So last night, after a long day (where I did not do much to be honest - most of the time was spent in meetings) I was in this super ranty mood. Thankfully, I did not crib much and went to read after posting just one tweet.
For the context, over the last few days I have been putting in super long hours at work. And couple that with my sickness and stupid visits to the doctor at all hours, I am exhausted. So exhausted that there is this small voice in my head that is asking me to let go. It is telling me that I can put all the dreams on a side and go work for a regular company, draw a fat salary and then whatever time I have left after the enforced slavery, I invest that into things that I want to pick up - travel, poker, guitar, fitness, pool and so on and so forth. Impact, individuality, creativity, ego, meaning and everything that I have stood for could go to hell and burn. Burn till even the ashes are burnt. Without leaving a trace of the original Saurabh Garg. I mean how bad could it be to walk around in formal clothes all the time with an identity card dangling from the pocket of that boring shirt you are wearing, while walking to the nearest Starbucks with your colleagues, everyone faking laughter over inane jokes that you would otherwise cringe at? Plus little things will be taken care of - things like coffee machine, AC, stationary, credit cards, home loans. And then I am told you get to enforce your ego on people who report to you and then there is this promise of hunger games. Plus there is some travel once in a while to all those fancy places and the best part? You dont travel like a pauper - you are actually put in a nice hotel and you are not that budget traveller holding on to every rupee (thinking twice before buying that Frappuccino because you can use that money to buy the admission ticket to a museum), ogling at airline lounges with a longing that should be reserved for a lover and most importantly, spend time taking selfies rather than gathering experiences - after all those selfies will get likes on Facebook and make your colleagues jealous and become water-cooler conversations! No?
But then, there is this another voice in my head. Smaller than the one I that wants me to go wear that uniform. This voice tells me that I have a gift. From God, from Providence, from Universe, from that thing that controls all the shit that happens around us, from that random walk of atoms or may be from the randomness around us. The gift of education, a supportive family, an environment that allows me to think, an opinion and the balls and the ability to voice the opinion. Out of 7 billion of us, dont think more than a handful are like that. And its such a crime to not do so when you've won the ovarian lottery.
Thing is, work fills such a large part of life that it sucks to not make meaning with what I do. I just hope that someday all these 16-17 hour days that I am putting in, they count for something in the end. I dont know what is the end. And I dont know what I mean when I say I hope they count. May be its the money I'd make - to be able to buy a star. Or may be its the impact - that I can help impact a billion lives. And I dont know when that would happen. I just want to know that all this is not worthless. I am not a mere cog in the wheel. I am not insignificant. May be it will. May be it will not. I wish I could say I dont care. But I am human. With my ups and downs and last few days have been a string of downs. I need to see a freaking light. Come on, Universe, show me a sign. Please. Your favorite child is imploring!
The year gone by has been very tough and I have slogged really hard. Harder than I have worked in all my life put together. I have made mistakes and I am definitely better than what I was this time last year. They have to add up. They have to stand for something. And the funny thing is, I dont see that happening. May be it will. Hopefully sooner than later. And then, that day, I'd look back to this blogpost and laugh it away.
Some day. Inshallah.