The Next Few Days. And next couple of years.

The next few days are going to be big. Big in the sense that things that happen in the next few days would dictate how I spend the next two years. And thus, probably, how I would spend the rest of my life. 

What? Why?

The book is almost done. The second draft is also almost ready. I have already had a round of discussions with a publisher. If all goes well, the book could be out in next three-four months. I am keeping my fingers crossed. And then after that I'd start working on the next one. I have a tentative plot in my head about the next one but I am not sure. However I am sure that I want to write atleast one every year. Audacious goal but what is life without a tinge of audacity? 

The publishing (of the book), even though it would be a grand event, wont really change the things. 

Change would be finding a naukri that would help me pay my bills. I have been jobless for almost 8 months now and I have spent everything that I had saved. And more. I need to find something that would help me pay bills. I am looking at working for atleast couple of years. Couple of reasons. A is to save some. B is to try and leave a mark. 

Sadly I dont know what I want to do in life and I have no clue about the kind of work I want to do. I take pride in being a Jack of all trades and that means I am employable across a wide range of profiles. Not wide enough to cover a lot of ground but wide enough to allow me to choose from multiple options. And the options, as I see are...

A. Go back to Delhi and either settle for what I was doing previously or go work for a friend's startup. Both options are open to me right now.

There is nothing wrong with my last job and there is nothing right with it either. Its a safe routine job that probably would give me some time off to work on my books. The book writing bit is going to be a long haul thing and I would have to spend a lot of time before I know if I am accepted by readers. 

The startup would be a huge huge challenge. I know that that guy is very demanding and thus I would have to work really hard on it. It will translate into lessons that would probably last for a lifetime but then I probably would not have anytime for the book. 

B. Find a naukri in Mumbai. Again, there is nothing wrong or right about this. Just that I would have to go through the grind of calling companies, friends, contacts, acquaintances and other such people and hope to find something for myself. 

Again, depending on where I end up, I may get lucky to find something that is the right mix of money, exciting work, time for writing, meeting new people. travel and mental simulation. But if I dont get lucky, I dont even want to list things that could go bad. 

C. Drift the way I have been drifting. Hoping for happy accidents to happen to me. Since I know that I am a destiny's child, I can try and keep setting in motion random oscillations that some day translate into giant winds that may bring love, luck and happiness my way. 

Thats about it. 

On paper, it looks like a very simple three point equation. In real life however, the implications and ramifications are so many that I cant even fathom. Anyhow, I have never been the thinking kinds and I life without a plan. Whatever comes my way first I'd take it and move fast on it. 

It has taken me ten years of sporadic writing and last few months of sustained effort towards The Nidhi Kapoor Story to realize that I love writing so much. I cant really waste anymore time in half-measures. 

Thats all! 

Writer's Block!

Via

Its here! The writer's block.

I cant write. I havent written for almost 15 days. Not on the blog, not on the book, not on the secret blog, no emails, nothing. And damn!

The thing is called the Writer's Block. And it is defined as a phenomenon when a writer loses the ability to produce new work. It is not a problem with the ability of the writer but is more of a temporary roadblock that prevents the writer from creating new work. I dont know if the definition is correct but I really want to assume that it is. I can not believe that I've run out of juice after writing a blog for ten years. People tend to become great after spending ten years with things.

In my case, the block is probably as a result of the break that I imposed on myself after I finished the first draft of The Nidhi Kapoor Story. Anyhow, the block is here and it sucks. Truly. I have realized that I am extremely happy when I am writing. In fact writing is my escape. There are times when I am fucked up in my head and the only way I can let go things is by letting my fingers dance on the keyboard. Writing is like my fix. Its my poison. Its something that I have to do if I am to be happy.

And since I hate to be unhappy for long durations of time (yes, I imply that I am unhappy when I am not writing), I have these homegrown remedies to get out of the block. This post, is actually an outcome of one such remedy. In fact, if Neo did not nudge me, I wouldn't have thought about this. Thank You.

Hopefully tomorrow onwards I would restart writing. Even if its small insignificant updates on the blog. Or inane changes in the story.

Till then, so long!

P.S.: Here are a few other posts that I've written about writer's block.

Weightloss Tamasha

Screenshot from Wolf of Wallstreet

I believe there is a heath book by this name. If it exists, I havent read it and I dont want to benefit from it's popularity (if its popular). If you are the author (or the publisher), please dont sue me. I am too lazy to google for the name.

So with the disclaimers out of the way, let me talk about the tamasha that I am engaged in. The shenanigans, while I try to lose weight inches.

Since my aversion for any exercise, physical or mental is well-documented, I cant really do em. However, here are a few things that I have decided that I would do. And here is a list...

1. Walk. 10K steps a day. Most days I dont. But on an average I try to do 50K steps a week. Except the last week, I could do 50K over the last few weeks. I wrote about this here. 
2. Eat in moderation. If you have gone out eating with me you would know of copious amount of food that I can eat and digest. I have stopped all that now. Except yesterday when I had a dosa after at least 15 days, an ice-cream after few weeks and my favorite egg biryani after a month at least. I wanted to top all this with Red Bull but then I had to sleep. It was awesome to indulge in all this foodgasm but in the morning, I could see the damn food stuck on my body, the way they stuck money around a woman in Wolf of Wallstreet. 
3. Small meals. Rujuta recommends that six small meals a day is better than three big ones. Only fuck up is that I end up having six small meals along with the three big ones. 
4. Cheap publicity. I make such a hue and cry about things that I post it on blog, my twitter stream, facebook and what not. 
5. Large bets. I got into this mother of a bet with a friend about my goal for myself. I would buy him the latest iPhone if I am more than 30". Else he would buy me one. For someone like me, who needs external motivation more often than not, this is a brilliant carrot.  

Thats it! 

So, for the next few months if you see that I am obsessed by weightloss and things around it, could you please bear with me? The way you have since I started writing this? 

The Publish Button

The Publish button

You know the funny bit about blogging? Even today, ten years since I started writing a blog, more than 1300 published posts, everytime I push the Publish button, I have my guts in my throat. I get butterflies. I get scared. I am in jitters.

What if I've made typos? What if someone ridicules it? What if an prospective employer / bride reads this and rejects me? What if this? What if that?

The Publish Button is my greatest fear. I am not scared of darkness, heights, lurking monsters in blind alleys, public speaking, approaching a member of the opposite gender, dentists, (or any of these other top ten fears of humans). But I am scared of the Publish button. Very scared.

And like all fears, once I do it, once I am over it, it transforms from fear into freedom. From scare into thrill. The fear is gone. The button is like that teleport switch that helps me hit escape velocity and go in the orbit. On one side is a lot of ridicule and the other side is pure exhilaration of having created something. Of seeing things out there. And trust me, there is no larger satisfaction than creating something. Something out of thin air. That's what writing is about. Pulling strands out of thin air and weaving them in a coherent story!

No wonder I love writing. No wonder I am addicted. To the fear of Publish button and the relief that comes when I have pressed it.

Monthly Report - Feb 2014

The second month, the shortest in the year is gone. Someone rightly said that the time flies. Anyhow, here is the update for the month.

Here are the thing that I did in this month

1. The credit card bill for the last month was my lowest ever. Ever. Since I started earning all those years back. May be it was because it was the shortest month of the year, but then, I am not complaining.
2. I launched a new idea. Still working on it. You may want to read this post for more details. You may subscribe to it here. 
3. Thanks to a tweet by Anaggh, I discovered Producteev. This has to be amongst the best personal project management tool that I have seen (apart from the good pen and paper). Do check it out.
4. Had a good month with poker. A good month for me is when I do not loose. I did not. 
5. Big news. Lost couple of inches. Off all the things that I want to achieve this year, I want to get fitter. And this is the first time ever, in my life, when I have lost inches. I am really really happy about it. So happy that I dont have words. Over the next few days I would continue to talk about it. 

Report on things I had planned for Feb.

1. I had planned five things. I did none of those. Multiple reasons. But will not go there. I failed. 

In Mar of 2014, these are the things that are on the cards

1. Things for Feb (sell sgElectra, work on Cpt Obv, ISIN and next plot)
2. Clear Evernote.
3. #tnks. Finish second draft of #tnks. And start talking to publishers. I have a friend who has promised to publish the book, but I want to get published on its merit, not on goodwill. 
4. #poker. Get yet another good month with poker. Like I mentioned, a good month is when I do not lose. 
5. #poker. See all of grisped on youtube. 
6. #36to30. Take yoga as a challenge. Try and do asanas with more poise and tougher intensity. I would take it up as a challenge. I wrote about it here. Remember the tread mill that Will Smith talks about?

Thats about it from the month of Feb. Over to you March.

In the meanwhile, do check out The Nidhi Kapoor Story's facebook page. 

Previous updates: Jan 

Older than the mountains

Bukowski's Dirty Old Man. 

I am old.

And I can feel it. I feel it in the aching joints and sore muscles. In the perpetually tired brain and never-ending exhaustion. In the desperate lunges towards my bed to answer my dying need for sleep. And in the desperate, loud protests for not getting up even when I have rested enough. I feel it in this need to take breaks even when I ought to concentrate on the big task ahead. And in longer than average time that I take to make those snap calls. I feel it when people half my age talk about making twice in one year that I've made cumulatively in my entire life. And when I know that I'd never be able to catch up with them. I feel old when every interaction with a member of opposite gender makes me cringe and gives me butterflies in my stomach. And when the opposite gender ignores my attempts at these interactions. I feel it when friends talk about things like homes and babies and health. And when I have nothing to contribute in such discussion.

I feel old.

I can see it as well. Its actually easier to see. I see it all the time. Starting with the balding head. And the white sprinkled carelessly in my beard and whatever mop of hair is left on my head. I see it in ugly eye-bags. And thick folds on my neck. Double, triple chin. Aging, freckled, skin that could well have been the underside of a dried leaf if I weren't this dark. I see it when I get called "uncle" and other such things by people who are not more than a couple of years younger than I. And when I am in two minds about addressing someone that even if they look my age. I can see it in my boredom that creeps on me when I goto these loud fancy places that everyone else seems to be reveling in. And when, much to my surprise, I enjoy going to these simple quiet hideouts where a few years back I wouldn't even want to tread. I see it when things I loved to eat, the McDonalds, Coke et al when I was younger get replaced by boring foods like Muesli and Green Tea. And especially when I seem to enjoy em more than the greasy, fried cousins. I see it when I catch myself staring into a mirror all the time trying to notice that new faint age line that had appeared last night. I see it when I think twice, sometimes thrice, before choosing on a shirt for that all-important meeting. I see it when I my hands and feet start shaking by themselves. I see it all the time. All the time.

I can see that I am old.

If this is growing up, getting old is growing up, even if its a small part, I did not sign up for this. I did not.

P.S.: If there is one author that you ought to read before you die, you ought to read all of work from Bukowski. Really. And despite all my fandom I cant seem to spell his name right. I have to Google for it every time.

Dear Steve

Dear Steve,

Happy Birthday!

Wherever you are, I sincerely hope you happy. And I hope you are making that place better as well,  the way you made Mother Earth better.

I know you did not know me. And I know you had no reason to even know of my existence. On the other hand Steve, I, Saurabh Garg, would have given an arm and a leg to know you. To make an acquaintance with you. Why would I do that? Because Steve you are one of your kind. You pushed everyone around you. They may or may not have realized but you made them better. At least I want to believe that you would have made them better.

If I have improved looking at you from a distance, if I have taken inspiration from you despite being separated by time and geography, if I try to evaluate things the way you would have evaluated, if I have started to set my standards higher, I am very sure that the ones that had the fortune of working closely with you would have grown by leaps and bounds. In fact there is this guy in Indian mythology who becomes the best archer of his time by practicing by himself in front of a mere statue of the greatest guru around. Purely by dedication, effort and perseverance. You Steve are that greatest guru that I ought to learn from. I know you are not around to take on disciples but Steve, even at this old age, I ought to learn from you. And I promise I would.

You know I am one of those countless super-fans that you still have across the world. And I am sure each of your fan is remembering you today. For, the world is infinitely better because of you. You gave showed us meaning of greatness. You gave us the inspiration for being the best we could be. And you gave us tools that allowed us to chase these dreams, even if they are frivolous.

Steve, you have been an inspiration. You will remain an inspiration.

You know, the biggest regret of my life is that I could not work with you. If there is after-life, may be, just may be I'd see you there.

Till then, thank you for everything.

Love,
SG

P.S.: I miss you.

Review of a Pencil

The first thoughts, when I saw the pencil as a 3 year old was to investigate if I could eat it, for I was always hungry and even thought it was black but it did had to be opened up, cut like other fruits and vegetables.

Over time I realized that its probably more useful, better, powerful than a mere eating object. For, this tool allowed me to capture something intangible (my thoughts) and give a tangible shape and form. A form that would remain even after the thought has vanished from my consciousness. 

I dont know if a pencil is superior to any other instrument but I know that I cant think of living without one.

I had to submit a review of a cool tool that I have used, to be able to subscribe to KK's cool tools list. Since I dont really have money to buy these tools, I reviewed something that is as cool as any tool could be.

Yoga. As a challenge.

Before I get into the rant for the day, here are a couple of things that you ought to know.

A. I have been going to a yoga instructor for almost two months. I have signed up for a 1 to 1 session and that typically means there are no other practitioners when I am there. If there are others, they are like me, injured, damaged, nursing injuries and are in the class not to lose weight or to sound fancy but to heal themselves with yoga.

B. I was probably sleeping when God was distributing that knack of being social. On top of it, He made me an introvert. You remember that kid in your class that you can't remember at all? That. No wonder! So, as a result I have been awkward in social situations all my life. And now that I am almost bald, my anxiety levels are at an all-time high. Everytime there is a social situation that puts the spotlight on me, I can literally feel the butterflies hitting the inside of my stomach. Enough.

Now, armed with A and B, lets come to the rant.

So, today yesterday when I went to the class, apart from another regular, there was this really pretty woman. Pretty as in Bollywood pretty. In fact while conversing I learnt that she's won some sort of beauty pageant recently and is the next big thing in Bollywood. There. Anyhow, since my work has given me many trysts with the bold and beautiful, I am not really star struck. I merely took a note of her presence and I went on with my routine. 

But since the woman was new in class and I have this super-competitive streak, I noticed that she was very good with even complex routines. The simple ones that make me sweat like a pig out in the sun, those routines were like a breeze for her. The complex ones that I can only dream about, she was fretting over those but could do those well. And she had poise, strength, focus, determination and other things that you need to succeed at Yoga. 

I am not getting personal but if someone like her, with a busy schedule and erratic timings, could be so good at yoga, I wondered why was I bad? I want to believe that I am a fast learner and I am fairly athletic. I mean I am as athletic as a fat, old man can get.

I know I am a beginner and its been just two months but I believe that I can perform well. Remember? I keep saying that God gave me social anxiety but He's also blessed me with an innate ability to perform fairly well at any new task. In other words, I have a very steep learning curve on almost any skill.

It's time that I use it with yoga. And perform. Lemme make a promise to myself (damn this tendency of making promises to myself).

I would take yoga and complex poses as a challenge. I would get good better awesome at it. I would not step off the treadmill unless I die. I know it would take time, patience, effort and all such things that are in short supply but I will do it. Like I said, I will not step off the treadmill.

And no, I promise I would not leave this as a dead end. I would revisit this post in a month.

Keep watching fellas.

The Sleeping Beauty

Ever since I got done with first draft of the book, all and sundry have advised me to not look at the book for a month. And then redo the entire thing. Who am I to not follow the timeless wisdom. As as result, I have a lot more time on my hands now. And what do I do with it? I sleep. Sleep not as in take cat naps but sleep as in sleep like a log. Like this guy, Kumbhakarna used to. 18 or so hours a day. No, I am not exaggerating.

Take last night for example. I had slept at 9. I woke up at 6. Then I slept again at around 11. I just woke up at 4. So from 9 PM last night, I have slept for almost 14 hours. And as I type this, I am sleepy, all over again. Wait, let me get something to eat, been sometime since I have had food.

Back. So you know, may be, just may be I am suffering from clinical depression? They say that if you are depressed you tend to sleep a lot. Or may be its the transition from quarter-life crisis to mid-life crisis that is manifesting itself in sleep?

Or is it that I am suffering from Vitamin D deficiency? The same vitamin that sunlight helps produce. Or synthesize. Or create. Or whatever.

Or its because its winters?

Or is it because I have changed my eating habits drastically and have reduced carb intake to a minimal? I sort of survive on milk. May be its slowing down my metabolism?

I dont know.

Its like playing Roulette. On the ring are a million things that are responsible for my extended bouts of sleep. And I am trying to bet on the one that is responsible. Why bet? Because I want to fix it. I hate to be unwell and I hate to be sleepy, drowsy all the time.

And for the record, when I was young, I could get by with just 3-4 hours of sleep. I thought that sleep was a waste of time. I am sure I would have written a few blogposts about it. But look at me now. Living example of Sloth. Sleeping as if my purpose is to sleep. Like those damn cats!

Oh, damn... There is more to write. I know there is. But I cant think of it. Terribly sleepy. Let me lie down on my bed and write the remaining part. If I dont write things after this, you'd know what happened to me.

Right?