Dear Nature

Dear Nature,

Before I get into a long drawn rant about things that I want to crib today, I want to thank you. Thank you for a lot of things, including and not limited to, the wonderful life that we are very attached to, the rains that always brings the best of my moods out, the mountains that I love to explore, the cool breeze that elevates my spirits, the diversity in individuals that makes us what we are, the thumb that made us different from our cousins, the absence of the tail that helped us walk straight, the curiosity and more than that the ability to actually chase the questions that trouble us. Thank you. Really I mean it.

Now, that the mandatory disclaimer is done, today I want to talk about something that you think it was required, but I think is inane. I understand when we were nomads and hadn't discovered fire and invented the wheel, we needed to fend for ourselves. A thick coating of hair helped us keep warm. Apart from being the protective coating, it gave us a natural cushion while we were sleeping. And some people even say that it helped us save ourselves from mosquitoes at night. Whatever your reasons may have been, I humbly want to submit that they are not really required now. With global warming and other things that have made planet warmer, we dont really need hair to keep warm.

You know what bugs me the most? The fact that I need to cut trim them every once in a while. Everyone knows that you, nature, by the very nature, are unfair. You've given very few people a lot of things and a lot of people nothing. So while some people have awesome hair, people like me have hairlines that are receding as fast as Usain Bolt can run those 100 meters. In fact imagine the plight when you goto a barber and ask him for a haricut. He also smirks at you and tortures you by asking the style you want to cut your hair into.

The plight bit is fine. I am used to people staring at my bald head and cracking jokes. The bit I cant tolerate is the fact that I need to maintain the hair frequently. You need to get a haircut once a month. Trim your beard once every few days. For a change I thought that let me be supremely lazy. I shall not trim my beard and let it grow. I dont mind what people think or say but since my work requires me to fly often, and security at airports in India is bonkers, I am stopped multiple times at each airport and every guard like man eyes me like I am on the most wanted list of Interpol, RAW, Delhi Police and other intelligence agencies. I am often frisked multiple times, bags searched to the seam, asked rude questions and made to strip to my birthday suits. And not to mention the personal frisking. And why all this? Because I refuse to shave, because my facial hair cant stop growing, because someone, at God's decided to humor himself by giving us men hair.

I know I cant do jackshit about it now. I can only ignore all those wise-ass comments from barbers and continue being humiliated. But I do have a request. A humble one at that. I shall live my life in whatever way but from the next generation on, could you please do something about hair? And nails for that matter!

Yours,
One of your out of favor childs'

Dear Girl in Blue Dress

Dear Girl in Blue Dress,

I am so sorry. I was in the same coupe as you were in. I was there when those men intruded on your personal space and dared to touched you. I saw your Dupatta being pulled away. I saw you crying. I saw that despair in your eyes. Your eyes were searching for help in that crowded metro coupe and they infact had briefly met mine. I looked into them, gave them my sympathies and then diverted my attention on my ipod, pretending to search for the next song that I wanted to hear. Ofcourse I was pretending and I was still aware of what was happening to you. I told myself, what every other man would have told himself, that I dont know you and hence what was happening to you, was not my problem.

I know that I am proud to be a male. I am chivalrous when with womenkind. I am courteous when I am with elders. I am loud when I am with girlfriend. I am protective when I am with my sis. And yet, I am indifferent, with every other women. I dont even consider that more than all these superficial relationships defined by us, you and I share, a stronger and bigger relationship. HumanKind.

I know we are the men of Anna. We have taken loud pledges against corruption on public forums, and in person we dont mind paying that ten rupee note to get things done faster. We pledged with Anna and we joined him for his fast, and post that we went to fancy restaurants to party and debate on things happening around us We went to India Gate with a candle in our hand, and post that raced our bikes around that very India Gate, a little high, on alcohol and pride. Rather that all these fancy things, a mere act of helping you would have elevated me higher than any other deed. 

I am sorry. For not having the balls to act and stop those men. I can ofcourse give a lame reason that there was just too much crowd to do anything. I can even say that since I did not know you, why should I get into trouble. But end of the day, my inaction cant be justified. And of all those men who were meek spectators. What troubles me the most is that some were secretly enjoying the act as well. I wish I could slap some sense into them. And you know, I dont think I even I have the right to comment on them.

I just want to tell you that Delhi is not what you think we are. We are not rapists and we know our limits. There are some people who need a life and I am extremely sorry for letting things happen to you.

And I hereby promise that next time I see something like that happening, even if I dont know the woman, even if I am outnumbered, even if I am handicapped, I would do my bit to help you. I promise.

And once again, I am really sorry. I am sincerely ashamed. 


Apologies,
An Ashamed Delhite.

Inspired by an incident that a friend had to go through while traveling by Delhi Metro. And this is from and for all those men who just stood like meek spectators. Would I have done anything about the incident? May be not. But I shall, next time it happens in front of me.

The New Blogger

Blogger has come with an update! And this is my first post with the new blogger. Lets see if this new version helps me write more. Or helps the quality of posts. Or gets me new readers. What else do you expect from a blogging utility?

Thing with blogger is that while all the people in the world, read WordPress, were innovating and releasing new versions at the rate of millions releases per day, blogger was sitting idle and whiling away time. And now when Wordpress has become the defacto standard for bloggers, they are playing catchup. And with this release, they are not getting any closer to WP sometime soon. This only makes blogger closer in look and feel to the parent, Google.

Although blogger is nowhere close to Wordpress and gives me no real powers, I still like the simplicity of the entire thing and hence been using it for all these years. Anyways, this is not really a post but this is an experiment. Lets see how the new blogger treats me!

Warrior of Email Battles

I have no clue how would I have fared if I was born in those times when Pandavas and Kauravas were dueling it out. I am not known for my prowess with physical sports but I would have made a very good archer. I think. I like those games of skills. Like dart boards, pool tables etc. I tend to believe that I am good at em!

There is another skill that I excel at. Really. Those volleys of emails that fly between offices, cities, people and times. Someone sends an email. You reply with your comments added inline. They reply with their comments in red. You get creative. Choose canary yellow as your color. They add smilies. You attach objects. They make presentations. You point to hyperlinks. They include a few colleague in the discussion. You are as relentless. You add your entire address boss. And some more stragers. Just for the heck of it. They cant be left behind. They add their address book and their relatives. And before you know it, you have lost the battle because the entire world with access to emails has been added on the list.

And this is just one of those things that you will nod your head to and have experienced while working. There is something about email that makes it exciting and scary at the same time. I mean most exciting things, by the very definition, have that element of fear built in. But nothing comes close to email. For starters, email is permanent. Any email that you send out ever is sort of etched into the rock and can and will be retrieved at a later date. I know people who have spent 30 years in corporate life and they have terabytes of emails that they have sent out over the years. I dont know what computer would they hook on that drive to when they need to find something. But, its their battle.

Second thing about email is that you can choose to ignore it. You may say that the email never reached me. You may argue that it got lost in those murky waters of email filters and spam guards. You may say that the content did not get past your corporate email policy. Or maybe aliens took over your mailbox and deleted all items that were unread or something. The point is that you can leave the other party guessing all the time, if their email reached you or not. Its like playing battleship! You keep guessing.

Third thing about email is that its official. There is nothing off the record. You cant really bitch about colleagues, clients, government, Anna Hazare, BJP etc. And this is the best bit. Nothing is personal. Everything you send, it is not really personal. Most of it is attributed to your employer. all liability, is thus your employers. Dont we all love when we fuck up and someone else is blamed? And all that is left and expected out of you, is to shrug your shoulder and say, "I did this in the line of the duty" or something? There are some hilarious emails that I have exchanged in the past that I wish I could publish here. The blog would reach the Internet Hall of Fame in one hour. Lemme know if you want to see some glimpses of brilliance in email etiquette!

Finally, and this is why I love the email most, it saves me from those face to face meetings that more often than not, turn nasty and tend to stretch till infinity. In a real meeting, every individual tries to prove their worth by harping about things that are inane to be honest. Everyone is vying for their 15 seconds. Everyone merely wants to prove their worth. And obviously these meetings glug away time as if it came with a never ending supply. With email, I am assured that I can be at a beach and yet pretend to be drowning into all the work that no one but I can do.

You know, if I had time, I could have went on and on about the merits and demerits of these email battles but then I need to go send out a few emails that need urgent attention. After all I am paid to be an email jockey. I am just wiating for the time when they make email-dueiling an Olympic sport. I can guaran-damn-tee a Gold for India.

Last post of the month and of P 0811, dedicated to Nefertiti. The latest (and the only other reader apart from me) reader of my blog. Thanks for reading.

Secret Dairy of a Corporate Bitch

I was contemplating putting in my papers. Unlike most people I know, I am the kinds without a plan. Like Joker once famously said, "Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just... do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon's got plans ..." Nah, I am nowhere close to the brilliance in thought that Joker represented but I like the whole thing about me not having a plan. At almost 29, not having a plan sounds like sacrilege of modern society and I do face the music at times. But then, I cant help it, can I? Neither could Joker. He just did things. I do things. Not working felt like the thing to do and I am doing it. I am doing not working. Whatever.

Anyways the post is not to whine about it. The post is about a question that has been bugging me for a couple of days now. Since I dont have no motivation to work, I am wasting time, energy, electricity, Internet, water etc. I ought to rather go somewhere else. For someone like me, someone who has no suicidal tendencies, home should be a the next obvious choice. But home bores me. I am tired of staring at the walls that I now intimately. I am bored of things that they show on TV. Even Cartoon Network is not funny anymore. I just cant go home. So if not an office desk and not my room, what else? The third place? That all coffee retailers in the world claim to own? Nah. I dont like coffee. I dont even like the ambiance. I want to goto a place where I could be comfortable. I could be myself. Where I can be silent. Or I may yell at top of my voice. Without being judged. Or be scared.

So where could I go? I could go see a movie by myself. But am I the kinds who likes to be a dark hall by myself surrounded by almost adult kids coochi-cooing? No thank you. I could ask a friend for a lunch or something but then I dont think there is a single individual in whole of corporate India who has this utter disregard for rules as I have. Taking an unannounced leave on a Tuesday for my friends is actually a thing that they could make a folklore out of. One fine day when they would have become CEOs, they would speak with pride that, on a warm August Tuesday, this friend (read I) asked them out for lunch and they took an announced leave for the rest of the day. The jaws of audience would drop as if all the gravity is concentrated on their jaws and they would come out praising the CEO as if he just saved the entire human race from extinction.

What other options do I have? I can drive around the city. May be go see the Ramlila Maidan where Anna sat for 12 days. Or go see the book fair at Pragati Maidan? Or may be just go home and catch on some sleep? I think I shall let a toss of coin decide the fate. But wait, I have three options and the coin usually comes with mere two faces. Reminds me yet another gem by Joker, "You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push".

Fiction! Part of P 0811. Other posts here.

0811 to 0911

There are two agendas today. One is to do a recap of P0811. The other is to put in place goals for P0911.

When I announced 0811, I had 4 things that I wanted to do. Write a post a day, travel, stop eating out and the secret project. I did try writing a post a day. Ended up skipping almost half the month. But then am glad for the other half of the month where I churned out a lot of gibberish. Someday these would start making sense to me. But till then, I am glad that I could churn out those posts. I did manage quite a bit of travel this month. Dopplr tells me that I was away from Delhi for almost ten days. Not bad. I hope September is as much travel. May be more. I am in Goa for DesignYatra between 7th and 11th. Anyone wants to catchup? I did eat out less. And I did not even start work on the Secret Project. All in all a very mediocre month, to say the least. Hopefully, September is better.

Coming to September, like I promised at the beginning of August 2011, the things I would do in a month, September is almost here and its time to announce the Project 0911. Here are the things on agenda.

• Continue the post a day bit. I tried it all of August and I had a lot of enthusiasm towards the beginning. And then as the days past by, I sort of lost interest. I know that I am a bad finisher. With these monthly projects, I am trying to change things that I need to change about myself. From September, I need to ensure that I post each day. And I know that I am traveling but I will post. Even if its unformatted or untagged.
• Rework on the secret project from the month of August. To jog the memory, here it is. Jevgr n obbx ol raq bs guvf zbagu. Gbbx vafcvengvba sebz uggc://jjj.anabjevzb.bet/ naq znxr Nhthfg zl Abiry Jevgvat Zbagu. Gb or ubarfg, ba qnl 1, V qbag ernyyl unir n fpevcg be n cyna. Ohg V jvyy jevgr n 50, 000 jbeqf. Naq yvxr Zngg (Phggf, bs gur Tbbtyr snzr), fnlf, qb rirelguvat va fznyy fgrcf naq V jvyy jevgr 1650 jbeqf rirelqnl. Hint: Rot13.

And thats about it for the time being! I shall add more things as and when I can think of. Godspeed to me!

Blues - Delhi - Connaught Place

Dear Manager at Blues,

Yesterday, some friends and I decided to party and decided to come to Blues. Yours is one of those famous places that serves overcharged alcohol and undercooked food by calling your outlet a pub. For the record, I dont booze. But I dont mind going to these dark caves and hearing loud music.

So I walked to your concierge and asked for a place for 4. And he told me, on my face that, stags weren't allowed. I promptly told him that my friends were running a bit late and would join in. The manager asked me, "do you have any girls?". I could have slapped him for being rude and using a language like that but then you had those goons (aka bouncers) manning the doors. I told the dude that yes there are men and women in my group and they shall be here any moment. The dude told me "wapas jao. come back when you have girls". Again, a moment flashed by when I saw myself slapping him. And by the way I was your place on Wednesday and no one even bothered to ask me what business I had there.

Of course you guys are a private place where you invite public and have reserved the right to admission and can deny anyone at your whims. But it would be courteous if you could give a sane explanation and your goons could talk properly.

By the way, you arent the first place to have denied me an entry. Discrimination is universal. I know that the way I look sucks. I know that I refuse to wear shoes and trim my beard. I know that your other patrons are scared to death because of the way I look. I know that they think I might just flip out a semi automatic and spray them with bullets. But let me assure you none of that is true. I am as educated as your average patron is. I can spend money. I know how to behave in a public place. I know my limits and I very rarely cross them. And when I do, its not at a public place. Especially not yours.

If ever I own a place, I would ensure that I am courteous to patrons.

Let the ambiance of the place and the kind of people you attract dissuade uninvited guests from coming in. For example, you may play rock music and it would ensure that Hindi pop lovers like me would not come in. Case in point, Hard Rock Cafe. They are brilliant and awesome. But I never enjoy going there as rock and beer is not my poison. I refuse all invitations, even when my friends are playing there. I know that I would get bored at a place like HRC.

Anyways whats done is done. I am now sitting in my comfortable office, sipping onto a Gatorade and thinking of some place to go tonight. Can you recommend some place that will not deny me entry? Not Blues please. It sucks. You know what I mean?

Next time I pass by your place and sneer at you or your staff, please know that its me.

Have a good business and life.

Regards,
Almost a patron

P.S.: I hate that I cant do shit about things, because I am NOT Anna Hazare. And I refuse to go the Hazare way. All I can do is, not give my business to you guys ans ensure that when someone asks me for a recommendation, I turn you guys down.

Sad day for India

I wish I could write well. Anna Hazare just took the entire country for a ride. We are but a herd of headless sheep.

Mood: Sad.

For the records, Anna lokpal shit got approval today. Democracy as mode of governance, I am beginning to have my doubts on it :(

So Long, Mr Jobs.

My favorite businessman, shocked the world yet again. He announced his retirement. At a time when no one was expecting it. Of course he has been suffering from some disesase for a long time but no one expecte him to step down. Its truly an end of an era. Steve Jobs would be missed. Goodbye Mr. Jobs. And thank you.

Steve Jobs was the helm when all those iThings were thought about and created. His personality had such a huge impact on the products that it is hard to miss. He made things simpler, intuitive and cleaner. Ofcourse he has his set of limitations but Steve Jobs' net contribution to the human race is very very positive. And no wonder, he is yet one of those people who I would have loved to spend time with. He could have taugh me so much.

Thank You once again Steve (and your enviable team at Apple Computers) for bringing so many cool products to life. You guys showed us how to push limits and yet crave for more.

And in the end, a line that Steve Jobs made famous with his landmark commencement address, Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.

A Phrase a Week

I subscribe to quite a few newsletters (apart from RSS feeds of a lot of blogs and websites). One of those is called a Phrase A Week by Phrases.org. Its an interesting enough letter than tells me about phrases that I used all the time without really knowing what they stood for. I recommend you subscribe to the letter.

Anyways, the point is that I shall convert each phrase that send my way (each week) into a short story (yes I am an aspiring short story writer, amongst all those other aspiring ???ers) and then post them here (or on sandbox).

Often, I crib that I dont have a plot and I dont know what to write about. Of course its a lame excuse that I give to myself to skip work. But then, things have to change. A Phrase a Week is a simple enough solution and is perfect for my needs. Each story can end with a phrase, or drive home the point about it or something. Lets see, how I do it.

One phrase a week and one short story a week. Let me allow someone else to control what I write about. Lets call this project, Project WSD. Project Wo Saat Din.