The Daily Grind - 2711 - 310718

7:45 AM, Mumbai
31 July 2018

I know I said that I wont rant. 
I know I said that I will rather talk about lessons (and not rants). 
I know I've promised myself to be not harsh on myself. 
I know it all. [haha]
But this is important. I have to rant out. There is no one else that I confide in and can be honest about things. [Funny. I am confiding in a blog that is open for the world to see. Dear prospective employer (or client), if you are reading this, please know that this too shall pass.] 

So, I dint write yesterday. Or the day before. Both days I could've written - I had the time and all that. But I dint. Not because I was lazy. But because something happened that put this shroud of misery over my head that made me so sad that I could do nothing but sleep.

And I want to talk about this.

This = misery.
Not the specific incident.
That is captured on echoChamber.
But the generic reason for my misery.

So, here goes.

The way I am made, I have this deeeeeeeee[insert infinite Es here]eeeeeep need to be respected.
I can live with all the ambiguity. I can stand whatever comes at me. I am ok with extreme cold (not garmi though), hunger, lack of comfort, physical abuse and other such things. I can survive around negativity and all that. But when someone is rude to me, I get ticked off.

And when I say that I get ticked off, I dont mean that I blast off. I just curl up into my shell, crawl under the shroud and cut myself from the world. And my world is anyway tiny - handful of friends and acquaintances.

And do what?
Sleep!
Sahi jawab. Aap jeet-te hain ek crore rupye!

Thing is, I am one of those who "live and let live."
I make sure that I dont bug anyone. And I dont want to be bugged.
I talk to everyone with respect. And I want others to talk back to me with respect.
I set high standards for myself and I expect the same from others.
I take ownership of my actions and I expect others to do the same.
I apologise when I am wrong. And I am ok with a public castration.
And I try VERY hard to not repeat my mistakes.
If I cause a monetary loss, I pay back for it. This is one of the chief reasons that I am struggling financially - I have paid to compensate at places where I felt I was responsible, even though I was not. Since all that matters to me is how I feel, if I fucked up, I believe that if I pay up, I can reduce the pain! 
If I do well, I do not crave for recognition. I dont. Really. All I want is respect. And no, I dont demand it. I want to earn it. And I am ok to work very hard to earn the respect.
If I say something, I do it. Of course I miss deadlines and all that but I am human. I try to reduce these misses and not that I am near perfect but I will reach there at some point in time. 

If you cant understand this, I am ok to stay away. Life is way too short to be doing things that dont keep you at peace.

Call this my personal code of conduct or whatever. I try to ensure that this code is adhered to. Every person I get into any relationship with (personal, professional, etc), I try to set an example by being the first to offer this conduct. And once this has been tabled, the strain of commonsensicality in my brain tells me that it should be easy for the other party to respect this code.

But no.

I am often subject to whims and behaviour that is diametric opposite to what I expect. And that's where the problem it! That is what fucks me up. This is what fucked me up. Something happened and someone really important to me was rude to me for no fault of mine.

And like I said I cant stand rudeness for no reason. And I since I am not the kinds to retaliate or talk back and all that, I just came home and put the AC on 22 and went to sleep. Of course I was doing all that you expect me to do - working, talking, even throwing parties, walking, eating and all that. Just that I was on auto-pilot. I even played Peak and now that I think about it, no wonder I was scoring so low on games that I am a pro with.

I think I have finally woken up today. Time to make the day count!

***

So, lemme shift gears and talk about something that I did for a first time EVER in my life.

I hosted some people at my place! I cant remember when was the last time I called people home just to chill. I have had poker parties in the past and birthday celebrations etc. But I have never ever called people over to just chill and sit around and do things that people do at these house parties - get drunk, play those inane party games and all that. 

Oh, this gathering happened while I still reeling under the influence of the thing... 

I called my tribe over and we did all of the above.
The people at the gathering were aged 36 (me), 32, 28, 24, 20 and 19. That's some range.

And it was interesting af. I think what you do in a house party clearly defines who you are. You are uninhibited and you are your true self. This is a great tool to evaluate people, if you ask me.

For example, if you looked at my behaviour while I was in the party, my number 1 concern was that we dont make so much noise that it makes me neighbours come knocking on my doors and ask us to shut up. If you looked at this other person, all he was bothered about was taking care of one of us who was sick. I on the other hand couldnt care less about the sickness as long as the volume levels were kept down. That tells me that dude is more human than me. So, maybe I need to keep that person close to me.

Got the drift? More on this after I do this one more time. I will have more empirical evidence. 

In the meantime, here are a few observations and lessons from incidents over the last few days.
See I did list a few lessons :)

1. I do not enjoy dancing.
Even if its with the closest set of people.
I hate when I am put at the spot with requests to dance.
I hate to say no to my people.
So, I need to avoid going to places where the dance shite may happen.
I know dance is like a primal thing for us humans, but its not for me.
Sorry, ladies and gents.
Oh, I have expressed the desire to learn Bhangra in the past but that to me is workout. And not an action under influence of alcohol and societal pressure.

2. Alcohol IS fucked up.
I have no clue what makes people consume alcohol.
You ought to be high on things in your head and not on fumes from some foreign substance.

Once you are drunk, you forget what is right and what is wrong and you become someone else.
Some people say you show your true colors. Some say you become better. I am not sure.

All I know is that in my experience, alcohol makes you irrational and often lands you in trouble. And I dont want any trouble of any sort. I HAVE to cut ties with anyone who has an alcohol problem. Even if its borderline.

Having said that, I am still undecided on Psychotropics. I want to try and see the effect. Lets see. Any experts?

3. What I eat controls my mood.
I was sick in the head anyway and then I ate some Dal and rice. May I say that the Dal was good? And I felt so bloated that I had to actually lie down. I had that Dal at around 3 PM yesterday and its 9:05 AM right now and out of these 18 odd hours, I've slept for about 12. Not kidding. I dont know if its the sadness, or the bipolarity (or the depression) or the Dal.

What I know is that I need to fix this. I cant be sleeping this much if I have to reach where I want to. And if that means abstaining from foods that I've liked in the past, I will.

4. Money drives the world.
Of course I've always known this. I've been the kinds to assume that money is a mere byproduct of doing good things. But I guess that's not the case. At least for the world around me.

Here's a quick story. I loaned some money to some friends. I needed some of it back to invest on a project. I reached out to all those people. And of all those people that I've trusted with money, just about 3 of them came back to me with an offer to return. What about the other 5? Well...

Lesson for me?
Choose your friends well.
Make more money.
Try not to loan it - it always causes a trouble.

*** 

So yeah, that about it. Happy to have written some. 

To end this, I need to put this on some index cards and remind me from time to time.
I need to... 
I need to start running.
I need HAVE to make more money.
I need to stop giving into urges and not eat crap.
I need to sit still and meditate for 45 minutes per day.

That's about it for the day.

Oh, the post about luck? I havent worked on that in 2 days. Maybe today I will. I promise that that will be the next one. Till then, over and out.