Soul searching 101

Since I quit last year, I have been on soul-searching ride. I am trying to understand where I come from and what is my purpose. Why did Mother Nature create me and why did She make me the way I am.

Of course the answers are not easy and I am definitely not the working hard kinds. I want to enjoy life as it comes and I dont like to plan ahead.

But then, Mother Nature and Providence has their funny ways. Since its been almost a year now, the money that I had saved is running out fast. And once I realized that I was running out of money, I thought I needed to find meaningful employment.

And this is when the real stirring of mind happened. This is when soul-searching happened. Of course I am no where close to finding the meaning of life but stirring and soul-searching is a painful process. I now know the agony and despair of a man with limited means. I now understand where why they do things they do. I know what it is like when dreams get shattered. I appreciate the lyrics of Bawra Man and genius of Swanand Kirkire. The poets and writers and speakers and thinkers and other such people, respect!

Thing with searching for a naukri is that you need to shed all your clothes and stand naked. Naked to the mercy of things and people and situations that are beyond your control. You need to pimp yourself. You need to ask for favours. You need to glorify your microscopic achievements. You need to think of things that would make your noticeable, even when you dont want to be noticed. And you need to do it  all the time. Say after day. Application after application. Recruiter after recruiter. Till you are either tired of it. Or someone takes mercy on you!

You have to bare your soul and lay it on a platter to the person on the other side. You then hope like hell that they like what you have offered. After the interaction, if that happens, there is this agonizing period where you wait for the other party to come back with their decision.

If the decision is not in your favor, more often than not, the other party does not bother to inform you. You are left to fend for yourself. The wait that was supposed to end in a few days extends into weeks and then eventually months. You, as an applicant, go through various emotions. From hope and expectation (of getting a naukri) to reason (they may be late because they may be stuck) to denial (how can they reject me or I didnt want to join anyway) to anger (I hate the company) to despair (damn, money is running out). Each of these emotions peel yet another layer from your onion-like soul.

However, the good part is that this experience of knocking on doors, both open and close, both known and unknown, both friendly and hostile, is priming me for the next big task ahead of me. I guess it would require even more stirring, more anxious nights, more heartburn. The one where I am supposed to talk about my upcoming book to everyone in the world. Did you like it on Facebook yet?

Disclaimer
Of course all these are applicable to someone like me. Mediocre, average, nothing great to boast of, no awards, no concrete output, lack of social skills, stubborn and all that! The ones on the other end, the ones who are in demand, must have a different experience altogether. That of ecstasy, elation, happiness and pride. I dont know how that works. I may, sometime in future. But not right now.