Lately, I have restarted using twitter, after a brief hiatus. The reasons for the hiatus would be reflected upon in a later post, but for the time being, I have a bigger and more perplexing problem to tackle. The problem of finding those elusive 36 more followers.
You see, at the time of writing this, I am followed by 1964 people on twitter. And I want to reach the magical number of 2000. The chase of 2k as a number looks very scary. A brief brain soul searching tells me that there are a few reasons why I could never get all those followers. Am making a list here...
I am not a wedding/event/fashion/animal/amateur/etc photographer. Am dont even talk about my flickr stream and I dont have a Facebook page where people can "fan" or "like" me. And since I have a Blackberry, I cant use Path or Instagram or Pinterest or one of those fancy services and talk about them.
I am not an entrepreneur and thus I cant ask all my employees and friends and relatives and neighbors to follow me and help me get more clients. And then once I get those clients, talk about how I made a difference to the life of the goldfish of client's wife's sister.
I am not funny. Not even remotely. Period.
I am not a social media expert. And that means that I have no opinion on anything. And that means that I cant pass fleeting comments encompassing everything from the beginning of time and then relate those to why I should be tweeting this or that. And I cant thus take a jab at folly of brands and businesses.
I refuse to engage in various gimmicks that brand manager plan and throw out as bait to the unsuspecting twitter users so that they could report that their brand is followed by a million people etc.
I am not interested in IPL. Its just too much for my peanut sized brain to be honest. There is overload of everything. Information, excitement, jealousy, anger, confusion etc. Name an emotion and IPL has that in abundance. And I cant process that. And that means that since I dont tweet about how IPL is causing a war in my family because everyone supports a different team, I wont be featured by a TV channel and I wont become famous and I wont have new followers.
I refuse to participate in trolls. Ofcourse I use a million hashtags but I dont think I have participated in #whenIWasYoung, #itHappensInIndia, #IPL, #kfBeerUp etc. And as a result I dont make friends on twitter and otherwise. (note to self, talk about Kingfisher in a separate post)
I am not a journalist. Yet. And as a result I dont have people trying to make friends with me, hoping to get free passes to IPL and other such dos.
I dont booze and thus I dont have my timeline full of drunk tweets abusing everyone for everything.
And finally, I am not a celeb. I am not a film actor (not even an extra), I am not a cricketer (even of yesteryears), I am not a CEO of a large business group (not even a startup), I am not a VC. And as a result I am stuck at 1964!
So if I dont do any of those, why my friend, why am I on twitter? Because I like to post things that I am upto. Irrespective of what people think about them. Irrespective of what opinion or comment they illicit.
And then why would you want to chase 2K followers? Well, its a good number and I want to put that on my CV. And more people who follow you, more opportunities to know new things! And who knows, I may even get famous some day?
Guess this is it for a Sunday rant! I just hope that this post helps me reach the magic number. And if not that, at least does not make some of those 1964 unfollow me!
And no, this post is not part of Project 1000. Not yet.
So today is day 2 of the Project 1000. Yesterday I managed 1000 words. I think 500 odd here and the other 500 on the secret blog to sgMS. And I felt awesome about it. Of course it would have been perfect if I could manage some more words for Serai. Thats what I am calling the book, for the time being.
So today's day 2. Let me today talk about something that is really close to my heart. And I have worked on it and failed. And failed how. I'd talk about advertising. Some other day, this post could have been called Confessions of a failed adman. Hang on. Why wait another day. Let me change the title right away. So people who read the blog often (all 3 of you) would know that I worked for an advertising agency at some point in time. I had joined that place hoping that I would churn out things like Jalebi and Cadburys. Only to realize that process is far more complex than merely coming up with scripts and shooting them.
Coming to the post, I shall talk about few recent ads that have caught my attention. And I would talk like a typical Indian customer, rather than an ex-planner.
So, the fabled summer season is on and that means that all the soft drink companies are going to bombard us with commercials celebrating their favorite time of the year. I would talk about Frooti, Appy Fizz (because I have worked on these brands), Coke (because I love the brand and wish to work on it some day) and some more. And I would talk about something that has nothing to do with India or with summers or with drinks. Its just an awesome piece of communication.
And again, these are unbiased perspectives of a common man rather than an ex-adman (or even an ex-planner on two of the above mentioned brands).
Frooti (and Slice)
Love the brand, love the positioning, love the legacy, love the drink. Frooti has everything going right for them. Except the competition. In the market, Frooti competes directly with Pepsi's Slice and Coke's Maaza. Slice has this really cool ad featuring Katrina Kaif. Apart from amazing production quality, great music and striking visuals, the ad is brilliant in the sense that at a subconscious level it places Katrina Kaif and Slice at the same place. So every time a guy desires for Katrina, something in him would crave for Slice as well. And once you have the share of mind, rest is easy.
Frooti on the other hand loses out. This season for some reason (which I havent been able to figure out), they are using Siddharth (who Siddharth? exactly my point!) in their ad. And mind it, in their entire 30 odd years history, they've never had a brand ambassador ever. So the ad is a story of a guy who cant gather enough balls to talk to her object of desire and everyone eggs him to try and talk to that girl. And finally he does speaks. And he does it be saying, "would you have a Frooti with me?". And this is where the entire disconnected is. Let me phrase them as questions. A. Is Siddharth being used as the actor Siddharth (doesnt look like) or as the boy next door? And it if he is the boy next door, why call him Sid? B. Is Frooti trying to make itself synonymous with love? Or with the feeling of togetherness? Or what? My peanut sized brain cant really comprehend. But then I am sure, brains better than I are on it and they have figured the puzzle out!
I dont even recall seeing Mazaa on tv yet. And if I have seen, if I cant recall the ad, it has to be really boring! So in the battle of mango drinks, for the time being, the winner, in my humble opinion is Slice.
Appy Fizz
Next up is Appy Fizz. I absolutely adore this guy. I sincerely wish I had the wit and presence of the mind that this dude has! Wait, hes not a dude, hes actually a drink. A drink with an attitude. And thats the best part. The latest line of commercials with Saif Ali Khan is actually far better than all the previous ones. The jokes are simple to understand (to someone like even I who is as desi as men in India get). Plus when they are using Saif Ali Khan, Saif is not being used as a model to peddle paint or dates or whatever. He is being used as himself. As a super hero. And he is in conversation with Appy Fizz. And Appy Fizz goes one up on him in all the commercials. Not like a battle battle but like in friendly banter than you may have with a friend. It does not pull down Saif's reputation and yet it definitely establishes Appy Fizz as a cool guy to hang out with. Or a cool drink to hang out with in this case. +1 on this one to the team. Here is the commercial. I am sure you can find more on youtube and all of them are as good (atleast the two that I have seen).
CocaCola Coke
Even before I start writing, I know that I would talk highly of coke. They cant seem to get anything wrong with their commercials. The latest ummedon wali ruh, sunshine wali aasha is super brilliant. Instead of using a celebrity to endorse the brand, they have simply used interesting and nice visuals to communicate different ways they open happiness. Open happiness is their global positioning that I think is slowly being brought to India. The latest ad, that they are playing with IPL, has just a couple of young kids, sipping coke out of the same coke bottle with the jingle playing in background. Too bad I cant find it online. I would have showcased it here. A very very simple idea, executed really well. A story that tells you everything and yet leaves so much room for imagination that makes you feel good about seeing a commercial. Coke wins it hands down.
Nike
Finally, I want to talk about Nike. A friend sent this to me. And I was literally blown away by it. Yet again, a simple idea, done very well and more importantly had all the peripheral things around it, to ensure that it does well. The story of a long distance couple, trying to cross the country and come together. Nike as a footwear company enables the two to meet. And to top it all, a catchy song/jingle to narrate the story. Finally, things like free download of the track, ability to share it with people easily, comment on a global website and stuff like that is the peripheral things that make is reach more and more people.
And I guess this is it for this edition of confessions of a failed ad man. The key takeaway for me has to be the realization that best ads are about telling simple stories well and the fact that the product being advertising has to stay in the background and be a mere enabler. (Nike as footwear enables a couple to run to each other, coke as a medium allows you to share happiness, Frooti allows you to say the most difficult words ever etc.) Will add this lesson to my repertoire of marketing and advertising lessons!
End note. So writing does not really take a lot of time. It just requires some patience and some peace of mind. Ofcourse advertising takes a lot more. No wonder :D
Today, I officially start work on the Project 1000. Read about it here. Right now, at about 10 in the morning, rather than being at work, I am home and trying to desperately figure out what could capture my imagination and make the interest last for 1000 words. Here are a few things that I think I can write about...
Things that I know and I want other people to know. Like why is it important to use formatting palettes while you are working on Word and Powerpoint. But then these would be academic at best and dont really know if someone would even read these. Like I could even talk about the importance of ensuring that you strictly put the left ear plug in your left ear and not otherwise. The question remains, would it help me become a better writer? Would it help me structure my thoughts better? Would it help me dig deeper into the topic and learn more about it?
Yet another love letter to sgMS. Come to think of it, I can write one every day. But most days the stories would be repetitive and since sgMS is history, I am not sure if she would ever read those letters. But then, thats the point of the letters no? The other person may not be around but you keep them close to you, in your thoughts and in your dreams. Letters are yet another manifestation of those dreams. Right? So may be one letter each day. Even if its a small letter that talks about nothing important or love like!
The book that I have been trying to write since last 29 and half years. But then I either had a lot of plot ideas. Or I dint have a single one. Now, through some magic, I have identified a couple of plot ideas. But I dont really have an interesting story to tell as yet. I know I am not great with the language and unless I have a very compelling story to tell, there is no point in writing one. And they say that a decent sized book has about 70000 words in it. So maybe, I can write a book in 70 chapters and I can take the arduous task of writing one chapter each day? At 1000 word per chapter, it would be easy to read for the end reader (if I manage to find some readers that it).
Random motivational jazz, the kinds Seth Godin and other write. But then the trouble is that Seth and other people have seen the world and are credible voices in the otherwise riff raff online world. People actually pay to listen to what they have to say. And on the other hand, if I paid someone the biggest fortune ever, they may not want to sit through a single reading of my best pieces.
Thats about it I guess.
So without further ado, here is the decision. Every day, for next 100 days at least, I would write the following.
A letter to sgMS. Not on the public domain obviously.
One chapter of a book. Not necessarily the same book.
And I would obviously write my regular blog posts. Like today, I am tempted to write about the advantages of working in a secluded corner, the way I am writing right now. I am all for working out of open spaces and gardens and parks and coffee shops but to be honest, most of that work is catching up on email and doing things that dont really add any value to your personality. The real deep work, where you actually create something, can only happen when you are in the zone and the fingers are flying on the keyboard. And at least for me, its really tough to get there when I am outside. The inherent curiosity that I was born with, makes my head wander to all the places in the world, but to the task at hand. And hence the advocacy of sitting in a secluded corner.
So thats about it for the time being. Next up on the agenda is the letter and the chapter. Godspeed to me. And just in case someone is taking a note, I am about to reach 1000 posts on this blog. Over the period of last 7 odd years. Way to go Mr. Garg! No mean feat!
Today, after a lot of days, I was feeling good about being myself. Yes, call me a depressed fucker but thats how things have been in the past few days months.
But then somehow, as I woke up in the morning, I was feeling super good about myself. It felt awesome to be alive. And it sucked to know that I am whiling away my time life like that. While I was on my way to work (paradox?), I made a promise to myself to change things. And change them for good.
To start with, taking inspiration from Chris, I hereby promise myself to write 1000 words each day. Most of it would be noise but then its ok, at least with all the noise that I make, some of it would sound like an intricate symphony to someone. Just like the infinite monkey theorem :) There would be days when the creatives juices would flow freely and there would be times when I would face the writer's block. I would have time and I would be busy. I would be mind fucked and I would be elated. Whatever it may be, I would ensure that I write a 1000 words everyday. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Project 1000.
This also reflects the larger goal that I want to chase in life. I want to write and talk. Not talk in a vacuum but talk and help people. Inspire them. May be make a difference to other people's lives. I have been lucky to have the opportunity to speak to a few people and give them some advice (call it gyaan) and it has apparently helped them. I want to grow into someone who helps individuals and businesses with things. And if I want to do that, I need to know how to express myself well. Writing is a very small and yet important part of the same. And with the advantage of time on my side, I need to improve on the art. Project 1000 is one such step in the direction.
So coming back, I would ensure that each day I write something or the other. From critiques to reviews to opinions, reports, fiction, I would write it all. I know I am not intelligent or something and as a result, most days the output would be substandard and I would end up losing all the three readers that read my blog. But then, as they say, you win some, you lose some! The three of you, I know you guys are ardent supporters, you wont go anywhere. And the other one who stumble on here from random places, if you stick, nothing like it, if you dont, I'd try harder.
And oh, by the way, most of the things that I would write, I would post them on the sandbox. At least the ones that make sense.
I hope I can do this. Calls for a lot of discipline and a lot of focus. Two things that I lack. Lemme try and see how things go. Just wish me luck and help me along the way!
So I met this TV anchor from the yesteryears that I used to have a huge crush on, while I was growing up in the 90s. At that time I could have happily given one arm and probably a leg as well to just see her once in real life. She had the most awesome smile ever and although the show she hosted was about English music, I did not understand a single thing she said but I still tuned into the channel religiously to see her come up and smile. It was one of those useless wonder year things that I dint even remember, till I realized that I would be meeting her.
So I went ahead with a twinkle in my eyes, my almost bald head neatly combed (took me all of 30 seconds), my beard neatly trimmed and in my favorite green shirt. And there she was, the lady of my wonder year dreams. And that is when I got the jolt and the dream got shattered into million little pieces of glass and ivory.
Now, when I am almost a man, she is on the wrong side of the thirties. And unlike some women who develop a charming grace when they grow old, this one hadnt. This one just looked like an older and "fuller" version of herself from the TV show. And that meant that the awesome smile was intact, apart from lines and blemishes on the skin that she has been trying to hide using all those beauty products that Sonam Kapoor and the likes peddle on TV.
It was like seeing the rude side of the concept called life. I realized that time is the mother of all sorrows that a human being can face. Take this woman for example. Despite all the money and fame, she cant do shit about how she looks despite she being the apple of the eye of the entire nation in her yesteryear. And then once I reazlied that shes been using beauty products to stay "young", I felt sorry for her. She has to resort to things like her beauty to actually make a living now. Thankfully I would have a sane head and hopefully I would not have to resort to things like that when I am old. And come to think of it, I would never be old! I can be watever age and in whatever physical condition, I would still be in demand!
Today is the last day of the first quarter of the year that is supposed to be a milestone in my history, as and when it is written. Not really happy with how things have gone in this quarter. I had made magnanimous plans and like all my other plans, nothing moved. I even made a huge mindmap of things that I would apparently achieve in this year. So far, if I revisit the mindmap, nothing has moved. Even things that I could control by myself. Things like fitness!
Anyways, the point of writing this post is not really to talk about things that I dint do or couldnt do. The point is to satisfy the urge to write. Any damn thing. Its been some days since I have seriously written things. Not that what I write makes sense but it gives me mental orgasm that is missing from my mundane life. For almost 30 years now, I have been searching for things that would make me think and give me happiness. So far its been illusive. I have been told that patience is a virtue and there are rich rewards at the end of waiting period. I have been waiting for all these years now and I am beginning to lose it.
What else? what else? Ya, last few days I have restarted reading. I started with Godfather. Loved every bit of it. The story is so gripping that rather than reading the details and painting a picture in my head, I skimmed through it and kept moving ahead. And this is when I had read the novel at least twice in the past! Apart from this, I am reading The Price of Ayodhaya and The Polyester Prince. After this, I plan to read the Dexter series.
And then apart from reading, work has been keeping me busy. I cant really get time from all the madness and there is so much to be done! And this is about it for the time being. Too long for a post titled Untitled!
Say hello to @altSG. Its my new twitter handle (apart from @Saurabh) and over time I plan to make it my primary twitter handle.
Why would I do this?
Simple. Work vs play. And respect.
There are tons of interesting people that follow @Saurabh. Most of these are serious people with stable day jobs and a million things on their heads. In short, they would be busy. And since I dont really want to crowd their timelines with noise, I'd rather move my frivolities to some place else. A place like @altSG.
So, at @Saurabh, I'd talk about things that people want to read. It will eventually become my brand, my portfolio and my CV. It will become my voice. It will become my identity on the Internet. So, amongst other things, I would talk about advertising, branding, writing, marketing, poker, travel etc. I'd talk about things that I am trying to explore. I'd talk about things that I am trying to learn. Things that may get me work and an opportunity to interact with interesting people. Things that get me that all important foot in the door.
One the other hand, I'd use @altSG as my personal handle. The way I use @Saurabh right now. I would post things that most of the world will not be interested in. Mundane, miscellaneous, insignificant updates from my life. Things like what I am eating, where am I driving to next, how I felt after that bad beat etc. I expect just a few close friends and some bots to follow me on @altSG.
I guess thats about it. To summarize, I would be at @altSG and my brand would be at @Saurabh. Or vice versa. You can never trust Internet with these things!
I saw this movie called Players (which IMHO is a really bad rip off of the awesome Italian Job) last night. Not that I wanted to see but I could not find the TV remote and I had to see something that helped me sleep. After I saw the movie, I have a few questions to ask you. And after all the questions, like a true Indian, have some opinion. I sincerely hope you give me a patient hearing and look at the merits of my arguments before you dismiss them as being blasphemous.
Also, before I launch into the rant, I would like to make clear that I really really like you and I may even have a crush on you. I think the crush has been since Subhash Ghai made that Pyar Ki Ganga Bahe with all the film star and their kids.
Apart from the crush, I pin a lot of hopes on you. Not everyone is lucky to get a platform like you have and it would suck if you waste that platform and end up like Paris Hilton (BTW Paris is an achiever in her own way, she is after all named after Paris. And her last name is Hilton). I dont go about writing these letters to everyone. But you, Ms Kapoor, have the potential. You just need to realize it and get your act straight.
Without further ado, here are the questions that I had promised I would ask.
When you sign a film, don't you read the script? You are not a kid anymore that someone lures you with a candy. Wait, no, a pony in your case. After all you are a famous kid of a rich dad. So, while signing Players, dint you realize that it was a really bad ripoff of The Italian Job? To the extent of three Mini Coopers loaded with weight, daughter of the dead father etc. Even the make up of the villain was inspired by the original! Do you think it does justice to your reputation when you work in films like this? Don't they judge people by the company they keep and the work they do? Long after your not young anymore, wont people remember you for films that you did? When you are a mom, wont you want to tell you kids about the amazing job you did in some movie? Doesn't Mr. Kapoor talk to about Ram Lakhan? Lamhe? Tezaab? Mr. India? And all those amazing movies he's done?
Reputation. This is connected to the first one. I have a background in communications and I have learnt and seen that reputation is everything. Especially for people like you. So while you endorse a brand, or sign a movie, dont you think (assuming you can - you look like someone who can) if endorsing that brand or featuring in that film would add something to your reputation? And can your exiting reputations give wings to that brand/film? Look at Vidya Balan for example. Shes on this trip of female centric roles. I dont give two hoots about her but shes thinking about the legacy she leaves behind. Sonam, people in show biz, they have a responsibility. Of course they must enjoy life and riches and goto parties on yachts parked on the French riviera but you guys have a responsibility. The responsibility to do good work and entertain audiences. And no, audiences do not get entertained when you merely flash a smile at the camera at some page 3 party where you vouch your support for PETA.
This may be the most personal of all questions, but dont you think you need to take dancing and acting classes? You know, I am all for learning by experimentation and stumbling and failing and then getting back. But then the basics please? I mean acting is not just about looking good. You look gorgeous. There is no doubt about it. But acting?
Thats about it I guess. I have many more but I know that you are busy and short on time and you wont have patience to read and answer the other trivial questions.
Coming to opinions. Again, please do not mind. I am a mere well wisher and there are no ulterior motives here. Like I said earlier, you have an amazing platform that you can use to leave a mark. And these are only meant to nudge you on the path.
How about stopping to act? I mean not that you've had great success with it. Your time, which anyways is limited, can be invested in other pursuits and trust me you would do far better at them. I dont know you personally but from whatever I read, if you could do something about fashion in India, you would rock. So how about creating a business around bringing new brands to India? India's growing by leaps, people have the money to spend. Its a perfect opportunity for you! I mean look at Rhea Kapoor. She is putting her effort in producing movies. Totally worth the time she spends. +1 to her!
How about firing your manager? No no, not the time keeper that schedules your appointment etc but the manager who looks after your reputation. The guy who leaks stories to press and gets you endorsements from brands? The guy who should be thinking on your behalf and counseling you. The guy who should be getting the scripts tweaked to get you a more plush role. That guy who should be chasing brands to get them to invite you to endorse their brands. The guy who is responsible for brand Sonam Kapoor in the long run!
How about stop working for money? You have enough. Enough that you can afford all the luxuries you may want and get invited to all the parties you want to. If you stop working for money and stop doing stupid films, appearances and endorsements for money, you can choose to do the kind of work that would make you happy. And more importantly, make your fans (like me) happy. The work could then spawn across industries - entertainment, fashion, travel, philanthropy, the options are limitless Sonam.
And thats it. There is more but then I think these are enough for the time being. If you are serious about a long term impact, I am sure you would consider these. Hope you dont get offended. I am being repetitive but I have high hopes from you and it really sucks to see you waste your time on things like Players. And time Sonam, is the biggest limiting factor of our lives. Sooner you realize, better it is.
That's about it! Thanks so much for reading this. Hope it helps.
A fan!
On behalf of all the drivers that drive you around the town, the restaurants that host your kitty parties, the high street malls that you frequent to buy groceries, the maids that to help you with cooking, cleaning etc, the beauty parlors where you paste tons of creams and powders on your faces and millions of such micro-economies that you help flourish by your mere existence, including the one I am a part of, a BIG THANK YOU! Thank you so much for your patronage. We have no clue what would we do without you guys. You actually provide for food and shelter for me and my family.
Thank you so very much!
Regards,
SG
And now that letter is over, lemme come to the reason for this letter. But before other things, let me describe you. A typical rich housewife. For the ease of readability, lemme use bullet points.
A typical rich housewife is in her early thirties (because the number that us minions call age, stops increasing for rich housewives after they are 35), has her personal driver chauffeur to ferry her around the beauty parlors, malls, kitty parties and other social gathering that attracts her kinds.
She has a very active social circle of friends, neighbors, few almost page 3 celebrities, people who own fancy restaurants and parlours and the likes.
And of course relatives in-laws that she loves to hate.
The creature called husband is a fast rising star in some large multinational and thus only meets her on Sunday morning brunches at famous five star hotels.
Sex is strictly twice a week, lasting for all of five minutes on each occasion. Not necessarily with the creature that we spoke about two seconds back. Variety, you see, ensures that there's "spice" in life.
Money needless to say, is not a problem. She holds a credit card with an insane credit limit. Thanks to all the hard work that the husband puts in at work.
But you may ask that most women, in Delhi atleast, have at least two things from the list I spoke about above. How are you to spot the real rich housewife? Here's a checklist...
She would be wearing thick framed sunglasses. Even when she is inside a mall. And even if its night. I suspect they dont remove the sunglasses even in the movie halls but I am not too sure. I havent had any rendezvous with any so far.
She can be found body hugging wearing track pants in all sorts of "interesting" colors like powder pink, baby pink, parrot green, turquoise, blood red and shimmering black. Shimmering is the keyword here.
When she sits in her chauffeur driven cars, she would sit right behind the chauffeur. Men and other mortals sit diagonally behind the chauffeur. But not her. Her throne is right behind the driver. I dont know why. I wish I could know.
She would have a really badly dressed maid in traditional Indian clothes, trialing her. The maid's hands would be full of large shopping bags. On lat count, she had paper bags from a million and a half trees.
Enough. Now I have to come to the real reason of this letter/post. Its about a friend. She just got married to a guy who is a typical rich housewives' husband. And she is kinda lost about her purpose in life. She thinks that since she is no longer a girl now and married to a dude, she is now worthless and does not deserve to live etc.
The letter is strictly to give her affirmation her that she is not worthless. She must know that she is as important to our lives as Mamta Didi or BehenJi Mayawati are. She provides livelihood and entertainment to so many people. She is better than those godmen. I mean a typical rich housewife directly employees at least 12 people and indirectly supports 60 mouths. She should be damn proud of her existence. And I am not even talking about all the pseudo
businesses that she runs (just to enter the "me too" list). If I included that, I wouldn't be surprised if 80% of India's GDP is somehow touched by the rich housewife!
xxx, just take care of yourself. You are really important. I mean it.
P.S.: I sincerely apologize if I may have hurt any feelings.
And obviously, any similarity with anyone living or dead, is purely
coincidental.
