Crib Alert. This is a whiny piece of text. You may not want to read this.
We are almost 20 days into 2014 and I am already hoping that it gets over fast. To me, it seems as if the world is out to get me. To drag me down. To create obstacles in my path.
I know that I am wrong and this is never the case. Almost.
But these many coincidences can't really happen at the same time. Mathematically, its impossible. A coin toss can't continue to fall on the same face all the time. There are so many things that are going in opposite direction (from as planned) that if I made a list, it can reach the moon.
I can actually make and submit a long list of things that are dragging me down.
But to what effect? To whom? How would it help? God up there would look at it and help me fix things? I am not sure about God. If He had to help He would've helped already. No? Been some years that I have been drifting around here.
But I'd rather not.
I want to fight this battle with time. The one we are losing with every passing second. The one we are lagging behind in every minute. The one that takes us closer to the end with every passing year.
There are two kind of things that affect me (or anyone else for that matter). Things that I can control. And things that I cant. I can work on the first set of things. And ignore the other.
So the fact that I have been lazy and busy, I can fix it. I can blame is on preoccupation with a freelance project that I've taken up. I can blame it on weather. I can blame it on things at home. I can blame it on my general boredom with life and all that. I can blame it on a lot of other things.
But the fact of the matter is that I am singlehandedly responsible for my laziness. No one else is. I need to stop wasting time. Our time is limited and I can not spend it in not doing things.
Further, this laziness is already affecting everything that I want to achieve in 2014. My health, the book, career, money, love et al. I don't know how its affecting my non-existent love life, but I want to believe that there is some karmic connection somewhere. Again, the affects are evident. In last twenty days, the story hasn't moved a lot, I haven't posted on my blog, I haven't written my ten ideas a day, I haven't met new people, I haven't stopped spending money on frivolous things, I haven't become any slimmer or wiser, I haven't even made any attempts whatsoever to lose weight, etc etc.
Apologies. I said I wont crib and I wont make a list. Let me leave this hanging here.
Coming to things that I can't control that fuck my head, its again a very long list. It may not reach the moon but it would reach zero gravity for sure.
Sunanda Pushkar for starters. I heard about it and was shocked beyond words. She was in news just a day before and I cant explain the extreme step. I don't know what really prompted her to take her life but I sincerely believe that overly intrusive social media has had a role to play in her decision. If I could, I would really really try and stop those jokes and quips that the world made on her.
Even though I did not know her and I did not make any of the aforementioned jokes on her, as a participant on "social media", I feel responsible for her decision. I have been trying to write about her, to her for more than an hour but I haven't been able to. There are a very few occasions when words fail me, this is one of those. I just hope that these incidents are not repeated. I hope that all the funny people learn a lesson. For our five minutes of fame, we have abetted her in killing herself.
The other thing that has left me numb in my head is the gross unfairness of the world that we live in. I dont want to write about the specific thing at a place that is in public domain but I am deeply moved by it. Its proof enough for me that God is merely a figment of our imagination. If He were around, I am sure He would not appreciate the unfairness. No no, I am not blaming God. I am merely saying that things around me are unfair and I need to start living with those.
Then these is this thing about shit happening at home. I can't control it. The fact that I am too poor to afford a house that I want to live in, in Mumbai, I am left at the mercy of landlords and brokers. More than anything else, these things drain me out of my energy. And what do I do to get this energy back? I try eating junk food. To get that temporary kick from carbs and sugar. What happens in the long run? I go down the spiral!
You see my point? No? Ok.
Anyway, enough of a rant. Gotta get going and get some words written on the Nidhi Kapoor Story. It's so close to the finish line.
Before I end this, I just hope that these 20 days are not an indication of the entire year to come and things improve as we go along. If they dont, I wont know what to do.
P.S.: Yet another reason why I blog. I don't write personal diary and this blog is hardly read by anyone (may be excluding prospective employers). Ranting things out of my system help me get back on the track. Imagine climbing on a really high, tall place and screaming on top of you lungs. So loud that your throat hurts. Despite being that loud, there is a good chance that no one hears you. But then do you scream for others to hear you? No. You dont. You scream because you want to throw shit out of your system.
This blog, this rant is my attempt at screaming like that. On top of my voice. Loud enough to clean my system. Clean the shit going on in my head. That.
Thank you very much. Why? I dont know.