Untitled. Rant. Crib.

Alert: Read at your own peril.

I am going to rant. And rant hard. For I dont know what else to do. I think I am feeling weltschmerz (is that the correct usage? Or is it "suffering from"? I dont even know and you know who taught me about the word? Uday freakin Chopra! And read this article while you are at it). Or may be I am senile - after all I am old enough. I could be frustrated out of my wits. I could be a sore loser. I could be whoever. I have to speak my mind. I dont have a mountain where I could climb atop and scream my lungs out. I wish I had one. Or even an echo chamber. Nah. Or am empty room on the top of a high-rise. Nada.

But, I do have this blog. So here I am.

Rant. In no order.

People who cant work
At work, I try and juggle multiple balls and as a result I meet a lot of people. Most are ok - they do what is expected from them. Some are great at what they do. And some, they just suck. They suck at how they work. May be they are not capable. May be they are capable but are lazy. May be they dont see the big picture. May be there is no pride in being who they are. May be they are amazing and I suck. May be the two of us cant work together. The fault is in the damned stars. So, if the stars are not aligned, may be I need to find a way to steer away from them. Especially as I gear up for 2017.

I know I am being judgmental. I know I am not great at a lot of things I do. But then I try hard, I push myself. I show the intent of working. I try and I fail. But I do not give bloody excuses. Need to make things happen. Need to ship. No more slacking. No more working with people who are lazy. Not any more.

Egos bigger than the freaking Shivaji statue! 
Again at work, I meet people who [in their heads] are larger than life and love to play the blame game. They pass on the buck like those footballers dribble towards a goal. But unlike getting to a goalpost, the shit just gets pushed around in the middle with no end in sight.

What I need is people who ship (like Steve kept saying all his life). People who take ownership and are not scared of taking action. I want to err on the side of action. I am ok losing money, reputation but I want to move forward. Not get stalled.

Traffic in Mumbai
[This is where I rant on non-work things. Phew.]

Traffic in Mumbai has been written about almost everyone - including those who haven't even been here. To be honest, it was actually bearable for a large part. Lately, for some reason, you cant reach from point A to B without getting jacked. I suspect this is because of the construction of Metro. I could be wrong though. Irrespective, I need to find a solution. I cant be stuck in traffic as life passes by me. I mean I am 34. I am mediocre. And yet arrogant. I am poor and yet my head is up my ass so high that I cant see shit. I need to... [look how I started talking of traffic and I am talking about myself. If this is not signs of a disease, what is this?]

Coming back. I need to find a solution to the traffic problem. My work (and hustle) requires me to be on the go all the time and meet people. So traffic is inevitable. I just need to find a way to be able to manage all this and yet grow.

Pool
I recently picked up the cue after ages. I was never a great player but I've always enjoyed being on the table. In fact I love everything competitive. I like when there are goals and I can practise towards them. [This is way different from how I was earlier - where I would want to be left alone and I would want to do things at my pace. Now, I want a measurable targets and the ability and freedom to choose how I work on those]

So, last couple of weeks, I have played almost every day for 30 minutes. Thats a lot of practise for a recreational player. Enough to do well at the table. But I am stuck. I cant seem to hit a straight shot. I dont know how to bank. I've never been able to pull a ball back after you hit a shot. And I am someone who loves the game. WTF is this!

And while I am at it, my other forms of recreation - poker, drives and writing - have seemed to dried up in last few months. I need to get back to em somehow.

Health
Last few days I have some close shaves. There are bruises, cuts, inflammations, pain and dont know what all.

So yeah. The rant. I think I need a break. From the world. From work. From friends. From family. From damned myself. I need to be away and go without a computer. Or a phone. I just want need to go somewhere cold, sleep for hours under a blanket, chase simple pleasures of life - walking, small-talk, tea, coffee etc. And the way things are stacked, I am at least a year away from that.  I actually may get to go away for 4 days between the 5th and 9th of Jan. Yay! 

But then 2016 has been a great year for me. I need to may be let this momentarily lapse in confidence go past me. Thing is, the holiday season could not cheer me up. And the other things that make me happy - travel, money, time, sgMS, I am not getting any of those. So, I dont know what to do and how to be happy. Someone said it perfectly on twitter: "My aalloo parantha is half burnt and thus I cant wait for 2016 to get over." Well, I don't have no aaloo parantha but I cant wait to start 2017.

Over n out.

P.S.: This is the 50th post of the year. Well done, considering how busy I was. #in2017, I promise to write about 100 posts. I know it sucks to focus on quantity but then I am not a wonder kid and I need to do a lot of work to be able to get one tiny thing that is out of the world. Wish me luck.

P.P.S.: Now that I have written this, I think the reason for the gloom is that a lot of small things have piled up, have been piling up for some time and they just came crashing onto me at the same time.

P.P.P.S.: As I write this, iTunes played Neil Young. Now I know what feeling the blues is. Universe, as SRK said, conspires!

Untitled - 8 Dec 2016

So last night, after a long day (where I did not do much to be honest - most of the time was spent in meetings) I was in this super ranty mood. Thankfully, I did not crib much and went to read after posting just one tweet.

For the context, over the last few days I have been putting in super long hours at work. And couple that with my sickness and stupid visits to the doctor at all hours, I am exhausted. So exhausted that there is this small voice in my head that is asking me to let go. It is telling me that I can put all the dreams on a side and go work for a regular company, draw a fat salary and then whatever time I have left after the enforced slavery, I invest that into things that I want to pick up - travel, poker, guitar, fitness, pool and so on and so forth. Impact, individuality, creativity, ego, meaning and everything that I have stood for could go to hell and burn. Burn till even the ashes are burnt. Without leaving a trace of the original Saurabh Garg. I mean how bad could it be to walk around in formal clothes all the time with an identity card dangling from the pocket of that boring shirt you are wearing, while walking to the nearest Starbucks with your colleagues, everyone faking laughter over inane jokes that you would otherwise cringe at? Plus little things will be taken care of - things like coffee machine, AC, stationary, credit cards, home loans. And then I am told you get to enforce your ego on people who report to you and then there is this promise of hunger games. Plus there is some travel once in a while to all those fancy places and the best part? You dont travel like a pauper - you are actually put in a nice hotel and you are not that budget traveller holding on to every rupee (thinking twice before buying that Frappuccino because you can use that money to buy the admission ticket to a museum), ogling at airline lounges with a longing that should be reserved for a lover and most importantly, spend time taking selfies rather than gathering experiences - after all those selfies will get likes on Facebook and make your colleagues jealous and become water-cooler conversations! No?

But then, there is this another voice in my head. Smaller than the one I that wants me to go wear that uniform. This voice tells me that I have a gift. From God, from Providence, from Universe, from that thing that controls all the shit that happens around us, from that random walk of atoms or may be from the randomness around us. The gift of education, a supportive family, an environment that allows me to think, an opinion and the balls and the ability to voice the opinion. Out of 7 billion of us, dont think more than a handful are like that. And its such a crime to not do so when you've won the ovarian lottery.

Thing is, work fills such a large part of life that it sucks to not make meaning with what I do. I just hope that someday all these 16-17 hour days that I am putting in, they count for something in the end. I dont know what is the end. And I dont know what I mean when I say I hope they count. May be its the money I'd make - to be able to buy a star. Or may be its the impact - that I can help impact a billion lives. And I dont know when that would happen. I just want to know that all this is not worthless. I am not a mere cog in the wheel. I am not insignificant. May be it will. May be it will not. I wish I could say I dont care. But I am human. With my ups and downs and last few days have been a string of downs. I need to see a freaking light. Come on, Universe, show me a sign. Please. Your favorite child is imploring!

The year gone by has been very tough and I have slogged really hard. Harder than I have worked in all my life put together. I have made mistakes and I am definitely better than what I was this time last year. They have to add up. They have to stand for something. And the funny thing is, I dont see that happening. May be it will. Hopefully sooner than later. And then, that day, I'd look back to this blogpost and laugh it away.

Some day. Inshallah.

Till then...

The Fanboy Misunderstanding and other things

The Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, J Jayalalita, passed away last night (or may be it was early morning - either way, I dont care). She was unwell for some time and good that her suffering has ended. I did not know much about her and I dont know if I want to know about her. Politics interest me but I am far from making it my profession and hence. Anyway, the point is not her death. The point is that I fail to understand what makes the common man get so fanatical about the fandom for a political / public figure that he's crying out loud and is ok to get down to rampage. I saw the same first hand when Balasaheb passed away. I heard of similar stories when Rama 9 went away. People were on fasts and all that when Amitabh Bachchan was injured while shooting for Coolie. I mean what makes people go that fanatic?

Me on the other hand, the guy that I have been the biggest fan of, Steve Jobs, when I heard he had died, I was sad. I actually had tears. But after a bit, I was ok. I did not want to destroy things. I took inspiration from his life and I decided to do more with mine. I was sad but then I was not that vocal about things. May be its me. May be I am broken. Whatever it is. I will not understand what makes people do things they do. May be I would never know.

Moving on. Next thing on my mind is reading. I spent a large part of the day reading and I loved it. Not a book but articles, news and other such things. I realised how much I loved reading. I had forgotten how it was to read. I have to start reading again. I am going to get hold of books and read them while commuting, while waiting and so on and so forth.

While staying on the topic, I need to start writing again. Everyday.

Thing is, I have to take back the control of my life. I can not be a slave to work. If I have to cut down on work, I will. So the things that I need to pick up are reading, writing, connecting with people, learning new hobbies, teaching and traveling.

Phew! Thats it for the time being.

P.S.: Not the best of "blog-post" but there is something out and that counts more than anything else. Onward and upward.

The Inquiry into (our) Immortality

Note: This is the second time when I am considering my morality. Last time, it was a Hernia. This time, I dont know yet - I still need to see a doc. May be by EOD today. Or tomorrow first thing. 

So, something happened and I am worried that I am dying. Of course with each passing day I am walking a step toward to my death, but in the normal course of things, its not happening anytime soon. I think I have another 50 years or so, if all goes well. And if they find a solution to the ageing problem, who knows. What I meant by 'I am dying' is that I may have a disease that could expedite the process and I may not have those 50 years. Far less. Something like less than a year.

A week back I thought I was going to die. Despite my known aversion for doctors and hospitals, I went and went through the process. At the end of which the doc has still not been able to find out what caused it and if there would be a reoccurrence. But they've given me a clean chit of health.

While I am relieved, there were a few days when I thought my time has come. And all sort of thoughts clouded my head - good and bad. Motivating and depressing. There were questions on the reason of our existence. The future. The life after death. The non-stop wheel of life. The tick-tock. And...

Anyhow. The thing is I realised that the suspense hurts more than the actual outcome. Probably, the actual outcome hurts more. I wont know till I go. But if I knew, I could prepare for things. I could move on. Actually, come to think of it, this is a good time to plan for it.

So, hypothetically, assuming I have less than a year, what would I do? Here is a list, in no particular order.

• Spend as much time with my family as possible. Of course you cant be just at home and while away time. I will have to find a vocation, some work that fills in large part of the time. What it essentially means is that I will not waste time in commute, long meetings and all such things. 
• Try and make as much money as I can so that my family has it comfortable once I am gone. Of course not do things that make random people chase them.  
• Say sorry to everyone who I my've rubbed the wrong way. While I try to not do it in the first place, I am sure there are people who'd have a bone to pick with me. I will fix those relationships. 
• Work on my fitness. Well, funny as it may sound but till the last minute I dont want to be supported. This is the scariest and sorriest image I've ever seen (alert: open at your own risk).
• Write more. You could write all you want and it will always be less. I dont know why I love to write. I dont really have anything great to give back in terms of what I write. My writing style is super simple. What I write is not deep. My grammar is anyway limited. So, why write? I dont know. But I have to. May be, do it for the sake of doing it. Its about time I start working on it. Today. 
• Clean my tracks. I am not sure how to go about doing this but I mean when I am gone, I dont want someone else to sort through my books, my drawers, my almirahs, my phone, my email and other "my" things and go through the agony and pain. May be this is why minimalism is such a revered way of life! 

Thats about it. Come to think of it, it could be tomorrow. Or it could be a year. Or 50 years. Or 500. How about work on these things from today? Why not! So, may be, I will start those things. I am already on the way to some of those. I just need to expedite it! What about you? Do you have a plan? What if you had a year? Or less?

The sickness also made me dig my notes that I had made when I was unwell last time around. I did a quick comparison and found out that a lot has changed since then. I am actually a better person! 

Here's how. 

A. I am little more on track - I still dont know what I want from life but I think I enjoy life on a day to day basis (including work, personal relationships, family etc). I have some savings. I have a vague plan. I have people who are helping me put those plan in motion. I have identified my purpose in life (which is to help others achieve their purpose - lol but I am serious). I have started taking some action. Brings me to the next point.

B. This time there is action. Unlike all my life where I have just planned, I am actually doing things. Rajesh is in a large part responsible for this. Agony aunt is for the other large part. sgMS remains a motivation. The point is, now there is action, I dont want to stop. I can not die without achieving what I am destined to. And if I do die before that, it would be a shame. On me and on Universe.

C. I believe I am more ready to give back. To impact. To pay it forward. Something that I have largely believed to be my life goal, my life purpose (read A as well). And now that I am so close to it, it would be a shame to go without doing it.

So yeah. This is it. Apologies for a not-so-happy post to start the day and the week. But its something that sooner we confront, better it is.

And in case you want to help me, point me to things that help me do A, B or C faster. Or better.

Thanks!

P.S.: I sincerely dont know if I am dying or if this is a mere hyperbole, I do believe that life is short.

P.P.S.: Why a blog? Because I dont know how else to confront it. I am too weak to talk about this seriously to someone I know. Does this tell me something about myself? May be.

P.P.P.S.: There are more times when I've thought of dying. While flying, while thinking about sgMS (I dont want to die ever when am with her). When Steve Jobs died. And lately I've been reading books by people who knew who were dying and they wrote memoirs - Paul Kalanithi, Randy Pausch, Eugene O Kelly. In fact last night I saw this video where it echoes my feelings about love. The point is, it is such a powerful thing that you realise the insignificance of it all. Everything that bothers you, has bothered you is of no freaking consequence!