will be able to look back at a random date and see what I was upto.

For example, on 12 Aug 2017 (I promise I cooked up this date to give you a case in point), I did the following...

• Was in Delhi for an event at Andaz (which is an awesome hotel)
• Met Vanita, Kunal, Ankit 
• Spoke to Jinal and Parry about things that they are working on 

You get the drift? 

So, net net, its a win. It keeps me grounded. Keeps me going. Gives me a semblance of stability in a world that is in perpetual chaos. 

F. I started maintaining a daily journal at the beginning of the year. Again, after the first week  I havent been able to do much about it. Will restart it. I think I got stuck with it because I did not know to write on it. Do you maintain one? What do you write on it? 

G. I have not played pool in 2 months I think. Before I did that big project at Bangalore last year, I was getting in 2-3 sessions a week. I need to find a way to spend more time around home. May be on the Maker days? Start with a session of squash / yoga, shoot some pool, write and create. Thrice a week. Lol. Wishful thinking, Mr. Garg. 

H. As I write this, I am in HCMC, trying to put together an event for a client. And since I've been here, I havent done any of those "daily" things that I am supposed to do (Peak, photos on insta, writing, daily journal etc). I realised that its tough to do anything when you are on the road. Immense respect to the ones who are on the road and get things done. How?

Oh, and I carried a pair of running shoes with me on this trip, hoping I will go for a run each day. Lol, high hopes. 

***

So, yeah, that was January of 2018. Not exactly what I wanted it to be. I remain cognisant and aware. Lets buck up in February and beyond. 

PS: While writing this post I realised that the marathon, lit fest and others are all "properties" owned by event companies. Why can't I be the one to create something like this? #note2self and to Team @ C4E.