Move to Delhi has been a roller coaster ride. There have been ups and downs (actually more ups than downs). Anyways, so all this while I have tried to juggle so many things at the same time. And as a result, I was perpetually short of time. So much so that I dint have time to eat. I was eating my meals in the car, en route to meetings/classes etc. I was always cribbing. I was unhappy. I was dissatisfied. I was hungry. And funny thing was that, unhappier I got, more unhappy I wanted to be.
Come to think of it, last three years have been funny. Every single day (except for those ten days of Viapssana), I have lived a life where hyper-connectivity is as important as breathing. My daily routine would include reading those 700 or so sources on my Google Reader, reading 4 newspapers cover to cover (excluding Delhi Times, Brunch, Lounge etc. and including classifieds), tracking my 500 or so “friends” and their lives on FB and twitter.
But for a change, last few days, somehow, I have lived in the real world. I spent time with REAL people. The ones I could touch. The ones I could have the company of. The ones I could debate, argue and share gyaan with.
I watched few movies on television (Seven, Leon, Wanted, Shawshank Redemption). I attended a concert (The Raghu Dixit Project – loved them. They are now my new favorite band. After Faridkot). I gave gyaan to a kid (Hope it helps him. He is as lost as I am. Just that he is 21). I spoke about myself to friends without the fear of being judged (no comments on this one). I met a stranger and fell in love with her nose ring (Havent heard from her after that meeting :|). I slept peacefully (for hours). I re-read bits of English August (and loved it as much I loved it when I read it the first time). I read Then We Came To The End. I started playing pool again (though I suck at it). And I drove my car (at least 2000 KMs in last 5 months) . And I dint ride my bike all this while (poor thing).
In short, I did not do things that I typically do. I did not chase things that I normally chase. I was not bothered about what others were doing in life (and how rich they were getting while I was/am stuck figuring out what to do). I was not living the borrowed life.
And for some reason I have that peace of mind that I have always craved for. Wonder how. May be I am happy when I am doing things at my own pace? May be I am happy when I am not thinking? May be I am happy when I am occupied?
I know I dont have the money. I know am not rich. I know I am not getting anywhere with this. I know this wont last forever but I am truly living in the moment. I am enjoying this bit. Does this mean that I stop chasing success/money/fame/happiness? Does this mean all these 27 years that I spent, chasing interestingness were a waste? I dont know. And I am ok with this ambiguity. Lets go with the flow. And when you know that the time it right, turn it. I like playing the armchair activist.
And in between, I realized that people make me happy. I have this pressing need to have people around me. And not just anyone but they should be special. I should be proud of the fact that they are my friends. The ones who allow me to be what I want to be. I ones who dont ask me questions. The ones who don't expect any answers. The ones who back me up when I need them. The ones who trust me. The ones who are good at heart. The one who allow me to drive their cars (I want to believe that I am an awesome driver btw).
Someone said, ignorants are the most blessed. Last few days I have largely been ignorant. Ignorant of life, so called news (Google and the new search features - I mean why the fuck was I even tracking that in the first place?), happenings (again, why do I want to make an event a corner-piece of my life?), socialite gossip (that girl on twitter is a known attention hog - I mean fine, its her life, let her hog onto anything she wants to. How does it affect me? Why do I want to know about it? What would I do if I know about it?) and other updates. I did not bother myself with any of that.
I wonder why and when did I start chasing these things? And as a result I made myself unhappy. I am sure these things made me feel "connected". I felt I knew the pulse of the world (by reading some 1000 news/views/articles/blogs everyday, by following some 500 strangers on twitter and by tracking status updates of people on FB etc). It was like reading 500 novels at the same time. I could draw family/friends trees for all these 500 people. All of them as temporary as that blip on the radar. I think keeping track of strangers on social network reflects few basic human needs. Of eavesdropping. Of belonging. And its like reading fiction. 500 books at a time. Or watching a large movie (The Truman Show or Life: a Users Manual anyone?) where each character comes with a story and is somehow related. Is this the essence of all this social media hoopla? But what about all those great men and women who apparently are creating a fortune for themselves and their clients in the process? Where people, human beings are treated as mere numbers?
And the worst bit is that to be able to track these seemingly important things, I was ignoring myself. And why? Because I "had" to keep a tab. How could I? That was so mean and selfish. I should have divorced myself years ago ;P
Anyways, next few days, before I enter 2010, I am going to decide on few things that I will do in next few years. I have some clarity on what moves me, what excites me and what would keep me happy. The easy part would be to put it on paper. The tough part, would be to actually live it.
Application for Bakarland
Suna hai ki aaj kal Govt. of India is being very generous with giving out new states. It is a great victory for Telangana. And now lets wait for Purvanchal, Garhwal, Gorkhaland, Jaatland and all the other states.
It would be awesome to see the country divided into 1000 states. Each asking for autonomy. Each fighting for control. Each wanting to be better than others. Each trying to grow bigger. And thus fighting with each other. And this is good only. After all more we fight, more oied the machinery would be. And better we would be equipped to prevent ourselves from terror strikes from outside. Ghar main to jo bhi ladai hogi we can tackle them. After all bhai bhai sey nahin ladega to kissay ladega.
We dont need to look at future. Lets go back to the times when India was a nation of princely states. That was so cool. Everyone would have large quilas and hamams and their own forces to prevent invasion. Lets get back to those anarchic times. Rich would get richer. Poor will get poorer. Lets do it. Lets file application for our own states. I want a state and I want to call it Bakarland. I already have few people agreeing to it. I want to start a petition on one of those websites and create campaigns on FB, twitter etc.
Lekin what about all the problems that new states would create? The geography books are going to be so heavy. Thicker than the bible. I cant even imagine the hard time that class 5 students would have remembering the number of states (leave alone capitals and their chief ministers) that India has. I myself dont know. Last count it was 28. Or was it 29? What about the ones who make those maps? We would have new maps every month. Nice. I remember as a kid I used to buy political and geographical maps of India. For 50 paise each. We were given assignments to mark rivers and states and I always used to get them right. I knew where was which river and I knew names of all seven sisters. Right now I can only think of Arunachal, Meghalaya, Assam, Manipur. It sucks. There are 3 more states and I dont even know their names. And then imagine how easy it would be for people to play that Name Place Animal Thing with so many new places to think of. And then we would have Bakarland Navnirman Sena. We would fight for every one interested in Bakar. We would take out processions and seek reservations in companies for Bakarians.
Possibilities are endless. Lets fight for our rights. Lets stand united for the cause Together we can. Together we will. Reminds me of Suhaib Illyasi's India's most wanted!
And while writing this, I was listening to Harivansh Rai Bachchan's Madhushala. And uncanny how I was on these lines ...
It would be awesome to see the country divided into 1000 states. Each asking for autonomy. Each fighting for control. Each wanting to be better than others. Each trying to grow bigger. And thus fighting with each other. And this is good only. After all more we fight, more oied the machinery would be. And better we would be equipped to prevent ourselves from terror strikes from outside. Ghar main to jo bhi ladai hogi we can tackle them. After all bhai bhai sey nahin ladega to kissay ladega.
We dont need to look at future. Lets go back to the times when India was a nation of princely states. That was so cool. Everyone would have large quilas and hamams and their own forces to prevent invasion. Lets get back to those anarchic times. Rich would get richer. Poor will get poorer. Lets do it. Lets file application for our own states. I want a state and I want to call it Bakarland. I already have few people agreeing to it. I want to start a petition on one of those websites and create campaigns on FB, twitter etc.
Lekin what about all the problems that new states would create? The geography books are going to be so heavy. Thicker than the bible. I cant even imagine the hard time that class 5 students would have remembering the number of states (leave alone capitals and their chief ministers) that India has. I myself dont know. Last count it was 28. Or was it 29? What about the ones who make those maps? We would have new maps every month. Nice. I remember as a kid I used to buy political and geographical maps of India. For 50 paise each. We were given assignments to mark rivers and states and I always used to get them right. I knew where was which river and I knew names of all seven sisters. Right now I can only think of Arunachal, Meghalaya, Assam, Manipur. It sucks. There are 3 more states and I dont even know their names. And then imagine how easy it would be for people to play that Name Place Animal Thing with so many new places to think of. And then we would have Bakarland Navnirman Sena. We would fight for every one interested in Bakar. We would take out processions and seek reservations in companies for Bakarians.
Possibilities are endless. Lets fight for our rights. Lets stand united for the cause Together we can. Together we will. Reminds me of Suhaib Illyasi's India's most wanted!
And while writing this, I was listening to Harivansh Rai Bachchan's Madhushala. And uncanny how I was on these lines ...
musalamaan aur hindoo hai do, ek magar unkaa pyala,
ek magar unkaa madiralay ek magar unkii hala,
donon rahate ek n jab tak masjid mandir main jaate,
bair badaate masjid mandir, mel karaatii madhushala!
What sucks more?
The fact that you know that she still loves you?
OR
The fact that she knows that you know that she still loves you?
OR
The fact that you know that she knows that you know that she still loves you?
CTU Ringtone
Phase 1, 2 and 3
NOTE: After my last post, Couple of people asked me to repost this. Here is the post. Verbatim. Havent changed anything.
When you are on a trip, there are three phases that you go through. More mental than physical, these phases are what it makes riding so special.
So Phase 1 is when you have just started the trip and you are dreaming of all the good things that you would go through during the course of the ride. You already start dreaming of time when your thoughts are racing ahead of your bike that fast that your mind becomes numb, the road blurs and the roar of the bike is no longer there. The bike becomes a part of your body and its sound, your heartbeat. You can feel it. You can feel it coming. You are anticipating for the happy times.
Phase 2 is the actual state of bliss. The state that you dream of when you just set out to ride. This phase lasts just about few minutes before you are interrupted but these minutes are something that make the entire ordeal worth it. Some might want to compare this pleasure with orgasm. This is the time when your thoughts actually start to flow. This is that mental state that all the sages try to achieve. The state when they say they have attained nirvana. When everything else ceases to matter. Everything is put on hold. You ignore everything. All things big and all things small. You live in the now. You become part of it. You are now. You don’t make any grandiose plans. Things become clear. Clouds start parting.
And then the Phase 3. It’s like coming back from heaven. Or from hell for that matter. This is the time when you start thinking what to do next. About the next destination and the next journey. This is when you start reflecting on things. And most of your introspection happens. This is where you think about things that you are running away from and things that you are running towards. This is where you decide you want to change jobs, marry her, create a company, get rich, quit, restart, change world. This is where you actually plan it. First. Thoughts just pop up. You never thought you would think about those things. You never imagined you could think about those things. They suddenly appear out of nowhere.
That’s a different story that most of them are gone by the time the dust settles down. Some people do get lucky. They remember what they have been thinking about. What they need to do once they are back.
About me, I am about 2 rides old. Both of them less than 100 Kms. And I cant even imagine the joy and pain of an overnight ride. What would motivate someone to ride an entire day, sleep with a stiff back and get up next morning to go through the ordeal all over again. And with no one around to boast about this ride. No certificates to show. No titles to chase or defend. The entire idea looks anti-civilization to me. Weren't we suppose to settle down? Weren’t we supposed to be a part of a never-ending rat race? Weren't we supposed to slog and slog till one day when we realize we are 80 and we did everything but know ourselves better? And come to think of it, why exactly would one want to know himself better?
Most riders, including myself don’t think all this when they plan a ride. They just do it. They just want to get away. They want to run. They want to see places. They want to explore. Each trip brings with itself its own set of discoveries. And each trip creates its own set of memories.
Like this Rabbi Shergill song … “jaddon na kujh agge disse tahiyon bandaa vekhe picche”. Literally translated, “When you can’t see ahead, that is when you think about your past”.
I read somewhere that us humans work towards only one thing – that we would be missed when we are not around. I think everyone is trying to be immortal. We are trying not to die. We are trying to stay here forever. The rides are probably a step closer to that ever-elusive immortality. Some get it, when they are riding. And some unlucky ones don’t. The lucky ones get their bragging rights. And unlucky ones, get to ride another ride. Not much to chose between the two if you ask me.
We live our lives trying to be someone we are not. We look at all the wonderful things around us and suddenly we think we are supermen. We can do everything that everyone else is doing. And excel at it. And compete with people who have spent their lives working towards getting just a slight edge over you. We are not born with biking in our DNA. We grow up and along the way see someone or experience something that tilts our needles towards biking. I think, like all the trips, this post needs to be left hanging in air. In anticipation.
Of what?
I don't know. Yet.
When you are on a trip, there are three phases that you go through. More mental than physical, these phases are what it makes riding so special.
So Phase 1 is when you have just started the trip and you are dreaming of all the good things that you would go through during the course of the ride. You already start dreaming of time when your thoughts are racing ahead of your bike that fast that your mind becomes numb, the road blurs and the roar of the bike is no longer there. The bike becomes a part of your body and its sound, your heartbeat. You can feel it. You can feel it coming. You are anticipating for the happy times.
Phase 2 is the actual state of bliss. The state that you dream of when you just set out to ride. This phase lasts just about few minutes before you are interrupted but these minutes are something that make the entire ordeal worth it. Some might want to compare this pleasure with orgasm. This is the time when your thoughts actually start to flow. This is that mental state that all the sages try to achieve. The state when they say they have attained nirvana. When everything else ceases to matter. Everything is put on hold. You ignore everything. All things big and all things small. You live in the now. You become part of it. You are now. You don’t make any grandiose plans. Things become clear. Clouds start parting.
And then the Phase 3. It’s like coming back from heaven. Or from hell for that matter. This is the time when you start thinking what to do next. About the next destination and the next journey. This is when you start reflecting on things. And most of your introspection happens. This is where you think about things that you are running away from and things that you are running towards. This is where you decide you want to change jobs, marry her, create a company, get rich, quit, restart, change world. This is where you actually plan it. First. Thoughts just pop up. You never thought you would think about those things. You never imagined you could think about those things. They suddenly appear out of nowhere.
That’s a different story that most of them are gone by the time the dust settles down. Some people do get lucky. They remember what they have been thinking about. What they need to do once they are back.
About me, I am about 2 rides old. Both of them less than 100 Kms. And I cant even imagine the joy and pain of an overnight ride. What would motivate someone to ride an entire day, sleep with a stiff back and get up next morning to go through the ordeal all over again. And with no one around to boast about this ride. No certificates to show. No titles to chase or defend. The entire idea looks anti-civilization to me. Weren't we suppose to settle down? Weren’t we supposed to be a part of a never-ending rat race? Weren't we supposed to slog and slog till one day when we realize we are 80 and we did everything but know ourselves better? And come to think of it, why exactly would one want to know himself better?
Most riders, including myself don’t think all this when they plan a ride. They just do it. They just want to get away. They want to run. They want to see places. They want to explore. Each trip brings with itself its own set of discoveries. And each trip creates its own set of memories.
Like this Rabbi Shergill song … “jaddon na kujh agge disse tahiyon bandaa vekhe picche”. Literally translated, “When you can’t see ahead, that is when you think about your past”.
I read somewhere that us humans work towards only one thing – that we would be missed when we are not around. I think everyone is trying to be immortal. We are trying not to die. We are trying to stay here forever. The rides are probably a step closer to that ever-elusive immortality. Some get it, when they are riding. And some unlucky ones don’t. The lucky ones get their bragging rights. And unlucky ones, get to ride another ride. Not much to chose between the two if you ask me.
We live our lives trying to be someone we are not. We look at all the wonderful things around us and suddenly we think we are supermen. We can do everything that everyone else is doing. And excel at it. And compete with people who have spent their lives working towards getting just a slight edge over you. We are not born with biking in our DNA. We grow up and along the way see someone or experience something that tilts our needles towards biking. I think, like all the trips, this post needs to be left hanging in air. In anticipation.
Of what?
I don't know. Yet.
Ten Minutes
I wrote this while going for a meeting to Faridabad (some 35 KMs from where I stay). I was driving in my dad's car and like always, had put on a CD with my favorite music on it.
Compare this to this post I wrote on three phases that you go through while you are biking.
First ten mins. OMG. Its very far. Next ten. Nice music. Next ten. Yawn, bored of listening to the same music again and again. Next ten you curse the traffic. Wonder why you dint notice the traffic all this while. Next ten you realize its close to an hour since you started. And you are surprised that you managed to kill yet another hour of your life while driving. And you never realized it. And next ten, you dread the next thirty or so minutes that you will take to reach your destination.
Compare this to this post I wrote on three phases that you go through while you are biking.
Late Night Shifts
Love working at nights. No phone calls. No pesky bosses. No door bells. No girlfriends. No traffic. No Aaj Tak. No breaking news. No where to go. Nothing else to do. Work. And bliss.
While writing this, I was in the middle of composing a long email (to VP and RK), working on a sitemap (for SS), a phone call (from VG) and a session of poker (on FB).
Written at 1:31 AM, Friday, December the 4th, 2009.
While writing this, I was in the middle of composing a long email (to VP and RK), working on a sitemap (for SS), a phone call (from VG) and a session of poker (on FB).
Written at 1:31 AM, Friday, December the 4th, 2009.
Then We Came To The End
Joshua, in his painfully funny book, Then we came to the end, says
Some people would never forget certain people, a few people would remember everyone, and most of us would mostly be forgotten.
How true. The quote.
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