Move to Delhi has been a roller coaster ride. There have been ups and downs (actually more ups than downs). Anyways, so all this while I have tried to juggle so many things at the same time. And as a result, I was perpetually short of time. So much so that I dint have time to eat. I was eating my meals in the car, en route to meetings/classes etc. I was always cribbing. I was unhappy. I was dissatisfied. I was hungry. And funny thing was that, unhappier I got, more unhappy I wanted to be.
Come to think of it, last three years have been funny. Every single day (except for those ten days of Viapssana), I have lived a life where hyper-connectivity is as important as breathing. My daily routine would include reading those 700 or so sources on my Google Reader, reading 4 newspapers cover to cover (excluding Delhi Times, Brunch, Lounge etc. and including classifieds), tracking my 500 or so “friends” and their lives on FB and twitter.
But for a change, last few days, somehow, I have lived in the real world. I spent time with REAL people. The ones I could touch. The ones I could have the company of. The ones I could debate, argue and share gyaan with.
I watched few movies on television (Seven, Leon, Wanted, Shawshank Redemption). I attended a concert (The Raghu Dixit Project – loved them. They are now my new favorite band. After Faridkot). I gave gyaan to a kid (Hope it helps him. He is as lost as I am. Just that he is 21). I spoke about myself to friends without the fear of being judged (no comments on this one). I met a stranger and fell in love with her nose ring (Havent heard from her after that meeting :|). I slept peacefully (for hours). I re-read bits of English August (and loved it as much I loved it when I read it the first time). I read Then We Came To The End. I started playing pool again (though I suck at it). And I drove my car (at least 2000 KMs in last 5 months) . And I dint ride my bike all this while (poor thing).
In short, I did not do things that I typically do. I did not chase things that I normally chase. I was not bothered about what others were doing in life (and how rich they were getting while I was/am stuck figuring out what to do). I was not living the borrowed life.
And for some reason I have that peace of mind that I have always craved for. Wonder how. May be I am happy when I am doing things at my own pace? May be I am happy when I am not thinking? May be I am happy when I am occupied?
I know I dont have the money. I know am not rich. I know I am not getting anywhere with this. I know this wont last forever but I am truly living in the moment. I am enjoying this bit. Does this mean that I stop chasing success/money/fame/happiness? Does this mean all these 27 years that I spent, chasing interestingness were a waste? I dont know. And I am ok with this ambiguity. Lets go with the flow. And when you know that the time it right, turn it. I like playing the armchair activist.
And in between, I realized that people make me happy. I have this pressing need to have people around me. And not just anyone but they should be special. I should be proud of the fact that they are my friends. The ones who allow me to be what I want to be. I ones who dont ask me questions. The ones who don't expect any answers. The ones who back me up when I need them. The ones who trust me. The ones who are good at heart. The one who allow me to drive their cars (I want to believe that I am an awesome driver btw).
Someone said, ignorants are the most blessed. Last few days I have largely been ignorant. Ignorant of life, so called news (Google and the new search features - I mean why the fuck was I even tracking that in the first place?), happenings (again, why do I want to make an event a corner-piece of my life?), socialite gossip (that girl on twitter is a known attention hog - I mean fine, its her life, let her hog onto anything she wants to. How does it affect me? Why do I want to know about it? What would I do if I know about it?) and other updates. I did not bother myself with any of that.
I wonder why and when did I start chasing these things? And as a result I made myself unhappy. I am sure these things made me feel "connected". I felt I knew the pulse of the world (by reading some 1000 news/views/articles/blogs everyday, by following some 500 strangers on twitter and by tracking status updates of people on FB etc). It was like reading 500 novels at the same time. I could draw family/friends trees for all these 500 people. All of them as temporary as that blip on the radar. I think keeping track of strangers on social network reflects few basic human needs. Of eavesdropping. Of belonging. And its like reading fiction. 500 books at a time. Or watching a large movie (The Truman Show or Life: a Users Manual anyone?) where each character comes with a story and is somehow related. Is this the essence of all this social media hoopla? But what about all those great men and women who apparently are creating a fortune for themselves and their clients in the process? Where people, human beings are treated as mere numbers?
And the worst bit is that to be able to track these seemingly important things, I was ignoring myself. And why? Because I "had" to keep a tab. How could I? That was so mean and selfish. I should have divorced myself years ago ;P
Anyways, next few days, before I enter 2010, I am going to decide on few things that I will do in next few years. I have some clarity on what moves me, what excites me and what would keep me happy. The easy part would be to put it on paper. The tough part, would be to actually live it.