The Birthday Blues

So, for the record, birthdays are the absolute worst thing in the world for people who are underachievers and are not ok with their underachievement.

You know what am saying? Some people do well for themselves. Most people don't and yet they are ok with it. And then there is a handful like me who want to do really well really bad and are unable to and have no clue what to do about it. And for people like that, people like me, birthdays are the worst thing ever.

The very idea that I am a year older with nothing tangible or emotional to show for is the worst ever. Most years I escape the feeling when I get away from the world I know and thus even the idea that it was the day when you were born almost 4-decades ago. This year, thanks to the lull in the business and dwindling bank balance, I had to stay put. And it was a terrible decision. I should've gone away.

Anyhow. So because I could not get away, I was watching this documentary on Bill Gates - where he is talking about his life and what he wants to do with it. And there's just one word that came to my head as I was seeing it. Wow.

Bill is a living example of what exemplary achievement is. On all counts. Business. Impact. Philanthropy. Investing. People. Growth. Partnership. Relationships (though he could do better on that count). Think of a thing and he has excelled at it.

Now, look at me. All 37 years of my existence. What do I have to report for these years?

Nothing!

But then, thanks to Bill, I am inspired to do more with my life. Really am. But I am also a tad bit depressed about my inability to have led a meaningful life. Or have any impact. Or reach any sort of success with anything. It's been 37 years and these years that I have spent amount to nothing.

I don’t have a thing that people evaluate others on - financial savings, tangible assets, intangible impact, etc. I don’t have a thing that will be remembered after I am gone. Fuck the legacy - I don’t care what happens when I am gone but I want to make a tangible difference to the lives of people around me. And beyond. I have nothing of that sort happening. If I had a fat-ass naukri, I would tell myself that at least I have this fat bank balance. But that too is, well, blue!

Damn!

Chalo, enough.

Hope tomorrow is a little better.