Anatomy of an ugly day, Dubai 2018, Day 04

If Day 3 was bad, Day 4 was ugly (read about the good and the bad). And ugly as in painful to the point where you want to die. I kid you not. I wanted to escape Dubai and go back home. Not to someone but home. A physical space (that even though is rented, I can call my own). And why home? Because I have my comfort zone there.

Lemme pause here.

I want to talk about three things today. My comfort (and the comfort zone), money and attachment detachment (conundrum).

A. Comfort Zone
Thanks to the day that has gone by, I now know the meaning of comfort zone. All my life when I’ve said that I’ve always stepped out of my comfort zone, I’ve merely pretended.

Now I know what is discomfort. Now I know what is pain. And I dont mean philosophically - I mean for real! Literal pain. Lemme elaborate.

When I say I am old, I mean it. I like my things in a certain manner and if there is even a slight deviation from things, I get fucked in the head. For example, when I dont get an AC I cant function. When someone speaks rudely to me, I get fucked for days, if not for weeks. I’d never survive with Fletcher (Whiplash). I would give up. I need my space and my time to be able to do great things. I may not be the gifted one but I want to be the one who worked the hardest and I dont need grief for it.

I am digressing. So I said I am someone who wants to live in comfort. This means I want things that are in working condition, clean, new, hygienic and all that. 

This trip to Dubai, with all due respect to the friend who is hosting me, he is after all a bachelor, I haven’t found the conditions that I think are bare minimum for living. That means he is ok with things being unorganised. I on the other hand suffer from OCD and I get sleepless nights if all objects on the table are not aligned well. So I am not happy about the cleanliness and all that. Thing is, back home, labour is cheap and we have a million people to help on things and in Dubai, there are no maids and that means its a lot of work keep things maintained. And you cant expect someone living by himself to work hard for hours and then go back to cleaning things. 

And no, I dont have the energy to fix it. If I were to spend my energy fussing over things like that, I was happy staying in India. At least the psycho maid gets shit done even if its too much effort. The point of being away from Mumbai was to not have anything that could potentially fuck my happiness. I think I need an assistant. Lol. Any applicants? 

So, anyhow, to cut the long story short, I am finding it impossible to be in peace and thus, finding it impossible to think and all that.

As I write this, one voice in my head (don’t know which one - rationalising, patronising, the one that wants me to give up or any other) is asking me to rush to a hotel that is comfortable and offers a nice view and all that and just focus on the task at hand. The other side of me (again, I dont know which one is asking me to battle is out).

The third voice in my head is evaluating all this and telling me that I am such a fool to heed to these thoughts. Mark Zuckerberg is influencing public perception, Elon Musk is sending rockets to moon, Jeff is the richest man, Bill is eradicating diseases etc. And here I am, talking of comfort and all that.

The fourth voice is telling me that all those people have been able to do all of that because the basic needs are taken care of and while I may be old, I am still struggling to make ends meet!

You see, I am like the Ravana with multiple heads and multiple voices - each in sharp contrast to each other. 

Coming back. So yeah, comfort is a challenge. 

B. Money.
So, money is important and all that. And money is not important either.

Important: While money may not buy happiness (I dont agree to this - it may not be able to buy happiness, it can definitely make life more comfortable and comfortable life is very similar to a happy life).

Not important: I’ve always had this notion that the kind of money I have, if I save a large part of it, it will never add up to even a crore in the next 5 years! And the amount that I dont save can upgrade my lifestyle by a few notches. Its a battle between promise of a bank balance of a crore in the next 10 years. Or a better lifestyle for the time that I have right now. 

I am thus better off spending that money and enjoying life. 

So I think I can not let the limitness of money guide my decisions. So, for example, when I travel, I want to travel in luxury. I cant do backpacking or something. Lemme give a further example here. Some people say that a hotel is not important as you spend just the hours you sleep. I on the other hand want it to be nice because not being able to sleep fucks up the experience of the day. 

So when I am not at home, I spend money like I own all the money in the world. To the point of being wasteful about it. Which is not cool to be honest. But then I have rationalised it to myself, by telling myself that it saves me anguish and grief and brains and thought and all that. And I am absolutely ok with that notion.

And why am I talking about this? Because Dubai as a city is expensive af. 

Funnily, one to the key criteria of choosing Dubai as the destination for the break was the low cost. I was under the impression that it will be cheap and convenient. This is turning out to be anything BUT cheap. Or convenient. Each ride (taxi, Uber or Metro) is expensive beyond imagination. Lemme share numbers. I’ve been here 4 (plus 1) days here as we speak and I’ve spent 40 fucking thousand! 40000. The amount of money I spend in a month when am in Mumbai (which is not cheap by any standards either). On top of that is money I’ve spent on tickets (and rescheduling). This is easily the most expensive trip of my life. For lesser than this, I’ve done 3 weeks in Europe some years ago. Again for little less than this, I did 3 weeks in America in 2013 or so! If I add the money that I am going to spend on the hotel (if I want my comfort back), the number will probably become enough to buy me a RTW, three times over. And PS I know of people who are paid by the world to travel. And I know people who’ve been to a 100+ countries and have done it on the back of their points! 

If I know these giants who are so anal about their plans and all that, I am probably the greatest fool in the world to have taken the break without any planning per se. Maybe I am.

Break.
If this sounds like a whiny man, I am sorry. I am merely presenting facts. 

Back to work. 

C. The attachment detachment conundrum. I’ve been here 4ish days now and I did not miss anyone in the last few days. Not my parents, not my sister, not my friends, not my work, not my girl, not my muses, not my people and not my place. May be I will miss them when I am miserable. I am not miserable right now (I am on the edge though). Is it good to be devoid of emotions? And what is a man if there are no emotions? As I write this, I am listening to “uske the jo sapne, wohi uske they apne, aisa tha Sindbad the Sailor. Am I Sindbad? I'd probably never find out. And as they say, a different decision, reserved for a different day. 

Thats about it I guess for today's post.

One More Thing Few More Things
D.1. The other thing that has happened is that I've learnt that I can not manage the Keto diet while I am here. One of the original goals was to lose weight and get fitter while I am here. That is not happening for sure. I tried and I did buy paneer and eggs on my first day here. I managed it for 2 days but it just became too difficult to manage. Difficult, mind you. Not impossible. So, I took the easy way out. Quit. 

D.2. I met a senior from MDI for a coffee and while narrating my life story, I told him that "I am no petty thief. I wanted the whole world or nothing" 

Reminded me of the promise with which I started. Gave me the spring in the step to bounce back and come from the slump. I promise I will. Day 5 on, things WILL become better. Will post things here.

The Silver Lining
So, this is the first time when am trying to live (live as in live, not visit or travel) in a different country and think on things. Even though I am creature of habit, am loving the unfamiliarity (what familiarity Mr. Garg? You may be in dubai but you are still at Starbucks! May be. But context is unfamiliar. And do you see the power of global brands?). I love that I am catching up on sleep when I am in transit (because I cant sleep at home). I like that I am walking so much and ducking in and out of places and I am taking decisions that I was not taking back home. This is a new me. I've not experienced anything like this. 

Plus I am loving the idea that I am a stranger in place that I dont know about. I’ve always romanticized the idea. I hope Vivek is reading this. And even better is that I am not just living like a nomad, I am actually here on a mission, for a purpose. To figure out where I want my life to move. And I love the idea, the mere thought, that I can move anywhere and try to setup the new. This is probably how those travellers in the times gone by would've felt?

Just that I need to ensure that these things make money. 

So, yeah. While this post is about things that are going wrong, the silver lining is that I am now VERY sure that I will take similar trips at least once a year, if not twice or more times. 

Where can I go next? I am thinking a cold place that has a 24-hours library (to work out of) and a gym or a swimming pool close by. 

Just that next time I will be better prepared.

Summary?
I’ve realised that I want comfort and I cant survive without comfort. Thats not a great thing. I always thought I could. Need to think more on it. As Guru Ji taught, this too shall pass, this will INDEED pass. 

I will have to see times when I won’t have the money to just book a ticket and take off. Or escape from an unclean room to fancy hotel at the swipe of a card.

Thank you for reading this! 

Saurabh Garg
April 16, 2018
Dubai

Update. I got myself a hotel. And its been such an amazing decision. Should've done this sooner. And see this ad when you get time...

Anatomy of a bad day, Dubai 2018, Day 03

Today was Day 3 in Dubai. I dont have much to report (nothing of importance happened) but I know what to talk about. Remember yesterday's post? I said that yesterday was a good day. And why? I slept well, ate well, did some work, thought some, I even went for a run (even though it was more of a walk for 2 KMs), learn a few new things and all that.

By that metric, today was as fucked up as a day could be. I did not one of the things that I've listed above! Kid you not. Not one. And on top, I ate a wholesome Indian meal (that means carbs). And I blew money on like a million Diet Pepsis. Goodbye Keto or great teeth!

Keto reminds of that old quip that I've always had. That if I could get some pills that I could just chew on to get the nutrition that my body requires, I'd do that? With Keto, I think I've found the solution. Just that its super hard to arrange for the food. With the Food Darzee subscription, I am sorted for the time I spend in Mumbai. Its just that when I travel, I get fucked. Like last night I had egg curry and paneer parantha. In Dubai. And considering it was made here, it was delicious. And since I've been starving myself for last few days (in absence of Keto options and erratic schedule), I probably enjoyed it all the more. Brings me to another point. I am trying to listen to Geeta as I walk. Now, I am not religious per se but I find that Geeta has quite a few observations about conduct and life and Karma and other things. And for reason, I tend to agree to those. One of the observations in Geeta is about the ability to tame senses that seek pleasure. The question is, does good food merely nourish your body? Or it gives your senses that, well, sensory kick? Answers? Thoughts? 

So yeah. Back to the day.

Like I said already, it was one big giant blur because I had to help a friend and attend the Seamless conference with him. It's a great show. The kinds that I would want to create. I would love to be in the similar business! Rant for another day. For the time being, here are my raw notes from the venue (edited slightly)

• Exhibitions actually work - how can I use these for our advantage? Not as an organiser but as a company, an individual.  
• I have to be better dressed. FAR BETTER!
• Need to get a new domain to send newsletters. Say c4enewsletter.com or c4eReach.com for sending out emails. 
• I need to have a great story to tell and it has to be a story that I believe in. Because if I dont believe in it, I will not be able to sell it with conviction. And the ones that don't have conviction, often get caught! 
• Rather than selling things that people often do not want (and thus they avoid you and all that and relegate you as a mere vendor), you need to have something that people want from you. 
• I will get a lot of flak for this but people outside India are really dumb. They get stuck in this whole work-life balance thing and work by the clock and thus just do that one thing that they are supposed to do. And thus they dont explore things that could make them wiser and better and sharper and all. PS: by dumb I mean people are typically lost and they dont try hard enough. They are content with whatever they have! I mean they want to make money and all that but they want that effing work-life balance as well! 
• Is there a merit in creating a business outside India? That takes advantage of the dumbness of people and yet delivers value? 

It was probably the only good thing I did this. For a change, I participated in there like an exhibitor and the business opportunities are immense. Must make it a point to visit every exhibition and talk to people. 

So yeah. That was that. 

Also, just realised that I have spent one-third of my break on doing frivolous things. I have about 10 more days to go and I am nowhere close to a decision or a movement on any of the thousand goals I had. I am not reading, I am not thinking, I am not running, I am not eating well. I dont have a life plan. I dont have any notes on what are the ethos that I want to live by. 

Heck why am I here then? I could’ve stayed back in Mumbai and used this lakh on something tangible! 

Brings me to a point. Why do we travel? Do give pleasure to our senses? Or to make the world jealous? I have a definitive thought on this (to experience new things and to run away) but its for a longish blogpost. I'll probably write it one of these days. What do you think why do we travel?

And last but not the least, what can I do to use the rest of my time well?

-
Saurabh Garg
April 15, 2018
Dubai

Anatomy of a good day, Dubai 2018, Day 02

Few of my favourite things. #suckerForBrands #loveRed @Apple @Starbucks @StarbucksIndia #note2self #loveMyLife #gratitude pic.twitter.com/4IqNZttwsM

— SG (@saurabh) April 14, 2018

Day 2 in Dubai. Technically third day but I am not counting the day I arrived here. So, day 2. Here's a list of things that I did yesterday...

• Woke up early. Went to a Starbucks. Read and wrote and day-dreamt for about 4 hours. Published this and this.
• Ate a late lunch. It included loads of Diet Coke and some bit of boiled rice. 
• Roamed around Dubai. Did not go to a single touristy place (except a large departmental store to buy groceries for Keto). Soaked in sights and sounds and smells and conversations and Diet Coke. 
• Had peanut butter for dinner and slept early. Sleep is still fitful to be honest - second day on the trot that I havent been able to sleep well. Need to work on this. 
• No exercise.
• Blew like 30K in the last few days even though I am staying with a friend (large pieces of expenses are running shoes - lol, AirPods (which are amazing AF), groceries and commute (Uber is expensive AF here)).

Apart from this, I was pretty ok. I did not have any dark clouds shrouded over my head. I was, for a change, not worried about the future. While Dubai is not the place for poor or for middle-class people on holidays, I would've ideally been fucked in the head for things but I did ok. 

So how could I do this? What enabled me? Here's a list. 

• While I am here, I am on a break. That means that I dont have a full-time job that mandates that I spend my time (physically and mentally) occupied with something. I am so relaxed that its not funny. I would love to remain in this state for perpetuity. But then, I know that life is not meant to be relaxed. Need to learn the difference between a cook and a chef. 
• I have access to some savings (hardwork over the last year with Rajesh and VISCOMM). And since in general I am not worried about how and where I spend my money, I am ok with the expensive lifestyle. I mean who buys water for 140 bucks at a Starbucks? Back home in India, I must be drinking like 5 litres of water while I am Starbucks. For free! 
• Since I am at a place where I dont have access to a phone, this essentially means I am away from all the "news"(updates from my parents, friends etc). Plus the guy who calls me the most (Vivek) is also travelling with limited access to phone / data. Plus I had recently pruned by twitter list to about 100 following. All this put together means I have NO distractions. Also, since I am not at home, I am not managing any chores per se. This has freed up time as well. 

Tried hard to think of other things but I could not. So, it boils down to having time for yourself and having enough resources to fill that time with things that matter to you. And eliminating distractions. Not really rocket science per se. 

Can this be done over long term? Dont think so. Wait and read more. 

Before that. An enquiry. Is this life worth living? Where I dont have relationships and I dont create anything that adds value (#note2self: write on value) and just spend all my time in enquiry, thought and chase of mental orgasm. You know, I'd rather create! More on this over the next few days (hopefully).

So, here are some lessons (and interpretations and introspections and realisations). 

A. Its tough for me to be alone. I need a constant companion. I dont crave for affection or attention or sex or anything like that. I just like someone around. In most cases I tell that someone to stay shut while I am doing my thing. But I want someone. I dont know how to put this. Weird. But I cant be alone. I this need to find someone who could be a companion. Not a spouse. Not a business partner. Not a soulmate. A companion. More I think on this, more fucked up I get.

But I am admitting that I need someone. Not a great idea that you need someone around to be able to conquer the world. Will probably think more on this and work towards eliminating this craving need.

B. I need a purpose to wake up. If I dont, I cant wake up in the morning. Since I've come here, I have this constant itch to go out and do.

Why? Because this trip has a purpose. I wish to find answers. I want to ensure that I live my life on my terms and do things that wont make me regret my choices when I am 80. I am here to find the answers.

And then to go back home (am glad that even though I am enamoured about the shiny-ness of Dubai, I still want to go back) and do things that I wish to do.

Get the drift? 

So as I grow old, I need to continue to have that carrot dangling. Something that makes me continue the chase - even if I am unable to (for whatever reason - health, time, brain etc). I need to find that muse that continues to illude me. 

C. I quite love the change in scenery. While this could relate to cutting off from your present (move to a different place for a week or so to think and ponder), I am talking about a micro-thing here.

I typically work from a Starbucks. After I've spent an hour or two here, I start to crave for a walk or something. And then post that break, that walk, I dont want to come back to the store where I was at. 

One simple solution could be that I work for a few hours from a certain place (coffee shop, office etc) and then get up to take a break (get something to eat, coffee etc) and then go to another place to work (work or coffeee shop). No shit, Sherlock! 

So once I go back, I need to create this life for me. Divide the week into maker-manager, day into chunks of 4 hours each and time slots in 25 mins. And then identify those places where I would work from. 

D. I love to spend money. Again, this is not new. I've known this that I love to spend money. Not spend on frivolous things. But spend on getting good things. I dont go and buy random expensive watches or toys or whatever. My benchmark is simple. I want great function and even greater form. If what you make can amuse me, make me smile and make me wonder, you have a convert. 

In fact these are the general principles that lead me in my decisions and output. Idea is to create things that can amuse, entertain, and above all, inspire others! This HAS to be the guiding principle of how I work once I am back. For C4E and for others.

***

So yeah, this is how day 2 was spent. Lets see what the next day has in store. Over n out.

-
Saurabh Garg
April 14, 2018
Dubai

The Rite of Passage, Dubai 2018, Day 01

In most cultures, traditions, societies, civilizations, communities, when a man has learnt enough and is ready to be the "person in charge", he is often sent on a trip, a rite of passage of sorts where he comes of age. He comes back better and stronger and is ready to discharge the higher duty - the purpose for which he's been sent, or created, if you will. In fact in his seminal work, Hero With A Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell talks about the journey that any Hero has to undertake to find resolution to the conflict that requires his heroism. And while the Hero is on the journey, he often discovers who he really is.

As an individual and a storyteller, I've always been fantasised about such a journey.

As an individual, I've longed for that unknown adventure that makes me better, stronger and richer. That helps me discover my true purpose. That tells me what I ought to do. That guides me. And makes me richer - richer as in emotionally and mentally. And of course financially ;). Make me stronger - as in a stronger personality that can impact lives and things around me. And make me better - as in a better human being. So that I am not swayed by this newfound strength or wealth.

As a storyteller I want to observe, capture and narrate the story of someone who's taking the journey. I want to tail the someone and experience with him the highs & lows, the trials & tribulations, the wins & the losses and everything else in between.

Blame it on my innate curiosity, by being the traveller and the writer, I've wanted to evaluate and understand if the trip, the journey is worth taking. I mean, what the heck! Every Hero seems to have taken the journey. For example, The Pandavas took to Vanvas and Agyatvas before they could battle it out and claim what was apparently rightfully theirs (Pandavas come to mind because I am consuming Geeta on this break).

There must be something that happens on those trips! There are umpteen examples. These stories and the journeys are scattered all over the place - in popular culture, in mythology, in even those little tales that we create for ourselves.

I tried to find people who've taken these and come out better. But I couldn't locate anyone. So I thought, may be it's about time I took one myself?

Thing is, for someone like me who loves to shoot from the hip (and do things before I think them through), if I were really fascinated by the journey, I would've probably taken it by now.

But of course I haven't.
May be because I am not sure if I am ready to go on the journey.
May be I don't feel the need to go and discover myself and come back stronger or more mature or whatever.
May be I am scared, like it happens with all such things.

But then the call of the adventure, the beckoning got the better of me and I planned the trip. Tentatively at first. And with more gusto and conviction eventually. Probably because the longing got to me. Reminds me of what Anais Nin said, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

If you replace risk with pain (or charm), you'd know where I am coming from.

So, fast-forward three months. Here I am! At a Starbucks (where else) somewhere in Dubai. Trying to discover things. Today is first day!

Even though I am here and it's the first day, there is that fear, that tentativeness in my thoughts and actions. Truth be told, as I approached the date of travel, I tried to cancel this trip on multiple pretexts. I even postponed the trip by a few days. I was that scared!

Fear. I always thought I wasn't the kinds to be scared of the unknown. It's an emotion that I thought did not exist in my head. After all I have always been the one to walk up in a dark alley behind a tall building and gawk at whatever lies up ahead. I have always embraced uncertainty and my pitch to most of my clients and friends is, lets do this and then we'd see what happens. I believe in doing first and apologising later (if apologising is still required). And I've found that in most cases, apologies are not required. So, yeah. Fear hasn't stopped me ever. And thus the surprise on this perpetual delay.

Coming back.

Even though I was scared, I had to take the journey. I heard someone say that "the teacher comes when the student is ready". Now that I am here, to be honest, I am not sure if I am ready but I can not wait for the teacher to arrive. I want to go seek. Shoot from the hip. Act. Find the teacher. I want Saurabh Garg to evolve into 'The Saurabh Garg'. The damn the makes all the difference.

I don't even know if the break would do me any good. It's just a vague notion. Maybe I'll come back the same. May be I would merely blow up a lot of money while I am here (on expensive coffeeshops and even more expensive commute). May be I will lose opportunities back home.

What I do know is that I had to do this. Take the break.

Thing is, I have been planning dreaming of a break for years. A break where I go off the radar and don't have access to anything that defines me (people, things, ideas etc.). In an ideal world, I would go to the mountains where there are hardly any people around and the loudest sound is of your intimidated heart, fluttering at the thought of the height of the peaks and the depth of the gorges. Or I'd probably goto to some beach where I will have the endless spread ahead of me and there's nothing else that surrounds you but the sun, the sand and the loneliness. Either would've required a lot of work in terms of planning and logistics.

So I decided to hole up with a friend in a different country. This will allow me to be separated physically and stay detached. And the only person I knew outside of India that I could trust is the guy I am living with. He and I know each other for more than 25 years (if not 30 years). We don't talk on a regular basis but I trust him as much as I can trust anyone ever.

Oh, this is not the first time I am taking a break like this. In 2009, I had just quit from CLA and was trying to figure out what to do with my life. I went for a 10-day Vipassana course. I am not sure it changed me but it did teach me that I could do tough things (back then, if someone said I could not speak for 10 days on the trot, I would have laughed at them. But I did it!). The benefits were not really tangible (I should've ideally practised after I finished the course but I did not). Oh, it did make me fitter. Also, it was my first stint with intermittent fasting though I did not know about it back then.

So, this time I am on a 15-dayish break. Not really meditating. But I plan to cut off from my regular life (I plan to NOT use any social media tools, NOT check my email, NOT use whatsapp etc). I will continue to stay in touch with close friends (VG), family and work (limited to one phone call a day). This will allow me to get away from non-essential timesinks.

Of course I plan to explore Dubai - I don't really want to see the touristy places (been here enough times in the past and done all that needs to be done) . I will meet some old acquaintances, probably make new friends, expose myself to new ideas and try to soak in the life here.

In the next few days, I hope to eat right (do a 16-8 IF and if not Keto than low-carb for sure), sleep right (I had thought of experimenting with Polyphasic sleep but I am sure if I can do this in an alien environment), write a lot (blogposts, ideas, book2 etc) and get fit (go for long walks, meditate etc.).

There are other agendas - work (need to figure out what to do in with life - continue the hustle and try to make it big, or get back to the safe havens of a full-time naukri where I get peanuts to make someone else rich), relationships (with parents, friends, colleagues, co-workers, strangers and the all important "better half". I am sure that I don't want to "settle down" but as I grow old, I am told by every sage (aka learned person) around me that I will need a companion at some point in time. I am not sure. I need to think on it), review my annual goals, and finish my todo list (that has more than 400 items as we speak; and I use Asana for managing my tasks and projects).

Most important of them all is that I need to learn how to do things solo. I've always done things in groups or with close friends. I haven't done a lot of solo travels. This trip, I hope I learn what it takes to do a solo thing in an alien location.

I also want to go through the motions of trying to move to a different country, inspired by Jan Chipchase (who I think is one of the most interesting people ever). Of course I am not moving per se and I don't have what it takes to just leave my family and life behind. But I want to understand what goes in the head when you do that. I've moved cities but it's always been easy (the language, food, people, experience and other things are very similar even within a country that's as diverse as India in). Moving to a new country is a different ballgame altogether! One of my long term goals is to be a true global nomad (with luxurious homes in multiple countries and no permanent base - and I can do it - I hardly have any material possessions that I want to move around; more on this later).

So yeah! There is so much that I wish to pack in the next 15 days!

Wish me luck.

And while we are at wishing and all that, how about you think of taking a similar break and come back better, stronger etc?

-
Saurabh Garg
April 13, 2018
Dubai

R. Roads.

Post 4 in series of 30 posts in April. Each about a thing that I am grateful / happy about. Others in the series are W, M, G. I haven't been able to write on the 4th or the 5th. So glad that I could write today.

Today I'll talk about Roads. 

R. Roads. Or may be H. Highway. Depending on other days as this becomes increasingly harder. You understand that right? 

So, structurally a road is a stretch of paved surface that connects two places. And maybe takes you beyond. In an ideal world, this stretch is smooth to drive on, is lit well and has loos and pitstops at regular intervals. It should go on forever, if you ask me. And if forever is tough, which I think it is, may be it could just go around the world a few times, taking you through hills and valleys and cities and villages and people and stories and memories and dreams and all such places that typically seem accessible; but are not. You know what am saying? Its mithya. Its an illusion. You think its there but it aint not there. You think you've seen it all, hell, you know that you've captured the scene in your cameras and have uploaded to Instagram and have like a 238 likes on it already. But did you really get it? Did you see it? Did you capture it? Or all of its just a myth?

The thing is, I love the roads like I love life and money. I can spend all my life on the road. I could live on road. If I am home for a few days on the trot, I get itchy. So itchy that I have to just leave. The sad bit is that I don't have a car yet. I am buying one this year. I had thought that my first car would be a premium car but in case I cant get one, I will get whatever I can afford but will buy a car this year for sure.

With roads, thing is that you have this illusion of freedom. Freedom because you are moving all the time. Illusion because you are still confined to the road. You are on the road. You are tethered to it with the wheels and the seat and all that. But then like they say, you see the glass half-empty or you see the glass half-full. I see the road as a liberating agent. You are on the move. You can see the world go past by. You can see yourself move on. Move ahead. And move towards a destination in most cases. What destination you may ask? Well, often, there is that loved one at the other end. Wait. You know what's better than having someone at the end of the long road? That loved one next to you, as you try to break free from the road. And no, not break-free like in full-of-rage break-free. Just plain old pleasure of being in control and that great feeling of getting away from the trappings of the drab life.

Oh, I just noticed that drab life features in way too many posts that I make. I need to do something about it. Break the monotony. How? May be by hitting the road?

Well, maybe! 

G. Giants.

Post 3 in series of 30 posts in April. Each about a thing that I am grateful / happy about. Today I will talk about Money! Others in the series are W, M. Today I'll talk about Giants. I've talked about them multiple times in the past. But I think the subject deserves all the attention and mention that I can give it. 

G. Giants. 

For the context, I believe that I am very average. And that means I have to work hard to get things. And I'd have to work harder to be able to reach my #lifegoals. And one of the ways in which I can reduce the time that it'd take to get things, is to learn from others (who are learned, better than me, more intelligent than me and so on and so forth). I want to metaphorically stand on their shoulders and see farther than what they've seen. So I want to essentially build on top of what they know and push things further. You know, I want to stand on the shoulders of giants. 

I am so grateful that I have had access to some giants that shaped me who I am and gave me whatever little I have. This post is an ode to them. 

Here is an INCOMPLETE list - for I can never know who all have contributed. Its a long list and that goes to show that it has taken so much effort on part of so many people to help me reach a point where I live in relative abundance! 

So, here goes. 

Wait. I wrote a long list of people (and lessons), I realised I cant do justice if I were to publish it. Not to the people. Not to the lessons. So, no names. No lessons. Just gratitude. 

Thank you! 

Original post that I wrote, which I've since removed. 

M. Money.

Post 2 in series of 30 posts in April. Each about a thing that I am grateful / happy about. Today I will talk about Money! Others in the series are W. 

M. Money.

If you are a regular reader of what I write, you would have noticed that I talk crib a lot about money, poverty, unfairness of life, purpose, reason etc.

Truth be told, I am doing fairly ok for myself. In the sense that I have enough and more to live a upper-middle class lifestyle. I live in a decent house (rented of course). I have the latest iPhone available in the market. I buy the best brands. I eat good quality food. I travel to international destinations often. And so on and so forth. I have enough money in the bank to last me another 6 months if I stop working today.

And I am so thankful and grateful for that. Really am.

Of course a lot of things had to come together to make this happen. I had to get a good hand at the Ovarian Lottery to end up with my parents. They had to have the insight to send my sis and I to good schools. And pay for expensive education. I had to be lucky to get an admit at MDI. I had to have the keeda for learning. And I had to have a certain mention proficiency to be able to absorb things. You see a chain of things that had to work well?

What am I, if not lucky?

So, like I said, I am doing ok. A thing like money has no end to it. I do have enough if my aspirations were limited. If I were a simpleton, I could've retired on what I have!

But. The damn but.

But that's the problem as well. I do not have simple aspirations. They are tall. About 8848m tall. And more. I want to do large things. And to do large things, you need large ideas. Or access to large capital.

I don't have any big ideas to be honest. I am a mere aggregation of other giants that I have had the opportunity to stand on the shoulders of. So if I have to make those inroads and make this world a better place, I need to have access to large amounts of capital. Now I was not born a Baron. So I need to do things that can make me that kind of wealth.

And that can NOT happen with the ideas I have. Or my talent. Or the amount of money I have. And neither it can happen with the potential I have. So I need to work hard, slog and get access to more. And that's what keeps me up at night. The question is not "if". But "when". More on my dreams and ideas and aspirations some other day. Today its about being thankful for what I have.

Over n out.

W. Writing.

Its April. And that means a new financial year is here. That also means its yet another opportunity to start afresh. For this blog and for my writing, it specifically means that I can try and restart writing and creating. So, I am going to attempt to write a blogpost each day in this month. So 30 posts in the next 30 days. Each will be inspired by a thing that I am grateful (or happy or thankful) about in life. I call this Project 30Posts30DaysChallenge (yes I suck with naming conventions but I get things done). 

Here's the post for the day. Starting with W. Couldn't think of anything that starts with A. 

W. Writing. 

Among all things that I am so so thankful for in life is the ability to write. I may not be able to move mountains with what I write but I do think that I can write well. And unlike those super talented people who write so well that each piece is like a masterpiece, it takes a lot of effort for me to write something that is worth reading. So the only way to writing greatness for me is to write more. And the plan is to write so much that even if 1% of what I write is good enough, there is enough for a my audience to consume.

So yeah, I love to write. And I am thankful that I have some amount of talent that allows me to express. I do wish I were better at it. And its something that can of course improve with practise. Just that on the list of things that I want to do in life, writing is not really up there. I mean if I had all the money in the world, I would travel, teach and write. In that order. And if I had money and / or time left, I would play poker.

Why travel? To enrich myself.
Why teach? To learn more.
Why write? To connect with others.

And what would all these things do me? Allow me to become a better version of myself. And then use that to impact the world. Sigh. High hopes, Mr. Garg.

But then I dont have all the money. And that means I need to invest all the time I have to earn money. Like they said, "you're slave to money and then you die." Oh, the good part is, I am getting there in terms of money. I will have abundant money very soon and then I will put this plan (travel, teach, write, poker) in action.

Meanwhile, coming back to the agenda for the evening - writing.

So writing is such an integral part of me that I can not imagine not writing. I've been writing this blog since Jan of 2014. Thats like 14 years! I dont think I've done anything for longer than that!

Writing has helped me express thoughts well, it has helped me make new friends. It has given me the vain satisfaction of seeing my name in a bookstore. Agreed that tnks is not a bestseller but it is a book nonetheless. May be the next one will be. Or the one after that. May be its delayed because I dont see writing as an avenue that could give me enough to make my ends meet?

Thing is I've never been able to make it commercial - there are no blogging awards, no fans, no regular readers. Its just me and and my echo chamber. And may be thats why its not on the priority? Even if I had some people who'd ask me for an update or tell me that they wait for what I write, I would probably be more motivated. Vivek does. But I need more. And I need strangers. Why? Because like everyone else, I often take my people for granted. No am not crying about it. I would continue to write even if I had no readers. Its something that I do not need external validation for.

Anyhow. The point is, there is certain therapeutic value to writing. Its like pouring your grief, your tears, your sadness and your anger and your heart on paper. And its like leaving streaks of happiness, excitement and everything in between on a blank canvas. Of course it helps if you have the words and ideas that could make others share your grief as well. When the entire thing becomes a shared experience. That probably is when you succeed as a writer. Probably.

So yeah. Thats about it for the time being. Writing. One of the things that I am grateful for. First in the list of 30. I dont know what I'd talk about tomorrow. Lets see. Till then, over n out.

P.S.: If you are reading this, tell me what part of my writing has moved you the most? What can I improve. What can I do more of? 

The Monday Diary

So its been about 10 days since I published something here. And its been about 20 days since I made a meaningful post. And the "silence" is deafening. So much so that I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Anyhow. Fuck the poetic shite.

So I have been thinking about the next book for last few days. Thing is, every once in a while someone asks me about the next one and I dont have an answer. Plus I am often at airports (like I was at one yesterday and spotted Sachin's), malls and other such places and I invariably drift towards a book shop and when I see shelves and shelves of books, stacked end up high and people leafing through them and all that, I give in to the weakness and start to pine for the rare, vain and frivolous notion of seeing my name on the bestseller list. While #tnks received generally good reviews, it did not put me on any list. Except it allowed me to tick off a thing from my bucket list.

I really need to give this a shot. I remember I had promised myself that I will write 5 books before I hang my boots pencils. And I've done just one. Need to do more. 4 more at least.

Lemme take a diversion. To avoid some heartburn. To something that's been occupying my head lately. C4E. The day AND night job. Something that I know can make me money wealth. Something that is right at the intersection of all things that I love. Something that I think believe is my life's purpose.

While what we do is supposed to entertain the world and all that, most days are drab. Not drab as in they are drab for bank-tellers (with all due respect) but drab as things take time to move. And there is movement after days, if not months.

Today was one such day. I got early drafts of a website that we are working on. And I was amazed at the range of emotions that came up when I saw just a computer image of the website. Mind you. Just a photo. Its not a website. Its not a MVP. It does not work at all. And its months away from any revenue or impact. But its a step in the direction.

And not just that one website, I saw a few more things come to fruition. I got the first set of prints for the Art Project (where we wish to empower other artists) in my hand. And they look gorgeous. The short film that I had to work on  came out. And they look gorgeous btw. The short film seems to be on track. Little-by-little, step-by-step, brick-by-brick, things that I have envisioned seem to be coming to life. And all these on shoestring budget and just a handful of people. If someone could give me a lever large enough, I could fucking move the Earth! But then, why would someone fund me? They would do it for the money and I cant promise any returns. Hello, reality!

Time for a diversion yet again. The point is, it was a good day. Need to have more of these. The only sad part is that I did not create anything new. If I could change that, I can continue to live the rest of my life exactly like this.

Until next time, over and out.

This close...

If I've ever come close to giving up on the dreams of making it big and working towards the bigness, this is it.

I am this close, as close as it gets to giving up. So much so that I want to pack my bags and leave. To a place where no one knows me and I dont know anyone. Just pack the damn bags and head to a new place, to a new life and restart the goddamn life. Agreed that at 35 I am too old to do this kinda shit but I don't see a way out. I mean don't even see that light at the end of the tunnel.

I know no one else imposed this life on me. I chose this for myself. I made this life. Whatever I have, whatever I dont, all of it is a direct outcome of choices I've made. I can of course cry that I did not get the opportunities that others got. I can whine about the non-existent silver spoon in my mouth. But will the rant matter? No!

All I know is that this is not the life I signed up for (but I probably deserved earned). I need to find the reset button. Or may be, the giveup button. Whatever it is. Need to find it. And hit it.