2009: the year that was...

I am at Delhi airport. Waiting to take the flight to Mumbai. Like most thing in my life, there is no agenda for this trip to Mumbai. And like all other things, this trip was planned at the last minute. There are no specifics, no reasons why I wanted to see Mumbai. Only a vague sense of reason and some amount of gut feel. In fact, think of it, most things I do, I do because of these two.

Anyways the idea of the post is recap things that I did in 2009. Mumbai is a different and longish rant. Lets keep it pending for some other time.

So, here is a quick and dirty list of things I did and things I did not in 2009.. In no particular order.

1. I resigned from my job (July). Second resignation in three years post MBA. GE Money and now Creativeland Asia. Both for different reasons. Both times, trying to chase hope and dream big.
2. I did Vipassana (Sep). This is the first time I was quiet for 9 days on the trot. Last time I was this quite, it would have been the time when I was still a toddler and hadnt learnt talking. I am told I took 2 years to start talking. No wonder I am catching up on the lost time by all the talking that I do.
3. I finally took the Mensa test and got the membership (June).
4. I applied for TED fellowship and I did not get it. I knew and still know that I deserve it as much as rest of the 100 fellows who got it. But as they say, life aint no fair. Shall keep trying.
5. I started a company with Kunal (Aug). 10 years after we started working together and dreaming about owning businesses. This one is nothing to write home about but our pipeline is full.
6. I finally started teaching full time (Aug). Although what I teach is inconsequential but it still is addressing a batch of students none the less. And I now know that I enjoy teaching. Need to think more and take this forward.
7. I started writing a book. A piece of fiction. But left it midway for reasons that I dont know myself. I dont even know where those chapters are.
8. I realized that I could be wrong. And more importantly, I realized that its ok to be wrong. As long as you tried.
9. I discovered that I love advertising, media, entertainment, design and technology businesses. Of course I am an outsider, young, incompetent, inexperienced, "un"talented, dreamer, naive et al. Along with these disadvantages and more, I do have all the advantages that outsiders have. I can look at things from unbiased perspective. I can slaughter the sacred cows. I can dare. I can change. I can improve. I am the new.
10. I moved back to Delhi. Though I do miss Mumbai and all the fun I had in Mumbai. Is it the people that I miss? Or the place? I shall never know. It sucks how friends drift apart with passage of time.
11. I got my Royal Enfield Bullet Electra 5S (April). I have been thinking of buying it for about 15 years (not exaggerating). And its one of the best decisions that I have made in my life.
12. I learnt how to fold a paper into a crane (April), juggle three balls at the same time, drive a car, be diplomatic and live with a bald head.
13. I started watching movies (Dec). Of all the ones that I saw in 2009, the Shawshank Redemption impressed me most.
14. Met tons and tons of people. I got their contacts from Twitter, Facebook, MDIJFK, friends, family etc. Most have been helpful. Wish they could actually DO rather than just talking.
15. Discovered the world of Poker (Sep). I am not good as it as yet but I am practicing. Plan to be a part of WPT some day.

And few insignificant numbers (I do love numbers, especially when they are useless).

• 147 - number of blogposts in 2009 till date. At the rate, I should end the year with 150.
• 6 - number of years I have been blogging now.
• 27 - my age
• 1722 - time on my laptop. My flight takes off at 1820. I need to board at 1740.
• 2 - number of bags I am carrying.
  
• 3 - number of tabs I have open on my Google Chrome.
• 126, 415 - number of chips I have on Zynga Poker. And that is what I am going to do till my flight is announced.

See you in Mumbai.

P.S.: Now that I am reviewing the post, I should have done this in a chronological order with months adding to the structure.

The Secret Sauce

Its been quite some time that I have been thinking of what makes people tick. I mean what makes an Aamir Khan make movies and go all out to make them hit? What makes a Manmohan Singh wake up in the morning and go about governing the country? What makes a Sachin Tendulkar go out and hit centuries after centuries? What makes an A. R. Rahman create those soulful melodies? What is it that makes a soldier to toil in extreme conditions and protect our country? What makes a bus driver drive that same DTC bus? What makes a liftman shuttle between floors in a high rise? The liftman, cant even see the sun, the moon or any of those million wonderful things that the world has to offer. What is that makes all my friends and family go about their mundane lives? What the fuck ... what is making me write this? When I know that no one cares what random gibberish I am generating (except Google Ads perhaps) and when I know that I this would serve no purpose. What makes human beings do things they do?

What is the secret sauce? What is their mojo?

The conspiracy theorist in me speculates that it is the want of money, fame, power, sex, acceptance, affirmation or more than one of these, that makes humans do what they do. Like I told a friend yesterday, all this (the life) is a game, we are mere players ("All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players" anyone?). We are chasing things that we think will give us happiness. For some people, its about winning the game. For some its the chase (I belong to the chase category). For some its the mere understanding that they are in the game. And then some, dont even realize that they are in it (till they reach their level of happiness/dissatisfaction).

Apart from this, I havent been able to find an answer. I have been able to spot some patterns though. For starters, the ones who seem to be exited about what they do are redefining things that they do. Warren Buffett. Bill Gates. Steve Jobs. Sachin. Michael Phelps. Name them and you would know that they are the ones that are redefining things that they are doing. They define new paradigms. They change things. They push the human race forward. And more importantly, they know that they are doing it.

And then, correlated it may seem, the thing that they do becomes synonymous with them. Sachin. Batting. Batting. Sachin. Investing. Warren Buffett. Warren Buffett. Investing. So on and so forth.

They dont seem to do it for money. Money comes as a byproduct. They seemed to have spent years honing the art/craft/science. They do what ticks them. They do what they enjoy doing. And by sheer hardwork, they have been able to get so good at it that money has started following them.

And, IMHO, the challenge is not getting good at it. But challenge is to identify it. To understand your "it". Once you know "what", its a matter of "when". I havent been able to identify it as yet. I do have some clues. Do they excite me? Yes, right now, they do. Can I redefine them? I am not sure. Can they define me? I dont know. I am putting together the ingredients for my secret sauce. Mind it, my secret sauce is personal, tastes very different from anyone elses (even different from WEB's, SRT's etc.), satisfies just me and no one else. And most importantly, I relish it. And the best part? Even if I shared the recipe, no one would be able to steal my secret sauce. The taste remains with me.

And that brings me to these three questions. What is your secret sauce? What defines you? What are you redefining?

Review: Avatar

Alert: This is more of a rant than the review.

I just came back from a screening of Avatar. Apparently they spent about 4 years and USD 200 mn on making this movie. And they created software and hardware (cameras et al) specifically for this film. And they had to push the release date so that theaters across the world could install 3d screens. And not to mention the special language and culture that was created for the inhabitants of Pandora.

Avatar probably got more hype than any other movie ever. I have never wanted to watch a film so much. All friends on FB, contacts on twitter and other assorted certified happening people had been raving about it. How could I miss it? And be left out on the impending discussions?

So, coming to the movie, the movie is very long. It seemed like eternity before the intermission came. In one of the scenes, I almost wagered my hair that a rain dance - transparent clothes - romantic song was around the corner. And the movie ended in too much of melodrama.

I do have some questions though. Why is that the hero never dies? Why is that the good always wins? Why is that the hero gets the bet weapons and hottest girl? And finally, towards the end, they allow couple of humans to stay back. Both are men. I wonder ...

Amazing ideas. Brilliant execution. Only thing that lacked was the story and the screenplay. Every kid knows that in the battle between good and evil, good always wins. Even before the movie ended, you could predict that good would win. The predictable could have been made unpredictable but it was too predictable. I could predict the predictable predictable. And that my friends, is a grammatically correct sentence.

In the end, is the movie worth watching? It is. For the colors, images, imagination. Is the movie great? No. Could they have spent those 200 mn dollars and 4 year better? Definitely Yes.

And the best part? Dinner at McDonalds and drive back home!

Wishlist for 2010

Apart from Money, Travel, Peace and Happyness, there are few things that I really want to acquire/buy/steal/own/use in 2010.

• A dictaphone. There are times when I want to take notes. And more than using a paper and a pen, I want to speak them out. Like when I am riding @sgElectra. Or may be when I am about to sleep. A dictaphone can come in handy for all these occasions.
• An Urdu/Hindi/English Pocket dictionary. I so want to learn new words in all these three languages. Wish there was a tool available (apart from wordlists and all that). A good dictionary is one of those few solutions that I have been able to think of. Anything else?
• A point and click basic camera. I really want to revive my photoblog. I know I can click good pictures. I have an eye for interestingness. And at times things that I find interesting catch attention of others. I had a Canon A 75 but its almost dead. Need to buy another one.
  
• An ebook reader. A Kindle perhaps? May be, may be not. I like reading in my free time and an ebok reader saves me weight and time.
• A bag. To carry all of the above.
  

These things are more functional than lifestyle. More to do with randomness and mental masturbation.

What is Therapeutic?

And you know what I find therapeutic? when you are in your car and there is a thin layer of dust on the windscreen, you spray water on the screen and the vipers clean that thin layer of dust. that my friends is therapeutic!

Written originally as a reply to a friends' email.

Looking forward...

Next few days would be exciting. Things are happening. I can feel it. Something is just around the corner. No, not THE JATC. Wahan to Keera rehta hai. I mean bas kuch hone wala hai. Kuch bada. Something that will make me happy. I dont know if its work, or that new secret project, or the NR/NS, or the the planned rides on @sgElectra, or the upcoming Mumbai trip, or something that I dont know yet.

I am looking forward to ...

to couple of new assignments that are falling in place, hopefully they do
to the see documentary that I am downloading right now
to the upcoming Mumbai trip, either late this Dec, or early Jan
to the new secret project with Dhoomketu and Byomkesh
to riding sgElectra with kAgE and kgElectra, after we get the machines serviced on Monday
to the gym that I have shortlisted, havent joined though!

to 2010.
to a new life.

Quotes from Shawshank Redemption

Finally I saw it. And yes I like it. Here are few quotes that I loved.

Dufrense to Red, in the letter

Dear Red, If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you? I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels. I'll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready. Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well. Your friend, Andy.

Red on Dufrense's escape

I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone.

Red after reading the letter

I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

Dufresne on Music

Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.

Copied liberally from wikiquote and IMDB. BTW did you know IMDB was owned by Amazon?

And like Dufresne I like to have projects. I do have one right now.

Its over.

Its over. Finally. Look forward to the next.

And as a result of all that travel in last few days, few trivialities/random facts/obscure truths/pieces of fiction/stories worth talking about are ...

• Hrithik Rosan with a H is now the Provouge ambassador. What happened to FardeenSonofFeroz Khan? Suddenly Provouge is not as oppressive a brand it used to be with Mr. Minor Khan.
• No more long queues at the Gurgaon Toll Road. Average Waiting Time is less than 2 mins.
• People who are big, who want to be big and who are almost big like names. They throw names at the drop of the hat. Its amazing how to they know every other famous man. More surprising is how everyone seems to be a close friend.
  
• Yet again I was thinking who has been most influential on my impressionable mind. Apart from Raj, its AnathEma. Ya you.
  
• I finally submitted my application to
  
• I have made 4 trips to Shipra Mall in last 5 days. Thats more than all my other trips combined. Blame it on the real people and the nose ring I spoke about in the last post. And, good thing, I found a short cut. Its 5 KMs lesser than the usual route. Nice. Save fuel.
  
• Copenhagen is proving to be a hogwash. I made this video for a contest by Oxfam. Thanks to J for his idea and his handwriting.
• Airtel's customer service sucks. And it does badly. They are incompetent. They cant understand simple things. If I had an alternative, I would never pay them anything.
  
• My fav youtube video is this. This was shot in Vashi with a Nokia e51. Me, Gawri and Jeetu/Gandhi were returning after an all night pool party and hunting for food. I miss Mumbai and Vashi. I hate to admit this but I do. And I miss people more than the place. I miss the independence and freedom. Wonder what makes people in jails tick. What would be going through Dufresne's mind for all those 20 years in Shawshank? And come to think of it, I dont mind being at Zihuatanejo.
  
• Its Monu's birthday on 18th. Gandhi's on 20th. None of the two will ever read the blog.
• I opened my bookcase after ages and I realized that there are more unread books in it than the read ones. And I dont know the books that were stacked behind the books that were stacked in front of the books that were stacked behind the ones that are stacked in front of ... English can be funny if you abuse it ;P
• Last few days, every morning, I listen to Hey Bhagwan by Raghu Dixit. And then I listen to my playist. The top five tracks sored by playcount on my iTunes are Sweet Home Alabama, Kadi To Has Bole Ve, Bittersweet Symphony, When You Say Nothing At All, No Man Will Ever Love You.
  
• I saw The Recruit. Nice movie. Al Pachino is awesome.
  
• And I realized I am making my life public, one blog post at a time. And to do things differently, I have thought of a way. If you are meant to be reading what I have thought, you would be invited. If you are not, you will not see any change. Change is a funny thing. Its moving all the time and yet there are some people who refuse to acknowledge it.
  
• And in the end, family run businesses are nice for families that run them. Apart from that, they suck big time.
  

Aaj kay samachar yahin samapt hue.

Detox!

Move to Delhi has been a roller coaster ride. There have been ups and downs (actually more ups than downs). Anyways, so all this while I have tried to juggle so many things at the same time. And as a result, I was perpetually short of time. So much so that I dint have time to eat. I was eating my meals in the car, en route to meetings/classes etc. I was always cribbing. I was unhappy. I was dissatisfied. I was hungry. And funny thing was that, unhappier I got, more unhappy I wanted to be.

Come to think of it, last three years have been funny. Every single day (except for those ten days of Viapssana), I have lived a life where hyper-connectivity is as important as breathing. My daily routine would include reading those 700 or so sources on my Google Reader, reading 4 newspapers cover to cover (excluding Delhi Times, Brunch, Lounge etc. and including classifieds), tracking my 500 or so “friends” and their lives on FB and twitter.

But for a change, last few days, somehow, I have lived in the real world. I spent time with REAL people. The ones I could touch. The ones I could have the company of. The ones I could debate, argue and share gyaan with.

I watched few movies on television (Seven, Leon, Wanted, Shawshank Redemption). I attended a concert (The Raghu Dixit Project – loved them. They are now my new favorite band. After Faridkot). I gave gyaan to a kid (Hope it helps him. He is as lost as I am. Just that he is 21). I spoke about myself to friends without the fear of being judged (no comments on this one). I met a stranger and fell in love with her nose ring (Havent heard from her after that meeting :|). I slept peacefully (for hours). I re-read bits of English August (and loved it as much I loved it when I read it the first time). I read Then We Came To The End. I started playing pool again (though I suck at it). And I drove my car (at least 2000 KMs in last 5 months) . And I dint ride my bike all this while (poor thing).

In short, I did not do things that I typically do. I did not chase things that I normally chase. I was not bothered about what others were doing in life (and how rich they were getting while I was/am stuck figuring out what to do). I was not living the borrowed life.

And for some reason I have that peace of mind that I have always craved for. Wonder how. May be I am happy when I am doing things at my own pace? May be I am happy when I am not thinking? May be I am happy when I am occupied?

I know I dont have the money. I know am not rich. I know I am not getting anywhere with this. I know this wont last forever but I am truly living in the moment. I am enjoying this bit. Does this mean that I stop chasing success/money/fame/happiness? Does this mean all these 27 years that I spent, chasing interestingness were a waste? I dont know. And I am ok with this ambiguity. Lets go with the flow. And when you know that the time it right, turn it. I like playing the armchair activist.

And in between, I realized that people make me happy. I have this pressing need to have people around me. And not just anyone but they should be special. I should be proud of the fact that they are my friends. The ones who allow me to be what I want to be. I ones who dont ask me questions. The ones who don't expect any answers. The ones who back me up when I need them. The ones who trust me. The ones who are good at heart. The one who allow me to drive their cars (I want to believe that I am an awesome driver btw).

Someone said, ignorants are the most blessed. Last few days I have largely been ignorant. Ignorant of life, so called news (Google and the new search features - I mean why the fuck was I even tracking that in the first place?), happenings (again, why do I want to make an event a corner-piece of my life?), socialite gossip (that girl on twitter is a known attention hog - I mean fine, its her life, let her hog onto anything she wants to. How does it affect me? Why do I want to know about it? What would I do if I know about it?) and other updates. I did not bother myself with any of that.

I wonder why and when did I start chasing these things? And as a result I made myself unhappy. I am sure these things made me feel "connected". I felt I knew the pulse of the world (by reading some 1000 news/views/articles/blogs everyday, by following some 500 strangers on twitter and by tracking status updates of people on FB etc). It was like reading 500 novels at the same time. I could draw family/friends trees for all these 500 people. All of them as temporary as that blip on the radar. I think keeping track of strangers on social network reflects few basic human needs. Of eavesdropping. Of belonging. And its like reading fiction. 500 books at a time. Or watching a large movie (The Truman Show or Life: a Users Manual anyone?) where each character comes with a story and is somehow related. Is this the essence of all this social media hoopla? But what about all those great men and women who apparently are creating a fortune for themselves and their clients in the process? Where people, human beings are treated as mere numbers?

And the worst bit is that to be able to track these seemingly important things, I was ignoring myself. And why? Because I "had" to keep a tab. How could I? That was so mean and selfish. I should have divorced myself years ago ;P

Anyways, next few days, before I enter 2010, I am going to decide on few things that I will do in next few years. I have some clarity on what moves me, what excites me and what would keep me happy. The easy part would be to put it on paper. The tough part, would be to actually live it.

Application for Bakarland

Suna hai ki aaj kal Govt. of India is being very generous with giving out new states. It is a great victory for Telangana. And now lets wait for Purvanchal, Garhwal, Gorkhaland, Jaatland and all the other states.

It would be awesome to see the country divided into 1000 states. Each asking for autonomy. Each fighting for control. Each wanting to be better than others. Each trying to grow bigger. And thus fighting with each other. And this is good only. After all more we fight, more oied the machinery would be. And better we would be equipped to prevent ourselves from terror strikes from outside. Ghar main to jo bhi ladai hogi we can tackle them. After all bhai bhai sey nahin ladega to kissay ladega.

We dont need to look at future. Lets go back to the times when India was a nation of princely states. That was so cool. Everyone would have large quilas and hamams and their own forces to prevent invasion. Lets get back to those anarchic times. Rich would get richer. Poor will get poorer. Lets do it. Lets file application for our own states. I want a state and I want to call it Bakarland. I already have few people agreeing to it. I want to start a petition on one of those websites and create campaigns on FB, twitter etc.

Lekin what about all the problems that new states would create? The geography books are going to be so heavy. Thicker than the bible. I cant even imagine the hard time that class 5 students would have remembering the number of states (leave alone capitals and their chief ministers) that India has. I myself dont know. Last count it was 28. Or was it 29? What about the ones who make those maps? We would have new maps every month. Nice. I remember as a kid I used to buy political and geographical maps of India. For 50 paise each. We were given assignments to mark rivers and states and I always used to get them right. I knew where was which river and I knew names of all seven sisters. Right now I can only think of Arunachal, Meghalaya, Assam, Manipur. It sucks. There are 3 more states and I dont even know their names. And then imagine how easy it would be for people to play that Name Place Animal Thing with so many new places to think of. And then we would have Bakarland Navnirman Sena. We would fight for every one interested in Bakar. We would take out processions and seek reservations in companies for Bakarians.

Possibilities are endless. Lets fight for our rights. Lets stand united for the cause Together we can. Together we will. Reminds me of Suhaib Illyasi's India's most wanted!

And while writing this, I was listening to Harivansh Rai Bachchan's Madhushala. And uncanny how I was on these lines ...

musalamaan aur hindoo hai do, ek magar unkaa pyala,
ek magar unkaa madiralay ek magar unkii hala,
donon rahate ek n jab tak masjid mandir main jaate,
bair badaate masjid mandir, mel karaatii madhushala!

Trapped?

Another one from Harold's Planet.

What sucks more?

The fact that you know that she still loves you?

OR

The fact that she knows that you know that she still loves you?

OR

The fact that you know that she knows that you know that she still loves you?

CTU Ringtone

And finally I took the CTU Ringtone from KG. I love the tone so much that ever since I put it as my SMS alert tone, I have been sending random messages to people, hoping that they would return the favour.




Download your beeps from here or here.

Juvenile. And wicked. And cool.

I want out.

Right now.

Phase 1, 2 and 3

NOTE: After my last post, Couple of people asked me to repost this. Here is the post. Verbatim. Havent changed anything.

When you are on a trip, there are three phases that you go through. More mental than physical, these phases are what it makes riding so special.

So Phase 1 is when you have just started the trip and you are dreaming of all the good things that you would go through during the course of the ride. You already start dreaming of time when your thoughts are racing ahead of your bike that fast that your mind becomes numb, the road blurs and the roar of the bike is no longer there. The bike becomes a part of your body and its sound, your heartbeat. You can feel it. You can feel it coming. You are anticipating for the happy times.

Phase 2 is the actual state of bliss. The state that you dream of when you just set out to ride. This phase lasts just about few minutes before you are interrupted but these minutes are something that make the entire ordeal worth it. Some might want to compare this pleasure with orgasm. This is the time when your thoughts actually start to flow. This is that mental state that all the sages try to achieve. The state when they say they have attained nirvana. When everything else ceases to matter. Everything is put on hold. You ignore everything. All things big and all things small. You live in the now. You become part of it. You are now. You don’t make any grandiose plans. Things become clear. Clouds start parting.

And then the Phase 3. It’s like coming back from heaven. Or from hell for that matter. This is the time when you start thinking what to do next. About the next destination and the next journey. This is when you start reflecting on things. And most of your introspection happens. This is where you think about things that you are running away from and things that you are running towards. This is where you decide you want to change jobs, marry her, create a company, get rich, quit, restart, change world. This is where you actually plan it. First. Thoughts just pop up. You never thought you would think about those things. You never imagined you could think about those things. They suddenly appear out of nowhere.

That’s a different story that most of them are gone by the time the dust settles down. Some people do get lucky. They remember what they have been thinking about. What they need to do once they are back.

About me, I am about 2 rides old. Both of them less than 100 Kms. And I cant even imagine the joy and pain of an overnight ride. What would motivate someone to ride an entire day, sleep with a stiff back and get up next morning to go through the ordeal all over again. And with no one around to boast about this ride. No certificates to show. No titles to chase or defend. The entire idea looks anti-civilization to me. Weren't we suppose to settle down? Weren’t we supposed to be a part of a never-ending rat race? Weren't we supposed to slog and slog till one day when we realize we are 80 and we did everything but know ourselves better? And come to think of it, why exactly would one want to know himself better?

Most riders, including myself don’t think all this when they plan a ride. They just do it. They just want to get away. They want to run. They want to see places. They want to explore. Each trip brings with itself its own set of discoveries. And each trip creates its own set of memories.

Like this Rabbi Shergill song … “jaddon na kujh agge disse tahiyon bandaa vekhe picche”. Literally translated, “When you can’t see ahead, that is when you think about your past”.

I read somewhere that us humans work towards only one thing – that we would be missed when we are not around. I think everyone is trying to be immortal. We are trying not to die. We are trying to stay here forever. The rides are probably a step closer to that ever-elusive immortality. Some get it, when they are riding. And some unlucky ones don’t. The lucky ones get their bragging rights. And unlucky ones, get to ride another ride. Not much to chose between the two if you ask me.

We live our lives trying to be someone we are not. We look at all the wonderful things around us and suddenly we think we are supermen. We can do everything that everyone else is doing. And excel at it. And compete with people who have spent their lives working towards getting just a slight edge over you. We are not born with biking in our DNA. We grow up and along the way see someone or experience something that tilts our needles towards biking. I think, like all the trips, this post needs to be left hanging in air. In anticipation.

Of what?
I don't know. Yet.

Ten Minutes

I wrote this while going for a meeting to Faridabad (some 35 KMs from where I stay). I was driving in my dad's car and like always, had put on a CD with my favorite music on it.

First ten mins. OMG. Its very far. Next ten. Nice music. Next ten. Yawn, bored of listening to the same music again and again. Next ten you curse the traffic. Wonder why you dint notice the traffic all this while. Next ten you realize its close to an hour since you started. And you are surprised that you managed to kill yet another hour of your life while driving. And you never realized it. And next ten, you dread the next thirty or so minutes that you will take to reach your destination.

Compare this to this post I wrote on three phases that you go through while you are biking.

Late Night Shifts

Love working at nights. No phone calls. No pesky bosses. No door bells. No girlfriends. No traffic. No Aaj Tak. No breaking news. No where to go. Nothing else to do. Work. And bliss.

While writing this, I was in the middle of composing a long email (to VP and RK), working on a sitemap (for SS), a phone call (from VG) and a session of poker (on FB).

Written at 1:31 AM, Friday, December the 4th, 2009.

Then We Came To The End

Joshua, in his painfully funny book, Then we came to the end, says

Some people would never forget certain people, a few people would remember everyone, and most of us would mostly be forgotten.

How true. The quote.

Links

• Mini site for the book
• Wikipedia

84 Fucking Lakhs

This day on, my blog will start featuring adult content. Reader discretion advised. If you think am getting offensive with what I write, please move on.

I am pissed. Very pissed. Furious. Raged. And all those adjectives that the creators of English language created to express an emotion of extreme anger, frustration and helplessness. I am all of that. And more. More than words can express. More that I can put in shape of words. Wish I could write better.

And why is that I am all of the above? Because I just came back from a wedding where the groom was "gifted" a BMW. From what I heard, the car is about 84 lakhs INR in Delhi. Can you believe it? 84 lakhs? A gift. I dint even know a car could cost that much. Not even in my dreams.

I thought people like that only existed on Page 3s. And if they were for real, they had to be bollywood stars, cricketers and/or politicians. But now I officially know a guy, firsthand, who has received a preposterous amount as gift. For his wedding.

I have always know that world is unfair but it suddenly looks lot more depressing. The battle with myself look pointless. The reason to exist and go though all the agony look pointless. All the effort that I am putting in, all those things that I am doing, all the flak that I have been taking from friends, family, neighbors etc seems going down the drain. All the promises I made to myself look like mirages.

Imagine there are some people, that have enough free cash to be able to gift their daughters 84 lakhs. I am not even talking about other expenses that a wedding entails. Fuuck!!!

In my 27 years, my total earnings, ever, collectively is less than half of that. And I am an MBA from one of the top ten BSchools in India. Come to think of it me, my dad, my sis put together do not make that kind of money.

How the fuck am I supposed to compete with people who have all the money to do what they want to do? I couldn't launch a business for want of bloody 10, 000 rupees. 84 lakhs is 8400 ten thousands. This dude can launch 8400 of these businesses before I even dream.

And if I asked that guy to make that much money without using any influence, power, contacts, friends, how many years, wait, how many lives would he need to reach a tenth of that amount? O, this is debateable. Forget this line. But its unreal the kind of opulence that some people live in.

How did guys like Dhirubhai Ambani manage things? How? Some divine intervention? May be. Mera kya hoga? Suddenly I am worried. And how.

Life suddenly looks so so unfair and so meaningless. Why the fuck am I even trying? fuck. One of those days I guess ...

Initially written on 3rd Dec 2009. Gave myself a break of few day before posting this to be able to look at things rationally. But more I think about it, more sick I get.