The Balcony Story

The house that I grew up in Delhi, we have this fairly large balcony. Fairly large by Mumbai standards. Smallish by Delhi. But there was a balcony. And that meant that I grew up with this habit of waking up and going to the balcony to stretch and breathe in the "fresh" air. I did it every day for like 30 years at the subconscious level that it became second nature! 

When I moved to Mumbai, I was lucky to have started living in Nahar. That meant that I had a 2-feet wide thing for a balcony. Of course that was a luxury in Mumbai and I loved it! I was there for close to three years. The habit that I grew up with stayed on. 

Then the move to Bandra happened - the worse house I've ever lived in. If you are reading this, the house could have the best location ever but do NOT live in an old, crumbling house. So in Bandra house, leave alone a balcony, I did not even have a window. And I hated it. 

I was there for a year or so and then I ran back to open spaces that Ghatkopar had. This house, where I was for two years had a balcony as well. Though it was designed more like a room without a wall, it still gave the feeling of being in a balcony. And that meant I was back to my habit that I had grown up with. And then bad times started hitting. Moved to a small house without a balcony. And now, in Andheri, of course, there's no balcony.

The point of this mile-long prologue?

That, today when I woke up, I for some reason yearned to have this ability to walk around in a balcony and stretch and breathe in. Still better I would love to have a beach that I could just step in. Or a large expanse that I can step out in and soak in the infinite and breathe in the fresh air that is up there close to the mountains! 

I dont know what brought this feeling back to the surface. But it bubbled up somehow. And it is strong and powerful. To a point that I can distinctly feel it. And it was strong and powerful. To a point that I am ready to kill for it. You know, like, really! 

Maybe someday. 

Till then, over and out! 

Growing Old Sucks!

Day 64 of lockdown

Day 70 something

Wow! Time flies! I remember talking to a friend way back in Jan if she thinks that COVID would hit India hard. She said that she thinks it's like the flu and there are hardly any repercussions for India. And then she said that India would be left untouched as COVID seems to be spreading in a narrow band of weather. Of course, since I like to follow some smart people, I took her advice and decided that I don't want to be an alarmist. And then I forgot about it. 

Fast forward to today. 

We are on the 70th day of lockdown and quarantine and there is no sight for an opening up, at least, in Mumbai. Other parts, if I hear my friends and connections right, have opened up. I mean the government has not allowed things to open but most people are out and about. Public memory is incredibly short unless you are a celebrity :D

Anyhow. So, I want to rant about something that I don't know who to talk to about. Growing old. And things that are changing in me as a result of this 'coming of age'. 

Of course I am the biggest ageist I know of. All my life I have wanted to achieve things at a young age and of course I have failed at achieving any sort of success, irrespective of the metric you look at it with. The fears that I had when I was young have started to come true. Unlike my 25-year old self, I can no longer multitask. There was a time when I could juggle a million balls in the air and continue to add more balls. All the while balancing myself on a Yoga ball that is perched on a chair with one leg moving on a rollercoaster that is still functioning even when there's this biggest earthquake ever happening. Oh, I'd be sipping on to a can of Coke while that was happening. You know what I am saying? 

Now, at 37, I can NOT multitask. If I am writing this piece and there is some music playing in the background, I am distracted! To a point that I lose the chain of thought and what would take me normally 15 minutes to write, I take like an hour and a half to get out of my system! 

I know humans are not programmed for multitasking but I think I was wired differently and I could! I took pride in it. I could see that all the madness that I had surrounded myself with, was fed by the aforementioned million balls! It served me well when I was younger. Now, it's becoming an impediment! Even simple phone calls with people distract me so much that I can't recall conversations unless I take notes. And hence, I have started to take an insane quantity of notes. So much so that I need a person to manage those! 

The other thing that I was renowned for was my attention to detail. I was aware and I was perceptive. When I was juggling all those balls, I would know the colors of those balls. I would know about the scale of the earthquake and the trend line. I could count the pars of udti chidiya. I was the kind that would know the number of the cab I was in, the color of undies of everyone in the room, number of slides remaining in a presentation, and even the ongoing count of typos in a piece. And other such insignificant details! Nothing would escape my keen gaze. I was the one that checked and rechecked all copy before things had to ship! 

Now, I cant. I don't even know what I had for lunch the previous day. The memory is atrophying. Fast. More than that, attention is waning all the time. Like I am writing this, I am listening to a track and missing yet another track! Oh, any as I swapped the tab to change the track, I lost some 20 mins there. Sigh. 

The last thing that I want to talk about is that patience levels seem to be decreasing. I was the kind to be able to handle all sorts of muck thrown at me with a smile. But then age happened and the patience levels hit the rock bottom. To a point that in case a call that was planned for 8 AM does not start by 7:59 AM, I get jittery and sad and angry and scary and all that. I start screaming at people. And when I am reminded that the call was at 8 AM, I apologize so profusely that I spend the entire time on finding novel ways of apologizing to everyone who was cool enough to log in a minute before the call! 

And the last thing? You become abrupt with shit! Like this post. I am going to leave it here. See you guys on the other side. 

Chalo till next time. 

Over and out,

- The Old SG. 

Previous posts that I wrote during the lockdown are - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37, 39, 45, 47, 57, 63

Breaking bad!

Day 63 of lockdown

Day 69 something

So I have officially lost track of the number of days that we've been in lockdown. A glance at my blog tells me that it's been 60+ days that we've been holed up indoors. And while it's been an interesting experience, to say the least. There's so much to talk about, I think I can even write a book about it, once I am done with #book2. 

But for the time being, here's a thing that I am want to talk about. 

Technology. 

Breaking upon on me.

For no apparent reason. 

At the worst of times! 

Since we've been in the lockdown, here are the things that have broken on me. The days are approximate :)

• On the 2nd day, the phone's screen broke. To a point that I could not even look at it! Thankfully I had a backup Android phone - the good part was that as a result the time I spent on the phone reduced considerably. Thankfully after about 2-3 weeks, I found a local handyman and got the phone fixed.
• On the 10th day, I realized that the AC that I have rented from RentoMojo does not work! I mean I hadn't used in a few months and there was no reason to. Now that weather in Mumbai is getting unbearable, I had to use it. And realized that it was not cooling, some gas issues. Raised a complaint and despite the complaints, they could not repair it. Called a local handyman and got him to fix it. 
• On the 35th or so day, the AC conked off yet again! This time, Rentomojo agreed to help and they did, though after a few days. 
• On the 55th day, the cable that charges the only computer I have (a Macbook Air) broke! Like broke. It would not charge. I could still use it to power the laptop and keep it functional. So, I had to maneuver the cable in a weird position to get it to keep the laptop alive. Thankfully, Amazon started working in the meanwhile and I could order a replacement charger. Let's see how long this one lasts. 
• Finally, the day before, the charging cable of the iPhone broke! I am in no mood to buy a replacement cable. I'd use the wireless charging station. 

Thing is, because of the lockdown the access was severely limited to markets, market places, people, and other things that could fix these things that broke on me. For no explicable reason. 

Plus all these are expensive, lifestyle things. That means that it takes money as well! It is frustrating to the point that you want to give up. That's the thing. I sweat about the small stuff and I am ok with larger things that most people lose sleep over! 

Of course I am privileged that I have access to all these in the first place. And then I have access to people and tools that can fix these. And then of course, money. 

Anyhow. The point I was trying to make from this post is, when things get tough, it pours from all sides. And all we can do is, keep calm and carry on :) As they say, life always finds a way. Hope it finds soon :) 

Previous posts that I wrote during the lockdown are - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37, 39, 45, 47, 57

Day 57 of Lockdown

Day 57 of lockdown

Day 63 something 

So, it's been 10 days since I last wrote here. Time fucking flies. Even in this lockdown! I don't know about you guys but I have no clue where time is going. The days blur into nights and nights merge into the next day. The cycle continues. And things continue to move ahead. What remains behind is me, on the side of the road, watching the world go by. 

Anyhow. So yeah, 10 days. Not much has moved. I am still not sure about what I want to make of my life. This lockdown, which is nearing almost 2 months now should have given me the time and impetus to figure out. But I did not. I could not. Maybe that's how I will while all my life. 37 have gone past. Maybe that's how the next 80 odd would go? 

Ok. Enough of wallowing into self-pity. There are far larger things that I need to worry about. And work on. And get done. 

I don't really know what I want to write about. Just that I felt compelled to post something. Publish something. I had to. You know how it is? Something from within you moves you and then that makes you act. You know when you can't explain? Like that famous quote form Joker? He said, 

I’m like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught one, you know, I just do…things.

See it here! 

So yeah, there's nothing much to report. Just that I had to sprinkle some life into the dying blog. Matlab, if I have not written in 10 days despite not having anything substantial to work on, there must be some serious draught. 

No? 

 

Previous posts that I wrote during the lockdown are - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37, 39, 45, 47

The last few days...

Hola amigos! Wassup?

No, I am not learning French. Or whatever that language is. I just wanted to change the salutation that I use to start a post with. You know, its getting boring with these numbers. Wait. What number is it today? 47 I think. 

So, here's the thing. When we started with this lockdown, I thought that I'd be able to manage the solitude, the ambiguity, the distance from all the things that I love (no, I am not missing people, to be honest), and all that. And I think I was ready to brave the break. And honestly, it did work well. Till the last couple of days. Or may be three. Not sure. But as we speak, I know I can feel the effect of this lockdown. I need to step out. And I will probably try an outing tomorrow. 

But before that, since this is something that is affecting my head, I need to find a way to fix it. Afterall, I am a padha likha samajhdaar aadmi na! So, I am going to subject myself to shit that I recommend to others. 

Here's my self-diagnosis. 

A. Are you working out? 

No, I am not. I was, till about three days. No no, my workout do not mean that I go gymming. But I do try and walk about 10000 steps every day. 

B. Are you aiming for a goal at the beginning of each day? You know, making meaning outta your life? 

Most days yes. 

Last few days, no. 

C. Is it work that is affecting your sanity?

Nope. There is no work. 

Events :)

D. Did you have an argument with your loved ones? Significant others? 

Nah. The ones that I care for, they are ok. I am talking to them ok. 

The ones that I want to care for, not fought with them either. So that's cool. 

E. Are you eating well?

No I am not. Not at all. In fact, am eating more crap than ever. In the last three days, I've had popcorn, paranthas, chole bhature, samosas, Maggi and I don't know how much bread. Pots and pots of coffee. And thankfully, no diet coke. Phew. Need to cut it. Need to get back to IF. I thnk how I ate over the last few days reflect how I feel. And how I feel affects how I eat. It is so connected! 

F. Is it a one-time thing? An isolated incident? Or has it been happening regularly over the last few days?

I think its a one-off. I have been pretty much ok if I ignore the last few days! 

G. Ok. Do freewriting about things that are creating the muck in your head? 

Ok. This will be tough. Quite a few things. For starters, I am not sure where am I headed in terms of my career. In the sense, there are a million things that I work on and none of those make either the impact or the money. And I am not sure how long can I keep going without a tangible output. I like results, you know. 

Plus the moves that I'd made, investments that I'd made in people and ideas and projects seem to be sliding away. And this is not new. I have fucked up in the past as well. To a point that I've questioned my very identity. But back then, when things went south in the past, I have been ok with those. I am mostly ok with maintaining a stoic distance. 

Also, I am an ageist. I am past my useful age. I've mostly been vocal about my age and the urgency with which I need to work. This lockdown and the disappearance of work has made me ponder if I were slow all this while! Do I need to fast forward and put more pressure? On myself? On the people that I work with? Do I need to work harder? Or do I merely wait for life to pass by and remain a "potential"? I mean I am done with 3/4th of my life. And COVID is making it apparent that life is uncertain (not that I did not know this prior to the crisis). So, do I just wait and die an anonymous death? Or do I try and make some movement happen? And go out and try to make that dent. Of course, these dents are meaningless in the large scheme of things but I am human. I want to be able to get others to do more with their lives. I am after all supposed to represent the idea of opportunity. I mean I was to be that outsider that hustled hard to do the impossible and while he was on the journey, inspired others, created opportunities for everyone around him, and ultimately made the world a better place! 

Ok, these were large issues. Simple things like ticking things off a checklist are not happening. I have not moved an inch on my book, leave alone other projects. I am not sure what is it that I am struggling with. 

Apart from these, I am of course fucked about the money situation but then that's ok. It will be ok. Someday. Hopefully, sooner. 

Rest I dont know. 

H. Do you feel good now that you have poured your emotions out? 

No! Maybe I will be once I wake up tomorrow. May be I need to take a break tomorrow? 

I. Anything else?

Nah. 

This looks like one of those freak times. 

That's about it for the time being. 

***

So, that was self-diagnosis. 

Not sure if it was any use. 

I mean I did get a post going out on the day - that in itself is the reward :) 

Chalo, over and out. 

Oh, and please do note that this is NOT a plea for help. 

NO, I am not down and out. 

And YES, I will be back. 

I think I am just missing Diet Coke ;P 

Chalo, till next time. 

Previous posts that I wrote during the lockdown are - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37, 39, 45. 

Hello, Boy!

I don't know what day of the lockdown is it today. I am guessing 45. But it could very well be 44. Or 46. For all I care. You know, the days seem to be blurring into each other and things seem to be losing their meaning. Most people I know seem to be ok with it. You know, they've made peace with this idea of staying indoors. And why not? At least the circles I move in, these people have relatively comfortable homes (not houses), a steady paycheck, a family to bank on, and limited things that they're worried about. And these are things like where would I get that next bottle of Black Label from. Or where do I get that Parmesan Cheese from, you know, Nature's Basket is closed! 

Yeah yeah, I sound a tad jealous. And truth be told, I am. Jealous as fuck! To a point that I am questioning the choices that I've made in life.  The path I am on. The journey I've taken. Of course, I don't know where I would end up (if there is any ending up... I mean it could all be over before I know it...). And all I would leave behind is this collection of rants that no one would be interested in. 

But then, today is not about this jealousy. But about something else. About being a man. And not a boy.

When this lockdown started, inspired by a quip from Neo, I decided that I will take this opportunity to get some large things done - write my book2, flatten my belly, get my website up and running, learn new things, think about the future, learn guitar, reskill, fix my posture and I dont know how many more such lofty goals that I am full off. 

And the entire premise was that without any distractions of travel, socializing, and busyness, a real man would be able to put his head down and actually get things done! After all, those are the things that you blame when you can't do things. 

And I started like I always do. With so much excitement and spring in the step that it would put the fucking bunnies to shame. And then, as time passed, I started to become that person that loves to procrastinate, that allowed the monkey mind to rule my thoughts and got distracted by things like poker, films, and hyperbole. I mean I did EVERYTHING but work on those things that I had to work on. Of course, I did get the website to some semblance of design. I did try my hands at the guitar and I can now play the C chord really well (something that I learned while I was in class 10, around 1997). I did think about the book (I think I made some progress but with each increasing day I am realizing I don't have the next book in me). In fact, if I can't get 20K words on book2 in May, I will stop working on it for the foreseeable future. Plus, my work! The most important. The idea was the reskill myself in these 45 days and get employable and survive. But no. Not even the existential crisis is making me move my butt. You know, natural selection? No wonder people like me perish! 

On this 45th day, if I look back, I have little to show for. And I know there is no one out there looking out for things I do and all that, but then there is that wretched mirror. You know the one that shows you who you are? The one that is easiest to fool? And if not that mirror, this blog! 

Get the drift? 

Brings me back to the point with which we started. 

Men. Boys. 

Over and out. 

PS: When I rant like that, please do note that I am not being tough on myself. I am programmed in a way that I like the idea of shooting really really high and then land at a better spot than what I was when I started. So, this is not self-pity or something. But a gentle reminder that I need to do more! 

Previous posts that I wrote during the lockdown are - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37, 39

How to spot a bachelor pad?

Day 39 of the lockdown.

Day 45 otherwise.

You know what this lockdown's doing to me? Making me take note of tiny little things that I have chosen to live with. And yet never realized that I was living with them. You know those things that are all around you. Visible. In plain sight. And you've been ignoring those. 

Of course, most of these things are things that have no inherent meaning but once they get added to your life, they start becoming valuable. And with time the value starts to grow. Linearly at first. Exponentially from thereon. And then suddenly, the object that is inherently penniless becomes the most important possession that you have! Like there is this Ganesh figurine I have. KG gave it to me on one of my birthdays. Not that I am religious but I tend to keep it close. And while it was used a paper-weight initially, now it has become this object that I can NOT lose! 

I am sure you have many such things. At your home. And around you. 

And why am I talking about this? 

Well, while I was getting ready in the morning today, I took note of the curtains in the room. There are three curtains and all three are different. One is a plain yellow sheath. The other has a pinkish flowery pattern on it. The third one is a plastic kind of thing with dolphins on it. And while I was seeing that, I was wondering, for someone like me who likes the idea of symmetry and pattern and has an opinion on design, how is that these curtains are so badly mismatched. And then it dawned on me - these were collected over the years. The yellow one is from a time when my sis and I lived together. The pink one I bought for this house - though I don't know how it ended next to the yellow on. And the dolphins - I don't even know where it came from. 

When I got looking, I realized most things at my house are such a ragtag bunch of things. I don't have furniture apart from a table and a bookshelf. Both were acquired at different times and different houses. Have stayed with me. I have two chairs, both different. Again, got at different times. All wardrobes are rented - each looks different from other. The bedsheets and pillow covers are the only upholstery that I have, apart from curtains, and no, these do not match either. 

Everywhere I look in the house, each thing is different from everything else. These don't fit. Even the best art director in Bollywood could think that a man my age and my taste could have a collection like the one I have. Well, how everyone in the world wants to be unique. Lol! 

Oh, I made a checklist that you can run through mentally to see if a house is a bachelor pad. 

1. Are the pieces of furniture mismatching? The ones that look as if they've been gathered over the years in various stages of life. 
2. Is the upholstery an assorted collection of colors, patterns, heights et at? Again, they could've been acquired over time, at various places that you have lived at.
3. Is the cutlery in the kitchen not from one set per se? But a collection of souvenirs from places that you've traveled to, gifts from friends, and from various events you've been to! At my place, out of 7 mugs I have, 5 are from Starbucks, one is from an event that I attended and the last one is I think an ex-girlfriend left behind. 
4. The electronics (except the TV) would be hand-me-downs and would be in dilapidated condition. After all, these things are not really required. 
5. The phone charging cable and the adapter would be a mismatch. 
6. If you get access to wardrobes, the hangars, on which clothes rest would again be an assorted mix. 
7. There would always be a key with the building security guard if the building has a guard. 
8. The place may or may not be clean depending on the person occupying the place.

These are the ones that I can think of. What about you? What do you often see at bachelor pads? Pray, tell me, and help me make this sheet exhaustive.

That's about it for the day! 

Previous posts in the lockdown series are - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37